Coping with Lack of Sex

[Huskerland]

My wife is a great person. Everyone likes her, she's physically fit--maybe a bit obsessed, but nothing bad, and she's attractive. She's good with our kids, she doesn't overspend for the most part, she's successful in her sales job.

 

I suffer from occasional bouts of mild depression. I go to counseling intermittently--when I sense I'm not staying on top of my emotions, I've done well in my work over the years, and I've got great friends.

 

We're both in our mid-40's, we have two girls (16, 12) who do well in school and seem to get along well with others.

 

We both have our workplace stresses; not the least of which is that we are both in sales, I manage a team of 9 people, and she travels on average one week per month.

 

Here's the issue...since about month 2 of our 22-year marriage, my bouts of depression are triggered by my wife's lack of interest in sex with me.

 

To be fair, it's not like I'm always the best husband, and I'm better now than I used to be. I tend to let my mind focus on big work or home-related projects and allow those projects to interfere with doing laundry, picking up around the house, etc.--all the little things that need done but don't seem big enough to warrant my attention when "I've got bigger things to think about" (please understand this is a criticism of myself).

 

I didn't want to put any pressure on my wife--after all, who wants to have sex that is "forced"--for many years. Plus, it was just embarrassing for me to talk about. We have talked about it some, but those discussions never go well. We mostly have to just set aside how badly they go and move forward knowing that each other is a good person and we want to stay married.

 

Over the last few years, the weight of feeling bad about myself began triggering my emotions strongly enough that I would behave in counter-productive ways. I overeat and am now about 30-40 pounds overweight. I never attempt to initiate sex anymore because rejection triggers an immediate bout of depression unless it's for a reason i can understand. Sometimes we'll have sex 3 times a month (rare), other times we'll go 5 to 6 weeks where I just know she has no interest.

 

After about 2 weeks, I have to really focus hard on managing my emotions about it. About a year ago I went to taking an anti-depressant on a preventative basis to help me when those times inevitably occurred. I took this step because at that time, when trying to have a discussion on the topic, my wife really blew up. She said some pretty mean things--things I know she didn't really mean, but it still hurt and I had a hard time with it.

 

Even as recently as the last two weeks I suggested (for the third time in 18 months) that we go to counseling just to help our communication, and it resulted in a major blow up where she goes on the attack about how bad of a person I am. Don't think I'll bring it up again, I just end up feeling worse.

 

Here's the rub, I don't think she would act this way if she felt good about me. I think she would be more likely to be interested in sex if she felt good about me. Obviously, I'm not consistently doing the things she needs.

 

One of the hardest things to do is send the right "messages" to your spouse when you feel bad about yourself. I know this yet, when depressed, I am pretty sure I am avoiding her to avoid the reminders that I'm not sexually appealing to her. Sometimes I can pull my thoughts together enough to bring flowers home, make a special cheese tray, invite her to a movie. Of course, when those efforts are met with a "cool" reception, it tends to trigger anger for me.

 

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be together forever simply because their problems are not compatible. We certainly have good moments and a good life, but for me, the down times seem to get harder, not easier. I know part of making a marriage work is just not giving up, but there are days (weeks) when I wonder if that's the best approach for both of our happiness.

 

I wish sex wasn't such an issue for me. I don't really know why it is. Maybe rather than taking anti-depressants, I should be taking the same meds they give to sex offenders. On the other hand, if I don't have sex as a motivator, what will my interest be in doing the "little" things to try to make her happy? Sounds pretty damning to say it that way, but spooning doesn't trigger the same kind of acceptance that sex does--I've tried it.

 

For now, I'll just keep trying. It just feels like we're spinning our wheels and not making real progress as a couple.

[giotto]

Your wife's clearly lost her attraction towards you, possibly because of your depression. You say you started getting depressed after only two months into your marriage? How was your sex life before that? There seems to be some deep-rooted cause here. Not talking doesn't help either.

 

You need to forget your sex life at the moment and concentrate on yourself. Go to the gym, lose weight, go out with your friends. And if your wife doesn't want to go to counselling with you, go on your own. If you exercise and lose wight, your depression will get better.

 

I know it's not easy to deal with your own depression, especially because it stems from such an important part of your life and your marriage. I know because I've been there and it's horrendous. You need to take steps to look after yourself, because you won't be able to fix your marriage if you don't fix yourself first. You need to change and then - maybe - your wife will change too.

 

One last thing: what does your wife say when you discuss the lack of intimacy and sex life? What are her reasons?

[Green Light]

I think that Pork Rinds has it right. The women get off too easy in all of these sexless marriages. Part of the problem is that there is no social stigma for a married woman not wanting sex with her husband. In fact it is pretty much expected and accepted. In other words sex is not considered to be a duty for the married woman as, say, being a financial provider is considered to be a duty for a man. Therefore the sexually deprived man has no context to deal with the problem and is often told to look inside himself for the solution. The problem must lie with him and not the wife as female frigidness in marriage is considered to be a symptom and not the disease. The man must be doing something wrong or not doing the right things.

Furthermore, it is my belief that these "sexless" women have not lost their sex drives but only their desire for their spouse. The sex drive is still there but now they are "sexualizing" other things and keeping it secret. There is always more to the picture than the sex deprived husband is seeing but he will never know because some women are very good at keeping their deepest desires totally hidden for years.

[giotto]

I indeed misread his depression situation, but that doesn't change anything. She doesn't want to talk about it and she doesn't want to go to counselling. She doesn't really want to have sex with him. So the OP has two options: staying for the kids, in a sexless marriage, or divorce.

 

It's different from my situation, because my wife wanted to talk about it and our sex life is back on track. Admittedly it could be better, but she has her own issues. Can't force it that much on her. It's my choice to stay and I'm ok with it. What the future will bring, we will see.

[giotto]

He doesn't even know what her problem is!

 

I think that Pork Rinds has it right. The women get off too easy in all of these sexless marriages. Part of the problem is that there is no social stigma for a married woman not wanting sex with her husband. In fact it is pretty much expected and accepted. In other words sex is not considered to be a duty for the married woman as, say, being a financial provider is considered to be a duty for a man. Therefore the sexually deprived man has no context to deal with the problem and is often told to look inside himself for the solution. The problem must lie with him and not the wife as female frigidness in marriage is considered to be a symptom and not the disease. The man must be doing something wrong or not doing the right things.

Furthermore, it is my belief that these "sexless" women have not lost their sex drives but only their desire for their spouse. The sex drive is still there but now they are "sexualizing" other things and keeping it secret. There is always more to the picture than the sex deprived husband is seeing but he will never know because some women are very good at keeping their deepest desires totally hidden for years.

[Green Light]

He doesn't even know what her problem is!

 

That's the point! Maybe we shouldn't care what her problem is. I have seen so many men on this site wringing their hands and obsessively analyzing their sexless wives and getting nowhere. Sometimes this goes on for years! Years of guessing because the wife does not communicate and keeps the husband in a state of limbo.

I can tell you if this was a man not fulfilling his husbandry duties to be a good provider for the family it would be a cut and dry case. There is shame imposed on the man who does not provide financially for his family but a woman who does not provide sex for her husband must be analyzed, wooed, counseled, romanced, etc.

[StoneCold]

I wish sex wasn't such an issue for me..I don't really know why it is.

 

But it apparently is...why should you have to appologize for this?

 

Maybe rather than taking anti-depressants, I should be taking the same meds they give to sex offenders.

 

Again..why?

 

 

 

I dont see why you should have to "cope" with this.

 

You need to have some respect for yourself...your needs are important too dude

Edited April 29, 2011 by StoneCold

[Huskerland]

One last thing: what does your wife say when you discuss the lack of intimacy and sex life? What are her reasons?

 

The things range from:

 

I'm just too tired because you don't help out enough.

 

I can't just turn it on and off.

 

Sex just isn't as important to me as it is to you.

 

The next day will turn into a blowup. "You don't care about me; you don't care about the kids...." Pretty aggressive attack on what's wrong with me.

[Huskerland]

You need intensive, individual therapy. And you need a divorce.

 

Over the last number of years, I have considered many of the points you raise. And I don't believe it's impossible that she's had an affair--it's been a serious concern to me a couple of times.

 

There are probably two instances where I could have had an affair myself, but some part of me has found a way to avoid doing something that I know I would just feel guilty about in the end.

 

I think we both have weaknesses. I have often wondered how hormones play a part. There was one six-month period when she went off the pill after I had a vasectomy. Sex was fairly regular and often during that time. She was unable to regulate her period and went back on the pill. I asked her not to (close to begged) but she just didn't like the irregularity--and she felt there was no change at all.

 

The "no change" part blew my mind because it was pretty obvious to me that the change was huge...or at least pretty significant.

[Huskerland]

OP, I am posting in response to giotto, ...

OP stated what she does--she abuses him emotionally/verbally so that she doesn't have to answer these unpleasant (for her) questions.

 

giotto does have a point in the respect that my depression doesn't help anything. My frame of mind causes me to engage in unproductive behaviors that could make my wife believe I'm in a bad mood or mad at her and I certainly don't engage in behaviors that would help her know I love her and crave affection.

 

One of her issues I term as "overcompetitiveness". She just cannot lose an argument...she will go on the attack and will verbally do whatever it takes to win. I have learned the hard way that if I believe logic and facts will turn a discussion away from an attacking mindset, I have misguided expectations.

[Huskerland]

I think that Pork Rinds has it right. The women get off too easy in all of these sexless marriages.

 

There is always more to the picture than the sex deprived husband is seeing but he will never know because some women are very good at keeping their deepest desires totally hidden for years.

 

Sometimes we're all guilty of what I have heard referred to as "Helen Keller moments".

 

I believe there are things our wives feel that we just cannot relate to...and I think they are correct. No matter how well she might be describing her feelings, if I have nothing to relate them to, I am blind to her feelings. They are just not within my realm of understanding.

 

I don't believe she can understand what sex means to me, she's at least partially blind. It's hard for me to think of our relationship positively through just cuddling. That's a weakness because our relationship isn't just about sex. However, when the sex is not present, it's hard for me to see those other things.

[Huskerland]

It's my choice to stay and I'm ok with it. What the future will bring, we will see.

 

I think that's a reasonable choice. I still think of the "in sickness and in health" part of the vow as committing to not giving up easily.

 

I also believe it would be possible for me to get past her having an affair depending on her attitude. If she had a non-apologetic attitude, I couldn't forgive it. If she had an apologetic attitude, I think it would be possible for me to forgive and move on if we could find a way to make our lives better together.

 

If she's had or having an affair as a way to get out of the marriage, she's hiding it too well.

[Huskerland]

It's a matter of perception.

To Husker's wife, the problem isn't lack of sex in the marriage, or Husker's unhappiness with that status quo. The problem, from the wife's perspective, is that Husker wants the status quo to change.

 

I cannot honestly answer the question,"Is my wife getting everything from our marriage she wants, or does she want change?"

 

She has told me that I don't help enough around the house. She doesn't like that physical fitness isn't a bigger priority to me. She doesn't like that I snore and she really freaked when her blood pressure shot up once and she had me get an extra bed so we really have separate bedrooms right now.

 

She doesn't think all of my jokes are funny either...but she's not the only one.

[giotto]

well, thank you for your answers. Seems to me that your wife doesn't like very much what you've become (depression, overeating, snoring...), but she is not prepared to give you what you think would fix it: sex. That's because it's a catch-22 situation, the same I found myself in. My wife is on ADs (she has OCD) and she has no libido. She also hates being put under pressure for sex. It's been going on so long, that she can't get past the times I used to put her under pressure.

 

It's very difficult to snap out of your depression, because the root cause is still there. But that's why I told you you should try, regardless of what PorkRinds says and regardless of the fact that he thinks I failed in my approach (I didn't, but I can't fix my wife because she doesn't want to fix herself).

 

As far as I know, the contraceptive pill is a libido killer - and you noticed a surge in sexual activity when she was off. My wife too refuses to get off the ADs, to change them or even to go to therapy. So, there is no way out. But your wife doesn't seem to have any underlying "mental" issues, so maybe if you change yourself she will appreciate you more. Having said that, I think it's an abusive behaviour to refuse sex in marriage, even if she says that sex is not as important to her. It's important to the marriage.

[giotto]

Giotto, please, if you insist on giving advice to other men (or women) in your situation, you absolutely owe it to them to state up front that you have been unable to resolve the situation in your own marriage.

 

I missed this one...

 

Before you say I failed, a few facts. My action reinstated sex into the marriage and allowed me to finally get the truth from my wife (she'd been hiding the severity of her issues for many years). My wife is on ADs for OCD and has no libido whatsoever. My wife promises to go to therapy, but she never does. So, where have I failed? I can't fix her if she doesn't want to fix herself. I can't force her to go. She is mentally ill. I can divorce her, for sure, but it would be a shallow result.

 

Anyway, I'm entitled to give advice if I want to. At least I'm honest about my situation. You give plenty of advice and we don't even know who you are or what your situation is. You might have several failed marriages, for what we know.

Edited April 30, 2011 by giotto

[willma]

Another thing to look into:

 

As we age, hormone levels drop significantly. Weight gain, depression, and loss of libido are 3 of the most common effects, especially in folks over 40. Perimenopause symptoms are no fun for anyone. ED is no fun for anyone.

 

Do some research on the net regarding hormone replacement. I think you may find that many of the symptoms you and your wife may be experiencing can be treated. My wife and I went through this a few years back and it has made an incredible difference in our lives. My doctor said that there may be a thousand times more testosterone receptors in the brain than there are between your legs. For my wife and I, it was the first thing that responded...the mood, mental clarity, and libido. The weight loss, drop cholesterol, drops blood presssure, ED improvement, came months later. All they do is get those hormones back up to youthful levels.

[giotto]

looks like PorkRinds is gone (probably banned?)... he posted several messages in this thread, so it might not make very much sense anymore...

[Green Light]

looks like PorkRinds is gone (probably banned?)... he posted several messages in this thread, so it might not make very much sense anymore...

 

Why would he be banned? I didn't think he was offensive. He was a straight shooter but that can be refreshing at times.

[giotto]

Why would he be banned? I didn't think he was offensive. He was a straight shooter but that can be refreshing at times.

 

If you think he wasn't offensive, maybe you missed some of his posts... I don't think he was particularly offensive as a person, but his "theories" (often with no grounds whatsoever) have upset many people...

[Spark1111]

The things range from:

 

I'm just too tired because you don't help out enough.

 

I can't just turn it on and off.

 

Sex just isn't as important to me as it is to you.

 

The next day will turn into a blowup. "You don't care about me; you don't care about the kids...." Pretty aggressive attack on what's wrong with me.

 

Husker, I am so sorry you are going through this!

 

My H too suffered from depression and I want to tell you that it was a huge libido killer for me.

 

Why? because he would never put in the full frontal effort to control or fix it!

 

He would seek meds in fits and starts, more when it was affecting his performance at work than his performance at home.

 

My resentment became huge in that I could not trust him to put me, our kids and our life first!

 

I was always picking up his "slack" because I would feel sorry for what he was going through, but then the resentment would build as I did not feel important enough for him to to try to change for us!

 

I, too would blow when the only times he would approach me was for sex. I felt used and unappreciated by his actions all day long, and unnoticed as I took care of it all waaaaay too many times because he "was tired," "didn't feel well" ...I could go on and on.

 

Only when he started to aggressively manage his moods through medical attention, meds, gym, diet, counseling and become a happier, more attentive and stronger man, did those sparks start returning for me. He had to overcome his depression first, before we could work on the marriage.

 

I was dying on the vine for romantic and emotional attention. When that returned, so did the sparks.

 

Please focus on making you a better you!

 

Think about it. Look at ALL your actions or inactions that result from your depression.

 

Would you date you as you are today?

 

I am not without empathy for you, but I can relate to those spouses who live with a "ghost" spouse for decades and the resentment that builds.

[Green Light]

If you think he wasn't offensive, maybe you missed some of his posts... I don't think he was particularly offensive as a person, but his "theories" (often with no grounds whatsoever) have upset many people...

 

Yes, I did miss many of his posts so I guess I don't really know what all was said. As a person he seemed intelligent. I think that many of us are on this forum because we feel as though we are victims of our significant other's behavior and he didn't seem to have that same mentality.

[giotto]

Yes, I did miss many of his posts so I guess I don't really know what all was said. As a person he seemed intelligent. I think that many of us are on this forum because we feel as though we are victims of our significant other's behavior and he didn't seem to have that same mentality.

 

yes, I believe he was single... He also told me that - when dishing out advice - I should have the decency to warn others that I failed in my marriage... i.e. don't listen to me because I'm a failure...

[Green Light]

yes, I believe he was single... He also told me that - when dishing out advice - I should have the decency to warn others that I failed in my marriage... i.e. don't listen to me because I'm a failure...

 

That was harsh of him to say. I think that most of us here are in the same boat. We feel that we have been let down by someone VERY important in our lives and so we come here to hear from others in our same situation. There's a lot of "failure" to go around.

[giotto]

That was harsh of him to say. I think that most of us here are in the same boat. We feel that we have been let down by someone VERY important in our lives and so we come here to hear from others in our same situation. There's a lot of "failure" to go around.

 

well, Green Light, I thought it was a bit weird too... especially because I was quite adamant and transparent about my situation, whilst we knew nothing about his...

[Romeofud]

My wife is a great person. Everyone likes her, she's physically fit--maybe a bit obsessed, but nothing bad, and she's attractive. She's good with our kids, she doesn't overspend for the most part, she's successful in her sales job.

 

I suffer from occasional bouts of mild depression. I go to counseling intermittently--when I sense I'm not staying on top of my emotions, I've done well in my work over the years, and I've got great friends.

 

We're both in our mid-40's, we have two girls (16, 12) who do well in school and seem to get along well with others.

 

We both have our workplace stresses; not the least of which is that we are both in sales, I manage a team of 9 people, and she travels on average one week per month.

 

Here's the issue...since about month 2 of our 22-year marriage, my bouts of depression are triggered by my wife's lack of interest in sex with me.

 

To be fair, it's not like I'm always the best husband, and I'm better now than I used to be. I tend to let my mind focus on big work or home-related projects and allow those projects to interfere with doing laundry, picking up around the house, etc.--all the little things that need done but don't seem big enough to warrant my attention when "I've got bigger things to think about" (please understand this is a criticism of myself).

 

I didn't want to put any pressure on my wife--after all, who wants to have sex that is "forced"--for many years. Plus, it was just embarrassing for me to talk about. We have talked about it some, but those discussions never go well. We mostly have to just set aside how badly they go and move forward knowing that each other is a good person and we want to stay married.

 

Over the last few years, the weight of feeling bad about myself began triggering my emotions strongly enough that I would behave in counter-productive ways. I overeat and am now about 30-40 pounds overweight. I never attempt to initiate sex anymore because rejection triggers an immediate bout of depression unless it's for a reason i can understand. Sometimes we'll have sex 3 times a month (rare), other times we'll go 5 to 6 weeks where I just know she has no interest.

 

After about 2 weeks, I have to really focus hard on managing my emotions about it. About a year ago I went to taking an anti-depressant on a preventative basis to help me when those times inevitably occurred. I took this step because at that time, when trying to have a discussion on the topic, my wife really blew up. She said some pretty mean things--things I know she didn't really mean, but it still hurt and I had a hard time with it.

 

Even as recently as the last two weeks I suggested (for the third time in 18 months) that we go to counseling just to help our communication, and it resulted in a major blow up where she goes on the attack about how bad of a person I am. Don't think I'll bring it up again, I just end up feeling worse.

 

Here's the rub, I don't think she would act this way if she felt good about me. I think she would be more likely to be interested in sex if she felt good about me. Obviously, I'm not consistently doing the things she needs.

 

One of the hardest things to do is send the right "messages" to your spouse when you feel bad about yourself. I know this yet, when depressed, I am pretty sure I am avoiding her to avoid the reminders that I'm not sexually appealing to her. Sometimes I can pull my thoughts together enough to bring flowers home, make a special cheese tray, invite her to a movie. Of course, when those efforts are met with a "cool" reception, it tends to trigger anger for me.

 

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be together forever simply because their problems are not compatible. We certainly have good moments and a good life, but for me, the down times seem to get harder, not easier. I know part of making a marriage work is just not giving up, but there are days (weeks) when I wonder if that's the best approach for both of our happiness.

 

I wish sex wasn't such an issue for me. I don't really know why it is. Maybe rather than taking anti-depressants, I should be taking the same meds they give to sex offenders. On the other hand, if I don't have sex as a motivator, what will my interest be in doing the "little" things to try to make her happy? Sounds pretty damning to say it that way, but spooning doesn't trigger the same kind of acceptance that sex does--I've tried it.

 

For now, I'll just keep trying. It just feels like we're spinning our wheels and not making real progress as a couple.

 

It's cheating time, buddy. That's all I'm gonna say.