I let him go

[BB07]

What a screwed up mess Miranda!

This is harsh.......but spare us the bs about you sending him home, there is nothing good about your motives and you are deluding yourself to think so.

 

The best thing your mm could do is completely cut off contact with his wife, let a 3rd party deal with the finances and get the legal papers going. He has hurt her too much and she will eventually hate his guts and him going back is only going to make her suffer more. There is no fixing that.

 

The best thing you can do is cut off contact with both of them and address why you allowed yourself to get into such a mess. Walk away and fix yourself.

[xxoo]

This situation IS a hot mess

 

Give him a chance to get his house in order, and keep your expectations firm. You know what you deserve, and should not accept less because he is "doing his best". If his best isn't good enough--well, that is good information to know before hitching your wagon to his.

 

If he can fully extricate himself from him marriage, stay stable through the separation, and establish himself as a single man in the community, then he will have proven himself to have decent "relationship potential".

[Silly_Girl]

What a screwed up mess Miranda!

This is harsh.......but spare us the bs about you sending him home, there is nothing good about your motives and you are deluding yourself to think so.

 

The best thing your mm could do is completely cut off contact with his wife, let a 3rd party deal with the finances and get the legal papers going. He has hurt her too much and she will eventually hate his guts and him going back is only going to make her suffer more. There is no fixing that.

 

The best thing you can do is cut off contact with both of them and address why you allowed yourself to get into such a mess. Walk away and fix yourself.

 

BB, I've only skim-read this thread. What do YOU say Miranda's motives are? How is she deluding herself?

 

And why does she need to cut contact with him if they love each other, want to be together, and there's no real marriage for him to return to?

[Silly_Girl]

This situation IS a hot mess

 

Give him a chance to get his house in order, and keep your expectations firm. You know what you deserve, and should not accept less because he is "doing his best". If his best isn't good enough--well, that is good information to know before hitching your wagon to his.

 

If he can fully extricate himself from him marriage, stay stable through the separation, and establish himself as a single man in the community, then he will have proven himself to have decent "relationship potential".

 

Really like this post. I imagine there must be a lot of drama for all concerned right now. Never healthy. Some reflection and perspective for all is a great idea.

[Carrot2000]

I could be (and hope I am) totally wrong because I would hate to be married to someone who didn't see me as his first choice.

 

It's even worse to be in an affair with someone who can't even make a choice.

 

This man is *****ting on two women and neither of them realize it. You're both so caught up on the drama and loving him that you're letting him drag you through the dirt.

 

This situation is sad all around. Miranda, the best you can do is remove yourself from this mess entirely. You've only invested six months; you can walk away and move on with your life.

[CALOVELY]

You posting all kinds of details about her, her life, her son, etc. gives me the creeps. First you destroy her world and now you post about it for the entire world to read? Totally uncool. Leave her details out of it.

[miranda3379]

I really fail to see how he did anything horrible to me. He didn't cheat on me, he didn't have a commitment to me that he threw away in five minutes to be with someone else. I don't delude myself that I am just so irresisible or special that he couldn't help himself and chose to throw it all away just for a chance with me. He was checked out of his marriage way before I came along. Yes, maybe he was hanging in there because it was easier and less painful for both than leaving. But I read stories on here of MM who have affairs for 2 years and never leave their wife or they keep promising they will leave and keep stringing the OW along. My MM left. He never went back to work things out or to even try to see if he could work on his marriage. He wanted to be without his wife and yes he went about it the wrong way but he left after only 3 months! He has never led me on, hasn't ran back to his wife and then came back to me over and over like some MM do. Once he left he was checked out mentally and physically and he never did anything that he thought would give her hope.

 

He is hurt and confused now because his wife is acting beyond repair. She says everything she has is gone and she can't take care of herself. Her family will not step in and help and apparently her friends are telling her to hang in there that he will come running back to her once he tires of his new plaything.(me). She gets so upset over and over because she is waiting to see her friends' prediction come true and it hasn't. Every time he is there (to drop off money, see his dogs etc) which might be once every two weeks- she takes it as if he sees her he will realize how much he's missed her needs her etc and he will return.. And its not happening and she is frustrated and broken and sad and lets him know about it every single day. Because he is not inhuman he feels guilt. He didn't mean to destroy someone's life. He wasn't thinking about her when he cheated. He said she seemed so detached from him that he didn't think it would matter much.

 

Even if he hadn't cheated, If he just wanted a divorce. She would be in the same state. Because when one person doesn't want the other to leave they are going to grieve.

 

And no i don't think I made some noble gesture to atone for my sins by sending him home. I didn't do it for her. If I wanted to do something for her I would tape record him telling me he doesn't miss his home life, doesn't miss her and feels guilty that he has no feelings left for her while she has so many for him. Then I would play it for her so she can see that the man she thinks her husband is, the man that she is missing so terribly, DOES NOT EXIST. I sent him home for myself. Because it hurts to be part of a roller coaster ride where one day our time together is fantastic and the next he is hurting and confused and feels cornered into returning home because his wife refuses to take care of herself. He would be returning to ease his own conscience and out of pity for her. Not because he realized he made a mistake or because he wasn't happy with me. Not because he is truly sorry for having an affair, but just out of the guilt that he feels because she is so helpless and he feels she may never heal.

 

I knew it wouldn't be all great, knew we had some hard times ahead of us. But I can't stand to see him so wracked with guilt. His wife isn't entirely blameless for the way he feels (lost love for her). He is entirely to blame for cheating on her (me as well) She had no part and should take NO blame for that. But she chose to treat him a certain way and not value him while they were married. She chose not to put him first at times, not to make him laugh, not to take his side over her son's at times (her son is in prison partly because she never held him responsible for anything) so those are little things that ate away at their marriage. He is not blameless either. He should have never had his first affair (or this one) and shouldn't have pined for his AP for years afterward. That ate away at their marriage too.

 

So, do I think I'm noble for sending him back? Hell NO! If she takes him back I think she will eventually be miserable because she will be paranoid and worried and will become resentful one day. I did this for me. I miss him, it hurts. But I miss what I thought he was- someone who treated me so wonderfully and made me feel so good. When the pressure is on he can't keep up that facade and I don't want someone eventually leaving me because they feel guilt and want to return just because they feel trapped with no other choice.

[BB07]

To obsess about the whys of him and her doing what they did and to defend yourself here is pointless Miranda. It changes nothing.

 

As I said before......start your healing into motion by complete NC and figure out why you got yourself into this mess.

[miranda3379]

You posting all kinds of details about her, her life, her son, etc. gives me the creeps. First you destroy her world and now you post about it for the entire world to read? Totally uncool. Leave her details out of it.

 

 

Sorry, just answering a question someone asked about how do I think he can lose love for his wife so quickly but she can't get over it very quickly. I'm not sharing any identifiable details of her life. Just things he has told me.

 

I think that people have unusually high expectations about these situations. As in the OW is not supposed to even listen to anything MM says regarding his wife because she is supposed to stay out of their marriage. Well it wasn't something sacred when MM involved a third party in it. He should respect his wife enough not to disclose things she would not want known. But when someone is in a relationship they obviously talk to and look for support from their partner. And in affair the AP often becomes the primary partner to the MP. the one they confide in and feel more emotionally close to. May be wrong but this is what seems to happen.

 

And also with breakups, divorces, separations etc. Seems the school of thought is if one wants out of the relationship they are immediately to leave, cease all contact and somehow pretend the other person never existed. I find that to be unrealistic. I've only gone through a few major break ups in my life but in each there was always contact afterward. the first I left- moved 5 hours away back home, broke off the engagement and we still had contact. We still had a pet in common and shared visitation (silly I know) and to this day we still talk once in awhile. That was over 13 years ago. The 2nd I left and he acted much like MM's wife and I tried to cut all contact but we had mutual friends etc and while contact was cut to a minimum it was several months before that happened since we had to sort out furniture, bills, etc. The 3rd, he left, moved all his stuff out within a week but kept calling and harrassing me and yelling at me and that ended with me changing my number and moving. And each it was over a period of months that the break up was totally sorted out. Got way off topic. sorry.