Experience & options regarding attraction

[change]

Our situations are only similar in that my marriage was sexless due to my husband's repeated avoidance of sexual intimacy and his refusal to seek

counseling and help with me.

 

I stayed in the marriage and tried everything I could think of 2 fix things, I'd say the last year though was the process of a long goodbye because in hindsight by the time I'd started sleeping on the sofa, I knew things were too far gone to fix.

 

No, my ex and I are not friends (it turns out he had a porn addiction and had started surfing craig's list for women) my only contact with him is the alimony payment I make every month and even that involves zero direct contact.

 

Would we have remained friends had this just been a case of him truly loving me but being unattracted to me physically? No, while I would have felt deep sadness & wished him nothing but the best it wouldn't be possible to see/talk to him without remembering the years of pain and unpleasantness.

 

Sometimes it's just too little, too late, IMHO you reach a point of no return in a sexless marriage, a place where you just cannot recover from as sad as that may be.

 

Look at it this way, you are sad, grieving now, she was sad & grieving during all those painful years. Nobody comes out of something like this

emotionally unscathed.

 

Thank you for your continued feedback.

 

We cried together during those years. I'm sure she cried alone, too. Absolutely certain now. I did as well. (I still don't know if she knows that.) But we also cried, many times, together. And despite what she thought, I never ever lost my physical attraction for her. Sex was just... utterly inaccessible to me. As inaccessible as my own body was to me, until recently.

 

I hope that my situation does prove to be different from yours, since she did talk about sex and what she wanted and future things a couple weeks ago. Then it all shut down. She also is VERY committed to us coming out of this as at least close friends; so am I, even if just being her friend kills me.

 

I wish I could ask what your husband could have done to make things different or to make you reconsider, but it sounds like that road would have been impossible -- and that it wasn't even considered, yes?

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Your wife endured a lot of despair over the last few years.

What she has done has found that place within herself that you can't touch...you can't taint...and she feels free because of it...because she could not find that place while in her despair. Does this sound right to you?

That does NOT mean that the decisions she is making are good ones, not at all.

She is flying high over this new freedom, which essentially, is detachment from the pain.

It feels good to be separated from pain, yes?

Getting compliments and attention from men is just icing her cake. Sounds like she is glowing...but it's a hot fire that will burn out, although it might take some time.

 

Hopefully not longer than three months...

 

And yes, a lot of this sounds correct. She's finding herself again. I only hope that she can see that returning to the relationship at this point would not be returning to the past. It would be something entirely new -- only with two people that have an incredible amount of comfort with one another, a lot in common, and a lot of shared knowledge.

 

People don't stop loving others overnight, and fickleness of yes to MC one minute and I want to be free the next reveals that she is not grounded. She is on a temporary high.

 

I tell myself this every day. I know this was a long time coming, but I also know that she was still looking for reasons to stay even in March. That's not that long ago... I can't imagine that those feelings are as utterly dead as she sometimes makes them out to be.

 

Best thing you can do is not let yourself sink back into depression. Easier said than done, but she wants a man, not a mouse, type of thing. I'm not saying become someone you are not. I'm saying work on that side of yourself that she fell in love with in the first place.

 

Yes, thank you for reminding me that. I'm trying to keep my head in the game, so to speak, and not lose hope when there still is hope.

 

Attraction and risk. Those are the two biggest players that I see in the path to reconciliation. She has to stop feeling like I'm a risk to be involved with. And with that loss of fear, I'm hoping the walls come down and we can start working on attraction.

 

My greatest fear is that when the walls come down, the attraction is truly gone. I've never been able to push something away like that -- and I tried during a really bad 2.5 year relationship with a woman that cheated on me over and over and over again -- and I was unable to ever stop caring about her or being interested in her. My wife and I are very similar people, and I can't imagine that she pushed it away fully either. But the thought still terrifies me.

[robf1971]

Best thing you can do is not let yourself sink back into depression. Easier said than done, but she wants a man, not a mouse, type of thing. I'm not saying become someone you are not. I'm saying work on that side of yourself that she fell in love with in the first place.

 

Totally agree. If I had a penny for every time my wife said she wasn't attracted to me, were like room mates, brothers and sisters etc I'd be a wealthy man.

 

It was only when I acted like it didn't bother me one little bit, and I became happy and started standing up to her BS it (her attraction to me) came back.

[Steadfast]

My greatest fear is that when the walls come down, the attraction is truly gone. I've never been able to push something away like that -- and I tried during a really bad 2.5 year relationship with a woman that cheated on me over and over and over again -- and I was unable to ever stop caring about her or being interested in her. My wife and I are very similar people, and I can't imagine that she pushed it away fully either. But the thought still terrifies me.

 

You've given a lot of information that, in my opinion, shows you're acting and reacting to a fear of being alone. That's pretty common, even if the ability to express it isn't. One thing is almost certain; it isn't attractive to women.

 

Being in a sound, loving relationship starts with having healthy self-esteem. Before you can give love unconditionally, you have to desire it for yourself. You are not the first married man to regret his actions, and unless you were cold and calculating in an attempt to control you're only guilty of trying to fulfill the promises you made. I understand it's more complicated than that but if perfection was a requirement for marriage, no one would be married.

 

From my perspective, you've analyzed yourself into a corner that leaves you open to her whimsical decision making process. I'm not sure what that is, but I know what it isn't. Confidence comes from an unwavering mix of values and humility. Some women won't ever love you or find you attractive. Can you survive if your wife is one of those? Accepting that is a start.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Steadfast

[change]

From my perspective, you've analyzed yourself into a corner that leaves you open to her whimsical decision making process. I'm not sure what that is, but I know what it isn't. Confidence comes from an unwavering mix of values and humility. Some women won't ever love you or find you attractive. Can you survive if your wife is one of those? Accepting that is a start.

 

Woah.

 

Yes, you are totally correct.

 

And when I think of it in terms of neediness and how unattractive neediness is -- especially to a partner that has been the emotional rock in a relationship for so long -- it fits in perfectly that my deep need for her to still be attracted to me is/could be incredibly repulsing. I never would have thought of that, Steadfast.

 

I've been telling myself the last couple of days that I love myself enough that I don't need anyone else's love to complete me. If I love myself fully, then I can also give love to someone else. But if I don't, I'm just taking love from others, without the full ability to give it back. In other words, I'm not worthless because of things she's said -- I am strong enough in myself that those things may hurt, but they don't change who I am and the value of who I am.

 

I need to add attractiveness into my personal mantras.

[change]

Totally agree. If I had a penny for every time my wife said she wasn't attracted to me, were like room mates, brothers and sisters etc I'd be a wealthy man.

 

It was only when I acted like it didn't bother me one little bit, and I became happy and started standing up to her BS it (her attraction to me) came back.

 

I imagine that truly letting go of the hurt and the fear is one of the hardest parts of this process (or at least letting go enough that you can become happy). It's so difficult, and it seems so necessary to any change of reconciliation, that it's no wonder to me that most couples DON'T reconcile.

 

I'm very committed to not sinking back into my depression, regardless of the outcome. I never want to go there again. I'm trying ever day to spend some time smiling with my eyes, even if I don't feel it at all, to cope with what's happening. It seems to help.

 

robf1971, can you remind me how long it took for you to turn your wife's behavior around in this regard (I can't even remember if you were physically separated right now or not... I've done a lot of reading on these forums)? I'm looking for your story right now on LS, because I remember reading about your situation, but now I can't seem to find it.

[change]

robf1971, can you remind me how long it took for you to turn your wife's behavior around in this regard (I can't even remember if you were physically separated right now or not... I've done a lot of reading on these forums)? I'm looking for your story right now on LS, because I remember reading about your situation, but now I can't seem to find it.

 

Nevermind -- I found it, robf1971.

 

I wish I'd heard about the 180 and realized that needed to happen before my wife suddenly moved out. But so long as she is willing to be even vaguely open to the possibility of "us" again, I suppose I can't lose all hope and must 180 and soldier on. It's harder to see actions with so little contact, but I can't imagine that the actions she does see won't stack up over time.

[Steadfast]

One of the hardest things I endured was learning this. It really did come upon me suddenly but after weeks and months of putting the pieces together in my head.

 

I remember getting in my car and going over to the wife's house, unannounced. She was surprised to see me and even more surprised when I cut to the chase and asked "So, you're not attracted to me anymore. Is that accurate?" After months of conversations that always ended with her saying "I don't know" I had asked one that she couldn't deny. "Yes, that's accurate" she replied, then added, "and I hate myself for feeling that way."

 

That's when I knew we were done.

 

It was heartbreaking and liberating, all at the same time, but (at least) I knew where I stood. I wasn't masochistic enough to ask if she was attracted to others but the humility I learned from that was a revelation. I stopped. I mean, I stopped everything, except being civil. And guess what? It changed her perception of me. No, the attraction never returned, but her respect did. My actions (or lack, in the case) showed her I was not now, and never had been manipulating.

 

I just loved her.

 

Lots has happened since, but nothing more profound than the ability to not take myself too seriously. I am not, and never had been God's gift to anyone...including my wife and the mother of my children. So, what to do next? Live. Be the best me I can and expect no more than I'm willing to give. In a crazy, twisted way, accepting one's 'unattractiveness' is very...attractive. To some people anyway. Ego in check.

Edited May 3, 2011 by Steadfast

[soserious1]

Thank you for your continued feedback.

 

We cried together during those years. I'm sure she cried alone, too. Absolutely certain now. I did as well. (I still don't know if she knows that.) But we also cried, many times, together. And despite what she thought, I never ever lost my physical attraction for her. Sex was just... utterly inaccessible to me. As inaccessible as my own body was to me, until recently.

 

I hope that my situation does prove to be different from yours, since she did talk about sex and what she wanted and future things a couple weeks ago. Then it all shut down. She also is VERY committed to us coming out of this as at least close friends; so am I, even if just being her friend kills me.

 

I wish I could ask what your husband could have done to make things different or to make you reconsider, but it sounds like that road would have been impossible -- and that it wasn't even considered, yes?

 

My husband would have loved to stay married, after all I was his breadwinner, I also did a fair amount around the house. What he wanted though was for me to remain,loving, giving, friendly, motherly and to accept remaining celibate for the rest of my life. Sort of like living with a roommate who I also had to support fiscally.

 

No, I was not willing to consider that option and things had been so bad for so long, even if he'd said he'd be willing to seek treatment to try to enable himself to pretend to desire sex with me.. it would have been too little, too late. There'd been too many hard words, too many fights, too many days of feeling like utter crap.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband would have loved to stay married, after all I was his breadwinner, I also did a fair amount around the house. What he wanted though was for me to remain,loving, giving, friendly, motherly and to accept remaining celibate for the rest of my life. Sort of like living with a roommate who I also had to support fiscally.

 

No, I was not willing to consider that option and things had been so bad for so long, even if he'd said he'd be willing to seek treatment to try to enable himself to pretend to desire sex with me.. it would have been too little, too late. There'd been too many hard words, too many fights, too many days of feeling like utter crap.

 

I think that this is what my case will look like.