Coping with Lack of Sex

[worldover98]

hey Giotto:

 

Thanks for your candid observations about how sexless wives get off 'easily'.

I could not agree more. And the contraceptive thing is on point! After having our children, my wife has been on it consistently, why I don't understand because she has no libido and never wants intimacy with me.

 

Yes, men are from Mars and women from Venus. Sex in a marriage should be as natural as taking a shower. Never forced, just enjoyed for its relaxation and comfort. But somehow my wife lost this and in our sexless marriage( 1-2 times a year!!) I have now become less interested in looking forward to sex with her. Yes, we still love each other but I so desperate that I know I will meet someone who will light a spark in me again, and that could spell trouble for our marriage.

 

As far as Huskerland goes, maybe stop trying to appeal to your wife anymore. Like you, I have a streak of depression that when my wife rejects me or we have a big argument, I lapse into watching porn and feeling relieved. But this gets tired after a while. That's why I'm looking for something "real". And you should too. Maybe it's time to talk about an "open marriage". I'm gearing up to do just that!!

[jmsclayton]

See responses below yours

 

My wife is a great person. Everyone likes her, she's physically fit--maybe a bit obsessed, but nothing bad, and she's attractive. She's good with our kids, she doesn't overspend for the most part, she's successful in her sales job.

 

I suffer from occasional bouts of mild depression. I go to counseling intermittently--when I sense I'm not staying on top of my emotions, I've done well in my work over the years, and I've got great friends.

 

Judith: Hve you ask her if your emotions is affecting your abilitiy to do things etc. ?

 

We both have our workplace stresses; not the least of which is that we are both in sales, I manage a team of 9 people, and she travels on average one week per month.

 

Judith: THere is a info on the net that talks about how couples can do things for each other when their life is busy that can help the sex life out. It would be good for you both to at least do nonsexual touch for now. that is better than nothing. Each nite. Also it is important that you work this out on the sex side because children benefit from it.

 

Here's the issue...since about month 2 of our 22-year marriage, my bouts of depression are triggered by my wife's lack of interest in sex with me.

 

Judith: Do you think she was abused? at all

 

To be fair, it's not like I'm always the best husband, and I'm better now than I used to be. I tend to let my mind focus on big work or home-related projects and allow those projects to interfere with doing laundry, picking up around the house, etc.--all the little things that need done but don't seem big enough to warrant my attention when "I've got bigger things to think about" (please understand this is a criticism of myself).

 

Judith; HAve you ask her to make a list for you to see what is important to h er for you to do-

 

I didn't want to put any pressure on my wife--after all, who wants to have sex that is "forced"--for many years. Plus, it was just embarrassing for me to talk about. We have talked about it some, but those discussions never go well. We mostly have to just set aside how badly they go and move forward knowing that each other is a good person and we want to stay married.

 

Judith: Why not let me a third party be helpful as a friend. I am helping some friends by being a third party to help with the nonsexual and sexual issues.

 

Over the last few years, the weight of feeling bad about myself began triggering my emotions strongly enough that I would behave in counter-productive ways. I overeat and am now about 30-40 pounds overweight. I never attempt to initiate sex anymore because rejection triggers an immediate bout of depression unless it's for a reason i can understand. Sometimes we'll have sex 3 times a month (rare), other times we'll go 5 to 6 weeks where I just know she has no interest.

 

Judith: NEed to not let your emotions bother you and remain objective. You need to lose weight if that is an issue and separate your emotions and or work through the emotions that is affecting your sexual life. You can't let the emotions affect your sexual life. I am sure she is doing the same. Something bothering her if she doesn't want it at least once a week. Sometimes you have to romantically build the interest in it for women. Touching nonsexually and romanticall talking to each other as you do it help tremendously. Women needs nonsexual sexual talk before the sexual ever begins. Sex begins in the kitchen.

 

After about 2 weeks, I have to really focus hard on managing my emotions about it. About a year ago I went to taking an anti-depressant on a preventative basis to help me when those times inevitably occurred. I took this step because at that time, when trying to have a discussion on the topic, my wife really blew up. She said some pretty mean things--things I know she didn't really mean, but it still hurt and I had a hard time with it.

 

Judith: Sounds like she is struggling with the sexual issue-you need to let go of the hurt etc. maybe email about it to each other-that helps couples when subjects are difficult

 

Even as recently as the last two weeks I suggested (for the third time in 18 months) that we go to counseling just to help our communication, and it resulted in a major blow up where she goes on the attack about how bad of a person I am. Don't think I'll bring it up again, I just end up feeling worse.

 

Judith: What is wrong with a friend who is a thirdy party?

 

Here's the rub, I don't think she would act this way if she felt good about me. I think she would be more likely to be interested in sex if she felt good about me. Obviously, I'm not consistently doing the things she needs.

 

Judith: Do you go on date nite once a week without sex? and do you talk about what interests her -she maynot understand how men operate and why you need it even when she is not interested. Not all homes with parents who are especially mothers give correct info about sex.

 

One of the hardest things to do is send the right "messages" to your spouse when you feel bad about yourself. I know this yet, when depressed, I am pretty sure I am avoiding her to avoid the reminders that I'm not sexually appealing to her.

 

Judith: Avoiding wont work.

 

Sometimes I can pull my thoughts together enough to bring flowers home, make a special cheese tray, invite her to a movie. Of course, when those efforts are met with a "cool" reception, it tends to trigger anger for me.

 

Judith: She may think whenyou do that you want sex if that is how it has happen in the past. I dont know but need to find out why she feels cool towards you. A woman drive is low from 40s on biologically. She can get on sex essentials that helps women have the testerone she needs to be interested in sex. Has she had a physical?

 

 

 

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be together forever simply because their problems are not compatible. We certainly have good moments and a good life, but for me, the down times seem to get harder, not easier. I know part of making a marriage work is just not giving up, but there are days (weeks) when I wonder if that's the best approach for both of our happiness.

 

Judith: People can be compatible -it just takes finding out what the problem is for it to work -she may not understand why you need it and how it helps the marital relationship.

 

I wish sex wasn't such an issue for me. I don't really know why it is.

 

Judith: Becuase your a man and it is important for you to have it for several reasons due to make the world good and other things become better. Biological thing about men.

 

Maybe rather than taking anti-depressants, I should be taking the same meds they give to sex offenders. On the other hand, if I don't have sex as a motivator, what will my interest be in doing the "little" things to try to make her happy?

 

Judith: Your partly right. But there are things you can do. Nonsexual touch each nite. without it leading to sex and let her know that you want to give her a massage that will not lead to sex.

 

Sounds pretty damning to say it that way, but spooning doesn't trigger the same kind of acceptance that sex does--I've tried it.

 

For now, I'll just keep trying. It just feels like we're spinning our wheels and not making real progress as a coupl

 

Judith: Why not write to me.

 

Judith

[steed]

I hate it when people pass responsibility to the other person and use that ploy to deny their responibility for the situation.

 

A depressed person is very likely to assume inapropriate blame for something that really lies at the hands of others. The wife needs to take responsib ility for her feelings and her actions. Hubby needs to do the same, but i feel hubby is taking more than his fair share.

 

The wife CAN communicate, she CAN express herself, but not if she turns everything into the responbsibility of the husband. Sorry to judge but the wife seems in denial at best or devious at worst. Hubby is lost becuase he is bouncing his signals off a cracked mirror that does not reflect reality back to him. The longer he stays in this situation the worse he will get, and the more she will blame him. He needs to stand up and demand the truth, equal responsibility, and a desire to solve the problem.

 

Hard to do I know if one is prone to depression, but its the old chicken and egg situation - "cant get to the hospital becuase I have a broken leg, BUT its BECAUSE I have a broken leg that I need to get to medical treatment!"

 

Good luck. I sioncerely wish you well. Dont take all the blame.

[oldguy]

This sounds like there is more of an issue than just a lack of intimacy here.

You know there are relationship counselors & it isn’t uncommon for one member of a couple to begin seeing them to begin with. What your doing isn't working, so it's obvious you need help.

 

Also; Are you medicated for your depression or are you getting a handle on it? Have you been been seeing the same person about it for long?