Why do I get mad when BF wants to do something without me?

[love4me2c]

I know this isn't healthy, but I really get upset when my boyfriend wants to do something without me. It could be something simple like going to dinner at his parents, going bike riding, playing tennis with his cousin etc. I don't know why. I try not to show it to him, but I know he feels it. I actually even start the cold shoulder treatment. I don't want to do this, but it just happens. How do I stop this? Has anyone else had this problem and were able to tame this? Thanks for any advice.

Edited April 27, 2011 by love4me2c

[kiss_andmakeup]

Do you do things on your own without him? Maybe you feel like just because you don't have a desire to do things without him, that he should be the same way?

 

It's healthy for both people in a relationship to do their own thing from time to time, whether alone, with friends, or with family. Every time your boyfriend wants to do something without you, do something that you want to do. Meet a friend for lunch, go shopping, read a book, take a bath, get your hair done, etc.

[Chi townD]

I agree with the red head above me. If you want to lose him fast, continue to do what you're doing. Just because he wants to go out and do something without you doesn't mean that he loves you any less. Remind yourself of that. As a matter of fact, if he says he's going to a game with the guys just walk up to him and give him a quick peck and tell him to have a good time. He'll love you more for it and respect you more because you're putting your trust in him.

[Kelemort]

Read "If this is love, why do I feel so insecure?" You're displaying signs of anxious and insecure attachment problems. Why does it bother you when he goes alone? Is it just jealousy because you want to be with him? Fear that because he's going solo, he's not into you? Are you worried he's going to cheat on you?

 

Find your own hobbies and activities to do apart from your boyfriend. Work, go to school, volunteer, join a charity, start an extracurricular club, go swimming, go shopping, help out at your church, see an old friend, meet somebody up for lunch, go to the park with some friends, make a daytrip to a museum, etc.

[love4me2c]

Kelemort, I think you are exactly right and yes, there have been some trust issues. I'm sure that is not helping the situation, but I do often feel this way in relationships.

[carhill]

Were you abandoned/neglected as a child, either physically or emotionally? This could be as obvious as parents abandoning their child to an orphanage to as subtle as consistent and pervasive favoritism of a sibling and everything in between.

 

Armchair dx would lean towards anxious-preoccupied attachment style.

 

What does 'there have been some trust issues' mean?

[love4me2c]

I am separated from my husband now since October. I left him because he cheated. Now I am with my new boyfriend and he's been responding to ads on craigslist and he claims nothing happened but I don't necessarily believe him. I snooped and saw it all. This has happened several times. I just think I'm in an unhealthy relationship in general. But I can tell you that no matter the man, I always seem to behave this way. I was not neglected, but I did have a rough childhood.

[Survivor12]

I am separated from my husband now since October...... But I can tell you that no matter the man, I always seem to behave this way. I was not neglected, but I did have a rough childhood.

 

So how many men have you dated since October to substantiate that you "always behave this way" with any man?

 

Sounds as though the best thing for you is to break off what you know is an unhealthy relationship and take some time to recover from the loss of your marriage and the betrayal by your husband before you involve yourself in another relationship. As it is, until you regain your confidence and overcome the idea that you must always act in a certain way because you have in the past or are now, you will likely find the pattern repeating itself again and again.

[love4me2c]

Well I'm in my late 30s and didn't get married until I was almost 30, so I've dated other men in the past so I know I behave this way in my relationships in general. It is such a struggle because I don't WANT to act this way, but I can't seem to stop doing it. I'm going to buy the book that was recommended and perhaps a few others. I am also in counseling so I want to work on that with her as well. I know it's not healthy and I really wish I could stop feeling this way.

[Kelemort]

I'd also suggest "Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures" and possibly "Getting the Love you want." I've also seen the latter as "Getting the Love you Deserve." Those could be helpful.

 

Romantic Jealousy is hands-down the best, most useful book I've ever bought. Most self-help books will regurgitate your problem, but they don't give you tips and tools for getting out of that problem.

[carhill]

Another potential is the totality of the men you choose amongst those who approach you exhibits behaviors which align with the negative behaviors this man has exhibited and they are part of a total package of features/aspects/potentials which you find attractive.

 

A gross example would be a woman who hates drama (she says) but is attracted to bad boys. Healthy and decent men approach her, but she finds them universally unattractive.

 

Our psychologist, in the early stages of our MC, opined that any behavior and/or psychological perspective which inhibits the formation and growth of healthy interpersonal relationships bears scrutiny. I faced some of my 'behaviors' and 'perspectives' in there and learned a lot. If this 'pattern' is something which you find unhealthy and distressing, consider seeking professional help with it.

 

As an example, prior, I wouldn't have communicated clear boundaries about such 'craigslist activities', *assuming* (incorrectly) that an exclusivity talk implied cessation of such and similar activities. Now, I would communicate the boundaries clearly. That's the difference MC made.

 

Try the suggested books first and see how it goes.