Thought I was moving on...now not so sure :(

[Miss_G]

It's been 8 months since the split. At first I was heartbroken. We tried to work on things and that didn't work out and nearly 5 months ago ex decided it wasn't going to resolve and cut ties with me. We have a child so have to keep contact for his sake.

I hoped that he would mellow and if I kept my distance it would make him want to come back. It didn't! So I tried to move on and really felt like I was making progress.

Things are friendly between us and we will even chat and gossip when he comes to collect our child. This wasn't giving me false hope because in the last month, for the first time since the split, I've started to move on from him. I've begun looking towards the future and even understanding that I will not marry my ex and my son WILL have a stepfather and WILL probably have half-brothers and half-sisters. The complete nuclear family I wanted won't happen but it doesn't mean I can't be happy.

Anyway, I've been focussing on my son and going out with friends and keeping myself busy. Three weeks ago I met a guy when on a night out with frineds. He was quite nice and I exchanged numbers. After a few texts it fizzled out and I realised he wasn't the type of bloke I was looking for.

Then I discovered that I guy I met a few years ago (when I was with ex) was coming to a party I was going to with a friend. He lives a good way away so it was a big deal to see him. I thought he was very good looking and attractive when I met him last but was obviously with ex.

We met up and got on well (even had a cheeky kiss) and we exchanged numbers. I was feeling extremely good about myself. I liked this new man and I believed things weren't going so well for ex and his family (who are not my biggest fans and have given me grief in the past!)

Things went well for a week or so and then suddenly he has just stopped contacting me. I reached out to him twice and received one text back and then nothing! I don't understand what I have done wrong. He was telling me how wonderful I was and how he was going to prove that not all men were the same. Clearly, they are!

Now I just feel depressed. I thought things were going right finally in my life and suddenly I've been hit with a big knock-back! I just feel like I've gone down a slippy slope again. I was so scared of getting close to anyone again because I know how much it hurt with the ex. But, although it's only been a week or so, I found myself really starting to like this guy. I now I feel like I'm going through all the heart-break again

[doubtfulwonder]

I think you've been doing great with moving on so far. Just take this as a minor set back. Hang in there! Sometimes it's about taking chances and risks, even though you don't know how things will turn out. It could be that the last guy was being nice about it then only way he could think of handling it is to stop contacting. I know it sucks when they aren't straight forward about things sometimes, but unfortunately not much you can do However don't let it get you down. Just as the previous guy wasn't the type of man you are looking for, same with the last guy. So keep your chin up!

[Miss_G]

Thanks for the reply! I received a surprise message from the 'new guy' yesterday and felt slighted lifted although for some strange reason I still feel down.

I don't feel down about my ex or this 'new guy', I just feel down! Is this normal even 8 months after a relationship? To just feel down?

I fell out with a friend yesterday (see my post in the friend forum "paying up...who's right?") and it's put me on a real downer.

I'm stick of people constantly 'pooing' on me to put it politely

[doubtfulwonder]

Don't worry, it's normal. We all can still have our down moments from time to time. The less the better of course! But it happens.

 

I'll take a look at your friend forum post. But right away, to me, it seems like the main cause for feeling down at this moment.

[Miss_G]

Taken another tumble today. I went out for a drink with a friend last night and bumped into exes best friend (who is a mutual friend). He began telling me how upset he was my ex and I were no longer together and what a wonderful relationship we had. He told me he knew my ex had made a mistake and could see him realising it too late. I told this friend that I had waited and waited and could wait no longer for something that would probably never happen. He told me that he wanted us back together because that is how we belonged, as a family. I'm highly dubious about ever going back to my ex anyway and took this with a pinch of salt. He does not know what goes on in my ex's head.

I mentioned to this friend that had been 'people of interest' in my life but mentioned no one specific. I told him that I had simply 'moved on' from my ex. He wasn't happy and questioned me about my new 'boyfriend'. I stressed I had no boyfriend but that my ex was mistaken in thinking that no one would ever want me because I had a child (something he has said in the past).

This friend told me that my ex clearly still had feelings as, when he was asked if we would get back together, he said "no" but when he was asked how he'd feel if I met someone else he went shirty and refused to speak to anyone.

This morning I saw ex when he collected our child. He was strange. Overly friendly and mentioned that his best friend had rang him in the early hours. He made out he hadn't answered the phone but then I spoke to his friend. He questioned me about this new 'boyfriend' and said that he HAD spoken to my ex and my ex was very concerned about this new bloke. He asked a lot of questioned and asked his friend to 'dig'.

I refused to disclose any information and simply said that it was very early days and I would not be introducing anyone to our child unless I had consulted my ex first. He told me that he didn't want me to go with anyone until he had 'sorted things'.

I have to see ex in an hour and am dreading the questioning I am going to get. What should I say? I don't want to 'rock the boat' as we've been getting on well and I suppose I would LIKE us to get back together although I hold out little hope. I don't know what to think!!

[Miss_G]

So my ex interrogated me for ages about who this 'mystery bloke' was (his friend had obviously spoken to him). He said he wasn't bothered but wanted to know if he was a 'good bloke'. Then he attepted to get a bit flirty with me before asking if this other bloke was better looking. I played it cool and informed him that I did not have a boyfriend but had people who had expressed interest in me. I told him that our child would not be introduced to anybody without my ex having prior knowledge. I also said that once anything was serious he would be the first to know and I would then give himm suitable information (his name, etc.) I think it is important to respect him as my son's father. I would want him to be reasonably open about relationships with his future girlfriends. He ended by giving me a hug (??).

I was speaking to the new interest and he is keen to travel down and come and see me soon (he lives quite far away).

I feel in a weird limbo! I would love things to work out for my son because he is my main priority and I believe my relationship with my ex was a good one. It was family set up that I could not handle. They were overpowering and in some senses quite bullying. Now that I can see things more clearly I can understand why we should not be together if these circumstances were to stay the same. I know, deep down, they won't change.

I also am pretty certain that my ex does not want to get back together but simply sees me as his 'property' and doesn't want anyone else to have me.

I am so scared of another relationship though because, although I like this guy, there are factors that will put strain on any pending relationship. Not only is he miles away but he also works away so there could be long periods of time without him being around. I wonder how he will cope with my child (that would be WAY down the line though, I would never introduce my child to just 'anyone').

I can't shake the feeling that there's something there with my ex and feel like everything is becoming very final!

[doubtfulwonder]

Since you and your ex are no longer together, he really has no right to interrogate you with all those questions. It's none of his business. He's asking if other guy is better looking and so forth so he can boost his own ego. I'm glad you played it cool.

 

Btw is your ex seeing someone or for all you know he isn't? I know you want to let him know certain things if involves your child. I just wonder if he really would do the same or is it one-sided.

 

As for the other guy, those are important factors to consider. How much of it you would be ok with is something you need to think about more. Or you could just see how things go first and if it doesn't seem like it will work out, then may have to end it before it 'drags' on. Does he already know you do have a child? If he does come to visit, you can see if that goes smoothly or not as well.

 

And about your ex hugging you, don't think anything more into the hug. It's just a hug. If he really wanted to work things out with you then he would say it. In the mean time he is asking all these questions about the other guy and being flirty because of jealousy that you might find someone else. Yet he doesn't want to commit to you.