Is it over?

[robf1971]

So she is trying everything to get me out and get him in and I wont allow that.

 

You do have a choice in this. You can choose to either be a victim, or not be a victim. Meetings with her parents, lecturing her on how she should put kids first is a waste of time. The only thing she will understand are your strong actions.

 

If I was you I'd have her in court on assualt charges by now. Ohh and if you have'nt run a CRB check on OM yet, your crazy. Do it, and if you find anything, report it to the police.

 

As one of the other posters says, "go hard or go home" or your gonna get chewed up.

[jaymz]

9/5/11 09:50 Spoke to my solicitor today about things, gonna hang fire on a few items as they can be a card to be used later. The solicitor is sending the w the divorce petition today so she should get it tomorrow.

 

9/5/11 10:20 Started to keep busy by mowing the lawn and tidying up the house, had some music on, it got to me so I had to switch it off!

 

Why is it stupid songs i listened to a couple of months ago and enjoyed now have a different meaning?

 

Pick up the bike Thursday, cant wait to get out every day.

[robf1971]

Why is it stupid songs i listened to a couple of months ago and enjoyed now have a different meaning?

 

Pick up the bike Thursday, cant wait to get out every day.

 

Tip, if your broken hearted, stick to ACDC/ Iron Maiden etc

[bestplayer]

9/5/11 09:50 Spoke to my solicitor today about things, gonna hang fire on a few items as they can be a card to be used later. The solicitor is sending the w the divorce petition today so she should get it tomorrow.

 

9/5/11 10:20 Started to keep busy by mowing the lawn and tidying up the house, had some music on, it got to me so I had to switch it off!

 

Why is it stupid songs i listened to a couple of months ago and enjoyed now have a different meaning?

 

Pick up the bike Thursday, cant wait to get out every day.

 

In addition to that can you ask your stbx not to rub her affair on your face until you are still married ?

Right now it seems she's purposely doing everything possible to disrespect you .

 

 

Best of luck

[willowthewisp]

Yeah I agree with bestplayer, your wife is unbelievable the way she is flaunting her affair in your face, not even the decency to wait until you are not living together anymore. I can't get over it! I've been thinking about it all day. I just don't know what to say to you Jaymz, you're being incrediably strong.

[jstobo]

Wow. All I can say is one day your STBX is going to be asked very difficult questions from your kids about what happened in your marriage. She may lie to them, but inside she is going to know how terribly she handled this situation. One day, your kids are going ask you the same question and your going to feel so proud when you answer them. Your kids may think its fine right now because of their ages, but when they become young adults, it will all change. She will regret this one day. I know that does nothing to make you feel better, but she is forgetting about the long term pain she is causing on herself and your children. Tragic.

[jaymz]

Had a chat with stbxw, she knows how badly she has behaved and promised to be alot better in the future, dont know if that will happen but atleast its a step in the right direction.

 

I do truly love my wife, I have always acted with best intentions and on the moral high ground, I always treat people how I would like to be treated. so when the day comes, and I'm sure it will, the kids will know that I did not want what happened and acted at all times with their best interests at heart.

 

I dont know if I would say I'm strong, others would call it being a door mat!

 

Each day I know that things will not go the way I want, I know this deep down but don't want to accept it yet. I cant accept it yet, its been 15 years. I love her so much and have this hope that she will wake up and release what she is doing. I know that will never happen, but it seems impossible to imagine anything else at present.

 

But one day I will stop, properly commit to being single and actually move on. I cant wait for that day, her moving out and the family house sold will be the biggest catalyst for change.

 

I take each day at a time. I am not looking forward to most of them at present, her moving out, kids going, scumbag moving in, kids birthdays etc. it is going to be so hard for me.

[debtman]

I dont know if I would say I'm strong, others would call it being a door mat!

 

Absolutely not. Sounds to me like you're doing the same thing I had to do, making decisions with the best interests of the kids in mind...because you're obviously the only one doing that.

 

I take each day at a time. I am not looking forward to most of them at present, her moving out, kids going, scumbag moving in, kids birthdays etc. it is going to be so hard for me.

 

It will. hardest thing you've ever face. Just remember, this is a temporary situation. It does get better. Your W is living in the new relationship fog, don't count on her for anything. Remember, you are going to come out of this learning about any shortcomings you had in the relationship and growing from that. She is living in a fantasy world that WILL eventually crumble and she'll find herself repeating the same mistakes and facing the same problems. The relationship between my W and OM finally fell apart, seven months after the ILYBINILWY speech. Now I get all sorts of apology emails, invitations to dinner, offers to do things together, etc. but I know that these are situationally driven and she is not making any real changes, just looking for someone else to come "save" her. I just go back and read the nasty emails she sent about how horrible our relationship was, etc.

 

I can't ever let go of what she did to me and our kids. Her selfish decision broke up our family, hurt and confused our kids and put us both in financial stress. She didn't treat me like a "friend" treats another friend. At this point, she is nothing more than a co-parent. One day I hope to be able to "forgive" her for the choices she made, but I will never forget.

 

I know it's next to impossible for you to see at this time, but we are better off without someone in our lives, who we depend on that much, who can treat us like that.

 

You will get through this, things will get better and she will someday regret her decision.

 

Focus on yourself and your kids. Stick to the 180 and NC/LC.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[jaymz]

10/5/11 15:30 she called to say she had told the kids headmaster about our breakup, according to w the headmaster thought it would be very confusing for us to stay in the same house together with the kids. I said nothing, thanked her for talking to headmaster and said goodbye.

 

10/5/11 19:00 the eldest is playing up, he doesn't want mummy and daddy to break up, I distract him with something else and get on with bathing the kids. W mentions again about the headmaster, I told her that if we are still living together for another month until she sorts out accommodation then we shouldn't have told the kids. She then leaves for the evening. I spoke to my mum who works as a teacher, she assures me that no teacher would give that sort of advice, they are always non-committal and will refer you to a councillor. I guess she is trying another method to get me out of the house?

 

Thanks for the posts guys, it is really uplifting to get support during this hard time. Today has been a good day. I went to work and was distracted for a good 12 hours. I did around 140 minutes of brisk walking, which burns around 480 calories. legs ache with hill climb on way home but I feel tired now so hopefully will get a better night sleep.

 

I feel less and less for my wife now, I don't seem to have the deep ache which consumes my thoughts like it once did. I guess seeing her in an all new light has made me realise a few home truths.

 

I have learned a lot about myself over the last two months, I just want to start living again. Spoke to my mum, she cheered me up by saying the W and scumbag wouldnt last 2 years, my mum is pretty astute when it comes to people and relationships and 50% of me is glad that is going to end but 50% of me think what a waste? Why put everyone through this for something that wont last? crazy new relationship fog.

 

Made the kids packed lunches and did the ironing while watching the football. distracted me for another 2 hours. gonna try watching a film now and then go to bed.

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

Tell your stbxw that is she thinks being in the same house is detrimental then she can move out! Tell her you have been advised legally to stay put, end of.

 

What is more confusing for the kids will be meeting OM! Your stbxw has some nerve.

 

I wanted to let you know that people are thinking about you, I think about you often throughtout my day, I was telling a friend about how your stbxw is behaving over lunch today, I just cannot get my head around how someone can treat somebody else like that. My friend told be her grandfathers wife is doing the same to him right now, they are seperated due to her affair and still in same house (no kids though, older) and she is getting all done up and going off out for the night with OM. Her grandfather also has cancer and is now suffering with major depression with it all. My friend said that you sound like you are doing an amazing job of handling it well and with strength, which is really important to protect your children as much as possible as she certainly isn't. I have to agree.

 

She is going to regret this big time one day, probaly sooner rather than later, but who knows when. It probably won't happen until you start to not want her, love her and move on with your life, as is so often the case in these situations, which in a way is a shame because by then you have no desire to reconcile, like Debtman. In another way though it's a good thing because you really DON'T want a women like this, capable of this treatment of another, in your life.

 

Hugs :bunny:

[debtman]

In another way though it's a good thing because you really DON'T want a women like this, capable of this treatment of another, in your life.

 

So true...some wise words in there willow. Stay strong Jaymz. She will regret this and I doubt it even lasts 2 years.

 

Worst part is the kids getting "connected" to OM and hearing about him through them. Just let it roll off, don't respond and, if anything, feel sorry for him. He has NO idea what he's getting into. If she'll do it to you after 15 years and kids, she'll do it to him on a whim.

 

Watching my wife get all "dolled" up and going out on dates was incredibly painful but, I had to laugh inside knowing what an act she was putting on...and remembering when she was putting that act on for me.

 

Remember how she's acting now, because later, when she and OM have problems and she tells you how sorry she is for how she treated you and how much she has "learned" about you, you can just thank her while you think about what a wreck she made of her life. By then, you will have your life put back together, your kids will LOVE the time they spend with you and things will be getting easier. You will be happy with where you are, you will have learned from your last relationship and you will be a better person.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[robf1971]

. I guess she is trying another method to get me out of the house?.

 

Do not go... Do not go under ANY circumstances.

 

Pack her sh*t up in boxes, then you say

 

"Wife I agree, this isn't healthy us living together like this, I get it now, you want to be with OM, I want you to be with OM, I've packed your stuff up and am happy to store it for you until next Thursday when the dustmen come around. I'll even help you move out"

[jaymz]

Thanks for input guys.

 

I have no idea how to handle things over next few months as they settle into a routine. But I feel less and less for her due to her outrageous behaviour - which is probably a blessing in disguise. I dont think I would ever had her back now, I would always be a safe haven for the kids but she can go jump.

 

Gone out drinking today at work, spoke to a friend who is going throuhg the same problem.

[willowthewisp]

We'll see you in the morning for the hangover then Jaymz!

[jaymz]

Just got home. totally wrecked but had a great time.

 

I guess you know who your real friends are.

[jaymz]

Feelin odd today.

 

I am the sort of person that is 100% honest, faithful, truthful & committed when in a relationship. I have started to notice women again. Before I would perhaps appreciate woman but it seems from afar and purely platonic. Now its as if I'm a teenager again and the world is full of beautiful women. Now I have another reason to get my hair cut & shave regularly, buy nice clothes, look good etc.

 

Is this too early?

[willowthewisp]

Feelin odd today.

 

I am the sort of person that is 100% honest, faithful, truthful & committed when in a relationship. I have started to notice women again. Before I would perhaps appreciate woman but it seems from afar and purely platonic. Now its as if I'm a teenager again and the world is full of beautiful women. Now I have another reason to get my hair cut & shave regularly, buy nice clothes, look good etc.

 

Is this too early?

 

It's been two months you're not divorced and she is still in the house. It's up to you, only you know when you are ready to date. The problem is that what can feel real is often your feelings for your wife or a desire to feel affection from someone else ie a rebound. Whilst this will help you in the short term it will most certainly not help in the long run and not only that but you risk potentially hurting a women, possibly quite badly.

 

I had a guy I met online texting me all over Christmas, he assured me he was over his XW, I was concerned because he had only been seperated 3 months and divorced one week. For that reason I did not rush to meet him, but even so, when he abruptly disappeared (as in last text Happy New Year at 2.30am and then never heard from him again) I must admit I was a bit upset, particulalry as he knew what I had been through with my ex and that I had waited until I was ready to date because it isn't fair to your rebound partner. Of course, it's always possible he just didn't like me, but one min he was keen, next gone.

 

My personal opinion is to wait, you may even find that many women will not date a sperated man (not until they are divorced), I include myself here. I know that may seem extremely unfair given how your divorce has come about, but it's simply a matter of self preservation as many men may reconcile during the seperation phase, plus morals of course (personal opinion again).

 

In your situation I think it is highly possible that you may be able to move on from your stbxw very quickly given her treatment of you but I would still advise caution because you were together 15 years and the last thing you need is to jump into something when you haven't fully come to terms with what has happened and so make unwise judgments on your choice of partner or end up hurt by someone else treating you badly.

Edited May 12, 2011 by willowthewisp

[jaymz]

Thanks willow.

 

I think the question was more around me changing and noticing women as potential partners rather than starting to date. I certainly do not feel ready for that and it has been way too soon. I would be a complete mess and it would be completely unfair on everyone else.

 

I just think its odd that I had started to notice things like this when I had spent the last 12/13 years oblivious to woman in that way?

 

Am I geting over this too quickly and will suffer a relapse at some point?

 

I am 99% certain that I will never take her back due to whats happened, even if everything goes wrong 6 months down the line and she seems genuine and I can have my family back etc. I surpose I want to heal properly and do it right.

[debtman]

I would say that it's certainly too soon to think about another relationship, but there's absolutely no issue with noticing women. Just goes to show that there are LOTS of options and opportunities out there.

 

I don't think that you noticing other women says anything about you getting over the emotional pain of the break-up. I would say they are very separate occurrences.

 

Recovery is a roller coaster...of emotions, attitudes and realizations. Just remember that it's a ride that will eventually end.

 

I tried some online dating within a few months of my wife's ILYBINILWY speech and quickly discovered that I wasn't ready for that. I was just too hung up on what happened. I've recently started hanging out with a few different women who share the same activity interests as I do, so we go out, do the activity (rock climbing, volleyball, skydiving, etc.) and then go out for drinks or hang out and talk after. It's great, no pressure for a relationship, spending time getting to be friends and enjoying each others company.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[jaymz]

Looked on FB, she had changed her profile pictures to one of her in a hotel room on a night out with scumbag. took me by surprise and now my heart is racing again.

 

Stupid me!

[debtman]

Do yourself a favor and block her on FB. It will prevent you from going to look at what she's doing in the "weak" moments. I haven't blocked my stbx yet (as she would see it as a personal attack plus she puts pics and videos of our kids on there), but I "hid" her posts. However, that doesn't work so well because I see whenever one of our mutual friends "likes" her posts or posts on her wall. I spent the first few months looking at what she was doing, but I've mostly stayed off FB for the past few months. I just go on to check private messages, which is how I communicate on there as well...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[willowthewisp]

Thanks willow.

 

I think the question was more around me changing and noticing women as potential partners rather than starting to date. I certainly do not feel ready for that and it has been way too soon. I would be a complete mess and it would be completely unfair on everyone else.

 

I just think its odd that I had started to notice things like this when I had spent the last 12/13 years oblivious to woman in that way?

 

Am I geting over this too quickly and will suffer a relapse at some point?

 

I am 99% certain that I will never take her back due to whats happened, even if everything goes wrong 6 months down the line and she seems genuine and I can have my family back etc. I surpose I want to heal properly and do it right.

 

Ahh, sorry I misunderstood! Nope not to soon at all, in fact i started noticing men about a week after my ex left. I think in part it is your minds way of seeing if you can find someone else attractive, if that makes sense? You've been with one person for so long, not looking, it's the minds way of seeing if it is possible.

 

I don't think this will in any way cause a relapse, or as we call it on here, backslide, backsliding is all part of the healing process anyway, unfortuntely, strap yourself in because it is a rollarcoaster or ups and downs emotions that can last a long while.

 

The inital rawness and the physical pain, you know, the pain in your chest and gut, like you have been kicked, the ache, that passes within the first 3-6 months or so, but the rollarcoaster continues. For me it has been over two years now and the lows come much less frequently, but I do still dream about him every night (p***** me off!).

 

I think you may find anger is more prevelent in your healing, due to her behaviour, but that may actually speed you along more quickly. It's a case of just roll with it, treat yourself as you would treat a friend going through this and don't try to fight your emotions.

[PollyIvy]

Debtman and Willow,

I am drinking in your advice too. The roller coaster part... holding on for the ride here....

My H has been acting cruel and crazy but still couldn't hold a candle to Jaymz's wife's behavior.

I'm also thinking about what I'm going to do: dating, etc.... but I am LISTENING TO YOU. This thread of Jaymz' is so full of excellent advice that is pertinent to my situation too. So thanks everybody.

[jaymz]

12/05/11 19:30 Came home, didnt really say much to w but she wanted another discussion about the sleeping arrangements and wanted me on the sofa, I told her that she could sleep on the sofa or leave but kids stay with me. This lead to her "getting me back" by grabbing the car keys and leaving, I had plans for this evening (picking up my bike) so followed her to the front door, went to grab the keys out of her hand but she snatched her hand away, opened the front door and half stepped out. So i closed the front door and told her not to bother coming back. She then shouted through the letter box and my eldest then opened the front door. she then called the police and accused me of assault, i thought she was making it up but the police did turn up 20 minutes later just after i finished bathing the kids. While waiting for the police she was shouting "daddy has to learn he cant assault people", the kids were devasted, they thought I was going to jail. I tried to re-assure them that nothing like that was going to happen, they told me that they hated mummy and didnt love her anymore, the w heard and was upset just as the police arrived. So i spoke to them and explained the situation, they checked the kids were ok and asked me to leave the house for 12 hours, I agreed to the cooling off as I didnt want to be arrested etc. I took a few things and the car (which I then backed into a neighbours car while reversing out of the drive - that will **** up her premuim) and went to stay at my parents.

 

13/5/11 08:00 came back home and we spoke for about 30 minutes. She will be leaving the house probably next weekend and will take the kids with her. Not sure what to do for the best now, will have a good think about things.

[robf1971]

12/05/11 19:30 she then called the police and accused me of assault, .

 

Yep IMO you screwed it up by trying to grab the car keys back, you should have just let her go. As for the police, they aren't stupid, they know damn well what was going on.

 

All this talking about who is taking the kids, HAS to be done LEGALLY through the SOLICITORS if she leaves and takes the kids without your permission you can ring the police.

 

Anytime she tells you she's going to take the kids away, document it and call your solicitor.