Rebuilding

[SinglePapa]

OK, here we go (this is gonna be a book!): never been on a forum of any kind before. I'm a 33 year old single father, I have full physical and legal custody of my twin six year old daughters. I have been divorced for 5 years, my ex-wife went through a severe depression/borderline personality disorder episode after our daughters were born, and I was assigned custody. This episode involved lots of manipulation (constant false accusations of infidelity, silent treatment, suicidal threats, and a couple more or less staged suicidal attempts). The only way I finally broke out of that situation was when she swallowed a bunch of pills in front of all the kids, and I decided that I couldn't allow the children to be exposed to that behavior, I moved out with all the kids. She had a son from a previous relationship, who is now 11. She is a french citizen, and in August 2010, she ran out of money (i had paid support for 3 years, despite having our girls, in order to 'buy' myself out of an i-394 contract with the federal gov't I signed when we were married, be careful when mixing immigration and marriage!), she was basically chased out of the country by creditors. The reality of being a single father pretty much consumed me for 4 years, and I only casually dated a few women, never for more than a month or so, and never introduced any of them to the girls. One of the things that's stuck with me from that marriage experience was some self-doubt as to my ability to choose good, reliable partners for myself.

 

So, that's my back story, and here comes my Other Man episode:

In April 2010, a female friend of mine began hinting to me about a woman who I'd gone to high school with who had recently become 'single,' who was a mother of two boys, younger than my girls, who she thought would be a good match for me. This woman, (am I supposed to say MW? that's what I'll do for now) was someone I 'knew of' in high school but didn't know, but from the first time she was pointed out to me, when I was 18 or so, I thought she was highly attractive and had a certain respect for her that I can't quite describe. Not really a 'crush' in the high school sense, which I had plenty of, but like an admiration (I think this is because I heard that she was 'saving herself for marriage,' while I and every one I knew had spent the last four years in concerted efforts to NOT save ourselves ). Over the last fourteen years or so, I had run into her when I was back in my home town (a medium sized city) probably ten or so times. She continued to pique my interest, and she even outright flirted with me on several occasions, but I'm a relatively shy person, and nothing ever came of it.

 

So, I called her in April of 2010, sort of out of the blue, based on my friends hints. I invited her to a group/potluck dinner at my house, no kids allowed. We sat next to each other, blah blah blah, had a good time, and saw each other 2 or three more times over the next several weeks. At one point, after we a been at a mutual friends house one evening, she asked me if I wouldn't come back to her house to talk. I enthusiastically accepted, and we went back and sat on her porch and talked for 3 or 4 hours about the possibility of dating each other. She was still married, but planning on getting a divorce, her husband had cheated on her while she was pregnant with their second child (which she said she had had 'to save the marriage', he is an alcoholic, and though he never hit her, he had physically intimidated her once to the point that she left the house for several days, this was the first of the danger signs I ignored in this process), and continued to do so even as she forgave him and tried to get him to counseling to rebuild the marriage. She seemed especially hurt that he had 'fallen in love' with one of his girlfriends. I stated in that conversation quite clearly that I had no interest in interfering with her marriage, and that I believed that the best thing for children was to be raised by their biological parents if at all possible, and that I didn't want to interfere with that either. We also agreed to keep the kids out of the mix for the time being, which I understood to be for the purpose of protecting them from severed attachments should things not work out. She did mention that she 'wished this was happening a year and a half from now,' so that her divorce could be sorted out. I made no moves on her at this point, we didn't even kiss, I was uncomfortable kissing a married woman. A couple of days later, I left on a month long road trip to visit friends from college with my daughters and step-son, still having not kissed her. I stayed in touch with her on the road trip by sending her photos from the road, etc., and we talked on the phone once.

 

When I got back, I felt like I was on top of the world, I had had an amazing trip, was planning to take the rest of the summer off of work to have a final last blast with my girls before kindergarten, and I had this amazing woman, who was interested in me, waiting to explore a new relationship. We continued to see each other a couple of times a week, we went to one of my friends weddings together, and every moment we shared felt wonderful for both of us! Her friends were excited for her, happy to see that I made her happy, and teased her about the 'brady bunch' aspect. The physical aspect of our relationship began to develop, was wonderful, but we held off on intercourse for her to get an IUD. It felt so mature and responsible.

She at once proposed that we 'go exclusive,' and shortly proposed that we talk on the phone nightly, and also soon began to propose that we get together with all the kids to go the park, which I took as a sign that she was thinking that this would, in fact, work out and she was comfortable with the kids in it now. She did say, however that we should continue to behave as 'friends only' in front of the children, which was really weird for me, having to act in a proscribed way instead of naturally.

Anyways, was we grew to know each other, she began to confide in me various things about her childhood and past that she believed had led to 'to basically marry my father'. As far as I know, her father was an alcoholic who abused her mother physically, and died when she was 7 trying to hop a train. She said I was the first 'nice guy' she had ever dated, which was slightly emasculating, but something I'm proud to be, if I am.

At one point, about six or seven weeks after that first talk (and in response to my reluctance to interfere in her marriage, she was describing how her husband wanted to get back together with her, and was trying to get sober. She looked me in the eye and said, "I am absolutely sure that I don't want to be in this marriage anymore, and that would be the case, even if things weren't going so well with you."

 

Mounting Danger signs: 1) The actual active relationship was about 2 months old at this point, and I began to notice that I had completely lost my appetite, I was hungry constantly, but couldn't bring myself to eat. Even out at dinner with her, I would only pick at my food. 2) I learned, over time, that her husband was having his visitations with the kids at her house, 4-6 times a week. She explained that he was too irresponsible to provide a safe environment at his apartment, and that she placed high value on sitting down to dinner as a family. She was basically cooking dinner for them all, and then he would stay and put the kids to bed 3) She described a meeting she'd had with a lawyer, before I'd ever called her, wherein she was asking the lawyer how she could guarantee that her husband wouldn't be drinking if the kids were at his place, and the lawyer had said that she sounded co-dependent. She said that she had been outraged by this observation, and almost made a complaint to the woman's center where she was providing services, but had come to realize that maybe the lawyer had a point. 4) She began to reveal that the reason she wanted to hide our relationship from her kids, even when we all together, was that she feared that her husband would abandon them if he learned that she was in another relationship. 5) When she finally sat down with her husband to say that she wanted a divorce, he accused her of being a lesbian and threatened to hurt her housemate (another single mother, who is indeed a lesbian), said he would refuse to participate in the divorce process, and said 'and I'll do something else, something you won't like,' which I assume was a reference to abandoning the kids. 6) In addition to my lack of appetite, once her IUD was in place, I had my first experience with sexual blocking, I basically didn't have an erection for a month, not with her, not in the mornings, never (I was clearly REALLY uncomfortable and stressed out) 7) She made a couple of references to 'a break' from our realtionship so that she could sort out her divorce.

 

At some point along the line, she began to say that she was 'falling for me,' and began to tell me that she loved me. She began to talk about the future, and all the wonderful possibilities out there for us. I was not in love with her at this point, but the fact that she was saying that to me, combined with the fact that it had been a long time since somebody had told me anything like that, rapidly increased my attachment. I knew that, before I told her that I loved her too, and let myself go into that mode completely, that I needed to be ready for another round of step-parenthood, with all of its responsibilities and risks, and decided that I was ready for that, her boys are wonderful, and I was realizing how wonderful it would be to have a partner to parent with, and have a loving woman in my daughters lives (my ex-wife had left the country at this point, and I went from having every other weekend off, which felt like an enormous amount of freedom, but had taken her years to get ready for, back to full-time sole parenting). I had a serious talk with her, where I said, I'm about to fall completely in love with you, but before I can let myself do that, I need to know what you mean by 'a break,' because that will be really painful if I'm really attached. I said, "I'll have your back, whether that means staying away for a while, or if it means being supportive as you go through it. I said I also needed her to be more open and honest with your husband about being in a relationship, that divorce is an ugly process, and everybody is generally unhappy with the result, but that being clear, open, and honest was the only way to go. At the time, I also wanted her to do this so that we could avoid some sort of ugly confrontation between he and I, where he found out by surprise, and we would argue or fight, which I thought would be bad for all of us (him included), especially for her kids, if it were to happen in front of them. She took what I said very seriously, and got together with her life long friend to talk it over. Her friend said, 'it sounds like you are compartmentalizing your life.' She decided that she did not need a break.

 

Once I had begun to exchange 'I love you's with her, I became extremely lonely in the evenings, and would sit down to dinner with my daughters and look at the empty chairs at the table, and wish that she and her boys were there. I invited her over for dinner a couple of times, but she always explained that her kids were too cranky. I said, 'I'm used to cranky kids, mine have to wake up at 5:30 for school, its not a problem!", but I knew that it was because she was at home in the evenings, cooking for and eating with her husband and their kids.

 

Now, its gonna get really dramatic! Can you believe I'm still going?!? Here comes the break-up!

 

So one night in October 2010, we were together at her house, and I had every intention of going home and not sleeping with her, but she encouraged me to come upstairs. I was still struggling with the sex side of it, and I said, "I think I'm stressed out because a) you're married, b) in my marriage, sex was the only thing that functioned at a high level throughout, and c) this relationship isn't fulfilling for me (because she wouldn't engage with my family). Anyways, we talked about it for a while, and eventually had intercourse for the first time, which was wonderful for both of us. I remember, afterwards, we were sitting across from each other in chairs on her porch, with our feet in each others laps, both grinning at each other, both with eyes shining, and I just felt like I was completely head over heels in love with this woman, and I couldn't believe that my life had taken this incredible, fortunate turn, and that I had a chance to have family again, with a woman so intelligent, beautiful, and who I respected so very much. This was the tip-top of the relationship rollercoaster.

 

We went back to bed, and woke up about six a.m., before her kids woke up, and I was preparing to get ready to leave (something I was uncomfortable with the whole time, sneaking out in the morning, it made me feel like I was doing something terribly wrong) She proposed that I sort of go outside for a while, and once the kids were up, stage an happenstance arrival, to be invited in for coffee and breakfast. I decided that I'd rather sneak out, since I was already uncomfortable hiding my feelings for her in front of the kids, and I didn't want to start my relationship with her kids out with all this play-acting and lies (Her older son figured out what I was doing there within 20 minutes of our first park date, and I know kids are too smart too fall for that crap! I wanted them to be able to trust me.)

 

We decided to meet later that morning for another park date, where I would introduce her to my teenage cousin, and her life long girlfriend would be there. She called me later that morning to complain that her husband wanted to take their boys to his soccer game, and that she had to go because, 'she didn't want them riding out there with some random senorita.' Oh, I haven't mentioned that her husband is from mexico, is undocumented, and is on probation for having fled the scene of a DUI accident he had right when we first started seeing each other. I said, 'look, if he can't provide transportation that you feel is safe and reliable for the boys (for some reason bus or taxi was out of the question), then they shouldn't go. If you two are really going to co-parent, he has to pull his own weight, you can't do it all for him." But, she did anyways, and I didn't hear from her again until 5pm, which really upset me, because all I wanted was to bask in each other's glow again. I went to the park with my girls and my cousin and stewed. When she finally called, she said she was on a walk with her friend. I was pretty short with her, for the first time ever, and said I'd call her back later. When I called back that night, I said, 'look, you flaked on me pretty hard today, and that really hurt, especially since I just told you last night that I was struggling with feeling unfulfilled. Why didn't you just let me know you couldn't make it?' She explained that she had invited her husband back to her house for lunch after the soccer game (grrr), and that he had perceived that she was especially tired and happy that day, became jealous, demanded to know what was going on, to which she replied, 'stay out of my personal life' and left the room, he went into her phone, discovering text messages that indicated she had had a sleep over the night before with another man. He stormed out at that point, and she had gotten together her friend to talk it over. I said, 'this is what I was talking about, this is why is was important to me that you be honest with him!'.

 

She called me the next morning right after I dropped my girls off at school and reported that her husband had gone out that night, gotten completely wasted, and terrorized her with screaming, threatening phone calls every twenty minutes. He threatened to kill her. He threatened to kill me. He threatened to kill himself. Worst, he threatened to just up and abandon the kids, which he clearly knew was her worst fear. I couldn't believe it, I was outraged that he would react like that. I completely understood that he had been hurt, that he had been under the impression that he was working his way back into the marriage, and that all the time and care she was giving him reinforced that, and that all of that had been terribly shattered by finding out by surprise about me. But, man, kill the mother of your children? Abandon your kids? Dude, where are your priorities?

 

She took it all relatively seriously, I made some recommendations about finding out if she could get a restraining order, which we both could have, I recommended that she alert the daycare center that there was a potentially dangerous situation on that day, which she did. We talked it over at a coffee shop, I offered support, but made clear that I found his behavior unacceptable, that its one thing to think about those kinds of things, and quite another to vocalize them. I said that the only step he had yet to take was to act on one of those threats. She seemed to think that his threats were insincere, and that he was blowing off steam, except for the one about abandoning the kids. She continued to confide new things to me that indicated that she was unable to let go of him, let go of the caretaking, and let him figure out whether he wanted to be a father, and what kind of role he wanted in his kids life, on his own

 

We talked that night, and I described to her how emotionally exhausted this was all making me, that I hadn't felt like this since the end of my marriage, and that that was the darkest time of my life. I asked her how it made her feel, and she said it made her feel 'safe.' This is point where it finally dawned on me that this thing was not going to work. Maybe she just said that to make me feel like a pussy, but I was not the man in her life acting cowardly, that much is sure. I stewed about the whole thing the day at work, and worked myself into quite a mood. I felt my heart breaking, I was angry at her for not doing anything to prevent this ugliness, even though I had warned her, and I began to form a theory (which I've clung to to this day, though I may just be making it up) that this was all just some crazy generational co-dependant/abusive cycle that they were in, and that his rage and impulsiveness was what love feels like to her.

 

So, that night I gave her an ultimatum. I said, look I'm in a crazy emotional place, because there's an abuser in my life again, your husband. I don't know what you need to do to heal all these things you've been confiding in me (and I gave her a list, kind of a brutal thing to do, but it was all her own self-analysis), but if this relationship is going to work long term, you need to get going on it now. I also said that if the relationship was going to work short term, she needed to find some time to spend with me that was healthy for me (at this point, we were only seeing each other one morning a week for breakfast and a walk (during my normal work hours), and late Saturday nights, and that I couldn't continue to sacrifice income and sleep just to see her (kindergarten massively changed my sleep habits, and I was struggling to make that adjustment, even without staying up all night on sat.), and that she had to get real about her divorce and being honest with her husband. I told her that it felt like she was living a double life, a romantic one with me that she was using to power her family life with her husband, which was based on deceptions and lies, even of her own children. I made it clear that I wanted to do it with her, that I didn't want to end the relationship, but that something had to give. She was, in turn, outraged with me, and told me she was 'appalled with my process.'

 

We took a few days off, no calls, no texts, and we met eventually at a coffee shop to talk. She said that I had 'broken her trust,' 'that there had been a power switch,' and that I had failed in my promise to 'have her back.' She also insinuated that I was sheltered, was overreacting to her husbands threats, and that I was confusing my own failed marriage with her situation.

 

I replied that maybe I am sheltered, but I intend to give my girls that same shelter, which I already failed at once, and wasn't going to risk again. I said that I couldn't be in love with someone who wouldn't engage with my family, because that was my whole life. I said I was seeing red flags, the kind I ignored when I got together with my wife (who also had a very troubled childhood, was unwilling or unable to address and resolve her issues in a proactive way), that I wouldn't ignore again. I acknowledged that my marriage had been a traumatic experience, and that it was possible I was switching back into the mode of thinking I used to get out of it, that my coping mechanism for abusive behavior was basically, 'establish some boundaries, even harsh ones, put the kids first, get them away from the behavior'

 

She said she wanted to take a month off, and that she would contact me to have a 'check-in' at that point. Oh, and my sex drive and appetite came roaring back at this point. I lost 20 pounds during this relationship!

 

If only I had stuck to my guns! I recognize that I may have been overly harsh, and that it was a terribly difficult and scary few days for her already, but I was really hurt, feeling completely betrayed, and I never got angry or intentionally hurtful. I still think to this day that I was the only one of the three of us that had a reasonable, responsible reaction to that scenario. I couldn't believe that she went from 'i love you' to 'I don't want to see or hear from you for a month' in the span of three days! The relationship rollercoaster went from tip-top to rock bottom in shockingly rapid fashion. I had never seen anything like it.

 

Instead, I was crushed. I went through serious oxytocin (the love hormone) withdrawal. I was physically sick for two days! I ached. I was completely lovesick. I had never had my heart broken like this before, I hadn't even been dumped since tenth grade. I thought that I hadn't been completely out of line, but here was this wonderful woman who I loved, who loved me, and she told me I had betrayed her. I felt like I had had a complete breakdown in empathy for her situation. I really beat myself up.

 

I erased all of her contact information from my phone, I was sure that I'd break down and beg for forgiveness, but I was sure that if this thing had to end, it was best that it end now, even though it hurt so much. I wanted to respect her request for space too, I really wondered at times if I had been completely in the wrong.

 

A week later, on my birthday, she sent me a text message, basically, 'i really miss you' and a sincere happy birthday. I replied briefly that I missed her too, and thanks for the birthday wishes. I wanted to take some action, make a fight for her, but when I tried to write a letter, I couldn't figure out what to say without completely giving up on my position that things had to change. Another week went by, and the day after Halloween I got another 'i miss you' message after I was asleep, with a photo of her older son in his costume attached. This killed me, I had spend the whole trick or treating time with my kids wishing that she and her boys were with us. I wrote back that I wanted to send her an email, but I needed her address (because I had deleted it). I sent her a very heartfelt message, describing my grief and my aching, my desire to respect her no contact request, and asking her to not contact me until she was ready to talk, because the 'i miss you' without an 'i want to see you' was too painful. She wrote back a very short, 'thank you for this.'

 

I didn't hear from her for about two weeks at that point, a friend who works with her told me there was hope, that she was establishing a better arrangement for her husband to visit the kids. Eventually, after the month date had passed, I wrote her that I needed some form of communication at that point. She called me and explained that she was 'very busy' but would get together with me soon. Every contact we had over the next few days, she mentioned how busy she was. To me, that means someone is trying to avoid you.

 

Eventually after more than a week of that, she came to my house to talk. We caught up for a few minutes on everyday stuff, then I said flatly, "so, will I see you again after this talk?" I wanted it straight up, direct. She motioned for me to come over, and began kissing and hugging me, we ended up on the sofa, lying together , she was talking about how my analysis (i thought that she meant that things had to change, of course, but she was unspecific, and I now realize she must have meant that she was using me) had been right, and that she was working on a better arrangement with her husband, and that she was taking steps to heal the things she had been confiding in me. I was encouraged, it seemed like she was taking what I had said seriously, was making the changes needed for us to be together. But, of course, she then said that 'I was the piece of the puzzle that didn't fit', she even said some really cold hearted things like, 'its nice to not have you my life now, I have time to go to the gym,' no, seriously, she said that. As if she was going to the gym on Thursday mornings and late Saturday nights, it seemed far more likely that she was going to the gym when her kids were with their dad at his place, instead of cooking dinner for him at her place. She clearly did not share the same attachment I had with her, because I never could have reduced her to a mere puzzle piece... I was so confused. She proposed that we be friends, which I said probably wouldn't work, I had more feelings for her than that. Anyways, I wished her luck, and she left.

 

As I lay in bed that night though, I couldn't accept it, she had been telling me she loved me, she seemed to be doing the things needed to end her marriage and get ready for me, she clearly still had affection for me.

 

So, I decided to make a fight, I wrote a truly lovely letter describing what she meant for me, how I understood that she needed time to resolve her divorce, but that our connection was something special for me, and worth finding a way to maintain. I attached a necklace, one that was perfect for her style. She wrote texted me that she had, 'read my letter a hundred times, and I really want to talk.' I was encouraged.

 

She came back, and it was the same story, with no kissing and hugging this time. She explained that she thought that her husband had hit rock bottom, and that they were in parenting counciling, and that he was taking it seriously for the first time, that she was worried about what would happen to her kids if she died, and that she needed to establish a co-parenting relationship with him now, strike while the iron was hot. Maybe I'm totally wrong about this, but it sounded exactly like the honeymoon part of an abuse cycle to me, "he's changed," and all that. I didn't say that though, I really haven't been able to communicate to her directly about his outburst and what it indicates about his priorities since her harsh reaction to my ultimatum, to this day. I've even stooped to saying some pretty passive aggressive crap, like, 'i guess we just have opposite reactions to that type of behavior.' Yikes.

 

Maybe this whole co-dependant/abuser dynamic that I identified in their relationship is just some conspiracy theory I've built to explain why this all happened to me, I don't have any idea.

 

Anyways, after that second meeting, I finally had the whole thing break over me, and I accepted that this woman just wasn't going to be a part of my life, for whatever reason. I still hurt and miss her though, and its been six months since my ultimatum.

 

Over the next few weeks, I wrote a couple emails to her, basically gutting myself over again, I just couldn't believe that she meant so much to me, and that I was so devastated, and that she clearly cared somewhat for me too, but didn't really miss a beat. She never engaged with what I was saying, not even really acknowledging that I had said it. After a couple of those, I decided that I wasn't going to be that clingy, desperate ex who contacted her in inappropriate ways any more.

 

That's when she started taking the lead on contacting me. She would write me these 'updates' about her life and her kids, and asking about my life and kids. She was so casual, and I couldn't be, so I had to take a bunch of time to reply and edit out all the weird stuff I was writing. Eventually around new years, she sent me a text saying 'hi,' and I mentioned that she still had yet to return a laptop I had lent her household, and she proposed that we meet up to exchange it. I had been up all night the night before because my furnace had burned out and I was trying to keep the pipes from freezing, and I was totally exhausted. Still, I slept for probably 45 minutes that next night, just running scenarios through my mind, 'what if she says this? what if she says that?" I wrote her the next day, in full freak out mode, and said I just couldn't get together with her, I was still in love, and lusting for her, and couldn't pretend to be friends. I said I didn't want to have any contact for a while, and made a plan to not talk to her until her birthday, almost four months later. She wrote me an email two weeks later. I tried to ignore it, but I just couldn't, I didn't want to come off as a jerk or something, I was still obsessed about what she thought of me. I then began to notice that every time I took a step further back from her, she would contact me more frequently. She returned the laptop through a third party, and included a note. It was an attempt to give me a sincere good bye, and let me know what the relationship meant for her, but she was still not being direct, was talking around things, and it left me feeling totally empty. It was on a greeting card with an ice cream cone on the front! Ouch! I read it a few times and threw it away. I wanted some core truth, "I love you, but I just can't" or "I don't love you, and never did" something real! I wouldn't have cared if it was negative or brutal, I was just fed up with stuff that sounded like rationales and excuses. She has never said a single word about how she feels about me, good or bad, since that last night we spent together. She's just said weird, indirect things to indicate how little I meant to her or something, yet she gives other indirect signs that she still cares. Maybe this is just what its like when you're heartbroken, you read everything positive into what you get, and you think all the rest is BS....

 

Eventually, I got into another relationship, sort of a rebound I'm ashamed to admit, with a wonderful, caring, woman who liked me a whole lot. I was still too tortured with this last one to really get too far into it, and I had let my terrible mood interfere with all the day to day responsibilities that my life requires so I was just generally not prepared to share my life with someone. I ended it when she started asking to sleep over every night....

 

While I was seeing this other woman, my MW contacted asking to get together to talk, but in a weird sort of way, so I asked her to clarify what she wanted to talk about, and she replied that she had been regretting how 'lame' (her word) her good bye card had been, that her feelings and emotions were unfreezing, and that she wanted to complete some of the thoughts she had left unfinished before. I declined, I just wanted the whole thing to go away, fade away, I could read the signs clearly enough, but wanted to believe the opposite, and was just done spending energy on it.

 

After the rebound, though, I found that she was back on my mind, I was still trying to puzzle out just what had happened. So, I proposed that we meet after all, if she thought it would help me close this chapter of my life. She, understandably, couldn't promise anything. After we exchanged a few texts, it was clear that I just didn't trust her, or trust myself around her, or both. She called me the next day, and I said as much, and we talked for a while, I still couldn't really talk directly about anything, but I did say that I just needed to say a final good bye. When I hung up the phone, a huge wave of relief washed over me. That was about three weeks ago, and every day I feel better and better. I feel my self-esteem and identity coming back finally.

 

I still think about her every day though, and I woke up this morning at 3:30 and wrote out a never to be sent email, which I haven't done in a long time. I can't figure out why this still won't go away, but I'm confident that things are getting better...

 

I know that its my fault for letting myself get into all of that, and that I was in serious denial about what was happening. I was believing words (about 90 percent of which said it was going to happen) and ignoring actions (about 90 percent of which said she was still very committed to her marriage), I wasn't listening to my body, and I wasn't talking it over with the people in my life who care about me, until it all blew up, when I couldn't stop talking about it.

 

Anyways, this has been nice to type it all out, long form, I hope I haven't bored anybody!