Is it over?

[jaymz]

07/01/12 19:00 STBXW calls to speak to kids, the two boys speak to her but my daughter doesnt want to. I sit her down and say that mummy has phoned to speak to her and it is a nice thing to do, she then speaks to mummy. I get the phone back and STBXW tells me that she is having her implants replaced on 30th Jan and what can I do to help her? I said i would check with work and let her know.

 

08/01/12 18:00 In car journey on the way back the kids tell me that not only have the got the 16+ rated ps3 games for xmas, they have both got new tvs for their rooms. Who buys an 8 and 6yr old TV for their room? I remember discussing this with STBXW when we were together and we both said it was a bad idea to go down that route when the kids were young and to reconsider it when they were teenagers

 

08/01/12 18:35 Dropped 3 very dirty and exhasuted kids off at STBXW. The middle child gets very upset as I am leaving, tells me he loves me and is looking forward to spending another saturday and sunday with me. I look at the STBXW and she just drops her eyes. I say goodbye and leave. heartbreaking.

[jaymz]

I feel so cut out of their lives right now. I feel as if there are no parenting discissions being passed through me and when we do have a discussion, ie: the PS3 and getting a lego game instead of MW3, she says whatever to shut me up and does what she wants anyway...

 

I also feel like 2nd best. I hardly see them and when I do I cannot compete with what she is getting them. I take them to places that are free (park, library, beach, woods, museums, airshows etc) and buy them practical gifts like wellington boots and books. When i spend time with them its sometimes watching a dvd, reading a book or playing a board game together, teaching them chess, backgammon or tick-tac-toe. When they are with me I talk to them about right and wrong, correct their speech, how to share things with each other etc. All boring stuff that is anti-exciting and sometimes makes them not want to spend time with me.

 

From STBXW and scumbag they get PS3, their own TV, days out at adventure places or theme parks, eating at restaurrants etc. They can watch 15+ films, chew gum and play adult computer games (as long as they ignore the swearing - she actually told them that!).

 

It is not what I wanted when I decided to bring up a family.

[Steen719]

Jaymz,

When I was growing up (and I know this is a loooong time ago, but still relevant) a kid in my school was the son of a highly placed judge He had simply everything he ever could have wanted and then some. I grew up middle class with a father who always gave us what we needed and some of what we wanted, but not much. This kid had parties at this house all of the time, because his parents were always gone, had a new car, I mean, everything. He also had a healthy cocaine and other drug habit. Even in high school, I knew that he had too much. I think if he had had one parent who cared about him instead of throwing money at him, it might have been different. He was a mess. (I should have added here that I think you could be the one who makes a difference with your kids)

 

I know this has to just suck for you, but kids know. Here is another example. My XH has spent so much money on things that the house and garage are filled with his "stuff". For a while, my son seemed to be picking up on that mind-set, but just in the last 6 months he has told me that he prefers my values of simple living without so much crap. He knows that more stuff does not mean better living. You just continue spending quality time with your kids, let them know you love them and will always be there for them and I truly believe they will know and emulate some of your values. You are a loving, involved dad and when the kids are older, that is what they will remember and value about you. Really. You are doing the right thing, and as you have said, you cannot control what she does. {{HUGS}} for all those sucky days.

Edited January 9, 2012 by Steen719

[jaymz]

Wow, STBXW is not happy with me.

 

12/01/12 18:55 Called to speak to kids. Chat to them for 10 minutes or so, the STBXW is asking the kids to ask me if I am looking after them when "mummy has her operation", I tell them that I need to speak to mummy after.

 

Once finsihed chatting to kids the STBXW wants to know if I am looking after the kids when she has her breast enlargemtn op. I tell her honestly that I dont have any holiday time left. She tells me that she knew i would not help her at all and is not surprised. I try to say its not like that but she is not interested and then asks about the weekend swap in march.

 

I said that if she wants the kids on my weekend then she can ethier do a day or weekend swap. She then goes into a 15 minute character assination where I am accused of being selfish, stubborn, making her life more diffcicult, not seeing the kids, wasting my holiday on myself, not being good dad, doing nothing when i have the kids etc etc. She tells me that I can ether let her take the kids for that saturday or I cant have them for the weekend at all!!! I listen through most of it with gritted teeth. I just tell her that I am sorry she feels that way but I have done things when she has asked if i can (had the kids longer, offered to bath kids when she had hernia op etc..) and I would love to have more time with the kids, I also tell her that I appreciate her letting me have the kids on her weekends on the odd occasion that she has let me have them.

 

While I was reasonably patient listening to her I was getting wound up with her lies so i did make a couple of digs. I did tell her that I asked work about compassionate leave and was denied as she wasnt family anymore, she went silent for a moment then said she was still family and so were the kids! And so I pointed out that her choice that we werent family anymore. She also said I should manage my holiday time better so I can spend more time with the kids when she wants me too. I told her that I would be managing my holiday from this year, so it would be managed better.

 

I stuck to my guns despite her threats of me not having the kids and she can do what she wants. She then says she will take the kids for that day and I can have them the sunday before. I agree and ask why she didnt just say that in the first place and avoid the 15 minutes of crap. No real sensible answer for her, same of crap about her time with the kids and I am crap etc etc.

 

She then starts to ask about my parents again. I tell her that my mum is helping a friend out, the STBXW just does not believe that people do that. I just say some people are too nice, she laughs and says not your mum. I tell her goodbye.

[jaymz]

I know this has to just suck for you, but kids know. Here is another example. My XH has spent so much money on things that the house and garage are filled with his "stuff". For a while, my son seemed to be picking up on that mind-set, but just in the last 6 months he has told me that he prefers my values of simple living without so much crap. He knows that more stuff does not mean better living. You just continue spending quality time with your kids, let them know you love them and will always be there for them and I truly believe they will know and emulate some of your values. You are a loving, involved dad and when the kids are older, that is what they will remember and value about you. Really. You are doing the right thing, and as you have said, you cannot control what she does. {{HUGS}} for all those sucky days.

 

Thanks. It does suck. I feel like I cannot provide the things they want and the things i do do are a poor subtitute. I know that some of these are important and I do think that I am being "competative" for the kids love and attention with the STBXW, esp as I have them less than she does.

 

I guess I just really hope I am doing the right thing. I am the sort of person that looks at the long term win rather than short term gains but the problem with long term wins is you are never sure if you are on the right track. After the "discussion" with the STBXW where she accuses me of doing nothing with the kids anyway, it hurts to think that I am not spending my time as quality time with them according to her. Yes its silly, yes I still hold a torch for her, yes I still put some value on her opinion, but I have done so for 15yrs, not easy to switch off.

 

I guess i just need validation that I am being a good dad, I dont want to be the dead beat dad that kids joke about but grow up to be dysfunctional and blame it all on their dysfuntional dad.

 

It really is a huge **** sandwhich that I have to eat, just hoping I am atleast half way through by now!!!

[jaymz]

Some reasonably good news: Got a call from my agent today, they had take a couple to view my house yesterday and they loved it and were very keen, I waited for the BUT! And but, they hadnt sold their house yet...

 

Atleast it some something positive. Up until now I have got complete time wasters looking.

[worldgonewrong]

Jaymz- my wife pulls the same stunts. Acts as if she is generously bequeathing the kids to me when it's my turn - or if she needs something done on her time, then there's that haggle b.s.

And yes, I understand where you're coming from when you wrote,

Yes its silly, yes I still hold a torch for her, yes I still put some value on her opinion, but I have done so for 15yrs, not easy to switch off.

That's what they bank on, too. The wayward wives won't sneeze at the time you've put in for years, but oh, they'll use it manipulatively to their advantage when they want to.

[jaymz]

Thanks WGW. It just does my head in.

[jaymz]

14/01/12 19:00 I start to call and try and get through to the kids. She "doesnt hear her phone" and so I email the kids and tell them i love them.

 

14/01/12 20:15 she texts and says i can now talk to kids. So i speak to the kids about usual stuff, tell them I love them etc, the eldest tells me the stbxw wants to speak to me. So she chats about the weekend day swap we have coming up. all ok. Then she says that the eldest says I am taking him on holiday, I said that I was looking to take the kids on a long weekend to normandy to see the beaches, probably over the half term etc. She then says she wants to go on holiday in august with scumbag and will I have the kids then? She needs to know soonish as she wants to book it. I tell her i would let her know. She then asks why and I said i would need to check with work and its a bit far ahead. She says she cannot wait for a last minute decision from me and I now cannot see the kids anymore, then she says good bye and hungs up.

 

nice

[jaymz]

The annoying thing is i was going to speak to her about having the kids over half term/end of term and the school holidays and agree dates for me to have them. I just needed the term dates and to agree with work. then she can book what the hell she wants, i dont care.

[coopster]

She's unreal.! :-o . She wants to go on holiday and NOT take the kids? Selfish cow!

[jaymz]

She's unreal.! :-o . She wants to go on holiday and NOT take the kids? Selfish cow!

 

She can do what she wants, if she hasn't got the kids and wants to go away with just her and scumbag then that's up to her.

[jaymz]

I had weird dream last night. I dreamt that the STBXW and I were having a phone conversation and we were both communicating where we both understood each other? It was completely without agression or acusation etc, just a normal conversation with respect and understanding.

 

Man these nightmares are getting worse!

[worldgonewrong]

I had weird dream last night. I dreamt that the STBXW and I were having a phone conversation and we were both communicating where we both understood each other? It was completely without agression or acusation etc, just a normal conversation with respect and understanding.

 

Man these nightmares are getting worse!

 

Honest to God, dude, I had a similar dream the other night too!

I think it's the brain's way of trying to rationalize & idealize a situation that otherwise leaves one feeling crazy during the waking hours.

[jaymz]

16/01/12 Rare night out with a friend. I had done him a huge favour earlier that day and helped him with a sales demonstration he was doing for work and he took me out for a few beers after as a thank you.

 

16/01/12 19:24 Phone call from the CSA. The stbxw had contacted them earlier to request the CSA start collecting payments and the built up arrears. I told them that I had a private arrangement with the STBXW already which means i give her some money but pay for the debt and mortgage until the house is sold. Then i will give her the full amount as decreed by the CSA but there is no arrears and no need for the CSA to get involved, they were only needed to work out the "fair" child support payment. The guy was adamant that the STBXW had changed this but would speak to her again to double check.

 

My evening ruined.

 

I do hope she is not going to go down this route. It will mean me having to chuck the keys in to the house so we lose it, still have the debt and if the bank sells the house for less than the mortguage, we will have additional debt too. I know that if I do that she will then refuse me access to the kids. I will have to quit my job, declare myself bankrupt so i can get legal aid and fight her. No one wins.

[jaymz]

17/01/12 16:22 Called the CSA as i wanted to find out about the arreas and if the stbxw has asked the CSA to collect the payment. They confirmed that there is no arrears and that yes, the STBXW has asked for them to start collecting payment. Great, financial ruin here we come...

 

Will call the STBXW and see what she is playing at.

[LifesontheUp]

If the mortgage is in joint names, a little reminder that she is responsible for it too may not go amiss. Remind her if the bank repossess then her credit is down the pan for at least 6 years. She needs a reality check.

[jaymz]

17/01/12 17:20 Called STBXW to get to the bottom of things. Basically she is going back on our agreement and wants the CSA to start getting her money as possible. Nice. She believes that I shouldn't stay in the house any longer and should move out so she gets her money. I pointed out what our agreement was and she then DENIED we ever had one, dispite us doing this since July last year, her telling the CSA we have an agreement and her discussing it with me at the kids xmas nativity play a few weeks ago - where she threatened me with the CSA if i didnt pay as soon as the house was sold.

 

She told me she cant afford to feed the kids, she cant buy them anything etc etc. When i pointed out that I live on nothing to keep all the finances juggling in the air and she has gone on several holidays, has another in June, another in august, has her hair/nails/waxing done, has full sky tv in two rooms, gym membership for all of them, expensive xmas presents, regular nights out etc. falls on deaf ears.

 

I said that the only way i can pay the CSA is to only pay half the mortguage which will mean they will ask her to pay her half and she will be worse off. She says she will just declare herself bankrupt. If she does that then I will have to do the same and she will then get nothing and I will be screwed...

 

She said she will think about it and let me know. great.

[jaymz]

I am so down right now. Just dont need this added pressure to an already extremly unfair situation. I never asked for any of this and yet i am continually punished for it.

 

I just want to get the house sold and the divorce done and start a new life for myself.

 

She did ask me to pay for the divorce, i said I am paying for the divorce and she is getting legal aid. She said she is paying for it all herself now. The only other thing we can do is to put the divorce on hold until the house is sold, which isnt a bad idea as it will tie up all the finances in one go.

[Steen719]

Sorry, Jaymz. Did you ever have any kind of official agreement about the house payments that can protect you in this? So, if I am reading all of this right, you and she had an unofficial agreement that you would pay the house payments and she would not get support from you? If she is paying half of the house payments and you are paying half of the house payments, is the amount you pay for Child support more than paying all of the house payment? Or is it that she will not pay her half?

 

I feel your pain. We will have to foreclose. I said I had to leave as he is dating and I cannot live here with that going on. I would make my half, he does not have to leave, but pay his half and pay the utilities and he will not do it. He could get a job, get a room-mate, not go out with gfs so often and make trips, but he won't. So, both of us will have lousy credit. Finding yourself in this situation due to someone else's decisions gets to me. Not fair, but sometimes it works out that way. I am sorry, Jaymz. Believe me when I tell you I know how bad this feels. I just finally decided that I could move on without the credit. I desire my sanity more. Great big HUGS to you.

[jaymz]

Sorry, Jaymz. Did you ever have any kind of official agreement about the house payments that can protect you in this? So, if I am reading all of this right, you and she had an unofficial agreement that you would pay the house payments and she would not get support from you? If she is paying half of the house payments and you are paying half of the house payments, is the amount you pay for Child support more than paying all of the house payment? Or is it that she will not pay her half?

 

I already give her money for child support but its about 1/3 of what the CSA say I should pay. The agreement was I would pay for the debt and the mortgauage and give her some child support until the house is sold. In return she doesnt pay anything.

 

The CSA do not care about this agreement, as soon as she tells them to get me to pay I have to or they will force it straight from my salary.

 

I feel your pain. We will have to foreclose. I said I had to leave as he is dating and I cannot live here with that going on. I would make my half, he does not have to leave, but pay his half and pay the utilities and he will not do it. He could get a job, get a room-mate, not go out with gfs so often and make trips, but he won't. So, both of us will have lousy credit. Finding yourself in this situation due to someone else's decisions gets to me. Not fair, but sometimes it works out that way. I am sorry, Jaymz. Believe me when I tell you I know how bad this feels. I just finally decided that I could move on without the credit. I desire my sanity more. Great big HUGS to you.

 

Sanity is better, I agree with you and its the best thing to do. It kills me that I have to continuily downgrade my life, lose verything we built up together while she loses nothing and is not willing to downgrade her lifestyle at all, even if it is temporary until we seperate our lives completely. Total and utter selfishness.

 

Thanks for HUGS, back at cha lovely lady

[g450]

Wow, ureal.

 

Thing is, it is her responsibility to make arrangements for the kids when she is supposed to have them. It's not your problem, it's her problem. Its funny that waywards always seem to think that way.

 

She made her bed so she can sleep in it. I would simply tell her that her babysitting problems are not your problems because that is a fact. Now Im sure you love your kids but neither you or them should have to bend to her will when she wants something.

 

She needs to understand and comprehend that there are and always will be consequences for her bad decisions in life. She needs to grow up and own them. Just my two cents.

[LifesontheUp]

Sanity is better, I agree with you and its the best thing to do. It kills me that I have to continuily downgrade my life, lose verything we built up together while she loses nothing and is not willing to downgrade her lifestyle at all, even if it is temporary until we seperate our lives completely. Total and utter selfishness.

 

Oh she will have a downgrade at some point and reality will hit home when she goes for credit and they refuse it.

 

Not sure whether she means it or is blowing hot air.

 

Speak to your solicitor and see what he says.

[coopster]

cant you get a lodger while you wait for your house to be sold? someone paying 60,70,80, or even 90 depending on the size of the room a week can make a huge difference.

[jaymz]

18/01/12 19:00 Called to speak to STBXW, she let me talk to the kids for 5 minutes first before she got on the phone. She asked if she could come over and pick up her roller skates from the loft, then told me she was too busy to talk.

 

Great, left hanging.

 

So I spoke to my parents and a friend and decided that today I take back my power and so what I want. I am not waiting around "for her to decided what she is doing", as she is now avoiding me she has made up her mind but is too cowardly to tell me. So I have put together an action plan which should hopefully see the house sold and me left with minimum debt, if she wants to declare herself bankrupt then she can so but it shouldnt affect me now.

 

My life has been on hold too long now to get the best deal for all out of this mess, now i am just looking out for me and my kids. Onwards and upwards.