Is this normal for guys to do... while I'm burdened with pain and struggles just for

[moimeme]

I'd say it was fun to do but other guys will be looking, too.

 

Rose, at this point he thinks you've overreacted. It remains to be seen if he's a jerk or not, but if you do something like this on top of tearing strips off him last night, he'll really start to wonder. So don't do it.

[aroseInLove]

I think you're right... though I'm going to tell him HIS pic out there is equiv to MINE that you see here.... and that it DOES kill me that he's still out there and with this pic no less.. that, to me, it sends a message out there for lonely women to oooooo and aaaaahhh over.... esp. im comparison to som I've seen.. he's mailbox must be inundated with messages... Thanks.. I'm going to go out there right now..and totally and permanently delete MY profile.. so when he goes out there tonight.. he'll see nothing... thanks..

[moimeme]

Well, there's another thing. You had your profile up!!!! Pretty much not terribly fair to get mad at someone fir doing the same thing you're doing.

[aroseInLove]

OMG now you tell me!!!!!!!!!! I just deleted my profile... Still I guess it's best.. God knows I don't need to create any MORE anger in him... or give him reason to think I'm spiteful.. which, in truth.. I'm not spiteful at all... also, I deleted my profile last year and I told him that at the time.. ... so it's not like it's always been out there like his has been.. hell, I can do it again if he keeps his gorgeous pic out there.. for one..

 

BUT I'm sending him my equiv. now.. He's not seen this one... Ocean front wedding .. it was appropriate beach attire.. PLUS he didn't make it to my daughter's Newport wedding .. He was mandated to hold the fort on the job.. as something big was going down at the time.. so I went solo... so hell.. can't blame me for having a grand ole' time, can he?.. My beautiful daughter got married in Newport ..I was ALONE on the beach in front of the reception mansion.. having a blast.. Still.. he's gonna die to think this COULD go out there.. I'll let you know what he says.. plus have to articulate those scary concerns..

[reasontosigh]

Is that pic of you, rose?

 

Just reminds me of one I had seen somewhere before, but I can't recall exactly where offhand, though I might have an idea if I think back really hard.

[befuddled11]

As you wrote to me, Moi:

 

"You are such a trusting soul. There are far simpler excuses he could make up, befuddled, than to say his house was broken into. It's a bit farfetched to say he'd be lying about something like that."

 

Facetious much? Accuse me of not being trusting but a guillible chump I am not. Over the past 10 yrs, my ability to tell when someone is lying, based on their behavior or "excuses" is about 98% correct. This isn't from being psychic or a genius.....it's because I've learned from many experiences, how people (men) operate.....and I feel that life is short and if I feel that someone is scamming me, screw them.....you only get once chance. I have no tolerance whatsoever for blatant lying.......or behavior that elicits mistrust and doubt. If you were to survey 100 women who've used the online personals, I'd be willing to bet that 95% of them would tell that they've experienced a guy they'd met there and developed a relationship with, was busted for continuing to "look" for other women. This isn't some new phenomenon......I didn't make it up. It happens each and every day...and not only to women, to men also.

 

There's no way, short of Rose setting up a bogus profile, that she's going to know for sure what the gig is with this guy. His behavior is not at all consistent with his words.

 

Just because you're a bleeding heart who believes in giving people all kinds of chances, doesn't mean that should be the standard for everyone.

 

Nobody here wants to see Rose get hurt, more than she is already.

 

If you don't agree with my thoughts on the matter, that's your prerogative...but I think it tacky for you to make this habit of coming along after my responses here, and making such a point of pointing out, whether subtly or directly, disagreeing with them to the degree that you do. I disagree with a lot of your views on things here, but you don't see me subtly belittling your views.

 

Rose.....this issue is way beyond "what picture" he's got out there...what does that really matter? What should matter to you is that he's still got an active (and revised)profile and has recently logged in there. How good he looks in the picture is way beside the point.

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by befuddled11

..you only get once chance. I have no tolerance whatsoever for blatant lying.......or behavior that elicits mistrust and doubt. If you were to survey 100 women who've used the online personals, I'd be willing to bet that 95% of them would tell that they've experienced a guy they'd met there and developed a relationship with, was busted for continuing to "look" for other women.

 

This online personals thing IS scary.. I've seen it over and over with people and I know your words carry merit... I didn't like the idea myself of personals, but I don't go to bars.. I don't date colleagues or clients... so without online personals, it leaves me as I always have been all my life.. ALONE ..except now it's worse as my parents are gone and my girls are in diff. states ..

 

IF I discover my guy IS blatantly lying, he will that second become someone I didn't think he was... and I wouldn't be able to survive with the new liar he'd become... as I'd be unable to feel trust .. I'd be feeling fear every time I turn around... I'd rather be alone than live like that PLUS I'd truly make him 'nutz' so he'd dump me anyway..... That said, I'm going to keep these thoughts in mind... but I DO truly believe him...

 

On that prev. ex- story about her panic resulting in knife-throwing, he told me that in the very beginning.. he only reminded me of it in relating his anxiety with MY panic... As for the break-in, he IS worried.. he said nothing was taken.. as if it was him they were looking for... said he's walking around that house with a 9 mm and I swear truth when I say I could feel it in his voice.. ..keep in mind he's a cop with many gang-related enemies and he's been sought out before.. so it carries merit..

 

I asked him, "Can we make a truce... maybe come up with ways so that I don't GET scared in the first place?"... What a load off me AND off of HIM that would be I told him..said one of the things was dealing with the Personals..

 

Told him I'm not jealous; it's ok if he has female friends.. it's ok if he talks to women ..whether it's at work, etc.. but would he please get his FREAKING HOTTTTT & GORGEOUS self OFF all dating sites???

 

Might sound childish, huh.. but it IS how I said it.. ... I did softly and more adult-like fashion, finished with saying that regardless of pic .. but esp. this one as it's sort of sexual in nature.. that his inbox MUST BE LOADED after lonely women see that photo and think you're available.. ..

 

I asked him to tell me.. if it would not rip his heart out to see one of MY belly-shot pics out there for guys to goggle over and would he not croak to fathom ME getting their emails.. and worst of all ME looking up THEIR profiles even if just for sake of curiosity..

 

I added that first of all, I have NO curiosity.. Asked would he WANT me to? Expect me to? Would he want those emails in MY inbox? He now says NO!..

 

See, before in one of my posts, I told you he said he wouldn't have minded because he trusts me as I should trust him... He had a change of heart with this scenario.. I told him I wouldn't have a rose the nun picture out there this round if I were to match his equivalent in pic choices.

 

Also said how it shocked and sickened me that his profile and pic was updated since I last was out there with him.. I told him I still have it if he wants to see it.. but that it's a mute point..

 

I told him how could this man I'll live happily ever after with even be out HERE? Seeing it.. that part of me died.. that had I been able to reach him EVEN through IM, he COULD HAVE NIPPED IT in 5 seconds... Part of the truce.. is ways to reach him.. so I don't get so scared in the first place..

 

Took so much advice from here at LS.. used so many of your words.. I said "Do I have to be IN with the rest of the world of IM blockings? Do I fit the rest of the world criteria? Am I Not special? " Told him he can tell ME easily that he's busy.. he knows I don't give give him a hard time.. I do listen to him always.. Also asked about his taking 5 seconds to make that call to me.. if I leave him msg.. I said that 5 second call.. really could have AVOIDED all this unnecessary crap that happened...

 

I used more of your words.. as I said to him.. You know the BEST way to EVER calm me is your voice.. I always tell him that and said.. but with no voice.. no way to know.. I near die ... as, unfortunately, when you build your whole world around someone and they get hurt, or they die, or they let you down, or betray you, your world caves in like a house of cards... and that's my O-N-L-Y reason to devastate..not for ANY OTHER REASON but to think for a split second that he LEFT MY WORLD...

 

Also said that he shouldn't compare my panic to the knife-throwing ex.. as I have no anger.. I've not raised my voice or shown negativity in one one years' time.. that the worst I do is dial his phone... CRY.. and ask him for closure.. ..

 

Please KNOW how grateful I am LSers.. I swear I'd be otherwise lost.... I used so many of your thoughts.. words.. .I thank God for ALL of you.. You saved me Moi from making it worse... while you helped me Kate, meanon and befuddled11 and freeme ..and so many more for stating my case.. I can't imagine what kind up mess I might have this very minute if not for all of you who posted in this thread..

 

You helped me find a great deal of inner strength and courage to say those words to him... they were YOUR words.. all while I was lost.. ..might still be a bit..

 

I hope it's ok to post back to this thread esp. in CASE I NEED YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!! I just might need you.. tonight .. tomorrow.. or next week.. Just hope it's ok from time to time..

 

I am so very in love with this guy.. and I DO want to marry him.. I faced seemingly trivial issues in comparison to many threads.. but it affected my world.. and my choices..

 

I'm so very very verrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy grateful for ..everyone who posted here .....There's friends here that care about ME? Opposing discussions in this thread on MY behalf for the good of ME? OMG how very special you ALL are.. Friends I didn't even know I had!!!!!! You'll be sure to find me as I'll add on my two-cents worth in your threads ..

 

Lastly, ALL perspectives are important and note-worthy.. I always say knowledge IS power.. And where they are opposing in thoughts, like Moi and Befuddled11.. .. it's even more powerful.. more than you realize.. For me, I saw both sides in ONE post.. and in looking for quick help and resolution, life doesn't get BETTER than that... Thank you so very much... I can't lose ANY of you... .

 

.p.s. Every SINGLE one of you ..You are ALL saints in MY book!

 

God Bless all of you...

Love, Rose

[FreeMe]

Hey Rosie -- It's great you used key things that people said constructively. So did he agree to the truce? to give a little more with the phone calls? Like you said, you're talking about less than a minute and so much pain and confusion could have been avoided.

 

I'm curious because I've tried that with people and my current boyfriend and it's never worked for me. If I tell my current guy I need a little more effort he goes in the opposite direction and is more distant instead. We came very close to breaking up recently, but I decided I just wasn't quite ready to give up on him and he gave in a little so we're still together.

 

Keep us posted!

 

FreeMe

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by FreeMe

So did he agree to the truce? to give a little more with the phone calls?

 

He certainly listened well to everything I said.. didn't interrupt and/or oppose one word.. and he said a general 'yes' ..but we will see..

 

I'm so grateful he didn't hold anything against me.. I really did bug out when I couldn't get through after seeing his updated online personal..

 

Originally posted by FreeMe

If I tell my current guy I need a little more effort he goes in the opposite direction and is more distant instead.

I've tried that and failed with people as well... esp. with my own girls.. in fact, currently I have one on-going with the little kid (always called her that.. she's almost 23) ..

 

But I think the KEY differences to GAIN from any opposition are TWO things.. gentleness in voice.. and in the actual verbiage.. I've been writing software for over twenty years and I'll stand first in line to say, forget computers, it's our internal unique brains that are THE strongest processors on the face of this earth.. When each of our brains RELAY MESSAGES via the mouth or in writing so easily can be PROCESSED or TRANSLATED or PERCEIVED via someone ELSE's brain as a negative and taken the wrong way.. i.e. I did NOT use the word 'effort'.. or any like verbiage.. as it might have implied his 'lack of' ..which I know he'd find hurtful ... and it truly IS a negative word in that context... and then the whole sentence might have become misconstrued into a defense issue as opposed to the initiative I set out to deal with..

 

I just love this guy so much that when I DO talk to him, it's as if it's my heart is talking to his heart.... just like my passion is always talking to his passion.. It's as if they recognize, relate and understand each other so very much better than the mind-to-mind .. head-to-head kind of conversations.. But keep in mind I don't ALWAYS succeed as you have witnessed in my posts... with my heart first.. mind second functioning... and as in this thread you've seen it HAS created issues for me.. but I AM a dreamer.. I AM so very in love that I couldn't or wouldn't be ABLE to say ANY word to remotely offend his heart... I would not crush his spirit in a million years.. at least not intentionally... or consciously.. with one exception.. if I HAD to prove a point when all else has failed.. and he'd know by ME that it was to that extreme, to be the case..

 

Originally posted by FreeMe

We came very close to breaking up recently, but I decided I just wasn't quite ready to give up on him and he gave in a little so we're still together.

This is the saddest thing to me... to see how fragile love IS.. here you guys are in love... and almost suffered a loss.. just like me.. so many.. REAL love is so hard to come by .. Think about it... just how abstract it is...

 

Seems to me we all are like jugglers... We throw all these balls in the air whenever we meet someone.. Each ball has something WE need as individuals in order for us to even take a SHOT at true love..

 

.. ie.. one ball in the air represents 'chemistry'.. ..one is 'sexuality'.. one is 'respect'.. one is 'compassion'.. 'one is emotions' one is 'lifestyle'... one is morals.. one is 'loyalties' etc.. etc. etc..

 

There are a kazillion 'balls in the air... Pretty abstract to me.. to fathom we can look at someone.. know someone ...seeking them out as being interested in what might be defined as 'similarities' to our brains.. to hearts.. souls..

 

... To me, the ODDS of all those like 'balls' in the air.. juggled around in so many different variations so very unique to EVERY soul on this earth.. it IS phenomenal.. that ANY two people can 'catch' the right ones.. and find true love..

 

And then.. IF they got thus far.. now to put it to the test of time.. and PRAY HOPE and WORK at it to KEEP all those balls the same color.. shape.. and size, so to speak, that we ORIGINALLY fell in love with with when we met..

 

No wonder I only dated six guys in my lifetime, huh?.. I Thank God for my guy.. And as tough as it might get.. and as weak as I may be.. IF this truce works, I'll have gained strength in now knowing what DOES work for him and I should those balls change their shape, size or color.. again....

 

I'll keep you posted!

 

rose

[skeet]

I think you need to seek therapy. Your man sounds like a two-bit phony, and your deification of him (or any human being for that matter) is very unhealthy.

[jeff_fff]

Guys may not have changed, but lemme tellya, neither have girls. Much of what you describe is what I've just gone through with a woman-- I could have almost been reading last few months of my own life.

 

Rule # 1; when words and actions don't match, something is wrong. Confess I forgot that rule right up to the day she dumped me--which was approx two weeks after saying she wanted to marry me...the week before that it was I should have faith in her...bleh.

 

The flip side is after sniveling in my beer Sunday night, crummy day Monday from little sleep, Monday night I slept like a baby and woke up Tuesday wondering why I felt so good. Took me two hours to realize I was no longer wondering what bs was coming down the pike next.

 

Net is while I do indeed have some bad moments, do the brooding thing etc, my 'misery index' is wayyyy down.

 

j

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by skeet

I think you need to seek therapy. Your man sounds like a two-bit phony, and your deification of him (or any human being for that matter) is very unhealthy.

Well, amazing.. just pure amazing.. I cannot believe that here I am saying this so soon.. but I only heard from him the last time I relayed it here on LS.. headed into Day 3 of no word... no 5 sec. call.. he's not even opened 2 emails.. I'm proud in fact that each of those 2 days.. I left one message on his home phone and one message on his cell.. All in all 4 messages.. none returned... Messages were maybe lengthy.. saying how much I love him.. saying I missed him.. hoping all was well.. that I was hopeful we might get a chance to talk... hoping we might get to see each other this coming week.. even if just a dinner together... short night..

 

As for his days ... With his schedule... it's further killing me as he might be 'off' from work and STILL not calling.. much less looking to fit me in that window of his 'free' time.. Now, also, I know that either last night or tonight he should have had at least one.. if not 2 days off.. He's due... so.. here I am .. again.... not in shock.. but a real heaviness in my soul.. ripping my heart out with pure misery... I am so very depressed... I can't tell you how long it's even taking me to type... I type 80-100 wpm.. and here I am one-finger method... taking forever.. as my body is so numb...

 

As for the therapy.. I know DO I need HELP.. It's a matter of being in denial.. and facing a miserable reality.. one that is so hard.. so ugly to my soul... Holding onto ANY remote 'hope' seems easier on the soul... That saying comes to mind.. that it's better to know the truth than live the ugly lie.. LS has been help.. right now that's all I have..

 

I'm not at 'panic' .. but I'm so frightened ... all the while I KNOW I would never in one million years repeat such a horror to someone I loved.. and yet so soon.. the wound is still bloody....

 

Now.. I could STILL be assuming the worst... but it's not looking good to my soul.... UNLESS his is SO in fear of that knife-throwing ex scenario.. that my panic sort of 'raised his back' like a cat.. that just maybe.. he's putting me through some sort of test to see how I react ...

 

Just don't have any other reasoning.. except maybe it's his way of letting me down 'easy' ..by me feeling these now 'shorter stabs' day-to-day...

 

I welcome all thoughts.. opinions.. help..

 

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

Rule # 1; when words and actions don't match, something is wrong.

My soul KNOWS that.. my heart and mind are at war.... with exactly this.

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

Rule # 1; when words and actions don't match, something is wrong.

The flip side is after sniveling in my beer Sunday night, crummy day Monday from little sleep, Monday night I slept like a baby and woke up Tuesday wondering why I felt so good. Took me two hours to realize I was no longer wondering what bs was coming down the pike next.

I'll hold onto that latter sentence Jeff.. it just might be a dose of medicine in itself for me.... this IS awful.... but not once .. in one whole year's time.. did I EVER consider the word.. 'bs' ,,, but then, how could I if he was on such a pedestal that ... saints don't GIVE bs... just things happen that are instead.. 'awful'..

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

Net is while I do indeed have some bad moments, do the brooding thing etc, my 'misery index' is wayyyy down.

I'm so sorry for your misery Jeff.. I am in such sad misery right now.. I just can't imagine it 'shrinking'.. at all...

 

I'll keep you posted.. either way tomorrow... If I go into day 4 with no word.. then I know it's REAL bad... real real bad..

[jeff_fff]

rose -- no offense, but really, I suggest you take a hard look at your own writing. Four days means it's 'real' bad ? Isn't that a little bit like saying ~ I'll know the amputation is *real bad* when it gets to the hip ? ~. If it was someone elses name on your posts, what would you say to them ? To be blunt, if you're making excuses for their excuses, you're bs'ing youreself, no ?

 

Judging from your use of the english language, you're no slouch in the brains dept; and you're aware it's a sick relationship. Forgive the presumption, but I suggest you need to honestly ask yourself what you intend to do about it ? You can ask yourself if sending another 'lengthy' email after the unanswered ones is a healthy behavior? You can tell yourself you recognize 'this' (whatever 'this' is at the time) is a compulsive behavior and you're not going to do it...

 

...then look for some healthy, constructive behavior, regardless how trival it be, to compensate; perhaps it's only taking the trash out -- the point is any healthy behavior instead of a compulsive one will make you feel better; and give you a foundation to stand on for the next one.

 

Question: if sending long messages detailing how much you love him has elicited no response, then realistically, what do you expect another such message to accomplish?

 

Best for last -- thank you dear for the sentiments. Tooting my own horn, I'm quite pleased with myself -- I didn't expect to get so far in only a week, it's almost like getting lucky on the first date, lol . Even the rue at *what might have been* is fading -- still there of course, but fading quite nicely.

 

One last advice -- if you're not exercising, immediately start as rigorous a workout routine as you can. Converting all that nervous energy into physical exertion serves several purposes; amongst which is 1) simply an outlet, and 2) by improving the sense of physical well being, also improves the sense of emotional well being.

 

j

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by jeff_fff

Four days means it's 'real' bad ? Isn't that a little bit like saying ~ I'll know the amputation is *real bad* when it gets to the hip ?

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

To be blunt, if you're making excuses for their excuses, you're bs'ing yourself, no ?

Absolutely... ... and more 'medicine' .. so noted...

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

If it was someone elses name on your posts, what would you say to them ?

I've posted fairly strongly on other threads... When I see people in human sufferage, I want to stop their pain.. When I see an inclination toward human sabotage, I want to swap their crusade with one of human kindness.. .. But with me, there's this mirror ... As I look to 'free' me, I get numb...

 

I can recognize a horror unfold and the ONLY 'peace' my soul will settle for... is REVERSAL... Even enduring the worst physical abuse.. I 'froze' from the numbness to what was unfolding.. brain seems to go to 'pause' to absorb .. even when I KNOW it's imminent need to do something else.

 

Sure, once, I DO assimilate, I THEN self-protect.. but while IN that transition, I'm USELESS to myself and in dire need of external help.. This is why I'm here.. These postings help me step back a bit... It IS another point well taken here, Jeff...

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

...ask yourself what you intend to do about it ? ...if sending another 'lengthy' email after the unanswered ones is a healthy behavior?

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

Question: if sending long messages detailing how much you love him has elicited no response, then realistically, what do you expect another such message to accomplish?

Seems futile but that 'HOPE' I conjure up from God knows where has me writing.. calling.. thinking that just maybe THIS point 'MIGHT' make the difference.. .. though seems they're ALL mute points to HIM.. and what's worse.. is that his lack of response generates even more hope... as if I have to pull out all the stops to FIX IT now.. ....

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

...aware it's a sick relationship. ...recognize 'this' (whatever 'this' is at the time) is a compulsive behavior and you're not going to do it...

I mentioned how I see his back raise.. like a cat.. to MY reactions.. Right now, I'm praying he drops down that 'back' .. while I, in parallel, am going as fast as I can in trying to find ways to undue the harm that triggered it in the first ..

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

...aware it's a sick relationship. ...recognize 'this' (whatever 'this' is at the time) is a compulsive behavior and you're not going to do it...

 

look for some healthy, constructive behavior... to compensate;...instead of a compulsive one will make you feel better; and give you a foundation to stand on for the next one.

Tell me, how on earth can you feel THAT compelling after just one week? God knows where I'll be in a week...

 

Originally posted by jeff_fff

One last advice -- if you're not exercising, immediately start as rigorous a workout routine as you can. Converting all that nervous energy into physical exertion serves several purposes; amongst which is 1) simply an outlet, and 2) by improving the sense of physical well being, also improves the sense of emotional well being.

OMG I do exactly it's opposite.. When life is good I'm a gym 'freak' ..plus I run.. I swim.. and on a beautiful day like today when I WANT so badly to go for a run, I just can't move one INCH.. let alone self-motivate myself to go for a run.. get my butt to the gym or to my swim club.. I'm near useless in this mode.. I'm trying so hard to snap out of it.. I do HATE this mode..

[jeff_fff]

Rose

 

>OMG I do exactly it's opposite.. When life is good I'm a gym 'freak' ..plus I run.. I swim.. and on a beautiful day like today when I WANT so badly to go for a run, I just can't move one INCH..

 

I think you'll find if you force yourself to take that first step--just one, get that first deep breath, it'll fall into place.

 

When people get depressed, it's common they stop doing the very things that would make them feel better. If you're a 'gym freak', then you *know* what some exercise will do for you....shoot, you probably even advise others to work out ??

 

>Tell me, how on earth can you feel THAT compelling after just one week? God knows where I'll be in a week...

 

I forced myself to look at the grim reality. Then I decided....well, a lot of things, one was to force myself to do healthy things, and refrain from the compulsive things. I forced myself *not* to send her emails. Partly, it's true, because I knew it was irrevocably over, and 1) it wouldn't do a damn bit of good, and 2) it would only prolong the pain. And waiting for the gerbil, as I've dubbed her, would be the silliest damn thing I could do...and I've had enough of being a damn fool for this year !

 

Rose -- Sorry not to finish this...some 'must do' chores await, bbl, or we can arrange to pm if you'd like.

 

Take care

j

[befuddled11]

Actions speak louder than words, I know you've read that here before.

 

Since everything was "aired out" a few days ago, his actions have not changed at all. Have they? He's back to ignoring you. Wasn't that the original problem that brought you here in the first place? That when you felt you "needed him", he would not return your calls/voicemails, etc.

 

Well here we go again.

 

Don't make excuses for him. This thing about the psycho ex is his perhaps coming back to his mind because of YOUR recent confrontation with him......sorry, even if that were the truth, it still doesn't cut the mustard. A mature, sensitive, caring individual doesn't "blow off" someone for days at a time, particularly when they can't help but know that their partner is upset and reaching out so blatantly, to communicate.

 

I can tell by your writing, and use of words, that you're a very dramatic, expressive person.

 

I still think you have relied on him (and continue to) far too much, for your own sense of purpose and inner happiness. It goes back to the "saint" issue.

 

Stop calling him. Stop keeping track of the # of times you've emailed or left him voicemails. You've expressed your thoughts and feelings.....and he's not had the basic human courtesy to respond. Continuing to reach out to him will only cause you to look desperate and obsessive and like you're clinging on for dear life. He is not God, he is just a man.....just a human being. No human being is worth making a fool out of yourself for. NONE.

 

You are so wrapped up in him that I think you have lost your own identity along the way.

 

Please....seek out counselling as soon as possible. You've admitted you need it, but that you're in denial. Stop with the denial. You're allowing yourself to be almost incapacitated, all because of him. That is not healthy.

 

I have been in your shoes, hundreds of others here have, too. You care about someone, you're feeling insecure.......you scrutinize their every move and word....hoping to see a glimmer of hope and "Future".......they ignore you. You pour out your heart and soul, wanting to "fix" things.......and you spend each moment of your day and night, sitting by the phone or sitting by the computer, waiting for their response. And you get none. So you fall deeper into the abyss and you try even HARDER to reach out to them......to the point where you become obsessed in your attempt to elicit a response from them. I've been there. It's demoralizing and humiliating, when you realize what you're doing....that you're ALLOWING someone to have such control over you.

 

Would YOU treat someone this way? No.....so then why are you willing to accept this kind of treatment?

 

Next time you feel compelled to email him, write it but don't send it. Start a journal.....and everytime you're feeling overwhelmed and heartbroken that he's ignoring you, write down how you feel. Get it "out" but don't send it to him.

 

Stop making excuses for him. Stop yourself from believing that he's the best thing since sliced bread.

 

Do 3 things for yourself today that are "just for you." Go for a walk, go for a massage, run a bubble bath, go buy yourself a nice aromatherapy candle...anything like that.

 

Do your best to get yourself out of this "funk" and take back control of yourself and your emotions. Take a break from analyzing your relationship and his behavior. Take the day off from all this mess.

 

Turn off your computer for the rest of the day.

 

Consider trying to find a counsellor or therapist, for this coming week. Make that a goal.

[aroseInLove]

Thanks.. I think I'm going to go for a swim.. Maybe it WILL get my mind off THIS as you say.. and it's true.. I AM stuck in this abyss..

 

Rose

[FreeMe]

Rose, I'm sorry. This sounds, to an extent, like my boyfriend and every other emotionally unavailable guy I've been with. They seem to listen but then they don't change one bit of their behavior. Look how much of yourself is immersed in this whole thing and look at the way he cavalierly disregards your feelings. Do you see imbalance? You seem to be in a relationship with him, except he's really not in it. It's basically an illusion.

 

Thank you for your responses last week. I didn't have time to respond Friday and I don't usually come to LS on the weekends.

 

Let us know how you're doing.

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by FreeMe

Rose, I'm sorry. This sounds, to an extent, like my boyfriend and every other emotionally unavailable guy I've been with. They seem to listen but then they don't change one bit of their behavior. Look how much of yourself is immersed in this whole thing and look at the way he cavalierly disregards your feelings. Do you see imbalance? You seem to be in a relationship with him, except he's really not in it. It's basically an illusion... Let us know how you're doing.

 

I did call and get through to him yesterday just before I hit the gym. It was so wonderful to hear his voice.. We talked for twenty minutes.. Said he misses me.. loves me.. Says he's off today and going golfing with a friend.. My soul would never allow me to speak negative but inside my soul it was crying and if it could speak, it'd say.. Gee, sure wish I was his friend..

 

While it DID take away 'some' pain, FreeMe, I DO see the imbalance.. it's so very painful.. my way to 'balance' it.. his voice.. unfortunately..

[clia]

I think it's very telling that he had the entire day off and made no plans with you.

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by clia

I think it's very telling that he had the entire day off and made no plans with you.

 

 

TWO days,, yesterday (he powerwashed his rock wall) and today ..golf

[FolderWife]

If you are worried that he is online cheating, get a picture of some model, make up an imaginary profile, and send him an invitation to talk to you. If he takes the bait, then dump him!

[aroseInLove]

Well, he has called.. though few... far between... no set date for us to even have dinner.. so busy... says he's planning another vacation to check out more Florida properties.. might close on one and rent it for a year.. says he'd want me to come with him BUT he doesn't want me to put my contract (job) at risk..

 

Originally posted by Monday

If you are worried that he is online cheating, get a picture of some model, make up an imaginary profile, and send him an invitation to talk to you. If he takes the bait, then dump him!

 

Part of me WANTS to do as you suggest.. Trust; if I DO go down that road.. and even if nothing comes to fruition, what does that test say about what I have.. nothing.. I'd have nothing..

 

Part of me ISN'T ready to face what it might incur..

IF he answers it.. And how do I judge.. I'm not engaged or married.. not living with him.. he IS *single*... WHILE those words of his in a message to my trap would repulse me beyond belief..

 

IF he DOESN'T take the bait, so to speak, how do I judge.. Am I now SAFE? Not by any stretch.. Maybe no ans = no time.. That doesn't mean I'd be free and clear of his cheating if in fact he is.... Does it? Maybe it would mean he just didn't feel like respoding to it this round.. Maybe he'd have answered it next time.. Then, from that idea, would I send diff. traps on a monthly basis.. weekly basis.. or daily basis.. all with diff. names and faces.. Where would it end?

 

Maybe, in truth, I AM a coward; I don't want to go there. But, just the same, in truth, I don't WANT to live in that world of being a sneak.. or in not trusting.. no trust = no relationship.. I hated his profile out there because it was an insult to my spirit.. IF I think he IS cheating, I'd have other signs.. Believe me, I DO realize there are HORRIBLE SIGNS.. and that I hardly have a healthy relationship.. as this entire thread paints an ugly picture .. but I don't think i't cheating.. more .. lack of compassion.. energy for me..

 

Regardless OF what it IS that he's doing.. it remains that whether I do or don't set bait... whether I can or cannot control his every move... whether I TRUST or be judge of his reasons for ANY move he makes.. that could possible BE different than it might appear, bottom line to me is...

 

.....................I am STILL left with the same end result...

 

that said, I think, AS OPPOSED TO CHEATING/MISTRUST, that the issue is my coming to terms with .. CAN I live like this- *period*.... now.. and is this a forever trend..

[dyermaker]

Do not do what Monday suggested; You will regret it for the rest of your life.

 

If your friend was hanging off a cliff, would you help him up, or would you step on his fingers?s

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by dyermaker

Do not do what Monday suggested; You will regret it for the rest of your life.

 

If your friend was hanging off a cliff, would you help him up, or would you step on his fingers?s

 

 

What a perspective..... I KNOW MY THREAD IS A MESS.. Caring people like Monday want to help me.. Her thoughts are welcome and were considered .. as ALL LSers are.. just trying to help me through this as I DO need help... Monday's suggestion might worke IF cheating was the issue being contemplated..

 

.. . I love this guy so very much, I'm crushed.. and when we care about people to this degree and have no solid answers.. maybe they ARE in some RUT.. just like you say.. WITH THE CLIFF..

 

I DO see 'hope' in him.. No, I would never step on his fingers.. not in a million years.. I want what's best for him too..

 

Dyermaker, you added much warmth to my soul here, tonight.. as I can NOT sleep... I fell in love with a sweet sweet man.. I pray that it just may be a 'RUT'... He is human.. He has a heart.. He has a reason.. The poor guy, he has NO ALY.. NO VOICE.. It's SO VERY heart warming to see someone is looking out for HIM..

 

Thanks so much,

Rose