Is this normal for guys to do... while I'm burdened with pain and struggles just for

[aroseInLove]

I've been abused in marriage; I divorced after my 2nd baby, raised my family alone, and took care of my dying parents totaling 20 yrs. before I began dating just two years ago.

 

Men have NOT changed too much in 20 years. No Offense, Guys, Please. It's just that the struggles ARE still the same, however.

 

My dating, that began 2 yrs. ago, consisted of 3 very short-term "pig-liars-cheats," and this ONE beautiful GEM. I pray to God every day that what we share is REAL. I trust him implicitly. I fear how he reacts to me.

 

I've been with him for over one yr. now. He says he wants to marry me...someday -- never mentions when...though he wants me to sell my house in the next few months. He plans a move for himself, and wants me to join him as soon as he finds his dream - another ocean-front house for both of us to live in, which is approx. 500 miles away. (My girls are in grad school - one is married and they both live in diff. states.

 

I am impacting no one with this move if I go. He's putting in bids now, and the move would happen in approx. 4 months. He says he loves me, and wants me for the rest of his life, and that's vice-versa as well. If this is REAL he is a true miracle to me.

 

That's the background story. Now the problem: He doesn't always return calls, he promises calls and dates that don't come to be, he blocks me on IM. His reasons are that he's busy, or tired. I've panicked trying to reach him when things have gone wrong in my world, and he knows from countless messages through one or 2-day combined periods of time that I'm at that panicked stage. I don't understand how he loves me yet seems uncaring, as he still ignores me as I suffer for so long.

 

I am wondering if this is REAL. I cry, I over-eat, I can't sleep. All the while, at his end, never ever calling to touch base with me as I near begged him on msgs. He shuts off the ringer on all phones, and on his cell phone, and goes peacefully to sleep.

 

IF THIS WAS IN REVERSE, I'd walk on glass or hot fiery rocks to help him through ANY burden, small or large. He lives one state away - too many miles away. Finally, when I do speak with him he acts as if it was harmless - says he was tired, or busy, again and again and again.

 

I trust that he's not a cheat. He's a beautiful soul. He thinks I'm exaggerated from too many years alone, and from being abused. Just this one downfall of uncaring puts me back into my uncaring lifetime of how men just 'write-off' my suffering - my need to communicate - as I struggle in life alone as if I have no one.

 

I'm so in love with this beautiful man but I am so scared. Is this normal for guys to do? While I'm burdened with pain and struggles, that just the sound of his voice would put me at ease? Please, help me understand this man I love so very much.

 

Your answers would help him and me...please.

[dartchik]

Men don't realize just how rude they can be,,,that is a general thing for ALL men.What they think is trivial,,,we feel it the end.He sounds like he needs a talking to.Does he understand your feelings on this matter?Do you bug him all the time??Most men are insensitive and us woman are the opposite,,we care TO MUCH,,,they take that for granted mostly.

[jclorenzo]

How do you know he blocks you from IM?

[aroseInLove]

Thank you for your response.. I am so very careful of when I call him.. I do not bug him.. I make certain he realizes it's importance, that though msg. is not life-threatening, he knows I really DO need that call from him.. We have talk about this.. again.. he says.. he's busy.. or tired.. figuring it could wait to the next day... But even the dates that get blown off for his things to do.. happens more often than not.. I want to talk with him tonight .. he promises to call when he gets home from work.. When I question OUR relationship.. he says .. You know I love you to death, please don't go there... so I don't... ..There is NO ONE that could talk to him on my behalf... We're both forty-somethings in different states..

[aroseInLove]

Several reasons I know I'm blocked on IM from this love of my life.... First, we both have AOL... On AOL, when you sign on buddy name appears in buddy list.. then to block .. you immediately see the name in (parens) .. like he logged off.. YET while I'm STILL on line.. I SEE the JUST reads a message of mine and I get a return receipt.... so he IS still on line.. I'm just blocked... ALSO, If I call his house he has the AOL ans. service that confirms he IS on LINE yet I can't see him.. because I'm blocked... I NEVER questioned him as to why.. I feel that's his choice in live.. his privacy is everything to me.. .. maybe be he's buying airline tickets or something and ..who know.. .. it's just that it hurts... and most esp. hurts when I'm in that panicked stage and he STILL does that.. like last night...

[UCFKevin]

Men don't realize just how rude they can be,,,that is a general thing for ALL men.

 

A-f'ing-men.

[aroseInLove]

If this true .. that men don't realize just how rude they can be... that general thing for ALL men... why do I see so much kindness in him towards others..

 

First, which I would expect nothing less and I'm so proud of him for it, but to his out-of-state Mom, IF that 'panicked' call was from his Mom, he would have been on the next plane at her doorstep... .. IF that 'panicked' call was from his daughter that breaks his heart from college routinely and doesn't wish to see him when she's in town, he'd do the same... For his friends, there is no end to his sacrificing of time and labor... It's just not there for me... But do you think maybe it will? Someday?

 

Objectively, is there something I can do to make him realize this needs 'repair' in our world as 'one'... for me to stand a chance that this kind soul will grow to love my heart the same way? Or, objectively, do you think this will not change.. that it's person-related and to me.. I'd be the person who won't be at that heightened responsive heart as I see he is to others... I would suffer for days and days of my life.. all because of 'this' kind of thing.. Is there any hope for me..

 

Does anyone have any words I can say to him to help either him 'fix' this or me .. not care.. not panic? Please help…

[dartchik]

Really sounds to me like you just said it all!!From your last reply you seem to have no worries.I wasn't saying HE is rude,,,mainly GUYS(In general) do rude things that we think are huge they think is nothing...we as woman at times over reacts.You just stated alot of things good about him and your feelings towards him.With it being a long distant relationship you really cant doubt what he is doing or feeling,,,he says he is tired,,,he said he is busy,,,maybe he isn't just blowing you off maybe things like this really is happening and without his control.Maybe he don't see what's going on the way you feel it..also sounds like a good guy with a nice heart.Just tell him your feelings just to keep a form of communication open and understanding between you to.I'm sure you have no worries...just relax and listen to what he has to say and have him listen to you.I hope the best for you and hope you two really work it all out.

[aroseInLove]

Yes he may be extremely busy.. but what about his knowing via earlier phone messages and emails (earlier receipted by him) that I do NEED him.. that I’m in sheer panic.. and he STILL stays on line over an hour.. STILL shuts off all phones… STILL doesn’t respond to my troubled world.. and goes peacefully to bed.. to work.. etc.

 

All the while, his shutting ME off literally shakes the foundation I stand on and the pressure to reach him continues to increase.. thinking maybe I CAN get him to listen to me.. to help me..

 

Yes, this wonderful soul may be extremely busy.. .. but he’s on line for over an hour during my panic… he's on the phone with friends and doesn't click over .. hours and days go by knowing I’m in sheer panic.. is there something I can say to him to make him realize this needs 'repair' in our world as 'one'...

[dartchik]

do you think maybe he don't respond well to troubled situations as this..maybe he is scared to here what the problem is?maybe some reassurance that you two are ok,,just need some emotional comfort...What do you think?

[Arabess]

I'm not sure it's just a 'male problem'. In the date world....people make assessments. Early on, there are people with heavy baggage and they get crossed off the list. I don't know if I consider that as being unfair. It just means you haven't found the right guy who fills what you need and want.

 

I have two kids who are practically teens. Would that stop some guys from getting in too deep??? YOU BET! I don't even blame them. If I met a man who had my problems.....I too would step back and think about it twice.

 

So, don't write off all guys. Wait for the right one.

[aroseInLove]

No, because I told him briefly in phone and email messages as to WHY I needed him.. 1st, was I needed his help to talk through an on-going problem regarding someone that's made moves and has been stalking me at my gym for about 7 months now which he has helped me with in the past (esp. he's a police lieutenant and knows the laws).. 2nd issue in those messages was I needed help on job change location that needed a decision made that is relevant to his desire to move.. 3rd issue was that it's 2 days away from Easter Sunday and he still makes no mention of seeing me this holiday weekend and I was embarrassed to have no answer for my out-of-state girls who were both asking me to arrange dinner with him and them at any time over the weekend...

 

I don't want to burden him.. but I can’t suffer for no reason and not have him for what seems critical to me.. I need to share life with him.. and items like these over 2 days.. is such a struggle for me to understand .. I just know if I don't make the right words to say to him tonight, he may get disgusted in that I'm over-sensitive.. which he HAS mentioned in the past that when I'm over-sensitive.. I need to 'chill' .. it draws him further away..

Am I asking too much ..pls. help.. You and anyone with words of help all are so very appreciated.. Thank you... rose

[magda]

You say you have a habit of picking bad guys - what's different about this one? How did you meet him? How often do you get to spend time with him?

 

Personally, I only ignore people that annoy me. If someone I love needs something, I will bend over backwards, like you mentioned. I'm sorry to say that it seems like you're right - that he doesn't love you. And... because he doesn't, it's just making you more hysterical and pained (the crying, the over-eating, the phone calls, the text message begging). The more his lack of love hurts you, the more you react irrationally. The more validation you need just to function normally in the relationship, the more of a burden you seem to him & the less he will love you. This is my opinion based on experience. It sucks, but that's the way it often works. It's really hard not to freak out when you notice someone doesn't love you... but if he loved you and would be a good spouse, you both would support each other. The way things stand, you're not in a position to be supporting him because he doesn't even seem to confide in you much. My man doesn't live closeby, either, but I don't "think he's busy" I know he's busy because he tells me all about what's going on. He doesn't "promise to call after work" he always calls me every night.

 

It really sounds like you're being duped, hun. Days aren't supposed to go by. People you care about at all do not get ignored for days and dismissed as exaggerating. Maybe you were exaggerating, it doesn't matter - if he loved you he'd try and help you or get you help. Otherwise, you don't turn your back on a person you love. Which brings to mind the issue of why you are having panic attacks your 'troubled world'; you talk about the abuse in your past, your history of bad relationships.. I think that it would be a good idea to vent to your friends or to a qualified professional instead of this man. It will save your sane moments for him, if you choose to stay involved.

 

I really don't tlike the sound of this thing. You don't get involved with someone (especially sell your house and move in with them in a different state) that you hope will someday love you. You do that kind of thing becaue they already do love you. And.. it doesn't really sound like you're a very big part of his life. You have no one to talk to him on your behalf, does that mean you haven't any mutual friends? Have you met many of his friends?

 

He seems slimy. Don't sell your house. Vacation at HIS house, sure, but that sounds pretty sketchy so until you are sure where you stand don't do anything permanent like that. When you say he wants to live with you, does that mean that you're gonig to buy the house together? You can do better than that guy.

[average guy]

I'll open a can of worms here and adrees one word you mentioned - police. Your man is already married - to his job. You will never be more urgent than whatever he may be dealing with at work (and his work is 24/7). I think you need to approach your relationship with this clearly in mind. He may be wonderful, etc. but you will have to learn to live with him being "unreachable" if you want to stay with him. Maybe you can find a therpist or someone else to help you with some of your emotional issues so you are not so reliant on him for help in that area

 

good luck, and if he doean't respond to your urgent calls about the stalker, call the police station directly and let them deal with it officially

 

best of luck

[magda]

You will never be more urgent than whatever he may be dealing with at work (and his work is 24/7). I think you need to approach your relationship with this clearly in mind. He may be wonderful, etc. but you will have to learn to live with him being "unreachable" if you want to stay with him.

It's certainly true that a police officer has a police mentality at all times, and is not going to be able to answer many personal calls while on-duty, but being completely unavailable to people in life is not requisite for being in that profession. In my experience, a cop is a hundred times more protective of the people they love than most people because of all that they have seen.

[aroseInLove]

As for the gym stalker, it was reported to management at the gym; they'll throw him out and next step is police. For now, that's where that stands and I needed my guy as the ordeal was overwhelming.

 

As for him being married to the 'police' job, even if he is, as police retire young, he's near done; that's why the move is taking place.

 

I KNOW he has it in him to BE "reachable" ..if I can only find the words to make him understand and follow through.. as last post from 'magda' says..

 

The more validation needed just to function normally in the relationship, the more of a burden I DO seem to him ... .

 

He does confide in me.. but it's not always the day-to-day stuff going on... He never has that much time to talk..When he does call, he tells me how he misses me.. loves me... how I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.. how he never had 'this' before either... that he wants me for the rest of his life... and we talk about our dreams..

 

.. 'magda' 's man doesn't live close by, either but she doesn't "think he's busy" she KNOWS it because he tells her all about what's going on and doesn't "promise to call after work" he always calls her every night.... I would GIVE THE WORLD for that 'magda' you are so very blessed...

 

Does everyone writing agree?.. Am I being 'duped'… by this wonderful soul? Why would he dupe me if he is otherwise near a saint... He's become a miracle to me...

 

With those feelings, I appreciate and AM filing it in my mind though WISH to not fully digest 'magda' 's words at this moment in time... Am I making a mistake? NOT that I choose to be blinded.. My eyes ARE open.. I'm just holding out for HOPE and prayer and strength.. and the right words to convey to him consider..

 

I truly love this man.. and believe this is HUGE... and it is torture to fathom the mere thought of 'moving on' without him... I am not only IN love with this man, I know and see he has qualities I've never seen in ANY man.. He literally takes my breath away aside from this one horrific issue I wish so hard to find help for...

 

I DO want to stay with him... What do I say tonight when he calls.. Nothing? Something? Can anyone help me make the 'right' words.. rather than let this 'go'? This is a repeated happening in our relationship.. while all else is greater than perfect.. and more than I ever dreamed would happen to me in my lifetime..

[aroseInLove]

I'm signing off in a few minutes for his call.. He'll be calling soon... I think... I'll say nothing unless he mentions it... but just for now.. while I find the right words... to be able to guide me thru how he’ll respond.. I'll check back tomorrow and share.. I just joined tonight for my problem and must say I am so very impress… I love this site.. I feel I have friends... I feel everyone's answers to everyone in need is a true 'gift' in life.. God bless everyone who cares to share... who cares to listen... ..who cares to reach out and help... Perspectives are ideas that might never otherwise entered one's troubled or inquisitive mind; they can strengthen and mold a broken heart... You are all angels..

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by aroseInLove

Does everyone writing agree?.. Am I being 'duped'… by this wonderful soul? Why would he dupe me if he is otherwise near a saint... He's become a miracle to me... ...

 

I truly love this man.. and believe this is HUGE... and it is torture to fathom the mere thought of 'moving on' without him...

 

..I DO want to stay with him forever... He did call as promised.. says he loves me to death.. I didn't have the right words to deal with his avoiding me.. .. so I said nothing..

 

Rather than let this 'go' as it is a repeated happening in our relationship.. while all else is greater than perfect.. and more than I ever dreamed would happen to me in my lifetime.. this is truly ripping my heart out.. Can anyone help me make the 'right' words for him to BE "reachable" and truly caring if I am in need of hearing from him or seeing him for any reason..keeping in mind.. never to be abused.. or pressured...

[clia]

He doesn't always return calls, he promises calls and dates that don't come to be, he blocks me on IM. His reasons are that he's busy, or tired. I've panicked trying to reach him when things have gone wrong in my world, and he knows from countless messages through one or 2-day combined periods of time that I'm at that panicked stage. I don't understand how he loves me yet seems uncaring, as he still ignores me as I suffer for so long.

 

It sounds like he sometimes gets tired of your drama. I can think of no other explanation except annoyance for him blocking you on IM and not calling.

 

Do you two have fun together? Do you laugh a lot? Or is the time you talk and spend together overshadowed by your "struggles," "suffering," and "concerns"?

 

No, because I told him briefly in phone and email messages as to WHY I needed him.. 1st, was I needed his help to talk through an on-going problem regarding someone that's made moves and has been stalking me at my gym for about 7 months now which he has helped me with in the past (esp. he's a police lieutenant and knows the laws)..

 

Talk to a girlfriend. Talk to a therapist. Get on the internet and research the laws yourself.

 

2nd issue in those messages was I needed help on job change location that needed a decision made that is relevant to his desire to move..

 

Okay.

 

3rd issue was that it's 2 days away from Easter Sunday and he still makes no mention of seeing me this holiday weekend and I was embarrassed to have no answer for my out-of-state girls who were both asking me to arrange dinner with him and them at any time over the weekend...

 

You make plans with your two out of state girls WITHOUT him...enjoy your time with your girls!

 

I don't want to burden him..

 

I'm sorry to say this, but based on his reaction it sounds like you do.

 

but I can’t suffer for no reason and not have him for what seems critical to me..

 

But is everything critical for you? Easter dinner is not critical. Not knowing whether you have plans with him does not equate to "suffering" in my book.

 

You really sound as though you are extremely dependent on him to help you through every molehill or mountain that you encounter. While yes, significant others should be there and be supportive, perhaps you should look to find another network of support, such as girlfriends, your daughters, a therapist, etc. HE cannot help you with every little thing that goes wrong--he has a life, too! Or maybe you need to look inside yourself and figure out why you can't deal with things on your own.

[aroseInLove]

I don't want to burden him ever.. so maybe I DO need to re-valuate ME right now...

 

We do have so much fun.. we dance.. go hiking.. swimming.. we laugh.. and never realized it, but we never talk about any issues when we are out having fun.. Not intentionally, but as I reflect on all our dates we just love life... and each other..

 

Also, just an FYI; my suffering, was never the issues.. my suffering is NOT reaching him/his not responding... Maybe he just can't deal with it after a rough day of police work.. Poor guy.. I AM sabatoging this relationship it seems.. ..

 

I'm very new at this relationship deal for a 48 y/o, this is the 6th guy I've dated in my lifetime.. He's the 1st guy in my life that is not only a beautiful soul but also 1st in how I'm so respected and so loved... So, maybe that's my downfall.. Maybe knowing I'm so very truly cared about.. been with him a year now.. wants me for the rest of his life he says.. it sort of gave me 'permission' in my mind to share whatever DRAMA/CRAP was hapenning in my world on a day-to-day basis.. thinking he's my man.. ..my partner.... he's a part of me.. he's part of this... So, this seems to be my answer.. it's ME.. not him.. Thank you.. I WILL cut back.. But let's say I DO find other ways to vent.. and the day comes I DO need him.. and he still doesn't respond for over a day.. what do I say then?

[nikkilove]

I don't like the idea of him blocking you from IM or not returning calls.....if this is his 0nly vice however.........I don't know.......I'm still not liking that he does that.......why? If you are the love of his life, why would he cut you off if you need him? I admit, my husband doesn't always call when he says he will, and I've learned to trust that things happen and he does get busy.........sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and believe that. However, if days go by and you need him without being able to get ahold of him.......I'd be concerned. Sometimes those nagging feelings are your intuition telling you to pay attention.......sometimes the best thing to do in this type of situation is back off and not be so available..........leave him wondering a little.......some people say that's game playing.....but I dont' think so..........it's letting men do what they are programmed to do: the thrill of the chase, the competition, the working for your affection. This is not to sound sexist, I just really believe in playing by the rules of courtship. Don't be so available. I'm not sure I would sell my house unless there was a committment.....just doesn't sound smart, unless you have a plan of what will happen if things don't work out.....personally, I'd keep my house and go visit him at his unless you were married, definately don't combine any type of finances unless theres committment of marriage, no reason to. I'm married and I still have my own assets. I hope things work out.

[aroseInLove]

As for the IM, I think he blocks EVERYONE for peace to do whatever he does.. looking at properties, etc. in a limited window of time, and i THINK he shuts everyone out.. not just me.. though, when it seems endless that I can't get through, insecurites mount.. and my trust seems to fade.. though I'd never convey it to him, but I fear sometimes the worst.. that he's looking elsewhere..

 

As for the phone, if he doesn't click over, I think he's talking to someone official at work.. etc.. though, again, when it seems endless that I can't get through, trust fades, insecurites mount.. I fear he's talking to a female..

 

The prior post was powerful.. maybe her point s/b taken.. he's burned out... maybe he can't deal with whatever drama is going on in my world after his drama from 12-hour shifts in a high-criminal/fast-paced NY life.. so MAYBE he's entitled? I certainly don't think so when I'm trying and I SEE he's ON LINE no less.. but this might have merit.

But

The thrill of the chase HAS entered my mind many times.. as he KNOWS he's got me.. but that's because he doesn't have the insecurity I have as I DO return ALL his calls ...and immediately on receipt.. and I move mountains to make myself available.. but for some reason.. my heart won't let me give him that 'challenge' even if I set out to..

 

As for the moving ... He says 'when we're married ...... ' but he never says when.. that 'when' will occur.. yet the move is coming closer and closer.. I can't bring myself to bring 'marriage' up.. IF he wants to marry me, he's going to initiate it, not me.. for sure.. so I'm hoping that WILL happen first.. but that's another issue.. how to tell him I need a commitment first without his proposal happenning ..as it sure is leaning in that direction.

 

One LAST vice he has.. is that he breaks dates... Sometimes it's work-related.. or medical appt. ..fillings fall out.. there's always a 'good reason'.. then, the next thing I know.. he has a day or two off that he was granted for working so many hours.. and by surprise to me as I find out when he calls me on those days.. and I know he's at home.. but I wonder why he didn't make UP for the last date(s) he broke .. he always is so very busy.. I've never seen anything like his level of busy in my life!

 

OTHER than this set of what seems like MY HELL.. that I just may need to re-evalute ME as prior post says... this man means the world to me.. I believe we are BOTH so very in love.. despite these vices.. We DO have fun.. we have a great heart connection.. great physical connection... beautiful talks... We NEVER EVER argue.. there is NEVER negativity.. NO disrespect... The harshest thing he's EVER said to me .. was to 'chill''... Does that paint a picture? This will never be a ME vs. HIM... I want for him and for me.. always.. I just never want to burden him... esp. if it's ME... and MY insecurities... not cutting this guy enough slack...

[DancesWithWolves]

Hi,

 

You ladies are very admirable in many ways. With every post from every individuals, a lot of my point of views are covered through reading them. But let's give it a little twist in this topic, because I used to do that with my woman, and I have also talked with my friends who also does the same thing with their women, and so on and so fourth.

 

Let me tell you a little about my personality and also my woman's...

 

I am extremely independent. I have many ambitions in life and I have always relied on myself first before relying on others. I am very passionate about my love life and I like to say that I cherish my special woman as well. But all this was *AFTER* she left me. Before we got separated, I used to care a very little about her... She would always look forward 'til the end of the day to call me to let me know that she's doing okay and to tell me that she misses me. She was literally head over hills for me and I realized that her love was literally blind and I started to take things for granted.

 

After awhile of talking to each other everyday, I begin to realize that this stuff is getting old and boring. We literally called each other and told each other how our day went and then it would start to become more and more repeatitive day by day. So I had a talk with her telling her that we should lighten up a little bit on the phone conversations. I work A LOT and there are days when I would get so busy and tired that I couldn't deal with it. But that's when I realized that I wasn't being respectful to my woman. She cares about me so much that she wants to include herself into my life as much as possible; and that's why she was doing that. At the same time, I realized that even though my life's been pretty busy lately, I realized that I am still doing the same activities in my daily life. For example, I goto the gym for 2 hours every other day, surf the web a little every day, walk the dog; I'm basicially doing everything that I am doing for myself, except for the fact that I'm busy with work so I decided to subconsciously push out my girlfriend a bit...

 

Now I am not dumb, and I know how this is truly wrong, but why did I do it? As much as I hate to admit this, this was what my reasoning was... I knew it would be the same old speech everytime we talked every night. But she was extremely considerate by keeping the conversations short. I respected her for that and I even made an extra effort, but as more days pass away, it would be worse and worse; and then I really didn't feel like talking on the phone so much anymore. So we balanced it out and saw each other a little more; made love a little more and then more time went by. And then down the road, she would realize that I was being a jacka$$ and then she dumped me. But the whole time, I was confused... She loves me so much, there would be no way in this world for her to leave me... NO way! But then I had to face reality and then I really started to think about my mistakes so that I can fix them in the best way possible ASAP!

 

So I put myself in her shoes and thought about this very carefully. Then I compared them with my own views and perspectives as to why I did it on her and it all made sense.

 

If I can walk the dog and goto the gym and surf the web on my own time, then why couldn't I call her for 5 minutes when that's all she wanted? Meaning if I don't LOVE walking the dog or LOVE busting my a$$ at the gym, then why couldn't I call her to tell that I loved her when I actually did love her and it would take me 5 minutes tops??? Figuring this part out for me was simple. I DO LOVE HER, IT'S JUST THAT I DON'T LOVE HER BACK EQUALLY AS SHE LOVES ME SO I WAS TAKING IT FOR GRANTED. I did know in fact that it meant a lot for her to hear my voice everyday and I also knew that I could take advantage of this if I needed to someday

...

Now to make this story short, this is what I am exactly saying:

 

If you two don't love each other in a equal level, then it is inevitable that one will become more dominant over another. If this man can't figure out why it is important for you to contact him everyday, then don't even give him the time of the day. Us men, we are also weird creatures like women. We will never know what we had until we lose it. I repeat, WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT WE HAD UNTIL WE LOSE IT.

 

If I were in your shoes, this is what I would do. I would suggest that we take a break for a bit to re-evaluate the value in the relationship so that one can be more certain about exactly what you two have. I am back together with my girlfriend and I love her more than ever, and I would've never goten the picture until she left me. That's the truth. I would be clueless even today if it wasn't for her making the decision to leave me. But if you guys take a break and then he changes into a different person and becomes more distant with you, then you would know exactly how he felt about you before you broke it off with him.

 

I am not suggesting that you two break up. But rather a temporary separation. You have to show him that you are totally capable of living life without him. Because if you can't live without him and he knows that, then there is nothing good in it for you.

 

As a closing statement, I would like to say this: Every individual is special and important in many ways. Now if you have someone special in your heart, then why is it so hard for them to spare 5 minutes of their day which consists of 24hours or 1440 minutes? Did you know that 5 minutes is only .34% (not 3.4%, it's .34%) of their total time that's given in a day? Doesn't that fact make you feel salty knowing that he won't even spare not even 1 percent of his time in a day? If that's the case, then what exactly do you guys have in the first place? When the heart isn't capable of seeing problems, then the numbers and the facts should help him realize this situation more clearly.

 

Sorry for blabbering; I hope this really helps

 

-Dances-/w-Wolves <-- a man who has lost a woman and now he loves her more than ever.

 

PS: It's good to be in love with my lover once again. If I ever lose her again in the future, then I never deserved her love in the first place. Do what makes you happy. But don't give into his foolish games. It's pointless. It'll only get worse.

[nikkilove]

I love what dances-w-wolves had to say....very good points, and I"m glad things worked out for you.

 

I wanted to add, I do agree that he knows he "has" you and has taken you for granted. The only thing you can do at this point is back off a bit. He's done things not deserving of your trust, and you can kick it back a notch until he comes around. YOu seem so nice and giving, and he knows he's got you. The thrill of the chase is gone. Give it back to him.

[Kate]

I am so moved by what I have read here. I don't want to say the wrong thing, as I don't truly know what IS going on. However, I would really like to offer my help. Can I start with a few questions?

 

1. Does he seem too good to be true?

2. Did you fall for him immediately?

3. Does he read a lot of philosophy? Or other books?

4. What is his occupation?

5. Does he appear to be your "rock" sometimes and then other times you don't know if he is coming or going?

6. Are you infatuated with him as well as thinking you love him?

7. Does he give off a vibe of over-confidence, but insist it is genuine and he wants to help others?

8. Is he religious?

 

These are very important questions -- and I'll tell you why. Nevermind my age, background, etc., I am also predisposed to being taken for granted, abused, basically not knowing if I am reacting badly to something for no reason, or if there is simply something bad happening! BUT, about 10 months ago, I received a crash course in a certain type of guy/character. Your guy sounds exactly like what I encountered. The guy I met was charming, very intelligent, loved to appear humble and good-hearted (I REALLY thought and believed he was at that time), was very open about his life (seemingly) and for the first time ever, I was devastatingly attracted to him immediately -- physically, mentally, emotionally, you name it. To make a long story short, the questions I asked you will lend themselves to what I think will give you your answer. (Or I can propose this answer based on the answers to your questions). Here is the long story short: My guy and I had a long-distance. And one one of our visits, I decided to look at his cell phone while he was in the shower. I went through his text messages (I promise you, I highly value privacy, but it must have been in my gut suspicion) and found relationship-like messages between him and another phone number. I copied down the number and confronted him without him knowing anything. I asked if he was dating anyone else, sleeping with anyone else: "NO -- you are the only one". He stared at me dead in the face, was toooo calm and rational. You couldn't make this guy stir if you tried!! Finally I told him what I had done and still...the same, calculated unemotional cold stare. He said, "I'm sorry -- why would I hurt you by telling you I am sleeping with somoeone esle?" I sent him packing and called the number. The girl was incredible -- articulate, smart, nice, you name it. It was creeepy as well...she was like my twin. She could not believe it -- they were in a long-distance relationship for over a year.

 

I am not trying to say that your position is ANYTHING like mine -- I'm trying to give you an example of a man that I put on a god-like pedastal. I was convinced he was heaven sent, my love, my future, everything...it was like I was dreaming. I must say, when you feel like this...all the time, not just during special moments or love-making...it's WRONG. There is something off. Your man may NOT be a completel liar or bad-guy...but he is NOT giving you waht you want -- period. All the infatuation or love you FEEL in the world can not complete you right now. You must confront him solidly with your feelings. Write them down and sit in front of him with them in all confidence. Think about what you deserve and don't relate it to anyone else but yourself. What do you WANT? Sure, you want some of the things he gives you...but do you want to feel the very thing you have hated for years: lack of support, lonely, pushed aside? You need a man who will treat you like a queen, or at least set aside time to talk. Any man who does not "want to go there" and knows it is important to you is doing something wRONG. All I can say is that he is doing something WRONG. And if you look hard enough...in your gut...I can guarentee that you will find it. You may have painted a picture around the few seemingly beautiful parts you saw with him...and not to sound harsh, because this applies to myself...but it is easy to become dilusional when you want something SO badly. And even more scary, this man KNOWS this about you.

 

Do yourself a favor -- shock him with a diplomatic and UNEMOTIONAL confrontation. Stick to the facts. Make a pact with yourself that if you can't start to collaborate together or he simply can't listen to you -- to LEAVE. If you leave only 2 things can happen. 1. He will chase you within a few days or hours!! (If he loves you that much!!) OR he won't let you leave for a second! 2. He will let you. And what does that say for him? YOUR FEELINGS ARE NOT YOUR FAULT. Deal with them diplomatically and you will have no excuses to make for yourself. And if he let's you leave, you will know he is a scumbag from hell.

 

YOU CAN DEAL WITH THE 2 THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN.

 

I wish you so much love and support. I will be here if you want to write me, but I sincerely hope you will confront him and either make it to your dream life with him or without him. Either way you WILL have it.

 

-- Kate