lostone4me Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We are struggling. Over the last several years, I have taken her for granted and haven't given her the emotional support and friendship that she needed. I realize it and am committed to making it right. I recently discovered she was having an emotional affair for several months. She told me nothing physical happened and I believe her. She has cut off all communications with him. We have 2 kids (5 & 6). We are working on our marriage but both of us are having a very difficult time trusting eachother. She thinks the changes I'm making are games or attempts to manipulate/control her. I have recurring thoughts about this OM and whether or not she really wants more from that relationship. We are in counselling but are still struggling. How can we relearn to trust eachother????? Link to post Share on other sites
AmIWrong Posted April 27, 2011 Share Posted April 27, 2011 I tend to think that the trust will come when you can both take a step back, acknowledge how you co-constructed the mess and own your parts respectively. In addition, you each must trully empathize with the other's position. It's all alot easier said than done, but if you're committed to seeing it through, it is possible. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Audacia Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 My H had an emotional & sexual affair 10 months ago. He disclosed it and was remorseful. He took full blame. He also has done everything to make it work and regain my trust. We did MC and I watch him like a hawk. With that being said I still have major trust and anger issues and it has been 10 months. It takes time. I used to think about it every minute of every day. Now it's about once a day or every other day. And I tell him when it really gets to me. We BOTH have to work hard to make it work now and we have a long road ahead. Don't get discouraged. Let the emotions run through you and don't bottle them up. Talk about it. Your counselor should be helping you do this. If you don't feel it's benefitting then find another one. Mine had a specialty in anxiety and was able to teach us techniques to help get through the emotions. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostone4me Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 Thank you very much for the feedback. It helps. The main issue I guess I'm having is that my wife does not appear to be all that remorseful about going outside of our marriage....she feels she was justified based on the emotional state she was in at the time. I am struggling to start to rebuild my trust in her without her expressing the amount of remorse that I think is warranted. Maybe I'm expecting too much???? I must say, as difficult as the situation is, it could have been a lot worse....even that doesn't make this easier. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
Audacia Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Thank you very much for the feedback. It helps. The main issue I guess I'm having is that my wife does not appear to be all that remorseful about going outside of our marriage....she feels she was justified based on the emotional state she was in at the time. I am struggling to start to rebuild my trust in her without her expressing the amount of remorse that I think is warranted. Maybe I'm expecting too much???? I must say, as difficult as the situation is, it could have been a lot worse....even that doesn't make this easier. Thanks again! NOOOOO! Do not think that! Do not change your expectations of what you want out of your marriage. She may not fulfill all yours all the time but have you stepped outside of your marriage because of it? I understand the self-doubt you are having since I once thought what I should have done differently. But don't! It is not your fault! Did she ever come to you and say she needed emotional support from you? Did she ever give you a chance to fulfill her needs before going outside her marriage? And an A is NEVER justified. There are reasons for them but never justified. "Everything is something you decide to do, and there is nothing you have to do." ~Denis Waitley Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostone4me Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 Thanks again. Audacia....I agree that an A is never justified, but it's sad to say but she had reached out to me and I did not have the capacity to respond to her positively. I was not raised to open up emotionally to people. We are polar opposites on that one. Being open and vulnerable to her is the main thing that I am working on personally. Making these changes are difficult for most people under normal circumstances, but my lack of trust as a result of her "betrayal" makes it more difficult. The thing is....would I be so determined to make the changes had I not discovered her EA? Maybe not. I try to tell myself that maybe this whole thing is the wakeup call that we both needed. Maybe 5 years from now things will be better than ever? I guess that's the definition of HOPE. Pork....I know the woman you're talking about and if I was married to her, this situation would have been resolved months ago. We'd be in divorce proceedings. The reality is, my wife is really the most caring and kindest person I have ever met. Based on your comments (and several from other sources) I actually asked her again if she has ever engaged in anything physical of any nature with another man and she said no. I believe her. In her mind, at the time the EA started, our marriage was over. I don't think she feels that way now. I think she sees some of the changes I'm trying to make. Even if she doesn't trust them yet, I think she sees them. Don't get me wrong...my senses are at peak levels. I don't see any signs of an affair.......maybe I'm naive, but I hope not. Link to post Share on other sites
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