31 years .. and wife is in love with another man

[oldman59]

I was not really posting her to be anonymous to her. I was posting for advice and comments. I really do not care if she sees the comments or suggestions as I think it may help her to realize that I am not being mean, or unrealistic in my expectations. Especially if a number of posters has similar comments.

 

There is a great amount of truth to "collective thinking" where if you get 100 people together the chances of properly answering a questions goes up.. just look at the show Who Wants to be a Millionaire.. the ask the audiance is right 80%+ of the time while the individual may only be right <50% if he doesn't know the answer.

 

If she reads the posts maybe she will realize that I am not unreasonable.. and maybe she should do some soul searching. In may ways I whish she had read/ searched half as much as I have about our issues, and read maybe 1 of the half dozen or so books I have bought for her iPAD. She has a friend who suggested a new one and we downloaded it yesterday 172 pages. I finished it and she is on page 33.. and probably will not bother finishing it.. she is too pre-occupied.. cannot seem to finish anything in the last 4 months.

[oldman59]

I guess the other reason I showed it to her was that I really have nothing to hide. Even after the affair is exposed she is still hiding/ sneaking contact with the other man (got a second cell phone..etc). Just want to show I am open and honest and not hiding anything..

 

Stark contract to someone in a affair that will lie about it being day or night.

[NXS]

I was not really posting her to be anonymous to her. I was posting for advice and comments. I really do not care if she sees the comments or suggestions as I think it may help her to realize that I am not being mean, or unrealistic in my expectations. Especially if a number of posters has similar comments.

 

There is a great amount of truth to "collective thinking" where if you get 100 people together the chances of properly answering a questions goes up.. just look at the show Who Wants to be a Millionaire.. the ask the audiance is right 80%+ of the time while the individual may only be right <50% if he doesn't know the answer.

 

If she reads the posts maybe she will realize that I am not unreasonable.. and maybe she should do some soul searching. In may ways I whish she had read/ searched half as much as I have about our issues, and read maybe 1 of the half dozen or so books I have bought for her iPAD. She has a friend who suggested a new one and we downloaded it yesterday 172 pages. I finished it and she is on page 33.. and probably will not bother finishing it.. she is too pre-occupied.. cannot seem to finish anything in the last 4 months.

 

Oldman, you come across as a man of great honesty and integrity however if your wife hasn't come to this conclusion, or at least been appreciative of your qualities, after 31 years then reading this thread is not going to change her opinion one iota.

 

There's a lot of threads here on affairs and they all have common themes, one of them is the affair 'fog' where the WS isn't thinking clearly and is caught up in the emotions of the affair. This is where your wife is now and no amount of reading is going to change that, even if she was bothered to read any of it in the first place.

 

If you read through these threads you'll find these common themes and how others have handled situations similar to yours. The most discussed strategies are NC (no contact) or LC (limited contact) and the 180. As you have a child you're probably stuck with LC which can be very difficult. Essentially you have to let your wife go with no begging/explaining/demanding and no contact (unless it's to do with your child). All of these will justify her actions and drive her further into the arms of the OM. If she no longer wants to be with you then she has to experience the consequences of her decision. She can't have the OM and your emotional/financial/physical support at the same time.

 

Up to now she's been back and forth between you both and you've been in limbo wondering what to do. Now a decision has been reached and in a way it at least takes away the indecision so you can try and go through the pain of separation and make decisions. I hope you can get through this and come out the other end a stronger person, no longer willing to accept the crumbs she's offering.

 

One of the difficulties with no longer being anonymous is that your wife can see through any strategies you use and it takes away the desired effect. While you're being open and honest she is not, so you're giving away your hand. In an ideal world we'd all be open and honest with each other but unfortunately that's not the reality.

 

It's the same for venting, we all have negative thoughts and feelings but when we express them they are often misinterpreted or judged. That's why people go to counsellors or post anonymously so that we can get impartial feedback.

[oldman59]

I see you point on venting.. and sometimes we vent things we later regret.. so that is probably the best reason not to let her know.. but she does so I can live with that.

 

Thanks so much for your comments

[NXS]

I see you point on venting.. and sometimes we vent things we later regret.. so that is probably the best reason not to let her know.. but she does so I can live with that.

 

Thanks so much for your comments

 

You're welcome.

 

You'll have a lot more venting to do in the coming weeks so you're going to need a place to do this safely.

[Tiberius]

Dont be so clingy. She wants her adventures with a 60 year old man? Let her have it. Chill out and get yourself a 20 year old to ride on the side.

[mark982]

oldman,did you check to see if she actually canceled these things, or are you taking her word. wouldn't be the first ex to max cards out before they take off! protect yourself.

[robf1971]

You need to expose the affair to everyone.

If the OM has a wife/family tell his wife.

Tell your family.

Cut off all finances from your wife.

 

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AGAIN!!!!!!!!!

 

If she gets pissed and wants separation she leaves, after all she`s the one ****ing around.

 

She has no need to stop her affair because you are not only allowing it you`re financing it!!

 

Cut her off, depending on how she reacts you may even want to have her served divorce papers.

You don`t have to actually file those divorce papers but you do have to do something to get her to realize there are consequences for what she is doing.

If nothing else works having her served should wake her up quickly.

 

Call a lawyer.

 

Sterling advice,

 

This is gonna sound harsh but please understand I am on your side 100%

 

You are acting afraid of your wife. Shock and awe will bring this woman to her senses. Why do BS's seem to think that being meek and compliant will win them back? Do you think the OM gives 2 damns about being a nice guy to your wife? Go on there's a clue to the rules of attraction..

 

She is laughing to OM about how much money she can screw out of you? and how when you are out of the house she can use it to carry on the affair? How much respect do you think your wife has for you if she can do this. Do you think being "nicey nice " to her and showing her posts is going to do anything to shake her out of this.?

 

Trust me I know your heartbroken, gutted, and you feel like a run over dog turd but actions speak 10,000 times louder than words in this situation. Be economical with your words and loud with your actions.

 

Firstly stop being afraid of how this woman will react, secondly, Lawyer up pronto. Im mean now if you haven't already there is a good chance this woman will screw you over if you don't. Get the nasties bull dog of a lawyer, find out your rights and for heavens sake don't leave the house. Not only is it weak and unnatractive, but the law may view it as abandonment.

 

Go and pack your wife's stuff up in boxes, leave them in the garage, tell her she has 2 weeks and that you will even help her move. Cancel those credit cards IMMEDIATELY, cut of her money, make her work for a living, hmm or maybe OM would like to support her?. In fact tell your lawyer that she still needs to pay her half of the house.

 

Is your child grown up? if so? just drop your wife like a bad habit. No contact, no responding, nothing. She wants to talk about money? give her your lawyers number. She wants to talk about divorce? Give her your lawyers number.

 

You will buy some new clothes, get out get a new hobby, go running/gym, meet new friends, hook up with old friends and start building a new life for yourself. If your wife wants to come back she will have to walk barefoot over broken glass to be with you.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am guessing by your sig that you are still under 60.

 

Also suspect that you think that if the two of you separate that you will live the rest of your life alone.

 

NOPE!

 

I am more than a few years older than you, and am still being hit on by those more than 30 years younger than me.

 

Fight fire with fire. Trade her in for two 30 year olds.

 

Good men are hard to come by, let them know that you are available.