standtall Posted October 15, 2012 Share Posted October 15, 2012 (edited) Jay..I agree with yaz. You're feeding this woman with situations where she can manipulate you..of course at your children's expense. Do whatever it takes to remove what power she has left. To start, take nothing from her, nor grant nothing to her. If she asks you if you want the old flat screen TV, extra game tickets for you and the kids, whatever, do not take it..act like she is a total stranger..no favors no nothing. Make the assumption that everything she offers, takes, talks to you about, whatever, has strings attached and will be used against you. This thread is long enough that you should be getting this by now... Edited October 15, 2012 by standtall Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Update: My solicitor has started the ancillary relief process to take my STBXW to court to sort out the finances. A few days later, the STBXW agrees to mediation! So I now have the 15th of November to see her for 2 hours to see if we can sort this out. I didn't think she would agree to it but I guess the threat of court and her dropping her solicitor has changed her mind... Its my birthday today. The STBXW called me so the kids can wish me happy birthday, I missed the call as I am at work.. so she sends the usual text about me being a bad father, all the kids want to do is call me and wish me happy birthday, out of sight out of mind, usual cr*p. I call her back 10 minutes after, and listen to the kids singing away! lovely! The middle child gets upset and wants to know why I haven't seen them on my birthday and starts to blame the STBXW. of course instead of defusing the situation, she tells him that daddy doesn't want to see them! He gets more upset, she then starts to rile him up, telling him that i don't want to see them and he should ask me why i don't want to see them! How can you explain to a 7 year old that I am at work as I cant book time off as a colleague is off going to counselling as his brother died in his sleep. Also the STBXW has blocked every attempt over the last few weeks for me to have them after school as, "I am not allowed them when its her time". So I tell him that I will call him wednesday evening and will see them this friday, she tells him "that gives daddy 2 days to come up with a really good excuse", then hangs up on me... Its her birthday this Saturday and she is not seeing the kids then, nor has she asked to have them. Shall I tell them the same thing as she did???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Thanks for the suggestions guys. I try to minimize contact with her as much as possible but as she is so controlling, its hard. She controls the phone: So i have given the kids skype on their PC and imessage on their iPods. She regularly takes the iPod away to read the messages and ban the kids from using it. She bans them from using Skype. She keeps the mobile on speaker so she can hear the conversation and then come out with her verbal poison. Contact when picking up/dropping off the kids: They are still too young for me to stay in the car as they come out/go in, but its something I will try to do more as I think its a good way to minimize contact with her. She seems to be getting much worse now. The thread is long, sometimes I am slow to get things other times I believe too much in good human nature and keep getting ambushed by her, but also these situations are new or constantly evolving and sometimes I need to know that I am on the right track. It is really, really hard. Today is a crap day. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 God, she is a monster. Who does that to their own children? She is hurting them intentionally. Don't stoop, Jay. You be the better person. Really, the kids will remember that. I may have told you this, but I can't remember, so I will repeat it. My brother's ex-wife was an alcoholic. It was so sad. She was a really good mother early on, but after their divorce, she got involved with a good for nothing creep. Anywayyyyyy, my brother sued for custody and got it. S-i-l's father testified that my brother should get the kids and I know that had to be hard for him. Her mother bad-mouthed my brother for years as did their mother. In the end, one of his sons, the oldest, told his g'mother to stop talking about his dad. My brother never talked bad about their mother to the boys. They loved her, but did not have a stable relationship with her. When my brother went through periods of having no money, he sent the boys baked goods he made himself (before the divorce). You better believe that each one of these young men understand just what their dad did for them. They love him, they appreciate him, they bought he and his wife a wonderful vacation for their anniversary and they thank him for his stability and love. The oldest told me not too long ago that he always knew his dad loved them since he sent those baked goods. Long story - sorry, but I didn't know how to shorten it. You be the better person. Your kids will know it. Call her on her birthday and let the kids sing and tell them you know she loves them, too. You are a good person and she cannot change that. Happy birthday, Jay. Celebrate your life. You are very important to your kids and they will always love you. The hell with her. Link to post Share on other sites
paradigm shift Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 (((jaymz))) Heart goes out to you. Everyone here is right, you have to minimize contact, even if it means staying in the car or designating (at the mediator's) a place where you can drop off and pick up the kids. Stay strong, don't stoop to that level, no matter how crazy it gets. If you have a recorder on your phone, maybe tape the things she says? If she heard herself in the mediator's presence, maybe it would bring a new level of awareness? On another note, your STBXW is not happy with who she is and is taking it out on you. She is bitter and angry and full of resentment. I am not, in any way, condoning her actions, but since various scenarios of "ya , your dad doesn't love me anymore and really doesn't want to do the whole marriage/husband/dad thing" plays out in my head sometimes, I do understand her position. I just wish for your sake, the kids' sake and eventually hers, she gets to a better place real fast... Happy Birthday J . Make it your Birth Day PS Link to post Share on other sites
TheBell Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I've only recently registered but I first read your posts months ago and have dipped in to see how you doing in and off. It gave me perspective on my situation in the early days. Just wanted to say I think you have done really well considering what you have had to go through. I won't pass comment on your ex but I admire your ability to be stay strong for your kids Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Quick update: 1. Received letter from solicitor, the STBXW has re-engaged them and that their client hopes that everything can be resolved via mediation. 2. As I was reading the letter, the STBXW texts me, she wants the kids for an hour on her birthday this Saturday around 11. Problem is I have already booked something for us to do in the morning and the afternoon. Not sure what to reply to her. Am tempted to say its too short notice as I already have plans for them. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 J..wow..if what you say is true, then your ex is severely emotionally abusing your children. Now it sounds like you a child protection issue....where the courts may or may not help. I don't know..it sounds like you have an extreme issue here that needs some extreme ideas. Here are some... take your pick since they all suck. 1. The current way...fight her every time you deal with them and her in time/parenting issues, and she hurts them emotionally. 2. Get them some psychiatric support and involve the courts..slow put maybe the only legal way. 3. Check out until they are older so she cannot hurt them that way emotionally..this has a risk of her hurting them anyway with or without you there. 3. Take them out of the country. I wonder if OP's have any other ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 jaymz- I would recommend that your children get court-mandated psych evaluations. your ex is doing considerable emotional damage to them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted October 24, 2012 Author Share Posted October 24, 2012 Called kids tonight as I promised I would. A suspected the STBXW ambushed me with the kids, demanding that they see STBXW on her birthday. I explained to them that I already had things planned but she wasn't haven't any of that and started to go on about how she texted me yesterday and she wants to see them on her birthday while I didn't etc. The kids asked over and over again, they obviously wanted a yes from me. Eventually I said that if she wants a decision tonight then its a no as this is my time with you guys and I already have things planned. Didn't go down to well with the kids... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted October 26, 2012 Author Share Posted October 26, 2012 Just got a text from STBXW. She essentially wants to be civil but if i don't agree to her terms then I cant have the kids for extra days (had asked to take the boys to their first football match) and, according to her, the kids are not sure they even want to see me this weekend... Link to post Share on other sites
RAN65 Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Just got a text from STBXW. She essentially wants to be civil but if i don't agree to her terms then I cant have the kids for extra days (had asked to take the boys to their first football match) and, according to her, the kids are not sure they even want to see me this weekend... How is it going, Updates if any ? Link to post Share on other sites
ilou Posted October 30, 2012 Share Posted October 30, 2012 It is 3:43 AM here in Hawaii. I started at 3 yesterday afternoon. My heart goes out to you. As serious and depressing this topic is I must admit I'm glad to see you making progress (whether big or small is relative). Many have been following your thread and watching you tackle on such obstacles which reminds me of "The Truman Show" or "Ed TV. Too bad I finally came to the end of this ongoing thread. I feel like I just caught up with all 9 episodes of Grey's Anatomy. I am drained! I wish you the best! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted October 31, 2012 Share Posted October 31, 2012 Just got a text from STBXW. She essentially wants to be civil but if i don't agree to her terms then I cant have the kids for extra days (had asked to take the boys to their first football match) and, according to her, the kids are not sure they even want to see me this weekend... Don't answer any of these texts.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted November 1, 2012 Share Posted November 1, 2012 Don't answer any of these texts.. Agreed. She's a sick woman, doing anything for attention, doing anything to screw with your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 Apologies for not updating for a while, I haven't been getting reply notifications plus I have been off for a week. I picked the kids up on the Friday 2nd November. STBXW just said that she has already told the eldest he cant go to the football match. I told her that was her decision and left with my daughter... I picked the boys up from their kids school disco. We had a great weekend. I took the boys to a local DIY store and we made "Halloween stop here" signs and a wooden Halloween themed magazine rack. In the afternoon i spent some time with my daughter and we made a small jewelry box and decorated with glass, paint and glitter. All the kids thought it was great and gave the stuff they made to STBXW as birthday gifts. In the afternoon I took them to see the new film Madagascar 3 with the next door neighbour and her daughter. Sunday I left early to go on a weeks holiday with friends. My parents dropped the kids off for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 Totally off-topic, but I didn't know that you had Halloween in the UK. I thought you just had Guy Fawkes/bonfire day. Apologies for not updating for a while, I haven't been getting reply notifications plus I have been off for a week. I picked the kids up on the Friday 2nd November. STBXW just said that she has already told the eldest he cant go to the football match. I told her that was her decision and left with my daughter... I picked the boys up from their kids school disco. We had a great weekend. I took the boys to a local DIY store and we made "Halloween stop here" signs and a wooden Halloween themed magazine rack. In the afternoon i spent some time with my daughter and we made a small jewelry box and decorated with glass, paint and glitter. All the kids thought it was great and gave the stuff they made to STBXW as birthday gifts. In the afternoon I took them to see the new film Madagascar 3 with the next door neighbour and her daughter. Sunday I left early to go on a weeks holiday with friends. My parents dropped the kids off for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 Went on a weeks break. Called the kids and they were away to Disney Land Paris. The STBXW text me the night before they left, with hardly any details as she "didn't want me to spoil the surprise". Bitch. Will remind her what her obligation is. During the phone calls, she was listening in and telling the kids to tell me how much they were loving Disney land etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 Picked the kids up and their PC's this Friday - She told me I would have to wait and shut the front door in my face, had to wait 10 minutes for her to get the kids ready etc. Bitch! Was going to leave the kids PC's behind and tell her she can sort them... Great weekend with kids, bit quieter due to rain but still doing lots of indoors things like games, drawings, paintings etc. Their cousin stayed over, my mum babysit so we could go out Saturday evening to celebrate my dads birthday. Did manage to get out down the park for a few hours on the Sunday. Dropped the kids off and they didn't want to go in again. The youngest two did eventually but the eldest didn't. I spoke to him to try and persuade him but he wasn't going to budge without being forced out. STBXW came over with scumbag, she starts to ask whats the matter, then tells him he has to get out as she doesn't have time for this etc. He refuses, so scumbag asks him what the matter is, then she says that he can stay at mine for another night as long as I take him to school. I said OK. We wait for STBXW to collect his school stuff, he is really happy and as surprised as I am that STBXW let him stay for another night. He goes to the door to ensure he has all stuff he needs. 10 minutes later I go to the door as he is taking a really long time. The youngest two coming running over and want a hug, she screams at them "your not going either!". The oldest is visible upset, tells everyone that he is sorry (her parents are around again), then trudges to the door. Scumbag tells him that if he changes his mind, daddy will drop him back home. I usher him out and ask him what is wrong, he says "mummy said i was an ungrateful little sod!" and had spent 10 minutes having a go at him. unbelievable! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 On the way back she texts me to say that I need to finish his homework, bath him and give him some money for school dinners, she also tells me to tell him she loves him. I get a call 10 minutes later, she has forgotten to pack him a school shirt, I tell her to drop one off, she says she cant as she is going out tonight and doesn't have a car.... I get a text 5 minutes later saying I can pick one up from her place when my eldest has gone to bed. I get another text 5 minutes later accusing me of neglecting my daughter as she is sore "down below" as I haven't bathed her or wiped her bum properly all weekend and she is "not going to have her or any of them treated like this anymore". I ignore her texts. He goes to bed in my rugby undergarments as she hasn't packed pajamas for him, they are the smallest clothes I have. He is really pleased to be wearing them. My parents drop my eldest of at 8am at her house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted November 12, 2012 Author Share Posted November 12, 2012 Totally off-topic, but I didn't know that you had Halloween in the UK. I thought you just had Guy Fawkes/bonfire day. Had it for a while now. gets bigger each year 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted November 12, 2012 Share Posted November 12, 2012 I don't like her and I don't even know her. What a bitc*. How can she treat her kids (or anyone's, for that matter) that way? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted November 13, 2012 Share Posted November 13, 2012 The youngest two did eventually but the eldest didn't. I spoke to him to try and persuade him but he wasn't going to budge without being forced out. STBXW came over with scumbag, she starts to ask whats the matter, then tells him he has to get out as she doesn't have time for this etc. He refuses, so scumbag asks him what the matter is, then she says that he can stay at mine for another night as long as I take him to school. I said OK. Be prepared..the children are going to use this tactic every time now..if it gets you more time, then so be it, but it will create more drama with your ex Link to post Share on other sites
Author jaymz Posted November 14, 2012 Author Share Posted November 14, 2012 thanks guys. I tried to make it very clear to the eldest that this is a one off. I did tell him he was very brave and did he make the right decision? he said yes and smiled. Never seen him so happy Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted November 15, 2012 Share Posted November 15, 2012 - She told me I would have to wait and shut the front door in my face, had to wait 10 minutes for her to get the kids ready etc. Bitch! Was going to leave the kids PC's behind and tell her she can sort them... Great weekend with kids, bit quieter due to rain but still doing lots of indoors things like games, drawings, paintings etc. Their cousin stayed over, my mum babysit so we could go out Saturday evening to celebrate my dads birthday. Did manage to get out down the park for a few hours on the Sunday. Dropped the kids off and they didn't want to go in again. The youngest two did eventually but the eldest didn't. I spoke to him to try and persuade him but he wasn't going to budge without being forced out. STBXW came over with scumbag, she starts to ask whats the matter, then tells him he has to get out as she doesn't have time for this etc. He refuses, so scumbag asks him what the matter is, then she says that he can stay at mine for another night as long as I take him to school. I said OK. We wait for STBXW to collect his school stuff, he is really happy and as surprised as I am that STBXW let him stay for another night. He goes to the door to ensure he has all stuff he needs. 10 minutes later I go to the door as he is taking a really long time. The youngest two coming running over and want a hug, she screams at them "your not going either!". The oldest is visible upset, tells everyone that he is sorry (her parents are around again), then trudges to the door. Scumbag tells him that if he changes his mind, daddy will drop him back home. I usher him out and ask him what is wrong, he says "mummy said i was an ungrateful little sod!" and had spent 10 minutes having a go at him. unbelievable! Jaymz You're being way too much of a nice guy.... Link to post Share on other sites
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