Do they ever change? (People with Commitment Issues)

[Popondetta]

Do people change when they go into a new relationship or do they bring with them the same issues they had in their last relationship to the new one (let's say both relationships are loving ones and free of cheating, abuse and arguing)? Thinking first and foremost about Commitment Issues here.

 

I know every relationship is different but if they have had problems with Commitment Issues in their two previous realtionship what are the chances they can change without therapy and become longterm commited in their next relationships?

I'm just desperate to know more about this as I was going out with a commitment phobic for 2 years when he suddenly dumped me. Will he ruin every relationship like this?

 

I've posted another thread about Commitment Issues, so for those who are interested please look here;

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274692/

 

(Sorry if I'm posting alot of threads about the same issues, but hopefully there are more LS'ers interested in the topic so we can discuss it more)

Thanks for reading!

Edited April 28, 2011 by Popondetta
exra info

[TaraMaiden]

A commitmentphobe will only review their stance when someone dumps their hide when they least expect it.

 

And even then, the review may not lead to a change of heart....

[Ajax]

A commitmentphobe will only review their stance when someone dumps their hide when they least expect it.

 

And even then, the review may not lead to a change of heart....

 

Agreed. In fact they may even find that it validates their committment anxiety. They might use it as further reason not to let people in, or to dump future partners before they get too close.

 

Typically though, committment phobic people tend to be afraid of committment in other areas of their lives too. My ex could not settle on a career path. She started studying engineering... didn't like it. Got a degree in psychology... didn't like it. Got a degree in nursing... and loved it up until she broke up with me, when I heard she hated it and was thinking about joining a band and leaving.

 

So even if they start therapy to overcome their committment anxieties, therapy might even be too big a committment. They may or may not stick it out long enough for it to be effective.

 

I think it's more effective, from our perspective, to take what we've learned about commitment phobic relationships and not repeat them. There are signs we can see if we know what to look for. I went out with a girl last night who was pretty cute, intelligent, and who I seemed to have a good connection with. But she told me that she gets bored easily and hasn't had a relationship last more than three months. I like her, but I think it would be a mistake to think I'd be that lucky guy who will make it.

[Popondetta]

A commitmentphobe will only review their stance when someone dumps their hide when they least expect it.

 

And even then, the review may not lead to a change of heart....

 

Thanks for your post!!

 

I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by "will only review their stance when someone dumps their hind"..

(Sorry, I'm danish and english is not my first language )

 

If I understand correctly you are saying that if the commitment phobic gets dumped first they might change because they want what they can't have?

 

The reason why I've posted this is that I hate thinking that my ex will find someone "better" (cuter, sexier, funnier etc) than me and he will totally change and be ready to commit.. Will that happen? It's my biggest fear right now. I know I should focus on myself, but I hate thinking that he'll find peace and happiness with someone else. (We were so compatible but he started his destructive behaviour and then broke up with me)

Edited April 28, 2011 by Popondetta

[Popondetta]

Agreed. In fact they may even find that it validates their committment anxiety. They might use it as further reason not to let people in, or to dump future partners before they get too close.

 

Typically though, committment phobic people tend to be afraid of committment in other areas of their lives too. My ex could not settle on a career path. She started studying engineering... didn't like it. Got a degree in psychology... didn't like it. Got a degree in nursing... and loved it up until she broke up with me, when I heard she hated it and was thinking about joining a band and leaving.

 

So even if they start therapy to overcome their committment anxieties, therapy might even be too big a committment. They may or may not stick it out long enough for it to be effective.

 

I think it's more effective, from our perspective, to take what we've learned about commitment phobic relationships and not repeat them. There are signs we can see if we know what to look for. I went out with a girl last night who was pretty cute, intelligent, and who I seemed to have a good connection with. But she told me that she gets bored easily and hasn't had a relationship last more than three months. I like her, but I think it would be a mistake to think I'd be that lucky guy who will make it.

 

Edit: I see that you replied to many of my questions below in my other thread.

 

Thanks for your post!

 

So you're basically saying that they can't change and will do the same to their future partners unless they get dumped first?

 

I can recognise what you write about commiting to other things as well. My ex is 33 and couldn't even commit to planning a holiday (and that was during the period where I know for sure he was in love with me.). He also told me when we broke up that he can't plan into the future. I told him that a lot of people have problems planning stuff for the future. He then replied: "But I can't even plan 2 days ahead".. He also never finished his studies.

 

So how do we know for sure when someone breaks up with us due to commitment issues (I find it hard to know if he just fell out of love with me or if it's due to commitment issues). I guess it's better for my ego to think he has commitment issues and he used the words himself when I asked him why he broke up with me.

 

I think you're right that we should take what we've learnt from our commitment issues relationship and try our very best to avoid people like this in the future. I hope I NEVER meet one again. It's been the most painful experience ever. I'm still in shock that he broke up with me.

 

It's good to hear that you're dating again, Ajax! How long was your RS with your ex? Did she tell you that she had commitment issues or did you just figure out afterwards?

Edited April 28, 2011 by Popondetta

[Eeyore79]

Commitment phobics are usually cured pretty quickly when either a) They decide it's the right time in their life for them to commit, or b) They meet someone who they truly love. Either of those reasons could cause a person who was previously commitment phobic to suddenly decide to commit to their next partner.

[soleharmony1123]

The reason why I've posted this is that I hate thinking that my ex will find someone "better" (cuter, sexier, funnier etc) than me and he will totally change and be ready to commit.. Will that happen? It's my biggest fear right now. I know I should focus on myself, but I hate thinking that he'll find peace and happiness with someone else. (We were so compatible but he started his destructive behaviour and then broke up with me)

 

The long & short of it is this: They are who they are & they will not shed skin and morph into some one capable of being a willing participant in a healthy relationship.

 

He may find peace & happiness with someone else - for a time. But chances are it may not last. Often the only reason it may appear that an ex truly moves on to a happier & more peaceful relationship with someone else is simply because that person is willing to put up with their negative behavior. In other words, they know they can get away with doing things that you wouldn't put up with.

 

I surely hope I haven't confused you.

[PinkChic]

Commitment phobics are usually cured pretty quickly when either a) They decide it's the right time in their life for them to commit, or b) They meet someone who they truly love. Either of those reasons could cause a person who was previously commitment phobic to suddenly decide to commit to their next partner.

 

I could not disagree with this statement more.

 

My ex (who is the EXTREMEME CP and knows it!)... him and I have had lengthly conversations about his problems and I have read countless books on CP....

 

My ex has told me multiple times that it has NOTHING to do with love. CP's genuinely love like all of us. They truly feel that sense of love, however compared to us, it scares them... they see it as a way of us forcing them to commit and they simply cannot do it. THEIR MINDS will not allow them. This will happen in EVER RELATIONSHIP... in fact even the BEST relationship EVER will scared them even more and cause them to run even faster. This is what a true CP does.

 

EVERY SINGLE book on CP that I have read states that CP's are not just committment phobe in their relatioinships... there are countless other "red flags" in their life... Popendetta, your comment about how your boyfriend could not even plan a holiday with you... mine was the EXACT same way... He would actually plan the vacation with me... we would book everything and then he would bail days before... For his birthday I thought maybe a baby step would be a day trip (45 minute flight) to NYC... even that he bailed.

 

My ex is VERY stubborn... however, he is VERY WELL AWARE of this serious issue. We are actually have a baby together and he has decided he finally needed to go into counceling.

 

I never realized what a serious issue this was until I became inlove with a CP. To be completely honest, if I could do it all over again I would have ran in the other direction. One of the most painful experiences I have EVER gone through.

[threebyfate]

There are three types of people with commitment issues:

 

• The first type are people who've been burned recently, usually aren't over their exes and shouldn't really have gotten into a relationship in the first place.
  
• The second type are people who just aren't ready to settle down, preferring to remain single or in casual relationships with their eyes open for greener grass at all times.
  
• The third type are the most frightening and do the most damage. They're the ones with unresolved foundational issues where no matter how much they like someone, they cannot love or commit. Fear grips their gut like an octopus on steroids.
  

[PinkChic]

There are three types of people with commitment issues:

 

• The first type are people who've been burned recently, usually aren't over their exes and shouldn't really have gotten into a relationship in the first place.
  
• The second type are people who just aren't ready to settle down, preferring to remain single or in casual relationships with their eyes open for greener grass at all times.
  
• The third type are the most frightening and do the most damage. They're the ones with unresolved foundational issues where no matter how much they like someone, they cannot love or commit. Fear grips their gut like an octopus on steroids.
  

 

I very much so, AGREE!

[google_girl]

well its his or her choice. If they really have desire to get over their past they can commit in next relationship.If not then nothing is going to happen.

What i mean is dont blame it on yourself.Its his issue.

[ironmanpower]

Do people with Commitment Issues jump from one relationship to another? I was with my ex for 3 years and we broke up in January and she mentioned that the problem was with her.

 

She has a bit of commitment issues and is afraid of settling down. Our relationship was beautiful without any issues. But she just snapped when I proposed. Her relationship before ours lasted for 2 years as well and she took a break of 3 months before committing to another RS which was ours.

 

Last I heard after a 3 months break, she's now with a new guy. Question, do CI people jump from one RS to another without realizing the deeper issue they're facing?

[nana841121]

Don't expect to change anyone

They will change themselves due to the outside or introspection or whatever it is.

[PinkChic]

Do people with Commitment Issues jump from one relationship to another? I was with my ex for 3 years and we broke up in January and she mentioned that the problem was with her.

 

She has a bit of commitment issues and is afraid of settling down. Our relationship was beautiful without any issues. But she just snapped when I proposed. Her relationship before ours lasted for 2 years as well and she took a break of 3 months before committing to another RS which was ours.

 

Last I heard after a 3 months break, she's now with a new guy. Question, do CI people jump from one RS to another without realizing the deeper issue they're facing?

 

I don't mean to sound like a know it all on this topic but I have read 8 books on committment phobia.

 

YES. People with CP COMMONLY jump from one relationship to the next. Most of them always feel the grass is greener. Normally when their "internal alarm" goes off they find fault with every one of your characteristics. My ex told me "I was too successful", "too forward" and "too caring".

 

The reality is that if a CP doesn't get help they will run from every great relationship they have. I still read when I'm down the section about how CPs don't run when it's difficult in the relationship (because that is justying in their head a committment is probably not likely if your arguing) but when a relationship is REALLY good.

 

Good Luck and stay clear of CPs... you'll save yourself A LOT of heartache!

[kbme311]

I was a 'commitment phobe' for the longest time.

 

I've had long term relationships, the longest being 3 years and have lived with people but, I always knew that I was not going to spend the rest of my life with that person.

 

I have finished all the relationships that I've been in because they weren't going anywhere.

 

I never wanted to settle down and there's nothing anyone could have said to have made me settle down.

 

It's only now, that I'm approaching 40, that I want to settle down and get married.

 

Some people just take longer than others to know what they want. It wasn't until my last long term relationship ended that I finally thought that I wanted to get married. I wanted that commitment to one person and to work though issues and grow as a couple.

 

I think it's like a water table where each individual has to find their own balance.

 

It wasn't pathological for me though - I didn't run if someone bought theatre tickets.

[ironmanpower]

What would you do if you know your ex is a commitment phobic? Do you speak to her closed ones about this or do you just leave it as it is?

 

This article describes people with commitment phobic and it describes my ex very well.

 

http://www.anxietymatters.com/symptoms_of_anxiety/phobias/commitment_phobia/symptoms_of_commitment_phobia.htm#1

[kbme311]

What would you do if you know your ex is a commitment phobic? Do you speak to her closed ones about this or do you just leave it as it is?

 

This article describes people with commitment phobic and it describes my ex very well.

 

http://www.anxietymatters.com/symptoms_of_anxiety/phobias/commitment_phobia/symptoms_of_commitment_phobia.htm#1

 

If someone doesn't want to commit to you, then they don't want to commit. It doesn't really matter why.

 

My ex doesn't want a committed relationship with me. I just wish he had been honest from the start but he strung me along.

 

Why would you discuss your relationship with an ex with their friends or family? You can't bully someone into being committed to you.

 

You let them go. Best of luck:)

 

eta

I've just read that article and it still sounds like me! I have a habit of going for men who are emotionally unavailable or don't want me or are simply unsuitable like my recent ex. He reckons I sabotaged the relationship (I finished it about 5 times before the actual real split hmmmm )

 

I do so love my freedom though;)

Edited May 3, 2011 by kbme311

[willowthewisp]

Do people with Commitment Issues jump from one relationship to another? I was with my ex for 3 years and we broke up in January and she mentioned that the problem was with her.

 

She has a bit of commitment issues and is afraid of settling down. Our relationship was beautiful without any issues. But she just snapped when I proposed. Her relationship before ours lasted for 2 years as well and she took a break of 3 months before committing to another RS which was ours.

 

Last I heard after a 3 months break, she's now with a new guy. Question, do CI people jump from one RS to another without realizing the deeper issue they're facing?

 

Yes, CPs do jump from one relationship to another, it is very common for this pattern to happen and it is actually a way you can tell if someone might be CP when you first start dating them. Look at their relationship history, a string of short to mediam term relationships, when you ask why they broke up, the "reasons" will be very flimsy and they will admit no part in the failure.

 

Having said that the trigger point of CP for CPs is different for each individual, for some its sex, some moving in together, some marriage, some (after marriage) birth of first child, some birth of last child, some just being in a really good relationship means committment could be imminent and start the need to run. CP means living in constant push/pull. That is why they ALWAYS leave at a high point of a relationship, it's like engulfment to them.

 

Good book on the subject is He's Scared, She's Scared by Stephen Carter.

[kbme311]

Yes, CPs do jump from one relationship to another, it is very common for this pattern to happen and it is actually a way you can tell if someone might be CP when you first start dating them. Look at their relationship history, a string of short to mediam term relationships, when you ask why they broke up, the "reasons" will be very flimsy and they will admit no part in the failure.

 

Having said that the trigger point of CP for CPs is different for each individual, for some its sex, some moving in together, some marriage, some (after marriage) birth of first child, some birth of last child, some just being in a really good relationship means committment could be imminent and start the need to run. CP means living in constant push/pull. That is why they ALWAYS leave at a high point of a relationship, it's like engulfment to them.

 

Good book on the subject is He's Scared, She's Scared by Stephen Carter.

 

If commitment phobes jump from one relationship to another then I am not a commitment phobe. I also don't use other relationships to get out of present relationships. I've been single longer than I've been in relationships.

 

Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet and it isn't commitment phobia...

[willowthewisp]

If commitment phobes jump from one relationship to another then I am not a commitment phobe. I also don't use other relationships to get out of present relationships. I've been single longer than I've been in relationships.

 

Maybe I just haven't met the right person yet and it isn't commitment phobia...

 

If you are unsure then maybe read the book by Stephen Carter, it is written for either a non CP or a CP (provided they are able to truely read it with an open mind) to identify whther they are suffering from the phobia. If it turns out you are, the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help overcome it permantly.

 

One thing that struck me was your comment re your most recent break up "he was simply unsuitable". Why?

 

EDIT - retorecial (sp) question, ask yourself when reasing the book, it may help you clairfy things.

Edited May 3, 2011 by willowthewisp

[kbme311]

If you are unsure then maybe read the book by Stephen Carter, it is written for either a non CP or a CP (provided they are able to truely read it with an open mind) to identify whther they are suffering from the phobia. If it turns out you are, the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help overcome it permantly.

 

One thing that struck me was your comment re your most recent break up "he was simply unsuitable". Why?

 

I don't think I am commitment phobic as I have been in committed relationships but never saw myself spending the rest of my life with that person. I've always been happy seeing life as an open road with lots of turns that I can't see past.

 

I think what I'm doing is trying to resolve unresolved issues with my dad through my boyfriends. My dad was both physically and emotionally distant. He always maintained that he never wanted children so I never felt wanted.

 

I therefore choose unavailable men and get hurt each and every time I get rejected.

 

As far as my last boyfriend was concerned, where do I start?

 

He was over 10 years younger than me. Had no idea what he wanted out of life. Was already into someone else when we got together though he denied it. He said he wanted to make the relationship work but did the opposite...he was just unsuitable in every way shape and form possible.

 

According to the article above, that's what commitment phobes do though, get into relationships with people who are unsuitable and non committal.

[GreenPolicy]

There are three types of people with commitment issues:

 

• The first type are people who've been burned recently, usually aren't over their exes and shouldn't really have gotten into a relationship in the first place.
  
• The second type are people who just aren't ready to settle down, preferring to remain single or in casual relationships with their eyes open for greener grass at all times.
  
• The third type are the most frightening and do the most damage. They're the ones with unresolved foundational issues where no matter how much they like someone, they cannot love or commit. Fear grips their gut like an octopus on steroids.
  

 

The first two really don't have commitment issues. If you're 23 years old and just out of college, you're not a commitment-phobe for not wanting to get married and settle down. People in rebound situations are simply not emotionally available.

 

As for the third, I speak from very personal painful experience when I say that anyone who encounters these people in the wild deserves the deepest sympathy. I've come to believe that commitment phobia isn't really a condition, it is instead a pattern with a root cause, usually a Cluster B personality disorder.

 

Surviving a breakup with a Cluster B woman is a profound, life-changing experience. You are never quite the same person afterwards. It is emotionally akin to losing a limb in battle or having cancer in remission. Your belief system about women is dislodged at the core.

Edited May 4, 2011 by GreenPolicy

[Ajax]

Surviving a breakup with a Cluster B woman is a profound, life-changing experience. You are never quite the same person afterwards. It is emotionally akin to losing a limb in battle or having cancer in remission. Your belief system about women is dislodged at the core.

 

I agree for the most part. Especially about not being the same person afterwards.

 

I also read "He's Scared, She's Scared" and my ex certainly fit the bill for a commitment phobe. It wasn't a matter of her feeling too young to settle down yet. It was a matter of emotional intimacy that she couldn't handle. It was like a switch flipped in her brain. I was the first to say "I love you" a few months before the breakup. She said she felt the same, and she said and did things to back that up.

 

But I think it was all still just theoretical to her. One night she started a very serious conversation in which she wanted me to know just how in love with me she was, and how much she wanted a future with me. Me thinking we were taking our relationship to a new level (not sex, we'd already crossed that bridge) told her exactly how I felt about her. That I;d never loved anyone as much as her.

 

That was the tipping point. A week later she left, saying she couldn't handle a relationship right now and giving vague explainations. After reading the book, I can see red flags that I'd missed. She did have a tendency to push/pull. And she even said once how she never wanted to lose herself in a relationship. I think when she realized how serious things had gotten, she panicked and shut down.

 

So as Greenpolicy said, it changes you. I opened up to her because she created a safe environment for me by assuring me of her feelings, only to pull the rug out from under me. I can't say I'll never fall in love again, but it's going to be a lot harder to gain my trust. Not impossible necessarily, but really... really difficult.

[Popondetta]

The long & short of it is this: They are who they are & they will not shed skin and morph into some one capable of being a willing participant in a healthy relationship.

 

He may find peace & happiness with someone else - for a time. But chances are it may not last. Often the only reason it may appear that an ex truly moves on to a happier & more peaceful relationship with someone else is simply because that person is willing to put up with their negative behavior. In other words, they know they can get away with doing things that you wouldn't put up with.

 

I surely hope I haven't confused you.

 

Thanks for the reassurance!

It feels good to read that he will most likely not change.

I don't think he has the worst degree of CI/CP since we were dating for 2 years before this happened. We are both 33 and I wasn't nagging about getting married, moving in, having kids etc because I was pretty happy just being GF/BF for the time being since neither of us had fulltime jobs etc. So I wasn't pressuring him about anything but I think he started thinking about moving in together and that's when I think he started panicking, getting grumpy, smoking alot and pulling away from me.

 

What I'm meaning to say is that I was a girl putting up with quite alot (I found myself often not making other plans in case he wanted to hang out, since he could never plan doing anything together).

 

So he's be lucky to meet someone who would put up with it the way I did..

[Popondetta]

Commitment phobics are usually cured pretty quickly when either a) They decide it's the right time in their life for them to commit, or b) They meet someone who they truly love. Either of those reasons could cause a person who was previously commitment phobic to suddenly decide to commit to their next partner.

 

If what you say is right then there is no such thing as Commitment Phobia/Issues, but rather that it's a question of not having met someone they truly love yet or a question of being ready for commitment.