princess75 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Marriage or break up? Post: 1 | Quote: Hello, I am very confused about what should I do in my relationship. My boy and me have come back together after 2 months of he trying to gain my trust, we have broken up 6 months before mainly because he was scared of marriage and said he didn't want to spend with me say 5 years and then decide we wont go for it. Cause I would suffer. I loved him so much , I have never pressured him into anything but he would constantly bug me with "I am not getting married to you" that drove me nuts and we broke up. Then he went out with another girl for 6 months and now he is back saying he is really in love with me. Since 2 months he has tried all to gain my trust but this is the current situation which makes me confused. Now , after 2 months I have come to a point where I have realized one thing. I would like to marry him one day. See, I was not sure before but I realized that then why was I with him at all? Since I have realized this I have told him so. He says he wants to be with me but not in a serious relationship. Cause he is not ready for marriage. He is aware of our age differences (I am 28 he is 25, so he still has time) and he believes I should get marry within one year or so. SO he says he doesn't want to ruin my life by being with me and then maybe one day decide not to marry me. I have proposed him the following: That he should decide within 2 weeks if he wants a serious relationship or not with me. This means he will try his best to get married to me, will do all he needs to do from meeting my parents and introducing me to his and all that. And work towards it. And if within 6 months we realize we cannot go through the relationship then we can break it off. Either he or me. But that I don't want to be with him, without him taking responsibility of his actions. Now I also have said to him if he says no then I would never again come back to him cause I have been deeply hurt over and over again. The current situation is he says no, to my suggestion. He didn't take 2 weeks, he said it within 3 days. But he wants me to hang out with him as friends. He doesn't say like no calls, instead he says we will talk tomorrow. I feel really used cause I never thought I would be in such a loving relationship where I would not end up marrying him. I have not thought about marriage with anyone before except with him. And my problem is I don't know if I hang out there, or even engage in a "not so serious relationship" (he would be committed just to me but the marriage is the not serious part) if one day he will realize we are meant to be. But then time is in his side, if I end up going with him for another 3 years and then he splits. I will be past 30s and starting all over again is difficult. What is the opinion out there? I am clue-less. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 you could marry him and he could still "split" in three years. Marriage is not the end-all be-all that it used to be. half the people I know are living in sin (with children) or divorced, so don't bank on marriage guarenteeing that you will always be together. if you really love him (and he loves you) have faith that will keep you together forever regardless of whether you are married or not good luck Cheers, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 This is a difficult situation, but it seems that he's being honest with you. He loves you, but doesn't want to commit to getting married. Maybe he feels too young, or maybe he isn't 100% sure about the depth or endurance of his feelings for you. Whatever his reasons, be grateful that he's man enough to tell you the truth, even though it means losing you. But I do advise no contact for a while, just until you recover a bit, since you are very likely (both of you) to slip back into something that looks, sounds, and smells like a relationship, and will keep you from finding someone better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Penny Sillan Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Hi princess75. Sorry to hear about your confusion - I think many of us, at some stage of our lives, have been in the situation you find yourself in now. So you're not alone in your confusion. When you "know" beyond a doubt that the person you are with is "the ONE" it can be really difficult accepting that they don't see it the same way. I was engaged to a guy who left our relationship three times during our engagement - simply because he'd get scared and he'd just disappear out of my life for months without a word. And everytime he did that, I'd hang around the place broken hearted, waiting for him to call and basically putting my life on hold. Why did I do that? Because I "knew" he was the ONE - we were perfect for eachother and we were meant to be together. After he left the third time, I started thinking that maybe we weren't perfect for eachother after all - maybe it only seemed that way because that's what I wanted it to be. Because the reality is, "if" we were really meant to be together - we would be. Both of us would be willing to be together without all the drama of one running off all the time. It was really difficult but I started getting honest with myself - reading just about every self help or relationship book there is out there, talking to friends, visiting Forums like this one, asking myself all the difficult questions. Like, "why" did I think this man, who treated me so badly, was the one - why would I keep doing everything I could to have him in my life only to have him hurt me again by leaving. By the time he came back the third time, I knew myself a little bit better, and strangely enough - he no longer seemed like the ONE, so I was able to tell him that there was no longer room for him in my life - I respect myself too much! So, I don't know, maybe if you could start looking into yourself a little more, talk to other people who have been in similar situations, asking yourself the hard questions, find out why you think this man is so perfect for you - just maybe through it all, you will be able to find some peace. And to be fair to your man - he's being totally honest with you and he's telling you that he isn't ready to committ to a long term relationship - I think you really need to accept his decision without giving him anymore ulitimatums. Ultimatums are manipulative and controlling. He's told you what he wants - it's time for you to accept it and move on. Stop trying to make him what/who you want him to be and allow him to be who he is - someone who is not ready for marriage. Keep your thoughts gentle and your spirit strong. Link to post Share on other sites
much_better_off Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 I know that feeling, that "he's the ONE" feeling..... I know that other feeling, too... that "I shouldn't give up, that's the easy way out, we can make this work if we try..." if WE try...... Sometimes it isn't that he's the ONE and the two of you just aren't working it out... sometimes it's that he isn't the ONE. It's amazing how long you can go, trying to make the relationship work, before you realize that it wasn't meant to. Like how many times you'll try to turn the television on with the remote before you realize that it's got no batteries. We even loved each other, we just had different paths, and neither of them were flexible enough to get the two to overlap.... I hate to say it, but you know that song "sometimes love just ain't enough" well, baby, sometimes love just ain't enough, other things matter, geography, schedules, energy, and ability to commit. Sigh. I know I can only speak from my experience, and that you're experiencing a different set of conditions, but I just wanted to say before you get caught up in this being some failure of yours because the two of you can't iron this out, consider that perhaps the two of you weren't meant to iron this out, and there might be someone else out there who you're depriving of your dear and precious company who will be a better match. ~N Link to post Share on other sites
Author princess75 Posted April 10, 2004 Author Share Posted April 10, 2004 Hello, thanks for the inputs. In this situation life seems difficult. I know though there must be a reason for all of this, from the head, but my heart is saying different. Yesterday I talked to him again, and it is very difficult because for him it is like any other day. He calls every day, and I have not had the courage of not picking up the phone, I have not got the guts to move on. I need strength for this...I want to be for him as his friend, but I get hurt in the process. It is like I feel well, maybe he is not sure still that is why he has not stopped calling and wanting to know all about me. But when I directly ask the question he says I have made my decision and It is no. (I ask the question cause the 2 weeks period is not over, in fact not even one week passed by) It is strange I feel if I am not there for him, he will feel sad, and I become sad. But then I am also sad because I cannot move on in this way. Does all this make sense? WEll, I have decided not to tlak to him anymore, and I have to be strong for this Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
much_better_off Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Good luck, post if you feel you need to talk to him, we'll be here. You can do it! ~N Link to post Share on other sites
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