DoEs He LiKe Me Or JuSt As A fRiEnD??? ShOuLd I PuRsUe It??

[ChYnA DoLL]

This guy is the i've known forever but only just became closer-type. We've always hung out with the same people, lived down the street from each other. But since 2 weeks ago we've been going out and when we are in the middle of a big crowd he would hold me, put his arm around me. We've slept next to each other and we'd cuddle up to each other. Only now I realize what a great guy he is. The only thing is that he still cares for his ex- (who I've heard only takes him for his money and sees other guys) and she just told him that she "SUPPOSEDLY" is ready to settle down with only him. They aren't together again yet, he doesn't know I think of him as more than a friend, and i want to be the one he's thinking of and loving. The only thing holdng me back is my fear of falling in love and getting broken hearted. I don't want to stop him from being with someone he loves and have him always wondering about her. I hate the fact that if he choses her that he is a perfect guy gone to someone undiserving. Should I see if he just sees me as a friend and if so leave it at that?? If he could see beyond our friendship, how should I persue it?? Should I??

[Tony T]

You say you don't want to fall in love with him under the circumstances but I think you are already in love with him.

 

You have absolutely NOTHING to lose by letting him know TODAY, RIGHT NOW how you feel about him and that you like to have the chance to explore the relationship more fully. You probably should have done that sooner. Part of your motivation now is that his ex now says she's ready to settle down.

 

Hopefully, your friend does not allow his ex to reel him back into her life at her convenience. If he does, he is a wimp and you don't need him.

 

If you let him know how you feel and he rejects the idea, no big deal. At least you have put things on the table. It is no big deal because if he goes back with his ex, or anybody else for that matter, your friendship will drastically fade over time because people in other relationships move on in different directions, even if their mate allows a continuation of the male/female friendship. For the record, guys can usually continue pretty good relationships with guys that get married...and girls sort of the same way with girls. With girls, when the girl who get's married starts having kids, that will diminish a friendhship just by virtue to the time necessary for the kid. It gets worse as she has more kids unless both of them have kids at the same time and the rugrats can play together while the ladies are sipping tea.

 

If you talk to him about this and he goes back with his ex anyway, he should be mature enough to keep his mouth shut and continue being your buddy. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT AT ALL. If he goes back with the ex, you will need to avoid him, at least for a while, to protect your feelings...unless you just love making yourself feel bad.

 

So go for it knowing totally and completely you have nothing whatsoever to lose. You need to resolve this within yourself. You can't go on the rest of your life wondering what may have been.

 

Now, if he rejects upgrading a friendship with you and doesn't get back with his ex either, chances are excellent that the two of you can still be friends if he handles this maturely and kindly. Again, if he doesn't, you know he's not a very good friend...and you have won that way too because you don't need a friend who can't handle how you feel!!!

 

TALK TO HIM TODAY...IN PERSON!!!

[BJ]

Tony, I can relate to Oliver's posting, and can especially relate to his saying that his ex "drew it out of him, and then preyed upon it." I think that women...OK, SOME WOMEN...tend to say that they want emotional men, try to "break down a man's guard," in a sense, and then, when he has let down his walls, they see the vulnerable person underneath. In my relationship, initially, I was a strong person, very strong. The girl just is relentless at getting you to become and express yourself as being overwhelmingly in love with you. After a while, it consumes you, and you believe, "this is somebody I can show any side to." Then, it's this very vulnerability that turns them off.

 

I agree with Oliver...it's a very thin line. The advice that I have been given by my sage old neighbor, is that women want a "steel pipe" in a man (no explicit reference here). What he means by this is that women want you to be solid, like a steel pipe, but tempered with some sensitivity, like rubber. My problem with this, however, is that why should we TRY to be anything (steel pipe included) that we're not? I think I'm a very strong person, and Oliver might very well be too. But sometimes, women break you down, or better yet, convince you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they're not going to leave you if you show emotions. As soon as you TOTALLY believe this, and accept it as a given, and take it for granted, they see it as a turnoff. Do they just want the challenge, and then when the challenge is over, they don't want it? Is it only immature girls that might follow this pattern? How can you tell is a girl is one that you can truly open up to, or just wants the challenge? And the only problem I have with Tony's advice to Oliver is that if somebody like Oliver is truly himself, he sets himself up for alot of hurt if he allows himself to be vulnerable to these women...until he meets the "right one."

[BJ]

I meant to post this response under Oliver's posting below about "am I a woman emotionally"

 

Tony-pls respond, if you would.

[Tony T]

You make some very valid points. Your sage neighbor is very wise. Love can really be a bxtch sometimes.

 

Today's woman claims she wants an outwardly, emotionally open man who can talk about and show his feelings. I agree that at the same time, many women can jump right into that vulnerability and chomp away at a man's soul, using what he has disclosed to her advantage...at some point in time.

 

I am in complete agreement that women mostly want a MAN, which is what I invariably tell people who post here. But there has to be a balance and the man has to show some emotion and vulnerability while setting strict boundaries and NEVER taking any crap from anyone.

 

This love stuff is not for the meek. You've got to be strong, weak, hardened, vulnerable, generous, selfish, etc., all these things at once. Love requires the entire spectrum of qualities and especially the keen knowledge of when to execute what and for how long. Those who are extremely successful at love are those who have excellent timing.

 

I think as a woman matures, she is less into games and becomes more sincere. Unfortunately, the times in which we live seem to breed more insincerity and a bit more deceit. But our chances of finding someone who will not pounce all over us in our vulnerable state of love are far greater with someone who is older and more mature. Note: Even if a young chirpie SEEMS mature, don't believe it for a second. She is just as capable of using a man as others.

 

It is so odd to read many posts because when I was younger, I used to hear the girls always talking about the guys who manipulated them, who took advantage of them, who used them for sex and tossed them aside. But I am seeing that men are perhaps too embarrassed to admit the same kinds of things happen to them. Many men do not consider it so macho that they loved someone so much and got taken.

 

So I guess life sort of balances things out for the sexes. Any way you slice it, love is a risk...but that risk is diminished siginificantly if we take smart risks and stay on our feet.

 

I think we can all become weak when we are madly in love. That's why love requires us to be fully conscious at all times. No matter what our sex and no matter how much we love someone, we cannot allow ourselves to be used, taken advantage of or disrepected. In other words, at the same time we take risks to fully love someone, we have to love ourselves even more and be ready to move on if things aren't right.

 

The most critical issue of all is that when we do meet Ms. Right...or Mr. Right (in the case of a woman), love can burn out pretty quickly if boundaries aren't maintained. A married woman or a woman in a committed relationship is looking for the same things in her mate that a still-searching single woman is looking for. You have to maintain what your sage called that "steel pipe" down your spine even after you have found true love...or it can turn rotten fast.

 

In Oliver's case, if he is NOT himself with women, he is guilty of false advertising and runs the serious risk of not finding Ms. Right because he will not be showing the side he wants loved by the woman of his dreams. You can be yourself and not take any crap. You just have to make the adjustment.

 

Isn't love such a bxtch!!!

[Dragonflys]

To BJ and Tony especially

 

I think if I had to describe myself I would say that I was emotional and may even appear a little vulnerable. But I am a strong person and just express this in a different way. For example I have very firm opinions against drugs and infidelity. I believe people should be responsible for their actions. I hold myself responible for my actions. But I don't go out and preach that people should listen to me, I just choose to live by that rule myself.

 

But I feel I look vulnerable, at least initially because I am very open about my feelings without being critical of others. I tend to make a lot of friends very easily, and very quickly because I am easy to talk to and I give emotional support well. But the way I seem is too easy, for example some people express emotion in small measured doses, so it has more impact and seems more special. Hence in the case of women, many are attracted to this type because of the challenge of experiencing these special moments.

 

I know I am more emotionally inclined. For example, when I watch a tennis or boxing match, I find the most stimulating moment that moment when the two combatants shake hands and acknowledge each other at the end. I don't usually care who won, or how well the game was played. My favorite movie of all time is a 'chick flick' called 'Anne of Green Gables' which still rocks me today because of the purity of emotion shown by the lead character...and I am a 29 year old male.

 

Another example is when I go to a regular beer group every Thursday, I feel totally out of place and contribute little to these discussions because they spend a lot of the time talking politics, religion, or geography which just puts me in a coma...but I seem the only one like that.

 

Thankyou BJ for your input. Yes I got that impression from my ex, but she was a very powerful case. While we were together she would be totally emotionless, but she was constantly drawing it out of me. The relatiosnhip was always declining. I remember how she would sit quietly and serenly while I told her how I felt about her, but would provide no input and would not react in any way. But I could see she enjoyed it.

 

Now when I run into her (and I have to because I work on the floor above her), she is very expressive and sincere and is wondering why I no longer express myself to her.

 

She is the type that wants the strong, tall, silent type with the timing of wit. She wants the challenge of peeling him down to try and find a sincere, loving, emotional person underneath. What she does with him then..well. I know she did not love me at all.

 

Tony makes a good point, I know though that I am a bad actor when it comes to suppressing my feelings, so I will approach the next person I am attracted to in the same way I always have, but maybe keep a little up my sleeve. If I try to act, I look totally fake, and that is a bigger turnoff than anything.

 

I am sure there are women that are receptive to the type of person I am, and that your are BJ, I guess its a matter of looking in the right places.

[Jnika23]

Go get that man. You only live once.

This guy is the i've known forever but only just became closer-type. We've always hung out with the same people, lived down the street from each other. But since 2 weeks ago we've been going out and when we are in the middle of a big crowd he would hold me, put his arm around me. We've slept next to each other and we'd cuddle up to each other. Only now I realize what a great guy he is. The only thing is that he still cares for his ex- (who I've heard only takes him for his money and sees other guys) and she just told him that she "SUPPOSEDLY" is ready to settle down with only him. They aren't together again yet, he doesn't know I think of him as more than a friend, and i want to be the one he's thinking of and loving. The only thing holdng me back is my fear of falling in love and getting broken hearted. I don't want to stop him from being with someone he loves and have him always wondering about her. I hate the fact that if he choses her that he is a perfect guy gone to someone undiserving. Should I see if he just sees me as a friend and if so leave it at that?? If he could see beyond our friendship, how should I persue it?? Should I??