Don't want my ex back, but want him to try?

[Jerrica]

2 months since my break up, 1 week total NC. I must say, I have come a LONG way, especially for having to maintain LC for most of the 2 months. OF COURSE I still have bad days, which is expected...

 

BUT I am reaching a very angry stage, I feel SO angry at him!!!! I'm almost disgusted by what he did to me.

 

BUT on the other hand a part of me wants him to TRY to come back (obviously I'd say NO!!!!) but I still want him to try, so I can show him how well I'm doing, how good I look (lost weight and toned up ) and just what he lost.

 

Anyone else still hoping for this opportunity?? Anyone HAD this opportunity and how did it go? how AWESOME did it feel?

[nana841121]

I feel the same way.

There were so many stages about feeling toward ex after breakup.

feel disgusted and angry with him was primary stage.

 

I am a person who is scared of confrontation and awkward moment, so when we broke up, we broke up in a seemingly peaceful way. the spin-off product was i always felt there was something else unsettled with him.

 

so i hope he could come back and i know i won't take him back.

[reallyconfused2542]

thats quite a post from the one you first posted where you would do anything to have him back....i still think its kind of messed up though that you hope he calls just so you can reject him....

[Jerrica]

I know, and it's amazing what 2 months can do. I have since come to reality with his abuse, and am no longer in denial about it. That was a big step for me, to actually come out and talk about what he did and to listen to myself talk about it I realized just how awful he was to me! So I have a lot of pent up anger with him and with myself for not leaving him a long time ago.

 

I've realized that the "him" I want back doesn't exist, he put on a show for as long as he could, he knew the type of guy I wanted and he pretended to be that guy. Of course I still want that guy, if I knew he could be that guy I would take him back in a second but I've accepted that he IS NOT that guy. He is an abusive selfish man.

 

I guess I want to show him now that I see right through him, I see him for who he really is now and the fantasy that he can be that guy is completely gone from my mind. The rose colored glasses have come off and I want him to know how awful he was. So yes, I would take satisfaction in being able to reject him because he deserves it. But I'm also going through the angry bitter stage so I don't think it's messed up to feel that way right now. I'm sure the anger will dissolve in another month or so and eventually I will be indifferent. I can't wait for that day!

[JasonRules]

BUT on the other hand a part of me wants him to TRY to come back (obviously I'd say NO!!!!)

 

 

You do realize that you are coming across as someone egotistical? On one hand you say that you "do not want my ex back", but on the other hand you say "a part of me wants him to TRY to come back (obviously I'd say NO!!!!".

 

Wow...I counted four exclamation marks. To me that sounds like a definite NO. So you're telling us you want your ex to TRY (notice the uppercase), but you're adament you would never get back with him.

 

 

Sounds to me like you're feeling a little insecure and need your ego stroked. Don't play games. If you're not interested in getting back with him, then don't string him along. Just let it be.

[Jerrica]

I wouldn't say I'm egotistical, just suffering from low self esteem. He pretty much destroyed my self worth with all the abuse, I have been doing lots of work to get it back, but an ego stroke wouldn't be a bad thing for me right now....

 

I've been getting lots of attention from other guys, but for some reason I still want it from HIM. For him to realize what he had. Of course a part of me wants him back, but I could never allow it after the things he did, it just would never work.

 

Of course I have insecurities still, I was abused, it doesn't exactly make a girl feel special.....I feel like I'm damaged goods and will never escape the painful memories. I guess I'm just hoping karma works its magic, I'm not at the point yet where I wish him well. I wish he could feel my pain as an abused women. It just is so unfair that I had to go thru that, when I never did anything to deserve it. Like bad things always happen to good people. Just feeling super angry lately.......does feel good to vent tho and I'm going to start kickboxing next week and looking forward to releasing some anger that way

[GorillaTheater]

I'd say it's perfectly natural, particularly for someone in the Anger stage. What could be a better fantasy than having the ex crawl back, giving you the chance to shred their heart the way they did yours? Makes perfect sense.

 

And you know you've healed when you reach the point where you simply don't care whether they crawl back or not. In fact, you might feel embarrassed for them if they did. You'll get there. Just give it time.

[DollyGirl12]

I can relate to what you are feeling. I guess in the early stages of my breakup I can recall having similar feelings. It's not that you want them back. I'm not even sure it's that you want them to try to come back. You just want to know that they cared to some degree, to validate that it all was not just "nothing" which is the way many are left feeling. I think these feelings tend to generate more from those of us that have gone through an ending with someone who has cheated/been abusive/etc.

 

The one thing I can tell you, however, is that he has not had a personality or a character transplant. He will not be a "different" person. Your ex has shown a very abusive nature and I think he would be doing you a great favor not to make any further attempts. Think of it as a blessing in disguise, because that is what it truly would be if he never contacted you again. You deserve much better!

[ahoy]

My ex sent me a message hinting at reconciliation about a month ago, but instead of replying to her with the "No thanks" that I'd originally intended on I decided to not reply at all. I refuse to open the door to communication between us two.

[TheLoneSock]

If he treated you so badly why would you want even the faint whisper of his name to come back around, let alone for him to come around wanting to get back together?

 

I would think you'd never want to see or hear from him again. You are ass backwards.

[Jerrica]

Dollygirl you I think hit it on the nose, you just want to know that they cared and it wasn't just all a big lie and all for nothing. And of course it would feel nice at this stage to shred their heart!!! If that's even possible with cold hearted abusive men.

 

LoneStock, you are right, I SHOULDN'T want to hear from him EVER again, logically I KNOW this....but my mind hasn't quite taken over my heart yet (getting there though). I did love this man (or what he pretended to be) very very much! It's not backwards, it's angry thoughts which are normal right now.

 

I think at the anger stage it is perfectly normal to want the chance to reject your ex and have them feel your pain. Of course revenge is never the answer, I would never intentionally do anything to hurt him, but to know that karma is doing what it should would be a nice peace of mind

[MissMoni]

It's not weird, Jerrica. I still wish that my ex would come crawling back sometimes. It's wrong, but on some level I want him to be as hurt as I was...I want to be able to say, "Well, you made your bed and now lie in it." Knowing me, I'm too nice to actually do or say that, so it's just a fantasy. Most of all, I wish that he would just show that he cared..on any level. I feel like someone who can just walk out of your life..must not have cared very much in the first place, and that's hard.

[Kristie16]

This is EXACTLY how I feel. For so long he talked about how lucky he was to have me. On paper at least, it seems like I was "the catch." His dad even asked me one time why I was with him. So for him to end things with me, especially for the reasons he did and so quickly, hurt my already fragile self-esteem. I know we're not good together. I was being brought down by him and we're just not compatible long term, but I realized that I wanted it all to happen on my terms. Him calling the shots through me off, and I didn't like it.

 

When someone breaks up with you, especially when you think he could never leave because he has to feel so lucky to be with you, it's definitely a shocker and puts things in perspective.

 

I dont even know if he would ever try to get me back. I think we both realized we just weren't compatible long term, but since he broke up with me because he preferred the slacker lifestyle more than being with me, I definitely sometimes want to run into him and he think, "wow, I had a great girl and I let her slip away."

 

It's just that little bit of selfish pride that I think everyone dumped out of the blue has to at least want a little bit.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd say it's perfectly natural, particularly for someone in the Anger stage. What could be a better fantasy than having the ex crawl back, giving you the chance to shred their heart the way they did yours? Makes perfect sense.

 

And you know you've healed when you reach the point where you simply don't care whether they crawl back or not. In fact, you might feel embarrassed for them if they did. You'll get there. Just give it time.

 

This^^^^. It is just fine and just feelings popping out. It isn't a reflection of tried and true character. You aren't trying to manipulate him to do that or anything, you are just having a wish to be validated.

 

The ironic thing is that most of the exes that make that reappearance do so long after you have moved on and couldn't care less.

 

My ex sent me a message hinting at reconciliation about a month ago, but instead of replying to her with the "No thanks" that I'd originally intended on I decided to not reply at all. I refuse to open the door to communication between us two.

 

Good for you.

 

It's not weird, Jerrica. I still wish that my ex would come crawling back sometimes. It's wrong, but on some level I want him to be as hurt as I was...I want to be able to say, "Well, you made your bed and now lie in it." Knowing me, I'm too nice to actually do or say that, so it's just a fantasy. Most of all, I wish that he would just show that he cared..on any level. I feel like someone who can just walk out of your life..must not have cared very much in the first place, and that's hard.

 

My H and I separated, he put me through Hell and one night he made a soft, gentle move towards fixing up a bit. I ripped him a new one. It wasn't as satisfying as I thought and I just felt bad after.