26pointblue Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I look back & think of how, at the end, xMM would only call me when he was drunk & having a weak/low moment & I would want to be there for him because I cared about him & felt bad. He would come over & say he couldn't give me up & wanted to be with me but he would be allllll over the map & say really contradicting things. He'd be happy, or sad, he'd hold me & kiss me but we wouldn't have sex because he'd be too far intoxicated to be able to do that, & he would tell me how much he loves me & wants to be with me. Then the next day he would forget all about saying all of that or apologize for being weak, & agree we need to stay away from each other, & I would feel like crap for letting him use me like that. Why did he do that & why did I let him, & why was [am] I still in love with someone so weak & honestly just pathetic? I can't wrap my head around it & just wanted to post my thoughts today. I know I deserve a strong man who knows he wants me & doesn't use me like that. Yet I really think the only man I've ever really loved is him. So what does that say about me & how do I fix it? Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I have not posted on your threads before but have read some of them. I just wanted to send you a (((hug))) after reading the above. You deserve so much better than this - he has dragged you down with his problems. You can get through this and life will get better again. In time you will find someone who is there for you just as much as you are there for him. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 That's one of the down sides to being involved with a regular drinker. It's like a personality grab-bag---you never know what you might get. And you can never be sure who the real person is---and most likely, they don't know either. This applies across the board---doesn't matter if you're an OW/OM, or a BS--it's going to be a roller coaster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 26pointblue Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 I have not posted on your threads before but have read some of them. I just wanted to send you a (((hug))) after reading the above. You deserve so much better than this - he has dragged you down with his problems. You can get through this and life will get better again. In time you will find someone who is there for you just as much as you are there for him. I sure hope so. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 26pointblue Posted April 27, 2011 Author Share Posted April 27, 2011 That's one of the down sides to being involved with a regular drinker. It's like a personality grab-bag---you never know what you might get. And you can never be sure who the real person is---and most likely, they don't know either. This applies across the board---doesn't matter if you're an OW/OM, or a BS--it's going to be a roller coaster. Yeah, his wife thinks he is an alcoholic and I guess she is right, Idk. I thought he just liked to have fun but towards the end I saw the really ugly bad not fun side of it. I do think he loved me but he didn't know how to handle his life & he made things worse at the end by drinking. [Worse for me, I'm sure it was worse for his wife all along when he drank]. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 26, I was married to an alcoholic. An alcoholic isn't always falling down drunk. Sounds like he has an alcohol problem; especially because you said he is much older than you (50 I believe you said). I would say if he was 20-something and out drinking, I would say par for the course of a 20-something. He manipulated you. He knew you were without a doubt wanting a life with him. He knew what to say and how to say it. He may have genuinely cared for you; but not more than his wife or himself. He has shown you though his actions - ACTIONS. We can all sit and spout we love so and so. It is what we do about it to show it that matters. Forgive yourself for trusting him. Forgive yourself for giving him chance after chance after chance. Love yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Kismetly Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Why did he do that & why did I let him, & why was [am] I still in love with someone so weak & honestly just pathetic? I can't wrap my head around it & just wanted to post my thoughts today. I know I deserve a strong man who knows he wants me & doesn't use me like that. Yet I really think the only man I've ever really loved is him. So what does that say about me & how do I fix it? Hi 26 We can ask ourselves why all day ... sometimes you've just got to accept that it happened because we had to learn something. Maybe you had to learn that you can't save everyone? (I think that's one of my lessons ... and it's always all about me :D:D!!) Maybe you had to learn that just because you love someone doesn't mean you can be with them. Maybe it was about learning that you can't trust everyone? IDK ... I just know that these journeys are sent to teach us about ourselves and about what we really want in life. And there's another side to it - for all the pain of the end (and before anyone jumps on me that implies all the duplicity, transferred disrespect etc, etc) - the beginning and the middle were pretty good hey? I don't know about you - but my AP took me on a tour of myself and pointed out some of the things about me that are good and worthwhile and that I'd forgotten. I'll always value that. somethings just aren't meant to last forever. Maybe look at it as a gift the universe sent you for a short while ... (the gift that keeps on giving in terms of the aftermath, hey? ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author 26pointblue Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 26, I was married to an alcoholic. An alcoholic isn't always falling down drunk. Sounds like he has an alcohol problem; especially because you said he is much older than you (50 I believe you said). I would say if he was 20-something and out drinking, I would say par for the course of a 20-something. He manipulated you. He knew you were without a doubt wanting a life with him. He knew what to say and how to say it. He may have genuinely cared for you; but not more than his wife or himself. He has shown you though his actions - ACTIONS. We can all sit and spout we love so and so. It is what we do about it to show it that matters. Forgive yourself for trusting him. Forgive yourself for giving him chance after chance after chance. Love yourself Yes, he's almost 55. I suppose he's a functioning alcoholic. Or at least he has the tendency to become a problem drinker. I have definitely learned that actions are the only thing that really matters, way over words. Thanks for the support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 26pointblue Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 Hi 26 We can ask ourselves why all day ... sometimes you've just got to accept that it happened because we had to learn something. Maybe you had to learn that you can't save everyone? (I think that's one of my lessons ... and it's always all about me :D:D!!) Maybe you had to learn that just because you love someone doesn't mean you can be with them. Maybe it was about learning that you can't trust everyone? IDK ... I just know that these journeys are sent to teach us about ourselves and about what we really want in life. And there's another side to it - for all the pain of the end (and before anyone jumps on me that implies all the duplicity, transferred disrespect etc, etc) - the beginning and the middle were pretty good hey? I don't know about you - but my AP took me on a tour of myself and pointed out some of the things about me that are good and worthwhile and that I'd forgotten. I'll always value that. somethings just aren't meant to last forever. Maybe look at it as a gift the universe sent you for a short while ... (the gift that keeps on giving in terms of the aftermath, hey? ) Thanks, Kismetly. I learned never to give all [or even much] of myself to someone who has not given me all of them, & especially not to someone who is not capable of that or has not shown me that they can be. I totally get your post, thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 26pointblue Posted April 28, 2011 Author Share Posted April 28, 2011 When the man you have chosen to be your true love is a cheating drunk who is old enough to be your father, and can't even perform sexually, that says to me your standards in men are way too low. So raise them. I get what you're saying but I feel compelled to add that he could usually perform very well sexually. Very well is an understatement, and very often. But yeah when he was that drunk [which didn't start happening until the end, when we were breaking up], that was not the case. Really at that point he was a huge broken chaotic mess on all fronts & sex was the least of my concerns. About the rest of it, yes, hindsight is 20/20 & I know I can do & deserve better but I did love him madly for some stupid reason. Link to post Share on other sites
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