Is it over?

[robf1971]

, I told her that she could sleep on the sofa or leave but kids stay with me. .

 

Brilliant !! thats strong but you gotta stay calm. They will go mad afterwards because they are losing control.

[robf1971]

Looked on FB, she had changed her profile pictures to one of her in a hotel room on a night out with scumbag. took me by surprise and now my heart is racing again.

 

Stupid me!

 

Forget Facebook, it's for 15 year olds man, sadly your wife is acting about as mature as one.

[robf1971]

she then called the police and accused me of assault,.

 

This is actually not such a bad thing. Each time she does this she will lose credibility. The police will realise that she is wasting their time and they will end up cautioning her.

[jaymz]

Thanks again for good advise you three.

 

I will call my solicitor and let her know whats been going on. Before I left this morning I told the w that I will need the marriage certificate and her business accounts for the divorce, she went mental again about me going for full custody of the kids. I actually need the marriage certificate to send to the court to start the divorce and i need to know how much money she earns from her business to work out the maintenance payments.

 

I really think she is paranoid that I would do it and win, it seems to be her biggest fear.

 

I'm not bothering with FB anymore now, going to work out how to block it.

[robf1971]

I actually need the marriage certificate to send to the court to start the divorce and i need to know how much money she earns from her business to work out the maintenance payments.

 

I really think she is paranoid that I would do it and win, it seems to be her biggest fear.

 

.

 

This sounds like her first reality check

[robf1971]

Thanks again for good advise you three.

 

I will call my solicitor and let her know whats been going on. Before I left this morning I told the w that I will need the marriage certificate and her business accounts for the divorce, she went mental again about me going for full custody of the kids. I actually need the marriage certificate to send to the court to start the divorce and i need to know how much money she earns from her business to work out the maintenance payments.

 

I really think she is paranoid that I would do it and win, it seems to be her biggest fear.

 

I'm not bothering with FB anymore now, going to work out how to block it.

 

Fully expect lots more shennanigans from her. You must stay calm but firm, documenting everything. Times, what was said etc. You need to be meticulous. You must not do ANYTHING that she can use against you.

 

It is not acceptable for her to leave with your kids. Tell your solicitor what she said. Find out the law on this. It's possible you could have her arrested if she does this. You need to find out ok..

 

Also talk about a childcare schedule and separation agreement, make it all legal. Repeat, this woman is crazy, just be ready for anything.

[robf1971]

I'm not bothering with FB anymore now, going to work out how to block it.

 

Another thought, you need to be whiter than white. I hate to say it but stay away from dating, until divorced. It's just something she can throw at you.

 

Also do you have physical proof of her affair eg emails etc? ask your solicitor if this will help you in court?

[robf1971]

Another thought, you need to be whiter than white. I hate to say it but stay away from dating, until divorced. It's just something she can throw at you.

 

Also do you have physical proof of her affair eg emails etc? ask your solicitor if this will help you in court?

 

OHH and CRB check this OM, NOW NOW NOW. Do you want some looney tunes guy to have contact with your kids? If he comes up less than 100% call the police. For all you know he could be doing drugs in front of your kids, or worse. He might have an ASBO or something that could get him arrested.

[jaymz]

She is going to admit the adultery, i have already had the solicitor send her a letter which she needs to take to her solicitor. I have some proof, facebook stuff, mobile phone records, internet history etc but I could not get into her email (for hotel booking confirmation) or her phone as she was changing the password regularly.

 

She just texted, want to know what time I'm back so she can go to a friends birthday party. I had told her earlier "normal time" which is around 6:30, not replied yet.

[jaymz]

I feel really down this afternoon. looking at painless suicide methods with google.

[marqueemoon4]

no man you have to come out of it... I went through that too.. IT WILL PASS

[jstobo]

I feel really down this afternoon. looking at painless suicide methods with google.

 

Jaymz - do me a favor right now. Read my post "My Wife is No Longer in Love With ME", find some posts from debtman and just read some posts that were started a few months back. You'll notice a pattern. You'll see how crushed I was, how crushed debtman was and some of these other posters. You'll start to see throughout their posts, that they are getting better. Now my story hasn't been fully written. I may be reconciling with my W, I may not. But I have a much greater say in that decision today. Debtman could take his W back right now if he wanted. Guess what, he doesn't want to. He has decided he is happier without her.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying snap out of and get over now. I AM saying, you will snap out of it and you will get over it. Let yourself go through the process!!!

[jaymz]

I am going through the process. It has been hard today as w told me she was going by next weekend and was taking the kids. I suppose the reality of everything is hitting home.

 

She is dressed up and looking great, going out for friends birthday.

 

Today has not been a good day. I wont be topping myself, just macabre curiosity.

[The Great Gazoo]

I am having one of those days too. I know it is the most horrible, coldest, most emotionally dead feeling. I'm with ya. Hang in there man.

[worlybear]

Hey Jaymz how're you doing?

Just caught up on your thread- hope that things are a little better for you.:bunny:

[Delilah5]

Here is my tale:

 

At present I have moved out of my house and gone to live with my parents on 25/4/2011 - I have only texted her this morning to let her know I will be calling the kids at 7 pm tonight to talk to them. We have been together for 15 years and married for 10, I am 34 and she is 32. We have 3 kids together, 7, 5 & 3.

 

I noticed my wife wanting to go out a lot more , around 3/4 times a week, since the beginning of Jan. She would come home in the early hours completely drunk. even when going around a friends house for a pamper party, she would be fully loaded on wine and I would be up half the night making sure she is ok (lots of being sick and hyperventilating), then up early with the kids.

 

She met someone at a night out in the beginning of march, met him a couple of times for coffee, they clicked and then one thing led to another and they were having a full blown affair.

 

I confronted her on Sunday 27th march about her behavior and the fact she only seemed happy when either down the gym or going out. it was then that she told me she loved me but was not in love with me. She said her head was messed up and didn't really know what to think. I was devastated.

 

I then researched why wives are unhappy, bought books, and then really started to have a good look at myself an my behavior. I am ashamed to say that I hadn't been an attentive enough husband at the emotional level. In my defense I didn't really know what I was doing wrong, when she had said in the past she was unhappy I did all the things that I thought would make her happy, as it turns out it didn't. I was barking up the wrong tree and she was not telling me where I was going wrong, we both did not communicate very well together. She thinks I made no effort and I feel I made loads of effort. We had moved into a big house last year and really stretched ourselves financially, I spent all year working and doing overtime to pay for it. We had agreed to this and new it would be hard but worth it, as this was our dream house and where we would raise the kids for next 25 years.

 

This lead to an uneasy 3 weeks where I tried to be much more emotionly attached to her: Trying to go to bed at the same time, lots of "I love u", kisses, hugs, showing my appreciate more etc, I did everything I could to show that I really did love her, appreciated her and wanted things to work out. The whole time she told me that it was unnatural and was not interested, I cried myself to sleep nearly every night, had no sleep and started to lose weight as I didn't want to eat.

 

I started to get suspicious of an affair when she went around a friends house mid-week (her friend is slightly unstable) to watch DVD's, she didn't get home until 01:30 and was drunk. I had the next day off work to spend time with her and kids, a package arrived for her. It was from a lingerie company, when I asked her what it was she said it was just some normal bras. When i looked at the delivery note, it was a sexy babydoll, I looked at it on-line and was. She later hid the package but didn't know I knew what it was. Secretly I hoped it was a treat for me!

 

The next day she told me she was going out with her friend (the one from the other night) and was it ok for her to stay the night to keep her company? Of course I said yes and told her what a great friend she was. That day I got a call from my mobile phone provider, they wanted to know if I was interested in getting an international call package due to spending £70 a month on international calls to Norway? we dont know anyone in Norway but I asked for the itemized bill copy to be sent to me at my work address. When i confronted her about it, she denied making calls and thought it must be a mistake - if it was then why didn't she flag it up with me when the bill came in? I come home from work early that day and saw what she was packing, the package was in the bag as well as toothpaste, why would you need toothpaste going to a friends house? It played on my mind all night.

 

Next day I got up and found an anonymous note had been put through the door, it had 3 mobile numbers on it. I called the first two and no reply, I called the third and spoke to the friend and asked to talk to my wife, she hung up. I called again and the phone was engaged, I called my wife and it was engaged. so I left a "where r u" voice mail and texts". I then got a text an hour later saying she was at her mums and would be back later. I then knew something was very wrong.

 

When she came round she still was trying the "nothing going on, my head is all over the place" line, eventually she admitted having an affair, told me it was physical, it had been going on since beginning of march etc. I was very numb that day, we acted as if nothing happened. But things started to make sense: She put a password on her phone but would tell me what it was, she then password her email and facebook account too, always had a feesable excuse for doing it but couldnt tell me what the new password was. This was odd and should have started alarm bells ringing but I loved and trusted my wife totally, and so respected her space and privacy.

 

On the Sunday we talked abit and I explained that I loved her very much and wanted to be together, she told me she wasn't sure as she had feelings for this guy and only saw me as a friend. We talked off and on all week about things. I offered to take her to marriage councilling to help her think clearly and work things out. She didn't really seem interested.

 

The next friday I got the call records, it showed calls to norway (even on valentines night) and calls to loads of other numbers I didnt recognise. I made a list and started to call them, everyone was a bloke, some hung up on me when I tried to find out more, others just said "speak to your wife". I left work early and confronted her, she was made about the calls record being sent to me without her permission. I told her she needs to answer me what the hell is going on, she told me then that she had been unhappy since august last year and was flirting with guys for attention and company, she wasnt sleeping around or having an affair then.

 

Later she said she was going to the pub with friends and wouldnt be back late. I woke up at 01:40 and she wasnt back, I texted her and she said she was at a night club and would be back soon. I woke up again 03:40 and texted her, she said she was waiting to get cab home. she eventually got back at 04:30, I asked where she had been and she repeated she was out with friends. I asked her to sleep on the sofa, she then got changed, packed a few items and said she was staying at her mums. I called her mums in the morning to see if she was ok, she wasnt there, she called me later and said she was with him and would be back later. I was devastated again, I hoped she would stop seeing him, get help and want to fix things.

 

Later that night we talked some more, she then told me she choose him but feels she has made a terrible mistake. I grabbed some bits and left the house. I came back the next day and we spoke again, she confirmed she feels she has made a terrible mistake but her heads it hurting and she cant think straight. I then told her that I couldn't live like this and she needs to sort her self out, I told her I am leaving her and will probably divorce her. I packed some bits and got my dad to pick me up, just before I left she gave me a big hug for 5 minutes and said goodbye.

 

She is going on a mini break this Saturday with a friend and her parents for 5 days. I told her she should use that time to think things through and then goto councilling afterwards, I said it should be on her own at first and then I can come later if needed.

 

At the moment the other man is married with 3 young children, he has not told he wife about the affiar but my wife believes he will. My wife has been very emotionally withdraw since the 27th march, so i cannot read her thoughts at all.

 

This week I have been looking at joingin a gym, getting cookery classes, clothes shopping, buying a bike, reconnecting with old friends and family, finding ways to get new circle of friends etc as I know I need to change back into the man I was.

 

I really love my wife, I now know what I was doing wrong and believe we can fix it together. It it over for us?

If your wife does come back to you, will you ever be able to trust her again? She told you she looks at you like a "friend". Yes, she did indeed make a mistake, a huge one. And the 5 minute hug? Doesn't mean that she loves you, like that. Before I would take her back, I hope that the two of you will go to intense counseling together and that you're absolutely sure that you want to take that chance. Because it just may keep happening. Love is a strange thing and it often hurts, as you know. But I respect you for wanting to keep trying. Just be very cautious.

[jaymz]

i am sitting in my parents house, all dressed up waiting for my sisters boyfriend to come pick me up and spend an evening with them in the pub. The wife thinks I'm on a lads night out in london and staying at a hotel, not that i told her but thats what she asked if i was doing and i didnt tell her a thing.

 

Spent the day with 2 of the kids in the woods with my sister, her boyfriend, her son and dog. then we sat in a pub for a few hours wile the kids played on the bouncy castle. it was a very good day and i loved spending time with the kids and my family.

 

Came home and w wanted to apologise for any hurt she caused and remain friends. I ****ed up here and spent 5 minutes telling her that i dont think we could ever be friends because of her selfishness and cruelty not only to me but the kids, my family and her family. I wouldnt treat my worse enemy the way she has treated us. She then started to cry and I left her, got ready, said goodbye to the kids and left the house.

 

Even if she said all the right things tomorrow about getting back together i dont think i could put in the 100% needed. Its so sad. the things she complained were missing from our "loveless marriage", I'm doing the last few months and loving it.

 

House is on the market today. I dont think w is going to move out next weekend. i was really looking forward to her going (not kids) so i could then give keys to estate agent and move out myself. Once the house is sold i can clear all my debts and once we are divorced I can then earn money again.

 

A friend is looking to buy house/flats cheap and refurbish them, then sell for a profit and start a property empire. I may well save up and chat to him about being partners.

 

feeling a lot more positive today.

[willowthewisp]

i am sitting in my parents house, all dressed up waiting for my sisters boyfriend to come pick me up and spend an evening with them in the pub. The wife thinks I'm on a lads night out in london and staying at a hotel, not that i told her but thats what she asked if i was doing and i didnt tell her a thing.

 

Spent the day with 2 of the kids in the woods with my sister, her boyfriend, her son and dog. then we sat in a pub for a few hours wile the kids played on the bouncy castle. it was a very good day and i loved spending time with the kids and my family.

 

Came home and w wanted to apologise for any hurt she caused and remain friends. I ****ed up here and spent 5 minutes telling her that i dont think we could ever be friends because of her selfishness and cruelty not only to me but the kids, my family and her family. I wouldnt treat my worse enemy the way she has treated us. She then started to cry and I left her, got ready, said goodbye to the kids and left the house.

 

Even if she said all the right things tomorrow about getting back together i dont think i could put in the 100% needed. Its so sad. the things she complained were missing from our "loveless marriage", I'm doing the last few months and loving it.

 

House is on the market today. I dont think w is going to move out next weekend. i was really looking forward to her going (not kids) so i could then give keys to estate agent and move out myself. Once the house is sold i can clear all my debts and once we are divorced I can then earn money again.

 

A friend is looking to buy house/flats cheap and refurbish them, then sell for a profit and start a property empire. I may well save up and chat to him about being partners.

 

feeling a lot more positive today.

 

Really glad to hear that. I wasn't here yeaterday when you posted but I wanted to say you aren't alone in feeling suicidal or even just pondering it. I was sucidal serveral times, the pain was so bad it seems like the only way to end it. IT ISN'T! I promise you, this will get better. It's still hard sometimes but in a much less painful way, I know that sounds weird but you too will see what I mean one day. A lot of people on this forum have had the sucidal moment and ALL of them have gotten through it and you will too. You will get through Jamyz and come out of the tunnel the other side and in the mean time we are all here for you to lean on.

 

:bunny::bunny:Hugs.

[jaymz]

The w went out with scumbag to a mutual friends birthday party, I am pretty sure she took him back to the house even though she promised last Sunday (and yesterday said she would respect me more) that she wouldn't.

 

I had a good night with my sister and her boyfriend, a lock-in at the pub until 2 then back to hers for me drinks. I got very drunk and broke down, very upset about the whole thing and that I really did not deserve it to happen. Eventually passed out.

 

Came home late morning all bright and cheerful like I had a brilliant night out. she did not say a thing and told me she was going out with her parents for a late lunch and would be back this evening. I said bye, and took the kids to a VW meet near me, I went with my brother and his kids, it was a very interesting day. just got home now and will be giving kids their dinner soon.

 

Still feeling very depressed, its hard to keep being happy around the kids and the w.

[jaymz]

W came back, usual bad mood. Not seeing solicitor until tuesday, no plans to leave the house yet.

 

She told me she wants to go away for a weekend to see some friends. I told her I think it would be a good idea to sort out weekends with kids as we mean to go on, we cant keep swapping them around and I cant make plans further than a few days. So am going to think about when I want this to start.

 

She has gone out for the evening, after the usual "this is too confusing for the kids" and "i can't stay in if your here" speech. bitch

[willowthewisp]

W came back, usual bad mood. Not seeing solicitor until tuesday, no plans to leave the house yet.

 

She told me she wants to go away for a weekend to see some friends. I told her I think it would be a good idea to sort out weekends with kids as we mean to go on, we cant keep swapping them around and I cant make plans further than a few days. So am going to think about when I want this to start.

 

She has gone out for the evening, after the usual "this is too confusing for the kids" and "i can't stay in if your here" speech. bitch

 

Yeah I'm sure she is really concerned how her actions are affecting her children I mean just look at the love and care she is displaying for them:rolleyes:

 

Like the way she's using you as a baby sitter as well while she goes out with OM

 

Ignore her Jaymz, concentrate on yourself and your children, she's just an irrelevant "thing" that comes and goes and causes everyone misery, it's quite pathetic really.

 

So what are you up to this evening?

[jaymz]

Yeah I'm sure she is really concerned how her actions are affecting her children I mean just look at the love and care she is displaying for them:rolleyes:

I know, but she will not accept any blame so I dont bother (otherthan yesterday when she tried to aplogise)

 

Like the way she's using you as a baby sitter as well while she goes out with OM

But what can I do? I have to come home to see the kids and then she takes advantage of that. I will see if I can get out everynight this week.

 

Ignore her Jaymz, concentrate on yourself and your children, she's just an irrelevant "thing" that comes and goes and causes everyone misery, it's quite pathetic really.

I know, i do try to and even with all the **** I do love her.

 

So what are you up to this evening?

In the chatroom, wanna come chat?

[willowthewisp]

I know, but she will not accept any blame so I dont bother (otherthan yesterday when she tried to aplogise)

 

 

But what can I do? I have to come home to see the kids and then she takes advantage of that. I will see if I can get out everynight this week.

 

 

I know, i do try to and even with all the **** I do love her.

 

In the chatroom, wanna come chat?

 

I know, wasn't rolling my eyes at you, was being sarcastic towards her. I know you love her but I honestly do think your wife is an absolute disgrace.

 

Which chatroom? I didn't know there was one?

 

EDIT the one from coping, was just there

Edited May 15, 2011 by willowthewisp

[jaymz]

I know willow, you have been great towards me and many others, even with your own pain and frustrations. I really do appreciate it, thank you.

 

She is a disgrace but she cant see it and will not accept any blame. Just not going to bother with her any more now. no point. i hope one day she wakes up an realises what she has done. but that is not going to happen anytime soon.

 

 

The chatroom link: http://tinychat.com/myrelationship

I use the same nick, say hi when your next in.

[debtman]

i dont think we could ever be friends because of her selfishness and cruelty not only to me but the kids, my family and her family. I wouldnt treat my worse enemy the way she has treated us.

 

This is EXACTLY how I feel about my stbx. She keeps telling me that she wants to be my "friend" but I would never let a friend treat me the way she has. A "friend" would never take half my kids lives away from me and a "friend" would never take more $ from me than they need just because the state lays down that particular number.

 

She is not a friend...but I still need to be "friendly" to her because of the kids...and because I'm a better person than she is. You nailed it here Jaymz...

 

Even if she said all the right things tomorrow about getting back together i dont think i could put in the 100% needed. Its so sad. the things she complained were missing from our "loveless marriage", I'm doing the last few months and loving it.

 

I feel the same way and, even though I get the impression she now feels some regret, now that things aren't "perfect" with her and OM, I would NEVER let her get back into my life and emotions the way she did before. I will always keep her at a distance and she will never be more than a co-parent to me. The way I figure it, the child support payment I make every month is worth it to not have her in my life anymore and, it's only a matter of time before I will have equal time with the kids and, from then, I'm guessing it's only a matter of time before she "decides" to let me have them full-time...

 

Good luck and keep posting...