Is it over?

[jaymz]

And to top it off, got a letter from my solictor, they didnt complete my application for decree nisi correctly so I have to do it all again

 

When I spoke to my other solicitor, she agreed to waive the fee and witness the signing as I had had so much hassle with the STBXW

[jaymz]

Weird weekend. On friday afternoon I was on an incredible high, I just could not feel happier and more positive. I picked up kids as usual, spoke to STBXW about a couple of minor things and then back home again.

 

Yesterday I woke up and was incredibly depressed, not been that bad for a while. I just didnt want to do anything all day and had to drag myself out to go to the shops, done the library for more kids books etc.

 

Today I feel like crap again, not sure why. I am going to start putting up the xmas decorations now with the kids and then my brother and his son is coming over for the afternoon in a few hours. I just feel like I want to crawl into bed and sleep the day away.

[jaymz]

Yesterday i was balling my eyes out at the ending of tangled.

 

Today I got out the xmas decorations and forgot that there were last years cards in there, read the card from the STBXW, now I am a mess again!

[Steen719]

Sorry, Jaymz. I know the ups and downs are bad. You can feeling so much better and then one day you wake up and feel so down, you just can't believe it. I always try to keep in mind that since I have those good days, there are bound to be more and more of those. I haven't had a really sad day in a while (plenty of mad ones), but I know I could and it is almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I found that when I did have one of those days, if I cried and got it out, I would feel better. It always seems worse in the mornings for me, too. First thing I think about, ugh.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[willowthewisp]

Hey Jaymz

 

It's a rollarcoaster, one day up, next down and it carries on for a really long time, I'm sorry to say. Just makes what she did to you even more evil when you think about it. Isn't it crazy that they have no perception of the total devastation and pain, physical pain, that they have caused to someone whom they claim they once loved? I say claimed because I truely beleive that there are people in this world who do not know what it is to love.

 

The good days do get more frequent with time. I think it's less to do with feeling better but rather that you really lose your love that you once had for them. I know you cannot imagine not loving her now, I know you cannot imagine not caring one little bit about her or what she does or doesn't do, but trust me that indifference will come. I never thought I would not care about my ex but I don't! Not at all, I honestly do not have any feeling for him whatsoever, not even fondness. The way he left me, what he did to me, means I cannot even treasure our memories or remember him with any level of affection. I just feel nothing for him.

 

I think some people mistake my anger for sadness, for wanting him back, i don't. Anger is a natural reaction that helps prevent someone form hurting you further or again. It is something that those of us who have been left in such cruel and vindictive ways will probably always carry with us to some extent and that is to be expected.

 

The day will come when you just don't care about her at all.

[jaymz]

I don't know where i got the strength from but decided i needed to get out of the house, got my brother and his kid over and we all went down the park for two hours. Yep it was cold, damp and windy but we all had fun, got muddy and ran around a lot!

 

When i got back in i felt so much better, my brother left shortly afterwards and I felt good enough to go through the xmas decorations with the kids. We did the tree and most of the downstairs before stopping for dinner. They absolutely loved decorating - the tree looks a mess ;-)

 

After dinner it was a bath then back to their mum's house, She wanted to talk about something but I said sorry and had to leave as I was late, I just did not want to spend any time in her presence today.

 

Got home, cooked myself dinner and then tied up the house. Just sitting down now, 10pm for a short while then to bed, then up earlier and start exercising again. I need to continue motivating myself as it does make you feel better and I was really down today.

[jaymz]

Sorry, Jaymz. I know the ups and downs are bad. You can feeling so much better and then one day you wake up and feel so down, you just can't believe it. I always try to keep in mind that since I have those good days, there are bound to be more and more of those. I haven't had a really sad day in a while (plenty of mad ones), but I know I could and it is almost like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I found that when I did have one of those days, if I cried and got it out, I would feel better. It always seems worse in the mornings for me, too. First thing I think about, ugh.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

I hadn't had a really bad day for a while. I know its triggers that keep setting me off so I know that I will keep on having them until I sell the house and dump all those memories.

 

I hate morning. sometimes I wake up and everything is normal, then I remember, those are the worse mornings.

[jaymz]

Hey Jaymz

 

It's a rollarcoaster, one day up, next down and it carries on for a really long time, I'm sorry to say. Just makes what she did to you even more evil when you think about it. Isn't it crazy that they have no perception of the total devastation and pain, physical pain, that they have caused to someone whom they claim they once loved? I say claimed because I truely beleive that there are people in this world who do not know what it is to love.

 

The good days do get more frequent with time. I think it's less to do with feeling better but rather that you really lose your love that you once had for them. I know you cannot imagine not loving her now, I know you cannot imagine not caring one little bit about her or what she does or doesn't do, but trust me that indifference will come. I never thought I would not care about my ex but I don't! Not at all, I honestly do not have any feeling for him whatsoever, not even fondness. The way he left me, what he did to me, means I cannot even treasure our memories or remember him with any level of affection. I just feel nothing for him.

 

I think some people mistake my anger for sadness, for wanting him back, i don't. Anger is a natural reaction that helps prevent someone form hurting you further or again. It is something that those of us who have been left in such cruel and vindictive ways will probably always carry with us to some extent and that is to be expected.

 

The day will come when you just don't care about her at all.

 

it seems just when I think the rollercoaster is slowing down, it gets a bloody kickstart again!!!

 

I did think my STBXW was more in love with the idea of being in love than actually being in love with me. She has kind of validated this for me with her comments in the past, like having kids as it was the next stage in our relationship or she was the only one holding us together etc. What is horrifying to me is how she can be so callous and hateful towards me when I have done nothing wrong...

 

I am looking forward now to being in that state. I want to be indifferent, just have no idea how to get there or how long it will take.

[jaymz]

Have to get this down before I forget:

 

19/12/11 09:05 STBXW turns up with the kids, she looks awful and is in her gym kit so i now know why she wants the drop the kids off at 9am. I say hello to the kids and help them get out of coats etc. She tells me my daughter was not well etc, usual stuff, everything ok so far.

 

Then she tells me I am dropping the kids off at 16:00 on xmas day. I tell her no, usualy time of 18:30. All hell breaks lose. She accuses me of all sorts of lying and playing games etc. I say to her that no, its not true, I offered her weeks ago to drop the kids off earlier on xmas day and but she need to let me know what time. I heard nothing from her so have planned my day with the kids and family for dropping them off usual time. In fact only the other week she asked when I was dropping the kids off on xmas day and I said usual time and then she asked when I was having them for the week before, as she wanted me to have them from the sunday night.

 

She then refuses to give me the car keys and wants to call her solictor, she said I cannot have them the xmas now and she will come and get them before etc. I tell her no. She then starts to tell the kids that they are not staying with daddy anymore and to come home, they all tell her that they want to be with daddy. I said to her that I cannot believe she is using the kids like that, she turns around and accuses me of turning them against her, say bad things about her when they are here and turning them into a mini me. I replied that i dont ever say anthing like that to them at all, in fact the complete opposite, she doesnt believe me. Then starts accusing me of taking them to bad places and give them nightmares, never calling them, broken promises etc.

 

Scumbag is out of his car and says that he doesnt have a right to say anything but you two needed to sort this out before hand, as you (meaning me) would want them for xmas next year - another threat from STBXW. I was quite surprised that he said anything and it was reasonably reasonable too but the spell was broken as the STBXW was going on again about how I agreed to an earlier time etc, again I said no and told her I made the offer but she never said what time so I have made my own plans, I am not doing doorstep negotiations with her anymore.

 

Eventually she gave me the car keys, said goodbye to the kids again and left, I did wish her a merry xmas.

[jaymz]

Feelin really angry and pi**ed off at the moment. She has had plenty of oppurtunites to talk about things but never wants to. The kids nativity play, great example, we could have chatted in the interval about things, but no, instead she was threatening me with the CSA.

 

I have asked her for the kids xmas list, never recieved it.

 

I aksed about what presents she is getting, nothing except going halves on a PS3.

 

Just getting sick of dealing with her. I have another 15 years of it.

[jstobo]

Feelin really angry and pi**ed off at the moment. She has had plenty of oppurtunites to talk about things but never wants to. The kids nativity play, great example, we could have chatted in the interval about things, but no, instead she was threatening me with the CSA.

 

I have asked her for the kids xmas list, never recieved it.

 

I aksed about what presents she is getting, nothing except going halves on a PS3.

 

Just getting sick of dealing with her. I have another 15 years of it.

 

I don't know if this will help you feel better. But your STBXW is NOT happy. If she were happy, she would not give you any trouble at all. My STBX does not give me any grief about anything and she is very cordial most of the time. I'm the one who is an a** to her and it's because I'm not happy. She has her new life, new love and the kids half the time. Since she is happy, she doesn't do the things your STBXW does. In my opinion, she's NOT happy with her new life. I don't want you to think it means she wants you back. But it means things aren't going so well for her.

[jaymz]

19/12/11 17:00 I get home from a day out with the kids, my daughter is sitting on the floor and is crying that she cant get her coat unzipped. As i drop the stuff I am carrying into the house and bend over, she is then sick loads all over herself and the floor. I mean loads, like that poltergiest film. Once she stops I then start to take her clothes off as they are covered, she starts being sick again, i helplessly stand there until she finishs. And with a smile on my face to reassure her, I strip off her clothes, give her a shower, but her in her pjammers and then stick her favourite DVD on while I cook the boys dinner and clean up the mess. Luckily I have fake wooden floors downstairs so it was easy to clean up.

 

19/12/11 19:00 STBXW calls kids, they tell her about my daughter being sick. When STBXW talks to my daughter she then says about her being sick last night on the floor in mummies room and then later in her own bed. STBXW then asks to talk to me, she wants to know what happened so I tell her and say I hope its nothing more than a 24hr kids bug.

 

Inside I am really pissed off. Firstly what mother ships off her sick daughter let alone without actually saying anything about her being very sick and not just unwell. Secondly all the crap earlier about taking them away was just a bluff, she had no intention of having the kids if she can do that.

 

If she had told me I would have still had them as I dont mind them being ill, what annoys me is she totally understated it and let me find out the hard way how bad she actually was. The ideal situation would have been for my daughter to stay with my STBXW for a day to recover rather than being taken outside and on a trip for the day. I wouldnt have minded that as it would have been sensible and put the kids first. But i guess it would have ruined her plans.

 

And the audacity to have a go to me about the kids earlier? I would never have done that to them or her.

[worldgonewrong]

Yup, your STBX exhibits classic selfishness. GRRRR.

[jaymz]

I don't know if this will help you feel better. But your STBXW is NOT happy. If she were happy, she would not give you any trouble at all. My STBX does not give me any grief about anything and she is very cordial most of the time. I'm the one who is an a** to her and it's because I'm not happy. She has her new life, new love and the kids half the time. Since she is happy, she doesn't do the things your STBXW does. In my opinion, she's NOT happy with her new life. I don't want you to think it means she wants you back. But it means things aren't going so well for her.

 

I dont know if she is happy or not, and I am getting to the point where I just dont care anymore as its too much for me. I just think that:

1. She wants to cut me out of her life so she does not consider me in anything to do with the kids.

2. She is used to me doing what she wants.

3. She is used to me "correcting" her mistakes/faults.

4. I am the babysitter who pays her and should be greatful for any time with the kids

5. She believes she is never wrong

[worldgonewrong]

5. She believes she is never wrong

 

Oh God, this is a biggie for my wife too. Seriously.

 

If I had a dime for every time she actually apologized to me for hurting my feelings, I'd be dumpster-diving behind Starbuck's.

[jaymz]

Like bigtime. My STBXW will construct scenarious in her head about why something has happend and that is the whole truth and the remembered truth of events. Even though witness contradict her or there are other explainations, all irrelevant, her view is gospel. game over.

 

Also should add no empathy into the mix so all reasons behind actions are bad. game over.

[jaymz]

20/12/11 12:00 Ergh!. Just saw a status update from mutual friend about how they had a great night with STBXW and scumbag. Spent next 15 minutes culling them all from FB. should have done it months ago.

[Surfer203]

jaymz: That's too bad. FB stinks for that reason. It forces you to know everything that's going on. Some things are better just not known. Once my divorce is final and it's public, I plan on deleting all of my wife's friends and family and any mutual friends that lean more towards her.

[debtman]

Yeah, FB can be annoying. I know that de-friending my stbx will be seen as a personal attack, so I just "Hide" her posts so they only show up when mutual friends comment on her posts. If they're "her" friends, I hide them as well. That way, I don't have to see all her updates, but can go back and look if she posts pics/videos of the kids, etc.

 

Stick to it jaymz, you're doing the right thing and being the better person. You're there for your kids, which is the most important thing...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[jaymz]

Yeah, FB can be annoying. I know that de-friending my stbx will be seen as a personal attack, so I just "Hide" her posts so they only show up when mutual friends comment on her posts. If they're "her" friends, I hide them as well. That way, I don't have to see all her updates, but can go back and look if she posts pics/videos of the kids, etc.

My STBXW just posts about how great her life is and loads of pictures of her and scumbag out doing things. She blocked me on FB from the begining which I was annoyed about but now am very glad as I dont have to see that crap, just get told about it occasionly from people who mean well.

Stick to it jaymz, you're doing the right thing and being the better person. You're there for your kids, which is the most important thing...

I try and slip all the time. It does feel like 2 kids arguing. Monday was a nightmare and I felt bad about saying no but I had decided that I was not going to bend anymore, if she cannot give me the curtosy of a time in a reasonable time frame or "forget" what we agreed, then I will say no. But i dont think i handled it as well as I should have as she was accusing me of all sorts and conveniently forgetting what I actually said, what I said the week before and only focusing on the offer I made.

[jaymz]

20/12/11 16:50 Text STBXW and updated her on the kids. My daughter was lethargic all day and the two boys said they were feeling ill.

 

20/12/11 17:05 She calls and I tell her about the kids, she tells me to feed them toast if possible as they need to keep some strength etc. She then tells me that she was ill with the same last week and if it gets worse to take them to the doctor. I say ok to everything she says as its nothing new. She then speaks to the kids and asks to speak to me. She offers to come over and bring anything they need, I say that i have everything i need and all is ok, she then asks me to text her later with any updates.

[jaymz]

After i tried to give my daughter some rusk, she threw up again!

 

That phone call made me really think about how this whole situation is so wrong. Atleast they are sitting on the sofa with me, lots of cuddles and watching xmas films.

 

Shouldnt be this way.

[jaymz]

21/12/11 11:27 Missed call from STBXW and called her back. The breast implants she had a few years ago are the French PIP implants which are all over the news today with links to cancer and the French government paying for all French citizens to have them removed. She had called her surgeon and had it confirmed she was given a PIP implant, they advised her to have a scan to check it hadn't leaked already and then to come to see the surgeon on January 3rd to have it checked again.

 

She wants me to take the day off so she can go there with her mum, I said I would check with work and let her know. She thanked me several times before hanging up the phone.

 

Now I am quite torn: Half of me thinks take the day off and be glad your not caught up in all that drama, quarter of me thinks I should have told her that I will be there for her etc and the other quarter thinks I should just tell her no.

[marqueemoon4]

Whoa she needs a big favor from you after she has treated you like trash the last year? Hell no. Sounds like a personal problem of HERS.

[Surfer203]

jaymz: Tough call... from my own experience recently, I have done a few things above and beyond for my stbxw and I completely regret it. Such as picking her up after her accident at the hospital, taking care of her for weeks, driving her to pick up her new car last night, driving her to a friends after she was injured to stay for a week. No more favors. Why should you do anything for her?