Do they ever change? (People with Commitment Issues)

[Popondetta]

I could not disagree with this statement more.

 

My ex (who is the EXTREMEME CP and knows it!)... him and I have had lengthly conversations about his problems and I have read countless books on CP....

 

My ex has told me multiple times that it has NOTHING to do with love. CP's genuinely love like all of us. They truly feel that sense of love, however compared to us, it scares them... they see it as a way of us forcing them to commit and they simply cannot do it. THEIR MINDS will not allow them. This will happen in EVER RELATIONSHIP... in fact even the BEST relationship EVER will scared them even more and cause them to run even faster. This is what a true CP does.

 

EVERY SINGLE book on CP that I have read states that CP's are not just committment phobe in their relatioinships... there are countless other "red flags" in their life... Popendetta, your comment about how your boyfriend could not even plan a holiday with you... mine was the EXACT same way... He would actually plan the vacation with me... we would book everything and then he would bail days before... For his birthday I thought maybe a baby step would be a day trip (45 minute flight) to NYC... even that he bailed.

 

My ex is VERY stubborn... however, he is VERY WELL AWARE of this serious issue. We are actually have a baby together and he has decided he finally needed to go into counceling.

 

I never realized what a serious issue this was until I became inlove with a CP. To be completely honest, if I could do it all over again I would have ran in the other direction. One of the most painful experiences I have EVER gone through.

 

Thanks a lot for your view on this issue.

I really feel like I get some more insight from all you guys and I thank you for that. I've read the "he's scared, she's scared", but don't know if I should read anymore since reading about it makes me think about him even more...cause I really really just need to understand (even though great people here on LS tell me to stop trying to understand the "whys and what ifs" cause it's impossible for us to understand a person with CP).

 

What is really bothering me though is that I don't know if I'm just trying to blame the breakup on the condition because it hurts too much to think that he just fell out of love with me. How do I know if he's a commitment phobic? )As I wrote above I don't think he has extreme CP.

Could you please let me know if you think my ex has CI/CP?

 

Some of the things that make me think so;

1. Broke up due to feeling extremely confused and not sure what to do

2. Told me he loved me but maybe not in the right way

3. Told me we would be great together if he chose to continue the RS, but was worried these thoughts would come back to haunt him in a couple of years

4. Did the same thing to his ex (and ended up regretting it)

5. Has told me he can't plan 2 years into the future...I told him I can't do that either. To wich he replied: "I can't even plan 2 days in the future"

6. Had difficulty deciding on and planning holiday (But would actually plan it with me if I told him he had to make up his mind about where and when to go etc)

7. Some red flags I should have seen concerning intimacy. Not much kissing unless sex wasn't involved (even when we were in love in the beginning of the RS). Not very keen on talking about intimate stuff like sex and feelings.

8. We never had any argumenst or fights that led to the breakup

9. He startet being destrucive during the last 6 months, smoking pot every day. He started being destrucive at the height of our relationship

10. He always wanted to keep his days open, meaning that anytime we were together it was because he just felt like hanging out there and then, not because we planned to hang out that day. This left me feeling like I couldn't make any plans with my friends in case he wanted to hang out that day.

11. His parents were fighting ALOT when he grew up

12. I think he was hurt by some girl when he was very young.

13. When I asked him why he was confused he told me it was due to Commitment Issues (I don't think he's read about it, but those were the exact words he used, in english even..)

14. The breakup seemed to be so sudden, but maybe I was just blind.

 

Well I think alot of these things points to the fact that maybe he has CI (maybe not as strong as CP), but couldn't it also be that he just wasn't feeling it with me, and that he didn't love me?

What do you guys think? Am I just blaming the breakup on something because it makes my pain more bearable?

 

I would also run for the hills if I knew this in the beginning of the RS. I have seriously never felt more pain in my entire life!! I have so many questions that I cannot ask him because now it's too late and I hadn't read about CP when the breakup happened.

 

I'm glad you ex realizes that he has such issues and that he's agreeing to go to counseling.

 

I wish I could talk to my ex about this. I miss him so much and I just want to tell him everything!

[honeybeez]

 

 

Some red flags I should have seen concerning intimacy. Not much kissing unless sex wasn't involved (even when we were in love in the beginning of the RS). Not very keen on talking about intimate stuff like sex and feelings.

 

 

 

It certainly sounds to me as though he does have some commitment issues, but the kissing issue might certainly be a sign.

 

I've been in a relationship with a CI/CP for nearly 2 years and just deciding if I want to carry on with it as I really don't feel special to him at all any more. After the first couple of months when he did used to kiss me properly it dropped to a kiss hello and goodbye and now he only really kisses me goodbye - one kiss on the mouth, one on either cheek, then another on the mouth. Sometimes he gives me a kiss on the forehead. He has the added issue of erection problems so I think it's a way of stopping spontaneous sexual situations arising.

 

He's been honest from day one but as I don't want to live with him or get married again I thought it would be ok, but I wasn't prepared for his confusing behaviours, some are CI related but some I think are just due to his excessive self-control.

 

I think you just have to decide what you can cope with and forget labels but go with what's there, as you surely will never change them! So all the reading in the world might help you understand their issues but all you'll then be doing is trying to adapt your personality to fit in with theirs in order to stay with them a bit longer - I don't think they'd be wasting a single breath to return the favour!