Bad_Monkey25 Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Ok, so my friend has a dilemma. She has a child who she thought was someone else's child. Turns out, he is not the father. The only other guy she was with was a one night stand who she doesn't even know where he is. It was a one night stand and nothing more. Should she tell the child when he grows up that he was a result of a one-nighter? Or should she keep that to herself? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookinside Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Raising a child is so hard. I think that your friend needs to focus on that and worry about telling the child about their father when that topic comes up, which won't be for a while. Who knows, she may meet a wonderful man who wants to adopt her child and they can have a family. Tell your friend not to worry about things that can not be changed right now. Concentrate on raising that child and prepare to become a strong and wonderful role model. As far as anyone else knowing, it is none of their business. She is not the first woman to do this, nor the last, have no shame. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Devil's Advocate/betamanlet, don't you think it would be a good idea to get off your high horse and look at it from all angles, instead of being so single-pointedly judgemental all the time? At least she doesn't seem to be considering abortion - and goodness knows what a banner-carrier you are on THAT issue! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Rigid-thinking. I can give you the primary causes of it:laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 let me guess, is it first-hand knowledge....? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 You only say this because my views are conflicting with yours in some way and you yourself are just as guilty of being too rigid to relent. how can anyone have rigid views on something they know nothing about? You know nothing about this situation, or the people concerned, save what has been written here. That's nothing to go on. By all means, give opinion, but be prepared to make allowances for the fact that, like an iceberg, probably 90% of the story is "underwater" WYS Is definitely not WYG... So you already know my view that I believe only the individual has the right to terminate one's own life or give consent for its termination. That aside I don't see why I should be throwing a ticker tape parade because a woman chose to not exercise a right no one should have over another and she should never have been given. Quite a good example of how uncivil a civil society is. being the epitome of uncivil, you'd know about that. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Yes' date=' I do have quite a bit of first hand experience with how simple minds work. I have dealt much with the mentally disabled in group homes and very young children.[/quote'] :laugh: You don't do dense and obtuse very well... Fortunately, I'm not obtuse either. You know exactly what I meant.... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I don't need to know every bit of minutia to make an informed view on the predicament. Yes, you do. That's what making 'an informed view' means. You can't possibly be doing that, without knowing the minutiae. The girl is a woman of ill-repute Where do you get this from? Making assumptions about someone's repute, from one post, is a bit rich... to put it mildly I'd hate to hear you putting it not mildly.... who sleeps around out of wedlock and is now fretting over telling her child the whole nasty truth she caused herself. She deserves every bit of condemnation. Too many want to go easy on these sorts which is how we get into these situations in the first place. Women get driven into predicaments like this by men like you, so you are part of the problem, given that it's evident that you are not part of the solution.... Well one can't have civil discourse with simple minds. Simple minds can only understand harsh sounding words. Now you've got it. QED... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 Let me guess it is some juvenile theory involving impotency or flaccidity. Boy you don't know my posting style at all. Yes' date=' I do have quite a bit of first hand experience with how simple minds work. I have dealt much with the mentally disabled in group homes and very young children.[/quote'] See this ^^^. That's called shaming, the other side of rigidity. When a rigid-thinker doesn't find agreement with others often that thinker will project shame or feel shame inside. The rejection of the rigidly perfect idea brings about the exact opposite end of the spectrum, shame. Interesting that you should reach for "juvenile" "impotency." etc. That is another shame example. No, the primary causes come from a fearful or shaming family template. Nothing to do with impotency. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 28, 2011 Share Posted April 28, 2011 I don't need to know every bit of minutia to make an informed view on the predicament. The girl is a woman of ill-repute to put it mildly who sleeps around out of wedlock and is now fretting over telling her child the whole nasty truth she caused herself. She deserves every bit of condemnation. Too many want to go easy on these sorts which is how we get into these situations in the first place. Well one can't have civil discourse with simple minds. Simple minds can only understand harsh sounding words. That isn't what causes it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bad_Monkey25 Posted April 29, 2011 Author Share Posted April 29, 2011 She had sex without being married and this is compounded with the partaking of congress with more than one gentleman neither of which she intended to marry. Now she is left with a bun in the oven wondering "Who is the chef that I brought about this masterpiece with?" or in other words for the low brows "Who ma baby daddy?" It is like an episode from some of the greats of trash tv such as Springer' date=' Montel, or Maury.[/quote'] Sorry my post caused such an argument.... My friend knows who her baby daddy is, this isn't a Maury show. We were talking and she told me this stuff and was asking me what I would do if in this situation. I thought posting it up here would be a good idea cause most people up here seem to have a little bit of common decency and common sense about things rather than just jumping down someone's throat accusing them of being wh*res and all that (operative word here is MOST). They have enough decency to give REAL advice, rather than throwing blame for the civil breakdown of the country (come the F on...REALLY?) I'm gonna tell her what I told her before: keep it to herself. God knows this world is full of enough people ready to cast judgment on people who make mistakes. I don't want to see her, or her son, have to deal with one-sided, pompous jerks in this world. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 It must be a banner year for Pop Psychology Today with so many subscribers. I hope that they do well, I wouldn't know though, nit being among the number. You don't account for other possible explanations for the same set of observations. It is so typical of a rigid thinker. I never claimed that it was the be all and end all. Furthermore one example of rigid thinking does not constitute someone who is overall and in general a "rigid thinker." A measured standard might be helpful, and you would be correct in showing that I did not provide one. However, I find many if your postings, rightly or wrongly to a be apart of 'rigid' thinking. king damn iPhone Funny how that wall of text addresses shaming but its whole purpose is to bring about the same shaming it addresses. How very peculiar. You misread me Sir. I merely pointed it out as somewhat of a spewed observation. I am known for communication faux pas such as: run-on sentences, thread-jacking, examining posts for style instead of content, and left-field observations. It is my own limitations with boundaries that takes me to such walls of text, but not an intent to shame. Although with most people I find to be rigid thinkers, on the perception of 'threat' often they shame. My view stands and is reinforced. No Offence intended. Then share what does. Perhaps I'll agree with it. If not it will at least give me a good chuckle. Nothing is more precious than a chuckle. The impulse center of the brain in poorly-adjusted women being in control over their reasoning center. Shaming and intolerance won't correct it. Oddly enough it is likely to increase it, and drive it underground. People don't tend to respond positively to shame. But for some reason they often respond well to scrutiny. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Sorry my post caused such an argument.... My friend knows who her baby daddy is, this isn't a Maury show. We were talking and she told me this stuff and was asking me what I would do if in this situation. I thought posting it up here would be a good idea cause most people up here seem to have a little bit of common decency and common sense about things rather than just jumping down someone's throat accusing them of being wh*res and all that (operative word here is MOST). They have enough decency to give REAL advice, rather than throwing blame for the civil breakdown of the country (come the F on...REALLY?) I'm gonna tell her what I told her before: keep it to herself. God knows this world is full of enough people ready to cast judgment on people who make mistakes. I don't want to see her, or her son, have to deal with one-sided, pompous jerks in this world. She should tell her son when he is old enough. Truth be told many many many people have one night stands. The fact that she decided tonkerp the child and raise him singly is a testament to her character given the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 I really don't know OP. I think that she should at least find the guy and let him know that he has a child in the first instance. He may want to know such a thing .. one night stand or not. As for what to tell the child.. I can't say! Probably what someone else suggested - see how further relationships go? Even though the little ones life is not itself cheapened, he or she may find it hard to accept unless he has opportunity to meet Dad. At the end of the day I would concentrate on raising the little one and cross that bridge later. It is an important point though. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Sorry my post caused such an argument.... My friend knows who her baby daddy is, .... I'm thinking in this case, also from the guy's PoV. He may want to now if he's a dad, it's not necessarily her decision alone, because if she nows who the father is, then he has a right to know he's a father. Secondly, there is the factor of 'joint responsibility'. Even if she has no intention whatsoever right now, of seeking some kind of financial support, anybody who is responsible for creating a child, should have the responsibility of raising it... The child isn't a baby for ever. It will need food, clothing, shelter, education and total all-round care. Even if she doesn't want money, she should in all decency let the guy know he's a dad. Thirdly - and most importantly, in my view - if a medical situation arises, medical personnel may need to know the child's medical history. You never know whether there might be an inherent family condition or tendency, and furthermore, should something need addressing, the father should have a right to know and be party to decisions.... Decisions like this should never be primarily considered in emotional terms. This is someone's long-term future we're talking about, and life decisions of this kind are about a lot more than being "the result of a one-nighter".... IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I agree that she should try and find him, FB, twitter, whatever, in the world of internet no one is really hidden. At least she will be able to tell her son that she tried. And yes, I believe she should be honest... you can keep secrets like that and live an honest life. There's a big difference between keeping it private and blatantly lying (or omitting, whatever you want to call it). Look, I understand that what she fears the most is that her child will judge her. Because that is my biggest fear and I'm sure for most parents -that our children will be somehow disappointed. But ultimately, our children are going to notice that we are flawed human beings. We make mistakes just as everybody else and the most important part is how you rise back up. Once he is truly old enough to understand, she should explain it to him nicely and appropriately. Hopefully, it will also make her son a more tolerable, non-judgmental human being....someone very different than Devil's advocate and thats all a parent can hope for. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 She should tell him. It would be a good learning experience on what kind of women to avoid. I liked begin again way better. Ok, so my friend has a dilemma. She has a child who she thought was someone else's child. Turns out, he is not the father. The only other guy she was with was a one night stand who she doesn't even know where he is. It was a one night stand and nothing more. Should she tell the child when he grows up that he was a result of a one-nighter? Or should she keep that to herself? I wouldn't tell him unless he asks, and don't until he's over 18 period. That kind of news can mess with someone's self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 The king is dead. Long live the Jester. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 If finding the man is at all an option she needs to do that. Maybe it would be better to say she used a sperm donor then to say she had a one night stand with some random guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts