Is it over?

[jaymz]

Its been a while since the last post...

 

Essentially just got loads of crap right up until a few days before the holiday. She even called my father to tell him that I was being stubborn etc. He just told her he wasn't interested in anything she has to say, she wanted him to know about *her* side of the story...

 

She text me saying she wants to be civil about the kids, but then ends the text with more threats. I speak to my solicitor who advises me to send the STBXW an email with the basic details again but copy in my solicitor this time. I do it and sure enough, STBXW stops.

[jaymz]

Spent 10 days in Bermuda seeing a good friend of mine. It was great! really good time, met loads of people, fell in love with the place and the life style. It has made me really think about taking up a two year contract to love there and save up some money. Have to seriously think about it, I want it to be the right move for me and not just escaping.

 

Came back and then picked up the kids the same day. Took them to Normandy and we all had a great time! so much to see and do there. absolutely loved it.

 

Have come back feeling refreshed and fighting fit.

[jaymz]

Received a solicitor letter while I was away. She advises to go down the court route now as my STBXW has failed to respond to all reasonable requests to sort out finances and has failed to register with the mediation service that I instigated. My solicitor thinks it should be pretty straigh foward to do now as there is not much to fight over and I have so much proof of the STBXW stalling to make the financial burden as hard as possible to me.

 

My solicitor also wrote to STBXW to enquire if she has let the legal council know about her 2nd job... hopefully they will now catch up with her and she can start paying for her legal costs rather than comitting fraud which she has done so far.

[jaymz]

Sorry you are still dealing with this crap. It does, in time, get better.

 

My xWW also pulled some of the same crap. still does but it's a 1000% better now.

 

Here's my advice/support:

 

I hope so. Once finances and divorce is done, she will have less control but there will always be the kids...

Stop talking to her. Period. If there is something to be said she can tell it to your lawyer. I had to take that route and it's quite effective. Record all incoming calls and if/when she calls tell her to "contact my lawyer" and give her the contact number. Then hang up. Literally say nothing to her - that might be the best and quickest to normalize things. By the same token, if you need to communicate with the her, have your lawyer send a letter.

Have done more or less. I have even bought the kids webcams so I can skype them instead. means I dont have to talk to her and she has less control over me talking to the kids.

Regarding the kids the only thing you have to do is nothing. Hard as it is, you keep being you. If the trip to Normandy is good for the kids and she provides reasonable itinerary then I would allow it. Do NOT play tit-for-tat and use her sabotage of your trip as causis belli. In time, her behavior (and her partners) will alienate and drive the kids from her. As horrible as that is (and it is) all you can do is be receptive when it happens.

This is the hardest to sit back and do as I dont want the kids hurt and her to ruin her relationship with the kids. I doesnt want to listen to me, fair enough, so I try and be as neutral as possible with the kids when they ask me questions. So hard though. just want to tell them whats really happening.

Therapy for you and the kids.

Probably wont happen.

Accept that while she uses the kids as tool and weapon she does still love them. It is, for now, clouded by her feelings for you - none of which are good. Weather the storm. If her behavior, in your lawyers opinion, presents good opportunity to grant you full/primary custody - do it. If not, accept it.

 

You're doing well. Keep plugging along one step at a time.

 

You'll get there

Will see what will happen, have been speaking to my solicitor about getting sole custody but its hard in the UK as the law is so biased towards the mother. She would have to be in prison for a long time for me to get the kids!

 

And, as warning, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Just wait till she finds out you got a new GF/f_ck buddy. Lemme tell ya, she'll go positively apeshyte. Be prepared.

 

I hope not...! But I know what your saying, any reason to kick off!

[jaymz]

Went on a date last night. The pictures did not do her justice, she was totally stunning. I had to do a double take when she entered the beer garden to see if that really was her!

 

The date went well. I thought she was well out of my league so I just relaxed and talked to her like catching up with an old friend. She laughed at all my silly jokes, paid for a round of drinks and asked me out for dinner next week!

 

I am either **** hot or she is another crazy!

[worldgonewrong]

Went on a date last night. The pictures did not do her justice, she was totally stunning. I had to do a double take when she entered the beer garden to see if that really was her!

 

The date went well. I thought she was well out of my league so I just relaxed and talked to her like catching up with an old friend. She laughed at all my silly jokes, paid for a round of drinks and asked me out for dinner next week!

 

I am either **** hot or she is another crazy!

 

First of all, BRAVO! I'm really happy for you.

 

Secondly, she's not out of your league. You know what the difference is? You're battle-tested with all this divorce crap, and from that can emerge self-confidence. It's happened to me, without even dwelling on it.

Despite all this horrible sadness, I've got a renewed or brand-new sense of self-confidence, and women find that attractive. You've got the scent, my man.

[Surfer203]

wgw and jaymz: I'm experiencing the same thing, newly reborn sense of confidence, it's great! And jaymz: Work it, my friend!

[jaymz]

Thanks guys! I am a fraud, no confidence, it was simply the case that I thought I had no chance so just treated her like a friend. I text her the next day and said I wanted to do something fun like bowling, beer & pizza instead, she replied that she would try and would organise to meet up when she is back from holiday. I think its a brush off, but a nice one at that

[jaymz]

Went to the first session of mediation. Spoke to the mediator and basically its all voluntary and nothing is legal binding... So pointless to carry on but I have to try as it strengthens my case.

 

Will find out in the next week or so if the STBXW is coming to go to mediation and if so, whether they are to be joint or separate sessions. fun!

[jaymz]

Dropped kids off at STBXW last night. Everything seemed ok as usual but then my two boys suddenly bolted back to the car and refused to come out!

 

It took 15 minutes to talk to them and get them to leave the car and go back to STBXW home. They both kept saying that they didn't want to be with her, they wanted to stay with me. The eldest start yelling at the STBXW "why did you leave? why cant we get back to how things were?"

 

All the time the STBXW was telling them that she had planned fun stuff for them to do, they were going to meet long lost relatives from Australia etc. the kids didn't care.

 

In the end I managed to talk them both into going back to her house. As I stood there watching them go in, STBXW turns to me and starts to accuse me! I just shook my head and walked away. If she thinks that is all staged then nothing I say is going to change that. Its sad to watch. She just doesn't realise what she has done and is continuing to do.

 

A most heartbreaking day.

Edited September 3, 2012 by jaymz

[Steen719]

Dropped kids off at STBXW last night. Everything seemed ok as usual but then my two boys suddenly bolted back to the car and refused to come out!

 

It took 15 minutes to talk to them and get them to leave the car and go back to STBXW home. They both kept saying that they didn't want to be with her, they wanted to stay with me. The eldest start yelling at the STBXW "why did you leave? why cant we get back to how things were?"

 

All the time the STBXW was telling them that she had planned fun stuff for them to do, they were going to meet long lost relatives from Australia etc. the kids didn't care.

 

In the end I managed to talk them both into going back to her house. As I stood there watching them go in, STBXW turns to me and starts to accuse me! I just shook my head and walked away. If she thinks that is all staged then nothing I say is going to change that. Its sad to watch. She just doesn't realise what she has done and is continuing to do.

 

A most heartbreaking day.

 

Oh, I bet, Jaymz. How sad for you and for your kids. So sorry. Hang in there and hang in with finding someone to date.

[jaymz]

Not much to update. As the STBXW has no control over anything, she is being really petty with the things she does have control over:

 

When I call and speak to kids her phone is switched off.

When I skype the kids, she listens to the conversations and butts in all the time. When she says she has something important to discuss and to call her, its nothing!!!

 

Got letter from solicitor, STBXW has not received the two letters from the mediation service. Next step, filing for ancillary relief and taking her to court. fun!

[jaymz]

Oh, I bet, Jaymz. How sad for you and for your kids. So sorry. Hang in there and hang in with finding someone to date.

 

Thanks Steen. I tried to get extra time with them but she says she already has plans and doesnt answer my calls to them. Stupid and petty!

 

That woman got back of holiday on saturday, I text her friday but nothing. Got a response just now though! so am surprised. maybe a 2nd date?

[jaymz]

Two days and no response from her, oh well...

 

Called kids tonight, all ok. The STBXW got on the phone and said "well done for missing xxx first day at school. You are a real caring Dad" I just ignored her.

 

The problem was one of the guys at work called in sick so I had to go in and cover, I could not as there would be no-one else. It wasn't my daughters actual first day at the school, that was last year which I missed as I didn't know when it was and the STBXW was not going to do the decent thing and tell me, also it was in a very turbulent time and I simply missed it, so really it was all my fault.

 

I f*cked up again didn't I?

[worldgonewrong]

Don't be hard on yourself.

 

That evil woman doesn't cut you any slack. grrrr.

[jaymz]

Dropped kids off to STBXW. The eldest refused to get out of the car this time. Again talked to him and he got out but really wasnt happy. He had a go at the STBXW, told her that "mummy's and daddy's should be together", she told him "you will understand when your older" I felt like adding "and then when you do understand, let me know as I dont..."

 

Again she says to me what am I saying to them as they are fine when with her, i just managed to say "these are the consequences of your decisions" when the eldest re-appeared and pushed her back into the house.

 

Sad.

 

One funny thing: the STBXW swears loads, she wore in front of the eldest and then walked off to get something, he then turned to me and said "mummy swears all the time, you told me only idiots and ignorant people swear, mummy is an idiot", I dont know how I kept my smile in but i told him "true, but you dont speak about your mother like that"...

[worldgonewrong]

Hope you're OK, jaymz. Update when you can.

Sending all good thoughts/prayers your way.

[jaymz]

Things really not great for me right now, have been very depressed over the last few weeks. The STBXW is still playing games with the kids, setting me up all the time. She doesn't allow them to call or skype me when ever they want. She looks at their emails, IM and listens in to see what I am saying all the time. She now is not allowing me any extra time with the kids as I was late dropping them off once after having them for a day on her weekend, due to being stuck in a jam caused by a road traffic accident but that doesn't count... Any excuse to call me a bad father and point out that scumbag is soo much better...

 

Work is crap. Issues with some idiots at work that is going through HR at the moment.

 

Dating is crap: Seem to meet odd or be totally incompatible with dates I go on :-(

 

On the plus side: I spend quality time with the kids when I have them.

 

Doing 3 days of running per week and have started up rugby again - just doing the training at the moment to get back into things but hopefully will be playing games soon.

 

I have another holiday for a week with friends at the end of October to look forward to.

 

My weight has increased to 14 stone but its more to do with my body shape changing rather than being fat.

 

Mediation is still on the cards though STBXW is dragging that along as much as she can.

 

My solicitor called me to say that the STBXW solicitors are not acting for her anymore.

[worldgonewrong]

My solicitor called me to say that the STBXW solicitors are not acting for her anymore.

 

hmmmm, what do you make of that?

That's rather curious, don't you think?

[jaymz]

hmmmm, what do you make of that?

That's rather curious, don't you think?

 

Well either she has been caught defrauding the legal aid system and is seeking alternative representation or she has terminated their services for other reasons and is seeking alternative representation or she has just terminated their services and will represent herself.

 

Her parents have money (a rich aunt died last year and left them a lot of cash and a flat with considerable rental income), I guess time will tell.

[jaymz]

I guess i kinda answered you before coop. Not much really. Trying to push things a long but keep getting obstacles put in my path which I need to over come. Its getting tiring.

[jaymz]

Spoke to mediation, STBXW has until the 19th October to start mediation otherwise they will issue me the FM1 form and I can finally take her to court!

 

Spoke to solicitor about STBXW not being represented anymore, not much to add to the speculation earlier, time will tell.

[jaymz]

Dropped kids off: We had a great weekend and the atmosphere on the way back was much better than usual, kids laughing and joking. When we pulled up to the house they couldn't wait to see STBXW and tell her all about their weekend, show off pictures they have done, new books from library etc.

 

STBXW looks at me and says "Are you having the kids next Saturday?" She had already asked me on the Friday and I said no as I already had plans which I cannot re-arrange at such short notice. This suddenly put a dampener on the whole day as the kids instantly wanted me to say yes. The STBXW just stood their with that face and said "sorry kids, daddy doesn't want you that Saturday".

 

All the kids were upset and the eldest was demanding he comes to mine and comes with me. The STBXW just looked at me with a kinda grin. Took a few minutes to calm the kids down and leave.

 

Why the hell does she do it?

 

Why upset them?

[Yasuandio]

Dropped kids off: We had a great weekend and the atmosphere on the way back was much better than usual, kids laughing and joking. When we pulled up to the house they couldn't wait to see STBXW and tell her all about their weekend, show off pictures they have done, new books from library etc.

 

STBXW looks at me and says "Are you having the kids next Saturday?" She had already asked me on the Friday and I said no as I already had plans which I cannot re-arrange at such short notice. This suddenly put a dampener on the whole day as the kids instantly wanted me to say yes. The STBXW just stood their with that face and said "sorry kids, daddy doesn't want you that Saturday".

 

All the kids were upset and the eldest was demanding he comes to mine and comes with me. The STBXW just looked at me with a kinda grin. Took a few minutes to calm the kids down and leave.

 

Why the hell does she do it?

 

Why upset them?

 

She does it to irratate you and push your buttons.

 

OK, you learned. Here's an idea. Next time, stay in the car, and just let the kids get out, and do whatever praising, sharing, etc. they have to do without your presense. You won't be able to revel in the enjoyment of the kids pleasure and excitment. But she will not be able to get off on gaslighting you guys, and crushing the children's enthusiasm - because you will not be an active participant anymore (you will be in your car driving away!). And that's how it's always can be. Howz that sound for a solution? Yas

[Steadfast]

She's digging her own grave.

 

You can't stop her from this unless you cut off all contact, which is impossible. That said, it's probably better that she spew her venom in your presence than behind your back. Don't flinch. Don't react. Smile and say "You look lovely today! Did you change your hair?" Let her eat rocks.

 

Kids aren't stupid my friend. They know way, way more than you (or her) think. They know she's manipulating you and using them to do it. If they react negatively, it's because they know their own mother is cruel. Who likes being used? Played? Is it any wonder they don't want you to go?

 

Life is not fair jaymz. You are forced to deal with this. The upside is you will develop tremendous character and insight from it. Don't fall into her trap.

 

It will not last forever. 'Till then, boost yourself with knowing the sooner she realizes her poison has no effect, the sooner she'll stop trying to force feed it to you. Win the battle with wisdom. You will, because she has none.