Is it over?

[trippi1432]

Jaymz never said he wasn't wiling 2Sunny, he's done nothing wrong here.

 

Jaymz, just as you are documenting here, document those times as well. Not photos, your mom as a witness, she should be willing to help and is there. Four year olds can have bad hygiene but should not be coming to you in that condition.

 

You do need to pay particular interest in this situation for a variety of reasons.

[jaymz]

Had a long conversation with the police duty officer. Essentially he will call the STBXW to get more details and also contact social care as well, so this is logged with all interested parties.

 

For scumbag smacking the kids, while it is technically assault, he lives with the mother and has her permission and is using "reasonable" force, there is nothing I can do about it. As its now logged with social care, the school is notified as well to keep an eye out for the kids having injuries.

 

If he threatens me again or the kids, I can only call the police that will arrive quickly and assess the situation there and then.

 

At this stage, all that's happening is the incidents being logged so I can prove that she or scumbag are proving detrimental to the kids welfare. In the UK, social care, police, courts etc will side with the mother as it is given that she will not put her child in any danger. So I have to prove otherwise.

[jaymz]

Each and EVERY time her guy raises his voice or lays a hand on the kids= they need to call the police!

 

EVERY TIME!!!

 

They have been told that now and to let me know.

 

And if you aren't willing to get them 100% of the time - that's just wrong!

 

I am willing but unless its court decided or I can prove beyond doubt the kids are being harmed, its called kidnapping.

You need to use this I of to get your kids into a safe place - which includes AWAY from their mom and her boyfriend!

 

To do anything less is ALLOWING it!

 

I agree. I am trying to do everything I can!

[jaymz]

Jaymz never said he wasn't wiling 2Sunny, he's done nothing wrong here.

 

Jaymz, just as you are documenting here, document those times as well. Not photos, your mom as a witness, she should be willing to help and is there. Four year olds can have bad hygiene but should not be coming to you in that condition.

 

You do need to pay particular interest in this situation for a variety of reasons.

 

I document everything, record phone conversations and have a VAR.

 

My mum has checked her and on the odd occasion she has turned up with being sore, she is not uncomfortable with it and its not anything really bad, the STBXW is just greatly exaggerating it because I believe she doesnt want to have to bath them after i drop them off. After speaking to the kids, the STBXW doesn't bath them everyday anyway...

[2sunny]

Tell your kids to also call the police... That should be something they can do when he harms them.

[standtall]

Tell your kids to also call the police... That should be something they can do when he harms them.

 

Think carefully on this one...very hard to prove, and it is just more trauma for the kids.

[2sunny]

Think carefully on this one...very hard to prove, and it is just more trauma for the kids.

 

No it's not. It shows them evidence that they CAN DO SOMETHING to protect themselves.

 

Shows a trail of Moms boyfriends bad behavior - and that Mom isn't willing to change things to keep her kids safe.

 

It's important for kids to understand how to take action to get help.

[Mystery2Me]

Jaymz,

 

Spent quite a bit of time reading your experience, and I must say you are just amazing and have shone such courage and resolve. You have been thru the wars and are to be congratulated the unwavering dedication to your children, in spite of horrible smear campaign by STBXW.

 

I am praying for you and the little ones to be delivered from this mess. Please know that you are brilliant, a real man, and dear father. Happiness it surely coming your way, take care of yourself.

[standtall]

No it's not. It shows them evidence that they CAN DO SOMETHING to protect themselves.

 

Shows a trail of Moms boyfriends bad behavior - and that Mom isn't willing to change things to keep her kids safe.

 

It's important for kids to understand how to take action to get help.

 

 

 

I don't know the ages of Jays kid's, but I think their pretty young, so their testimony without any other evidence doesn't go very far in court....hence hard to prove...my statement stands.

Edited December 29, 2012 by standtall

[jaymz]

I don't know the ages of Jays kid's, but I think their pretty young, so their testimony without any other evidence doesn't go very far in court....hence hard to prove...my statement stands.

 

Thanks all for feedback, its difficult to get the right balance I feel.

 

They are young, 4, 7 & 9. I decided to leave it as they tell me when it happens and I will then speak to STBXW or scumbag.

[jaymz]

Had a great time with the kids. My youngest woke up Saturday morning being sick so I texted the STBXW to let her know. She called back to see how bad our daughter was.

 

She later texted me to ask if I would keep my daughter until 10pm as she was taking the kids to a pantomime and didn't want them to miss out. I agreed to it.

 

The only reason I did was because:

a) The two boys had already asked me.

b) I had my daughter for another 7 hours, just the two of us, snuggled on sofa watching cartoons and films.

c) It proves that the STBXW has no issue with me having the kids and that I am flexible.

 

I didn't tell the STBXW the reasons though... passive aggressive?

 

Was I a doormat for looking after my daughter rather than letting the STBXW stay at home instead? The reality is that one of her, scumbag or her parents would have had to stay behind.

Edited January 2, 2013 by jaymz

[jaymz]

Jaymz,

 

Spent quite a bit of time reading your experience, and I must say you are just amazing and have shone such courage and resolve. You have been thru the wars and are to be congratulated the unwavering dedication to your children, in spite of horrible smear campaign by STBXW.

 

I am praying for you and the little ones to be delivered from this mess. Please know that you are brilliant, a real man, and dear father. Happiness it surely coming your way, take care of yourself.

 

Thank you very much. Hopefully 2013 will prove a much better year and I can finally start to get my own life back to normal!

[BetrayedH]

Had a great time with the kids. My youngest woke up Saturday morning being sick so I texted the STBXW to let her know. She called back to see how bad our daughter was.

 

She later texted me to ask if I would keep my daughter until 10pm as she was taking the kids to a pantomime and didn't want them to miss out. I agreed to it.

 

The only reason I did was because:

a) The two boys had already asked me.

b) I had my daughter for another 7 hours, just the two of us, snuggled on sofa watching cartoons and films.

c) It proves that the STBXW has no issue with me having the kids and that I am flexible.

 

I didn't tell the STBXW the reasons though... passive aggressive?

 

Was I a doormat for looking after my daughter rather than letting the STBXW stay at home instead? The reality is that one of her, scumbag or her parents would have had to stay behind.

 

You did fine. Having custody of your kids as often as possible is a good thing. More custody and flexibility on your part sets a good precedent. That has little, if anything, to do with your STBX. And as you detach more, she will matter less and less in the equation.

 

Ona side note, my divorce was anything but amicable but we still help each other out from time to time. Doesn't make me a doormat.

[smog]

Hey Jaymz,

 

This thread really interests me as it has been going so long now. It gives a sense of how you have developed over the period of the breakup.

 

Can I ask you though how you feel now? Do you still long for your ex and miss her or wish you were back together?

 

The reason I ask is that I am 3 months seperated,my wife left me and I think has started a relationship with her personal trainer though I don't know this for sure. I've been through a ton of emotional grief and still do on days. My biggest fear is that I won't meet anyone else again a least anyone I'm attracted to, did you feel like this and how have things changed for you over the past year, is it a year?

[robf1971]

as he has a high pitched voice .

 

 

 

Ha ha Jaymz, you have a way with words,

 

Happy new year!!

[robf1971]

At this stage, all that's happening is the incidents being logged so I can prove that she or scumbag are proving detrimental to the kids welfare. In the UK, social care, police, courts etc will side with the mother as it is given that she will not put her child in any danger. So I have to prove otherwise.

 

 

This is very good that the incidents are being logged, the police can't just bust in to your ex's house with zero evidence. However, if this turns out to be a regular occurence (hopefully not) and the school see's any evidence of injuries, that is when social services and the police will be all over your STBX and her Boyfriend like a rash, and he will likely be looking at a serious spell in prison.

 

As for always siding with the mother in the UK, that is untrue, I know someone who lost custody of her son with the father getting 100%.

 

Also next time your wife speaks to you like that, just politely say ' until you can speak to me in a civil and polite manner this conversation is over and walk away. Do this enough times and she will realise that that is the only way that she will be able to speak to you.

 

As for her Boyfriend threatening you, if he really wanted to do you harm he'd have punched you when he had the opportunity, not shouted at you when you were driving away, don't lose sleep over that one. He was probably just trying to score a few brownie points with your STBX.!!

[worlybear]

Hey Jaymz,

Just caught up with your thread and wanted to say hang on in there. I've got a feeling that all isn't sweetness and light in your STBXW's camp and reckon that things are on the way up for you. Carry on with what you're currently doing and continue to be there for your kids.

Also it will have been noticed and hopefully noted by the mediator, how hostile and uncompromising your XW is when you attend mediation- this will stand you in good stead for the inevitable court case regarding your kids.

Ignore the ridiculous posturing of her new partner-just make sure that your kids know they can contact you if they are physically threatened- also check that the school are aware of your concerns for their safety, too.

You're a great Dad.:)

[jaymz]

Last few weeks have flown by...!

 

Nothing much has changed since last update. No more issue with scumbag, he is back to keeping in the distance when I pickup/drop off the kids. STBXW barely acknowledges my existence. Kids done wont to go back home.

 

STBXW did have the baby on the 10th Jan, a boy, which they named Harry and has scumbags surname. Kids have been excited by it.

[jaymz]

You did fine. Having custody of your kids as often as possible is a good thing. More custody and flexibility on your part sets a good precedent. That has little, if anything, to do with your STBX. And as you detach more, she will matter less and less in the equation.

 

Ona side note, my divorce was anything but amicable but we still help each other out from time to time. Doesn't make me a doormat.

 

Thanks. Part of me was thinking that I shouldn't be doing her a favour, she should sort out a baby sitter. But having my Daughter for another 7 hours, just the two of us, watching films and cartoons, was great.

[jaymz]

Hey Jaymz,

 

This thread really interests me as it has been going so long now. It gives a sense of how you have developed over the period of the breakup.

 

Can I ask you though how you feel now? Do you still long for your ex and miss her or wish you were back together?

 

The reason I ask is that I am 3 months seperated,my wife left me and I think has started a relationship with her personal trainer though I don't know this for sure. I've been through a ton of emotional grief and still do on days. My biggest fear is that I won't meet anyone else again a least anyone I'm attracted to, did you feel like this and how have things changed for you over the past year, is it a year?

 

It will be two years in March.

 

The biggest area of change for me is losing that desire to get back together with my STBXH. My eldest told me at dinner a few weeks ago that he prays every night for us to get back together as a family. I told him straight that it would never happen and he should pray for strength to help others. When I said it, I knew it would be true and for a moment felt sad, that was that.

 

Changes in other areas of my life seems to take forever. Dealing with the divorce, debt I've been left with, work, building a new social circle, hobbies, eating better, exercising more etc. Not sure why, but somedays it seems that I don't achieve any of the above and in fact make things worse. A lot of it is down to how I lived my life through my family and now all of that has gone, a big empty void that needs filling....

 

Haven't really been trying to get a g/f. Have gone on lots of dates but either haven't liked the person and they liked me or the other way around!

But I am happy with that, I do feel lonely at times as my STBXH was my best friend, my life etc, but I don't have an over whelming desire to have a girlfriend, more kinda "dipping my toes back in the dating game", and boy, has it changed!

 

 

Things I have learnt: Don't be scared of change! Keep super busy. Eat well. Exercise. Socialise. Start new things like hobbies or sports. Dont think you have to do "normal" to fit in. Discover yourself.

[jaymz]

Ha ha Jaymz, you have a way with words,

 

Happy new year!!

 

Cheers! You too buddy!

[aMguilts]

hey jaymz

 

good for you

aM

[jaymz]

Had the kids this weekend. I did text the STBXW before and ask for the kids library books and an extra set of clothes. No library books and a bag full of old clothes for the kids.

 

Took them to the woods on Saturday, spent all afternoon wandering, making a house from tree fall logs/sticks etc. The kids loved, it: played army etc. But of course, clothes got muddy.

 

Took them to rugby this morning, they loved it and want to go again. In the afternoon I took them to the park with my brothers, cousins and dogs. Great afternoon, all enjoyed themselves and the kids were really tired afterwards. Nice hot Sunday lunch when they got back and they became very sleepy. But my daughter was getting very distressed about having some mud on her boots from playing down the park.

 

Dropped them off tonight and the STBXW goes absolutely mad at them and me! Accusing me of treating them like pigs. I pointed out that its only mud and she washes their clothes anyway. So asking if the kids can go to rugby every Sunday then became a "you must do this otherwise they cant go". I refused saying its a yes or no question and I don't expect them to go every Sunday when she has them as I know they may have plans, she said she would think about it.

 

The eldest refuses to go in, while I was speaking to him the STBXW came back to the front door, she was not happy, saying she had no money for new shoes or clothes as I had ruined them... clearly an exaggeration and I refused to stop taking them to these types of things as they really enjoy it and the fresh air is good for them, also i told her that is what I give her the money for each month, she slams the door in my face.

 

Spoke to the eldest for a few minutes, STBXW comes back to door, all sweetness and also tries to coax him in, after a minute, she loses temper and demands he comes in as the baby is by the door and getting cold. Yep, her baby is right by the front door asleep in his car seat... Eldest goes in.

 

STBXW tells me that next time I pick up kids, they will be wearing their slippers and will have no other clothes.

[jaymz]

Its also been an odd weekend with my mind. I seem to keep catching myself thinking that as the STBXW has had a baby, she must be having sex with scumbag and then my mind plays some unpleasant movies. This hasn't happened to me in a long time, I had thought I had gone passed that stage.

 

One thing did make me chuckle though: STBXH parents have spent their inherited money (from the rich aunt who died in 2011) on a race horse.

[foolish1]

Yes of course it is.