Is it over?

[jaymz]

There are somethings I am looking forward to and somethings I am not. I went out for a beer with my youngest brother on Monday night, he has been single for 4 years and is absolutely loving it (he is 27). So I think its more being afraid of the unknown for me and getting over the stigma of being "not good enough" or "abandoned" or "must be something wrong with him" etc that society or even just yourself think.

 

Spoke to my niece at the weekend, she used to babysit for me when I and the STBXW went out for the evening. She told me that back in Feb when the STBXW dropped her off home, she was telling her that our marriage was going through a really bad time and I was always arguing with her etc etc. I was very surprised to be told this as far as I was concerned, we had been getting on better than ever in the 4/5 months before I found out about the affairs. I guess the STBXW was paving the way for the breakup by letting everyone know how bad I was etc.. nice.

 

My niece is also still friends with my STBXW on fb, I told her that I don't want to know anything as I am not interested. But my niece (who is doing a psychology course at uni) did say that my STBXW looked like she was trying too hard to be happy via fb with the pictures and status updates etc...

 

I just laughed really, I wasn't surprised as her whole family are the type that have to be *seen* to be doing the right thing by their standards even if its totally wrong or out of order.

 

I have the kids parents evening tomorrow night which we are going to separately. Now I am pleased we are as I plan to ask the kids teachers and headmaster some damning and embarrassing questions.

 

While divorce will cut me off from most of this craziness, our 3 kids will always mean we are bounded together in life.

[jaymz]

Bought a timer, skipping rope and dip bar. Planning to do more bodyrock exercises to get myself fit.

 

Time to decided on the man I want to be and not the man I was, I think.

[mark982]

skipping rope, is a damn good way to lose the weight.

[jaymz]

I am about 2 stone (28lbs) above my perfect weight, I know I wont lose that much but another stone (14lbs) and the rest being muscle I would be very happy with. I have lost 4 stone (56lbs) so far through walking, cycling and eating smaller portions and I feel much better.

 

"My marriage died on April 16th 2011. It took me a while to realize that my wife also died on that date. The woman I was married to did not exist any more. Instead, there was this cruel person walking around in her body. If she died tomorrow, I could not mourn her any more than I have already."

 

Need to put that in the house and look at it each day.

[robf1971]

Bought a timer, skipping rope and dip bar. Planning to do more bodyrock exercises to get myself fit.

 

Time to decided on the man I want to be and not the man I was, I think.

 

Cut back your bread intake to 2 slices per day(if you haven't already), I lost a stone in 10 days from doing that!!!

[jaymz]

10/11/11 Went to parents evening at my kids school on my own. The STBXW wanted to go separately... It went well in terms of the boys not slipping school work but the teachers did say their behaviours werent normal at times and they had missed homework sometimes. The eldest had become less inclined to contribute to class work and the middle one was withdrawn at times and lazy with his work. So I spoke to the teachers about what had happened and they will ensure the boys are getting the right amount of attention to keep their grades up. The teacher for my youngest boy absolutely loves him to bits and it would be a personal mission for her to ensure he does really well!

 

I also spoke to the headmaster afterwards for about an hour. I started off mentioning that I needed anything that the teachers sent home with the boys to also be sent to me which he promised to do. He then discussed that he was upset that my STBXW was not going to the school with me for things like parents evening and he could clearly see how she was excluding me from their lives. I explained that she is being difficult about things, keep stuff to herself and he then went on about how he had found her to be rude, disrespectful and extremely selfish person over the last few months when he has had to deal with her and completely understands my position and will do all he can to help me during this difficult time.

 

I also mentioned things like divorce counselling for the kids etc which he says he will sort out for the boys over the next week or so. He also spoke about arranging counselling for me and also for me and STBXW to put the kids first in everything. I wished him luck getting her to agree with that!

 

When I left the headmaster shook my hand, wished me luck and said that he has seen more fathers be given sole custody of kids as society now knows that the mother is NOT always right and does NOT act in the childrens best interest. I told him that UK laws are too bias towards the mother but anything will help me.

 

It was really nice to see that the school knows that I am doing everything for those kids and the STBXW is doing nothing. I felt like it wasn't just all me or I was imagining things. Feel better tonight.

[BrettLost]

Jaymz,

 

I think it is terrific that the school understands and accepts the situation your kids are amongst, and offers help accordingly.

 

I've been surprised also at how many other people DO see the way your life is unfolding, through your eyes.

[jaymz]

11/11/11 18:35 Picked kids up. Wow, the STBXW was as cold as ice with me. Only spoke to ask if I had a day off (i wasn't in suit & tie as usual) and to tell me the two youngest need cough medicine. that was it. also didn't help my daughter started crying and didn't want to come with me. So I calmed her down and got her in the car and when we got home we watched tangled together and I told her a million times that I loved her.

 

Funny thing is she looks worse when she has got her "pissed off" face on, did make me chuckle. Also there are a ton of new flowers in and outside the house, I assume they are all "get well soon" as its been a week since her hernia was done.

[jaymz]

12/11/11 19:00 STBXW called and spoke to kids, she called back afterwards and asked me to bath the kids sunday night before bringing them back to hers - due to her op she has been able to bath kids and have got her mum to do it all last week. I tell her ok, she is then extremely thankful on the phone.

 

12/11/11/19:55 I text STBXW and ask if i can bath the kids all this week. no reply.

 

 

My favourite time of day was bathing the kids. I got 30 minutes just them and me talking about their day and the worries, fun, trials etc they had. I want that back, even if its just one night a week. I miss my kids. 12 days is too long.

[jaymz]

13/11/11 19:30 dropped kids off, STBXW asked what I meant in the text, I explained that I would come to her house after work and bath the kids, her face looked like she had trodden in dogs poo and said she didn't think it was a good idea. I shrugged my shoulders and said night and went home.

 

Would have been nice to do that but I guess its too soon for her. She was thankful that I had bathed the kids that night for her, so I guess that's something.

 

I do think its odd that scumbag is not bathing the kids and she is getting her mother to do it...

[jaymz]

i Love her so much... i cant believe this has happened to em, its too sereal. this happens to other people, not me. so, sad. just a short while ago we had plans, now \i am ememny no 1. i cant even see my kids every week. i told her i mever wanted to be a weekend dad... and now I am.... sad

 

 

 

so sad

 

 

i am sad

[Steen719]

i Love her so much... i cant believe this has happened to em, its too sereal. this happens to other people, not me. so, sad. just a short while ago we had plans, now \i am ememny no 1. i cant even see my kids every week. i told her i mever wanted to be a weekend dad... and now I am.... sad

 

 

 

so sad

 

 

i am sad

 

Sorry, Jay....it is so hard sometimes, isn't it? I have had a sad day, that is until I got mad and it so helped. I am still in the same house..hard to heal, but more chances to get mad

 

Oh, I think it's OK, even better that scumbag does not bathe the kids. I think I would count my blessings.

 

{{{HUGS}}} Feel better!

[jaymz]

I was very drunk last night. bought two bottles of cheap wine and drank them. stayed up very late and have called in sick with work.

 

Just no motivation... and the hangover doesn't help either

[robf1971]

I was very drunk last night. bought two bottles of cheap wine and drank them. stayed up very late and have called in sick with work.

 

Just no motivation... and the hangover doesn't help either

 

Lol,the best cure for that is to buy a bottle of English wine, I took one sip and ended up pouring the rest down the sink.

 

Jaymz, another really good cure, is to work really, really hard, work can be part of you feeling better. It's all part of investing in yourself!!

[jaymz]

Lol,the best cure for that is to buy a bottle of English wine, I took one sip and ended up pouring the rest down the sink.

 

While that is true of majority of english wine, I would recommend a white from the denby vineyard, excellent.

 

Jaymz, another really good cure, is to work really, really hard, work can be part of you feeling better. It's all part of investing in yourself!!

 

I have this started the bodyrock.tv exercises as I'm not cycling so much in this awful weather. Going to spend this weekend decorating again with friends and family so getting the house up to scratch so hopefully sell it soon

[jaymz]

16/11/2011 12:50 Called the STBXW back (she texted then called me saying she needs to discuss my daughter and ask me to call her as it wont cost her mobile bill, lol) She said my youngest hasn't slept the last two nights properly, said she is scared of "zombies" and gets into bed with her elder brother. The STBXW asked what the hell i have been doing! I told her that I had no problems with the daughter over the weekend. I did have an issue with my youngest boy sleep walking Friday night and then having a poo in the middle of the bedroom floor. I explained that i had spoken to the school about what councilling they do for kids and then the STBXW started going on about how I never put her or the kids first and none of this would have happened if I was better father/husband etc, I just said goodbye and hung up.

[jaymz]

16/11/2011 14:35 STBXW calls and says she has spoken to headmaster and wanted to talk again, I reply that I am happy to discuss the kids but only if she will be civil, no reply.

[jaymz]

16/11/2011 18:55 Called kids and spoke to them, them seem OK and and pleased I called them. The STBXW got on the phone and asked me to call her back in 10 minutes as she needed to talk to me about the kids.

 

16/11/2011 19:18 Called STBXW, she thinks I am seeing too much into things and she is not the only one to say that (which means BP and her mother). She also mentioned that she spoke to the headmaster and he said that I was upset we didn't go to parents evening etc together and she never told me about the school photos. She then said that she had ordered me A photo but had told me yet because of the holiday she went on recently, I said that she had known about this for at least 5 weeks and could have said something before and I wanted more than one photo, she said I only ever wanted one photo...(really? what about my parents and brothers we gave photos to???)

 

Next she didnt think there was anything wrong with the kids and they are fine when with her, I said that may have been true but its not the case now if the middle one is sleep walking and the youngest is having problems going to bed on her own. I said that it may be the case we need to keep a close eye on them over the next few weeks but its all ways good to get an idea of other things we can do which is why i asked the headmaster about what councilling they can provide. I said that the kids come first and if nessassary we both should swallow our pride to do that, then she started going on again about how if I had put them first that we wouldn't be in this situation and I should learn to accept blame for causing it all etc, I told her that if she cant talk to me civilly then I am going, she ignore what I said so I said goodbye and hung up the phone.

 

I was very careful to word things without pointing the finger at her, describing the kids being upset about the situation that they are in and us putting them first etc. All she was interested in was me accepting 100% of the blame for the breakdown of the marriage and forcing her away and now if the kids goes nuts its because I have them.... unbelievable....

[jaymz]

Spoke to friend about my situation and she said that I should be expecting my STBXW to be very hot and cold with me for at least the next 6 months or so. She said the STBXW is now starting to see reality of her situation and at the moment blaming everything on me but wont be able to do that for much longer as we sever more ties together. So now she will be comparing what she had before with what she has today, if scumbag is proving less than perfect then I should expect the STBXW to be calling me, being super nice when asking for favours etc (like Saturday night) more often. She also said that its interesting that scumbag doesn't bath the kids, she reckons its either 1) the kids said no to him right at the beginning or 2) STBXW looks after HER kids and scumbag looks after HIS kids.

[robf1971]

I should learn to accept blame for causing it all etc, ..

 

It's just a like a kid blaming the dog for eating their homework. Of course it couldn't be their fault one little bit could it.

[jaymz]

It's just a like a kid blaming the dog for eating their homework. Of course it couldn't be their fault one little bit could it.

 

It just makes everything 10 x harder.

 

She tells me that she doesnt trust me - I have given her no reason not to trust me

 

She tells me that everything is all my fault - I did tell her months ago that I will accept 50% of the marriage breakdown but her decision to cheat multiple times is 100% her fault

 

She is not a good co-parent - Just cuts me out of everything and now after speaking to the school I dont have to rely on her at all now

 

Its just all so petty, really is. Just nothing there about me or the kids or what she has done. nothing. really sad to see.

[robf1971]

It just makes everything 10 x harder.

 

She tells me that she doesnt trust me - I have given her no reason not to trust me

 

She tells me that everything is all my fault - I did tell her months ago that I will accept 50% of the marriage breakdown but her decision to cheat multiple times is 100% her fault

 

She is not a good co-parent - Just cuts me out of everything and now after speaking to the school I dont have to rely on her at all now

 

Its just all so petty, really is. Just nothing there about me or the kids or what she has done. nothing. really sad to see.

 

You are witnessing the beginnings of her not being very happy with her lot. I've said it before but you need to be hoping that she doesn't break up with OM, she will be all over you like a tonne of bricks, not in a nice way either.

[jstobo]

Jaymz: it's time to just let go. When the kids are with her, let them be with her. Who cares who bathes them. You are having a battle in your mind that is only hurting you. She doesn't give a rats a** what you think anymore. The sooner you do the same, the better for you. Yes, I still have little battles in my mind, but she no longer hears any of it. I trust that my STBX is a good Mom. Letting go for me wasn't about her, it was about me. My life has been much better because of it. Let her be the protagonist. The more it doesn't effect you, the sooner she'll stop doing it. As long as it effects you, she'll keep doing it. She is the mother of your children and that is it. Nothing more and nothing less. She is not worthy of your emotions any longer!

[jaymz]

16/11/11 18:03 Called STBXW to discuss kids further. Very different conversation from before. She basically agreed that we should be better co-parents and wants to improve on her side and I said I would do the same. She also said that I don't tell her anything, I said that's because I don't have anything to tell her. She asked about the house, I said there were no offers so far but would discuss if we got any, she suggested to use and agent and I agreed to think about it. She asked about my job and I said I was still employed.

 

I told her I was going to take a week off before xmas and have the kids that week then hand them back usual time on xmas day, she said ok, no arguments. I said I was having the xmas decorations as I have the kids, she said that was fine but wanted some her mum bought, I asked for a list and I would return them as I don't want her taking everything.

 

She then asked for help with the bank charges, i told her no as it was her fault for not closing the account down all those months ago. Then she tells me that she has cancelled the kids swimming lessons as she cant afford it, I said the kids will be fine to go without lessons for a few months.

 

She then asks if I can have the kids Friday night, I had to say no as I already had plans (work so cant re-arrange), i wish she would give me more notice, i would have loved to have had them. She then asks if my parents could have them? I said I would ask and let her know. Then I spoke to the kids for a bit.

 

I asked my parents and they couldn't so I text the STBXW, instead of the usual sparse response I got a couple of sentences thanking me for asking!

 

I really don't think she has changed in 24 hours to be a much better co-parent but fingers crossed it lasts, makes things so much easier!

[jaymz]

Jaymz: it's time to just let go. When the kids are with her, let them be with her. Who cares who bathes them. You are having a battle in your mind that is only hurting you. She doesn't give a rats a** what you think anymore. The sooner you do the same, the better for you. Yes, I still have little battles in my mind, but she no longer hears any of it. I trust that my STBX is a good Mom. Letting go for me wasn't about her, it was about me. My life has been much better because of it. Let her be the protagonist. The more it doesn't effect you, the sooner she'll stop doing it. As long as it effects you, she'll keep doing it. She is the mother of your children and that is it. Nothing more and nothing less. She is not worthy of your emotions any longer!

 

I do sometimes think I am too obsessing over things, but part of me thinks that this is a usual thing?

 

I don't really talk to her that much and I certainly don't tell what I am doing or ask after what she is doing, but I am concerned about the kids and what goes on around them.

 

I am trying to let go but sometimes the waters are too muddy and its not clear what I should and shouldn't be doing. Hopefully with her wanting to be a better co-parent it will make things clearer for the both of us.

 

Just want to sell the house! Then I am free financially to do things I want to do!!!!