Is it over?

[worldgonewrong]

Thanks for your posts guys, really appreciate it.

 

Been really down this week. I really want off this roller coaster. I have zero motivation for anything. I know why its all getting to me: finances, selling the house, missing the kids terribly, not having my family around on my birthday, them going away on holiday, divorce papers, financial information sharing, the CSA, the burglary, coming home to cold & empty house, no friends, no social life, low self esteem, zero interest from girls, bike broke and i cant afford to fix it...

 

All weighing on my shoulders. I just having real problems coping with it all. I just need things to start happening for me rather than against.

 

Baby steps, Jaymz.

 

My first impulse - like a lot of other people would also do - would be to tell you to "go out and GRAB what you want!" but I refrain from that because it sounds like a lot of pressure.

 

I'll just say this: I've just taken baby steps, still do.

There's times when ALL of this marital woe just chokes the frickin' life out of you - I know.

But I advise just starting off on a small set of 'distractions'. Before you know it, those distractions become *interests* and then after that, slowly, you might meet some like-minded people who share those interests. The first thing is to invest in your OWN head-space -- find what motivates you, what makes you feel comfortable, and it might not involve other people right now, which is FINE. I found I've had to get comfortable in my OWN skin first (still doing that, but 75-80% there) in the new role of 'jilted guy'. Once you start rediscovering what you liked about yourself, before you gave your heart & soul away and relied upon that other person's eyes to see your own reflection, you will feel more confident. It doesn't happen overnight. But just take the initial steps.

I like books and music, for example - so I find myself reaching for happiness in that direction, talking with like-minded folks online or in person.

Does it completely nullify the hurt and sadness? Heck no. But it allows you to compartmentalize your feelings and the reality of things -- otherwise the hurt and sadness just scorches EVERYTHING, and no man or woman alive is worth that sort of self-destruction.

[jaymz]

The pain is real and you wouldn't be normal if you felt any other way.

 

jaymz and worldgonewrong; This will work out. It may not seem like it, but you are much more to your children than you realize. No one can replace you in their hearts; the harder someone tries (if, in fact someone is trying) the worse their attempt will fail. This is proven fact. Anything or anyone that tries to come between you and your kids only strengthens the bond.

 

Put this in your heart and keep it there. It is truth. Take comfort in it.

 

Kids are only kids for a short time. Lots of people 'take care' of children when they are young...teachers, child care providers, other family and friends, etc. It is when they grow that the real parenting begins, most critically the teenage years. Your influence will be great and so should your awareness; children often use divorce to gain advantage or if they feel they have something coming. The key is to be consistent, strong and smart.

 

Chin up men, and be men. No woman, no ex, no one in the world can take your children away. You love them. They love you. It's untouchable.

 

It doesn't feel like it when you don't see them very much. I call them but phone conversations are short. My daughter this weekend tells me she does not like me or love me anymore, only mummy. I tell her i like her and love her very, very much - but it cuts me soo deep to hear it. I know she is 3, I know she is probably just repeating what she hears mummy say and doesn't really understand but still...

 

Now our past is separated by the kids into "when mommy loved you". that's how everything is referenced when they speak about things. The eldest understands things more and keeps quiet about stuff, I encourage him to talk about things and he can tell me anything but he refuses at times.

 

My second child just doesnt have time for me at all. he is 6 and busy all the time. he is also very disruptive and very physical with the other two.

 

I try and spend my time with all three of them, buts its hard sometimes for quality one-to-one time. I try hard.

[jaymz]

Excellent. Couldn't have said it better. I so look forward to spending time with my kids and them with me.

 

It's strange looking back at it now, but, if my stbx hadn't decided it was over, I probably wouldn't be as happy as I am now. I probably wouldn't have the relationship with my kids that I do. And, I certainly wouldn't have grown emotionally, physically and mentally as I have in the past year. lol, of course, I'd be much closer to debt freedom than I am now, but, that's just a matter of time. That's a fixable problem.

 

I am really pleased for you. I want to get to that place but dont seem to know how to get there anymore.

 

Your kids are closer to you, and know how you are feeling more than you know. I had a fabulous night trick-or-treating tonight with my kids and stbx. They're amazing and, as long as things stay "amicable" between my stbx and I, I'll get to have those moments, in addition to all the moments I get in my half of their lives. They're worth anything, including dealing with her. I've managed to separate myself emotionally and financially, and to view her as a "whole" person, based on all of her decisions, and, often feel sorry for her having to live with the fear, guilt and emotional issues she just hasn't addressed and refuses to.

 

I don't always feel close to the kids, they can be very distance at times and getting through to them is hard. I try and reassure them all the time that I love them very much and will always be there for them. I try and keep the same parenting principles so they continue to have some stability even if its only for a few days a month.

 

I have still not separated myself emotionly from that women. I understand that i am feeling more for the relationship than the person. But I really do miss my old life...

 

Part of me hopes she really loves scumbag and he dumps her. Not that i wish her unhappiness but that she might grow from the experience an realize how things really work, what she has done wrong and grow as a person. But I think if things did go sour, she will just jump to the next meal ticket.

 

I wish it would have worked out differently, but, I don't think she's ready to be "happy" with herself yet, and, I am. That's the biggest reason I couldn't ever go back with her. I won't put myself, or my kids, through that again. We deserve better. So do you...and it's out there. I've seen it...several times...

 

My heart and my head say two completely different things...

 

I no longer believe in soul-mates. I believe in two people who want to be in love...and are...with each other. And they are both happy with who they are, and they support each other, unconditionally.That's what I believe in...

 

I like the idea of soulmates. One thing I have learned is that you can love more than one person very much. When i had my second child, there was a little doubt that I would love him as much, I know thats bull**** now but i guess we all have irrational fears at times, we are only human...

 

Could I love another woman as much as my STBXW? I dont know, but hopefully it will be much different and better, some lessons are learned the hardway.

 

Sorry I'm wandering a bit, after trick-or-treating, I went and played volleyball, had a fabulous time, and was out at a Halloween party afterwards and had a few. Excellent party...some great Lederhosen.

.

 

I am really pleased for you debtman, you seem to be much stronger and much further along than I am. I hope I can see my path soon and get my life in order.

[debtman]

jaymz,

 

I (and many others here) know how you feel and what you're going through. I debated posting some of what I said because I know you don't need to hear "sunshine and roses" right now. And, believe me, it's not always. BUT, you do need to know that this is one of the most difficult things you'll ever go through. It will test you emotionally, mentally and physically and, the only way to combat that is to know that things will get better.

 

I went through a period where my kids would cry and scream every time I dropped them off...and, I also went through a period where my daughter didn't want to talk with me on the phone when I'd call. My 4-year old son spent months accidentally calling me by OM's name and then correcting himself...hardest stuff ever...I was lucky that my daughter's school had a program for kids of divorce, adoption, deploying parents, etc. and it really helped her come to grips with the reality of the situation. Not sure if it would be worth it to mention that possibility to your stbx or to look into it yourself...

 

I miss my old life as well. We wouldn't be "normal" if we didn't. But, I'm also excited about my new life, because I know what I can make of it. I was happy, confident and enjoying every day when I met my wife and, I am finally getting back there. Except, now, I've got 2 amazing kids to share that with as well.

 

I got some pleasure out of my stbx and OM breaking up, but, now she keeps coming to me for things that she would have asked him for and I have to continually re-direct and avoid getting lured into doing things that don't directly relate to the kids. At this point, I don't know if it's worse having her in a relationship or single. For her sake, I hope she spends some time being single and learning about herself, but, I don't see that happening.

 

It will come jaymz. Don't try to rush it. You've got to deal with the pain, face the emotions and use this as an opportunity to re-connect with who YOU are and what YOU need to be happy. You'll get there...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worlybear]

Oh Jaymz I feel your hurt and confusion and can sympathise.

I am a little further down the line and altho my divorce is now absolute there's no magic wand to wipe out the last 27+ years.

My daughter, now 10, is very loyal to me and wants nothing to do with her dad but I am encouraging her to resume contact as I think there will be a time in the future, when she may regret losing contact with him.

Its not easy and at the moment its an uphill battle but at the end of the day you only get one dad and I think its important to remember that.

Just be there for your kids even if they don't seem to appreciate it- kids grow up very quickly, hugs:bunny::bunny:

[robf1971]

Part of me hopes she really loves scumbag and he dumps her.

 

It's a near certainty Jaymz... One of 'em will cheat, there will always be the seeds of mistrust in both their minds, since the relationship started in cheating.

 

Also I was thinking this morning driving my kids to school, both of them laying into each other over a Star Wars figure. I just couldn't deal with someone else's kids!! I think that is massive pressure on any relationship.

 

I actually think it would be a bad thing if your wife breaks up with this OM, it's keeping her off your back and allowing you to heal.

[debtman]

I actually think it would be a bad thing if your wife breaks up with this OM, it's keeping her off your back and allowing you to heal.

 

robf1971 has a good point here. I spent 30 minutes on the phone last night with my stbx because she found some mold in the basement of her rental house and I'm the only local man she can ask for help now that she's broken up with OM. If it weren't for the fact that my kids are living there, I'd have told her "good luck." But, I reassured her, told her I would talk with her landlord (since he doesn't listen to her because she's a woman) and, if necessary, set things up with a mold inspection company, call the health department if necessary, etc. Basically, take care of everything for her...

 

If she was still with OM, he would get to deal with this...although, since it's my kids, I'm glad to help, just annoyed that I had to spend 30 minutes of my time reassuring her and placating her because she gets so worked up so easily.

 

Good luck and keep posting..

[jaymz]

have been incredibly down this week, totally cut myself off from everyone and had no motivation for anything.

 

2/11/11 19:00 called kids, the eldest seemed fine but didn't have the business cards I sent him in the post (the kids asked for some over the weekend and I promised to send them), eventually he got them off the STBXW and was really happy. I told him he can now phone or email me at work whenever he needed to. The middle kid seems his usual self, was happy with the cards and said goodbye, the line went dead while i waited for my daughter but he then came back on the line and told me he loved me and missed me so much and started to cry :-( I reassured him as much as possible...

My daughter came on the line and was chatting away about her day and stuff, she is so lovely it hurts not to be able to hold her whenever I want.

 

2/11/11 19:30 Got home from work. Had a massive breakdown in the hallway, body totally went numb and I couldn't stand, tears and snot everywhere. I calmed down after 15 minutes or so and then cleared up. I told myself that this was the low point. I cooked myself something to eat. I then did half the mountain of ironing.

 

Baby steps. This week i decided i was going to get up a 6am for work and go to bed at 10:30pm, no matter what happens.

 

This weekend, with help of family and friends, I am going to redecorate the whole house to freshen it up so it makes it more sellable.

 

Next week I will make myself a packed lunch for everyday.

[jaymz]

The STBXW is having her hernia op today. All week I wanted to say to her that everything will be ok, to hold her and hug her like I did before, to promise that all will be ok and I will be waiting for her when she recovers.

[jaymz]

I have taken today off work. I am going to get my hair cut, get the solicitor papers witnessed and signed. Tidy house and get bike fixed. Start some prep work for the weekend decorating.

[jaymz]

Well done some stuff on my list and a few others that weren't.

 

Listening to some songs, the lyrics from this one hit home with me and how I had been over the last few years:

 

 

"Numb"

 

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Every step that I take is another mistake to you

 

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware

I'm becoming this, all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you

 

Can't you see that you're smothering me,

Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?

'Cause everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart right in front of you.

Every step that I take is another mistake to you.

And every second I waste is more than I can take.

 

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,

Become so tired, so much more aware

I'm becoming this, all I want to do

Is be more like me and be less like you.

 

And I know

I may end up failing too.

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.

[jaymz]

The stbxw went for a hernia operation yesterday. I was very tempted to contact her but havent done so.

 

5/11/11 19:00 called stbxw, call went to vm. She called me back a mimute later and actually seemed happy to talk to me, she said she was in hospital still and the kids were with her parents, i said thanks and hung up. Called kids, her father seems really pissed off!!! They love the kids but cannot stand having them for more than a day, two days is killing them. Spoke to kids, they are having a good time so I am please, chatted to them all for a while.

 

I wondered why the stbxw would be pleased to hear from me... The only thing i could think off is that she is in hospital alone for two days... the kids were with their grandparents and scumbag has his kids for the weekend...

 

Hopefully she has two days to think about things because if we were still together, there is no way she would be in hospital on her own for two days...

[jaymz]

06/11/11 19:40 Just got text from stbxw, she has organised separate times for us at kids parents evening next week. I text her saying we should go at the same time, no answer.

[jaymz]

been following your thread for sometime jaymz

love the song numb... the real linkin park song you should be listening to is blackout

think that would help you more...numb has good lyrics, listened to it loads the past week.... but blackout helps me more, ... cant even listen to the radio on the way or back to work anymore.

 

hang in there.,..sure one day..we`ll both get there

 

I prefer their earlier stuff, the new album is "weak"

 

I have only just started listening to the radio this weekend while redecorating my boys old bedrooms. 12 hours of songs about love, getting back together, splitting up, and regrets - not missed much listening to the radio!

[jaymz]

Just been put onto this site for healthy eating and exercise and thought i would share:

 

http://www.bodyrock.tv

[firecoldwater]

oh........sorry

[MikeT4]

I read your whole thread this afternoon. It made me sad. You seem very tough to me and I'm sure you and your kids are going to pull through this just fine. A lot of men would have collapsed by now. Keep a stiff upper lip.

[jaymz]

I read your whole thread this afternoon. It made me sad. You seem very tough to me and I'm sure you and your kids are going to pull through this just fine. A lot of men would have collapsed by now. Keep a stiff upper lip.

 

Thanks Mike. I'm not tough, not by a long way... And I have broken down on more than one occasion. Its hard.

[jaymz]

8/11/11 14:01 STBXW texts "Can I speak to u?" I reply "what about?" she texts "bank", I reply "what about the bank?" then nothing.

 

Why do I keep getting my hopes up when she sends stuff like "Can I speak to u?"

[MikeT4]

You've said before that you wouldn't take her back. But a statement like that makes it sound like maybe you do still have strong feelings for her. If you can afford it or its in your health plan maybe you can get some counseling to help you deal with it.

 

Also, perhaps you can reach some sort of detente with her and be civil in your communications. She might stop being mean to you when you trade the kids off and when talking about the bank or house or whatever. If you take the first step, she'll probably be appreciative.

[jaymz]

You've said before that you wouldn't take her back. But a statement like that makes it sound like maybe you do still have strong feelings for her. If you can afford it or its in your health plan maybe you can get some counseling to help you deal with it.

 

I wont take her back, too much has gone that prove how little she thinks of me and our relationship. I also believe that she ever think of reconcilling anyway, if she leaves scumbag then she will have someone else already lined up. If scumbag leaves her then she *might* pause and think about things but I believe she will go with anyone just not to be alone and trade again.

 

I have done some councilling etc. I think its just that I still love her very much and cannot stop the love or hope feelings yet, they are fading over time so it gets easier i guess.

 

Also, perhaps you can reach some sort of detente with her and be civil in your communications. She might stop being mean to you when you trade the kids off and when talking about the bank or house or whatever. If you take the first step, she'll probably be appreciative.

 

I would quite happily but unfortunately she is too wrapped up in herself to be concerned about being "fair" or "reasonable". My STBXW is one of those that you are either with her or against her and I am currently enemy number 1. She also lacks empathy too which was a problem during our 15 years together.

 

With time things may get more civil but at the moment I want LC as much as possible.

[jaymz]

08/11/11 The bank are chasing her for £82 for our old joint bank account. I told her that she should have written them a letter months ago to close the account like her told her to so she will have to write them the letter and include a cheque for the charges.

 

no reply yet.

[jaymz]

There was a quote I stumbled over the other day, I cant remember it word for word but it goes something like this:

 

"You wake up one day and want better than good, by the time you find out that you already had the best, he wakes up everyday with a woman that already knows"

[robf1971]

08/11/11 The bank are chasing her for £82 for our old joint bank account. I told her that she should have written them a letter months ago to close the account like her told her to so she will have to write them the letter and include a cheque for the charges.

 

no reply yet.

 

By the sound of things she's got debt's the size of Greece's. Don't let her palm them off on you.

[worldgonewrong]

This - among many reasons - is why divorce would be sweet relief: to cut yourself off from that craziness.