Is it over?

[worlybear]

Jaymz,

Any p***k can make a baby - but it takes a man to be a father!!

Hang in there- you're kids need you!

[jaymz]

When she told me I didn't know what to say but as I had been keeping our conversations business like for so long I just said "ok, anything else?"...

 

Not really sure what to make of it. a few things make sense now so I guess she is around 3 months gone.

 

I texted scumbag's wife to see what she thought, she didn't know!!!

[Steen719]

Jay,

I imagine no matter that it has been a while or that you have been moving forward, I'm sure that hurts.

 

Jaymz,

Any p***k can make a baby - but it takes a man to be a father!!

Hang in there- you're kids need you!

 

This is sure true. I have forgotten...does the scumbag have kids?

 

The roller coaster slows down, but still there are some ups and downs, right? I always remind myself that once my mind has time to process the newest thing that happens, I get over it.

 

Hugs, Jay

[jaymz]

Yep, three daughters, 11, 4 & 3

 

I don't feel as bad as if I had heard this maybe a year ago, now I kinda knew she would get pregnant by him. Just two things annoy me 1) She had 3 c-sections with our kids and was totally against having a 4th as it was "too high risk for her and our family" 2) I always wanted 4 kids, and now she is having that but with someone else.

 

It irks me but I am not upset by it. In some ways I feel sorry for him, maybe we will end up as friends when STBXW moves on to someone else and me & scumbag are just a meal ticket.... :-)

[so_difficult]

Jaymz I just spent this entire day reading through your entire thread. (Partly while I was at work!)

 

Cannot believe the things your xw has done, esp with respect to the children. One of the reasons I've stayed with my h for so long is that when I told him I was leaving once he immediately grabbed the kids and told them, drunkenly, that their mom was leaving. I had sudden terrifying knowledge that he would be using them as pawns and decided to stay to prevent that. I'll never know whether it was the right decision but I have to say I"m soooo impressed with how you've handled everything.

 

I agree completely with those who have said your kids will always love you and respect you for a) the fact that you gave them real love, affection and happy times together instead of just buying them things and b) not ranting at them about your xw. I have no doubt that you will one day, when you're ready, meet a wonderful woman who treats you as you deserve. And your kids are lucky to have such a great dad.

 

Too bad the laws in UK are still so backward. Here in Canada these days males have a much better chance of getting at least joint custody and whatever debts predate the breakup are assumed to be 50/50. Unfortunately I'm also responsible for supporting my h because he doesn't like to earn a living, and that is a really tough situation that makes leaving very tough. But I guess you know all about that.

[Steen719]

Yep, three daughters, 11, 4 & 3

 

I don't feel as bad as if I had heard this maybe a year ago, now I kinda knew she would get pregnant by him. Just two things annoy me 1) She had 3 c-sections with our kids and was totally against having a 4th as it was "too high risk for her and our family" 2) I always wanted 4 kids, and now she is having that but with someone else.

 

It irks me but I am not upset by it. In some ways I feel sorry for him, maybe we will end up as friends when STBXW moves on to someone else and me & scumbag are just a meal ticket.... :-)

 

I am very glad for you for that, Jay. Tells me (and you too ) that you are indeed moving on. Good.

[Hopefulandinlove]

I texted scumbag's wife to see what she thought, she didn't know!!!

 

 

What's happening with them? Are they separated?

 

I'm glad to see how well you handled yourself when she told you the news. Crap news to hear no matter how much youre over them.

[Viv]

Hi Jaymz

 

I don't really have anything useful to say, just that I've been reading your thread for almost a year now (since my husband left me) and I guess I wanted to thank you for writing about what has happened. The way you deal with such a difficult STBXW is incredible, and your story helps to restore my faith in men (rationally I know that both sexes are as good and as bad as each other, but it's easy to forget when you're hurting!).

 

And congrats on the run!

 

Viv

[jaymz]

Jaymz I just spent this entire day reading through your entire thread. (Partly while I was at work!)

 

Wow, its a monster read! Its been nearly 18 months now, I post less than I used to as things are slowly getting more settled and a lot less drama!

 

Cannot believe the things your xw has done, esp with respect to the children. One of the reasons I've stayed with my h for so long is that when I told him I was leaving once he immediately grabbed the kids and told them, drunkenly, that their mom was leaving. I had sudden terrifying knowledge that he would be using them as pawns and decided to stay to prevent that. I'll never know whether it was the right decision but I have to say I"m soooo impressed with how you've handled everything.

 

Using kids as pawns is just so low. I have been tempted on so many occasions to do just that but listening to advise on these boards, all say don't! I am quite happy to "lose" battles but "win" the war! Cant go wrong by doing the right thing i guess!

 

I agree completely with those who have said your kids will always love you and respect you for a) the fact that you gave them real love, affection and happy times together instead of just buying them things and b) not ranting at them about your xw. I have no doubt that you will one day, when you're ready, meet a wonderful woman who treats you as you deserve. And your kids are lucky to have such a great dad.

 

I hope so. I really enjoy my time with the kids, we try and pack as much "us" time in as possible. Who knows about another woman yet, not really trying as I am not complete with myself, hopefully one day

 

Too bad the laws in UK are still so backward. Here in Canada these days males have a much better chance of getting at least joint custody and whatever debts predate the breakup are assumed to be 50/50. Unfortunately I'm also responsible for supporting my h because he doesn't like to earn a living, and that is a really tough situation that makes leaving very tough. But I guess you know all about that.

 

Things are slowly changing here, there are pressure groups setup which are forcing the government to at least look at these. Some great proposals coming through where if one spouse does disobey court orders, lies or generally makes things difficult; they face fines and prison sentences - should take the edge off an already traumatic time and help calm things down.

 

Things are tough. I found having great legal advise, friends & family to lean heavily on, just counting to 10 before saying anything and just dealing with one thing at a time has greatly helped. Wish you a speedy resoloution to your situation.

[jaymz]

I am very glad for you for that, Jay. Tells me (and you too ) that you are indeed moving on. Good.

 

Shocked but not surprised. A lot of odd things now make sense.

 

Funny thing is, everyone I have told is not surprised either and have said the same thing its "a teenagers answer to a broken and untrustworthy relationship"

[jaymz]

What's happening with them? Are they separated?

 

I'm glad to see how well you handled yourself when she told you the news. Crap news to hear no matter how much youre over them.

 

Yep, they separated once I told the wife what was happening.

 

Its been a while, treating every encounter/text/phone call as a business transaction has really really helped. Sometimes old habits die hard but need to be broken.

[jaymz]

Hi Jaymz

 

I don't really have anything useful to say, just that I've been reading your thread for almost a year now (since my husband left me) and I guess I wanted to thank you for writing about what has happened. The way you deal with such a difficult STBXW is incredible, and your story helps to restore my faith in men (rationally I know that both sexes are as good and as bad as each other, but it's easy to forget when you're hurting!).

 

And congrats on the run!

 

Viv

 

Thanks! It is way too easy to fall into the "opposite sex sucks trap". I have been very conscious to try and still be me, and also its important to get myself back to normal 100% so when I am truly ready for another relationship, I wont have certain issues haunting it from the start, like trust!

[jaymz]

Not sure what to make of scumbags wife...

 

I texted her the friday to see what she thought, she didn't know! and had called or text him to find out what was going on. She then text me to ask how far gone, i replied "putting 2+2 together, 3 months. I am shocked but not surprised". No reply from her since. I sent a couple of "are you ok?" text on Saturday and Sunday but still no reply...

[Steen719]

Not sure what to make of scumbags wife...

 

I texted her the friday to see what she thought, she didn't know! and had called or text him to find out what was going on. She then text me to ask how far gone, i replied "putting 2+2 together, 3 months. I am shocked but not surprised". No reply from her since. I sent a couple of "are you ok?" text on Saturday and Sunday but still no reply...

 

She may be in pain from the news, you know, even though he is gone and with your XW. Some things are hard to take, despite the circumstances. For example, I knew XH was with someone, accepted it..blah blah, but when I found out she was staying some in my house, it refreshed the pain. It still bothers me, but less now. Maybe the scumbag's W is experiencing some refreshing of her pain and will ultimately answer you.

 

Always something, right? I was talking with a friend today who has been divorced from her X for years. She has been in a relationship with someone else for the last 10 years. We were talking about the far reaching effects of divorces; children, finances, effects on other relationships, etc. It seems all we can do is get past it the best we can and go forward with the best attitude we can muster.

[jaymz]

She may be in pain from the news, you know, even though he is gone and with your XW. Some things are hard to take, despite the circumstances. For example, I knew XH was with someone, accepted it..blah blah, but when I found out she was staying some in my house, it refreshed the pain. It still bothers me, but less now. Maybe the scumbag's W is experiencing some refreshing of her pain and will ultimately answer you.

 

Always something, right? I was talking with a friend today who has been divorced from her X for years. She has been in a relationship with someone else for the last 10 years. We were talking about the far reaching effects of divorces; children, finances, effects on other relationships, etc. It seems all we can do is get past it the best we can and go forward with the best attitude we can muster.

 

I dont know. maybe she was expecting me to say they had broken up!

 

Lesson learnt. wont bother with her again.

[jaymz]

Took kids back Sunday evening after a fantastic weekend with them.

 

STBXW wants a detailed itinery of where I am taking them on holiday. I told her where and said she can call my mobile if she has an emergency. That wasn't good enough! I told her no and walked away. My eldest came to the door when he heard her saying I cant have the kids any more, he was begging with her, telling her we are going to France and he wants to go, she just said tough.

 

Tonight I call kids to speak to them. She tells me she has spoken to her lawyer and she has the right to know where I am going. I tell her again where I am going and ask to speak to kids. She refuses as I dont give her an itinery and hangs up.

 

I call back. scumbag answers, calls me a "pr*ck" and tells me to "shut the f*ck up" as I wont be talking to my kids, then hangs up.

 

I call again, she answers and tells me that everything is my fault and she has the right to not let me see or speak to my kids.

 

MY PHONE RECORDS ALL THE CONVERSATIONS!!!!!!!

[dreamingoftigers]

took kids back sunday evening after a fantastic weekend with them.

 

Stbxw wants a detailed itinery of where i am taking them on holiday. I told her where and said she can call my mobile if she has an emergency. That wasn't good enough! I told her no and walked away. My eldest came to the door when he heard her saying i cant have the kids any more, he was begging with her, telling her we are going to france and he wants to go, she just said tough.

 

Tonight i call kids to speak to them. She tells me she has spoken to her lawyer and she has the right to know where i am going. I tell her again where i am going and ask to speak to kids. She refuses as i dont give her an itinery and hangs up.

 

I call back. Scumbag answers, calls me a "pr*ck" and tells me to "shut the f*ck up" as i wont be talking to my kids, then hangs up.

 

I call again, she answers and tells me that everything is my fault and she has the right to not let me see or speak to my kids.

 

My phone records all the conversations!!!!!!!

 

victory!!!!

[jaymz]

Cant get hold of my solicitor today so not sure if I can try calling again this evening to speak to my kids.

 

Want to be careful I am not "harrasing" the STBXW.

 

FML

[andyg99]

Took kids back Sunday evening after a fantastic weekend with them.

 

STBXW wants a detailed itinery of where I am taking them on holiday. I told her where and said she can call my mobile if she has an emergency. That wasn't good enough! I told her no and walked away. My eldest came to the door when he heard her saying I cant have the kids any more, he was begging with her, telling her we are going to France and he wants to go, she just said tough.

 

Tonight I call kids to speak to them. She tells me she has spoken to her lawyer and she has the right to know where I am going. I tell her again where I am going and ask to speak to kids. She refuses as I dont give her an itinery and hangs up.

 

I call back. scumbag answers, calls me a "pr*ck" and tells me to "shut the f*ck up" as I wont be talking to my kids, then hangs up.

 

I call again, she answers and tells me that everything is my fault and she has the right to not let me see or speak to my kids.

 

MY PHONE RECORDS ALL THE CONVERSATIONS!!!!!!!

 

at a minimum she should know

 

a - any flight information

b - hotel information

 

as long as she knows that then I don't see what her problem is...

[jaymz]

at a minimum she should know

 

a - any flight information

b - hotel information

 

as long as she knows that then I don't see what her problem is...

 

I have told her that's what she is getting - though I dint get anything for the last two holidays that she went on with the kids... - but its not good enough!

[jaymz]

My parents told me they overheard a conversation between my STBXW and my eldest...

 

STBXW: Going to Normandy sounds really boring.

Eldest: I cant wait to go, it wont be boring, it will be an honour.

 

STBXW then changed the conversation...!

[jaymz]

Received two solictiors letters about a day apart.

 

STBXW still playing silly buggers with getting the finances sorted. Her last letter did say "I hope you client will engage with the mediation services this time". I had to laugh, I have been trying to setup a meeting since February, sent countless letters arranging a convenient time only for her to refuse to attend at the last minute, then change her mind and want mediation, then refuse to tell me which mediation service she wants to use and then accuses me of not using the service she didnt tell me about! :lmao:

 

As I am controlling the mediation now, hopefully meet and get resolved soon.

 

She is now getting an updated figure for some of the loans as they have gone passed their valid redemption date. Still not confirmed if they can be paid off. fun

[jaymz]

Called to speak to kids on Sunday eve.

 

STBXW gives phone straight to my eldest who then says "mummy wants to know this about the holiday otherwise we cant go". I told him I had called to speak to him and mummy can talk to me later. The phone is on speaker, she tells me that unless I tell her want she wants, I will be disappointing the children as they wont be allowed to go, as I start to answer she accuses me of lying in front of the children...!

 

I told her that's not true and to put the kids back on and I can talk to her later if she wants. Eventually I get to talk to them all, but the phone is on speaker and all three have been primed to ask me questions. I answer some but ask each of them in return where in particular they wanted to go and see things. It was very sad to see them used this way.

 

I played an online game with my eldest later in the evening. He told me that STBXW had told them to ask questions otherwise they couldnt go and they all wanted to go. He also told me that STBXW always puts the phone on speaker and listens to our conversations...

[jwi71]

Sorry you are still dealing with this crap. It does, in time, get better.

 

My xWW also pulled some of the same crap. still does but it's a 1000% better now.

 

Here's my advice/support:

 

Stop talking to her. Period. If there is something to be said she can tell it to your lawyer. I had to take that route and it's quite effective. Record all incoming calls and if/when she calls tell her to "contact my lawyer" and give her the contact number. Then hang up. Literally say nothing to her - that might be the best and quickest to normalize things. By the same token, if you need to communicate with the her, have your lawyer send a letter.

 

Regarding the kids the only thing you have to do is nothing. Hard as it is, you keep being you. If the trip to Normandy is good for the kids and she provides reasonable itinerary then I would allow it. Do NOT play tit-for-tat and use her sabotage of your trip as causis belli. In time, her behavior (and her partners) will alienate and drive the kids from her. As horrible as that is (and it is) all you can do is be receptive when it happens.

 

Therapy for you and the kids.

 

Accept that while she uses the kids as tool and weapon she does still love them. It is, for now, clouded by her feelings for you - none of which are good. Weather the storm. If her behavior, in your lawyers opinion, presents good opportunity to grant you full/primary custody - do it. If not, accept it.

 

You're doing well. Keep plugging along one step at a time.

 

You'll get there

 

And, as warning, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Just wait till she finds out you got a new GF/f_ck buddy. Lemme tell ya, she'll go positively apeshyte. Be prepared.

[satyr]

Id have to absolutely agree with PegNosePete....shez over dude

The entire fact she herself sayin shez confused about lovin u explains all

don wanna generalize but honestly women seem to be more unstable when they r asked to handle their own load of emotions...which is what makes them more confused and sometimes misguided too..

And since urs is a vry long term relationship...any problems now would adversly effect ur children which isnt a gud tin

go for counseling and try to get her to sensible terms..

best of luck