Girlfriend's Father Passed Away

[Tom19]

Hi there, my names Thomas, and I'm a 19 year old male from Leicester in England. I was pointed in this forums direction by a poster on a different board where I was also seeking help and advice for the situation I find myself in and I would be very grateful for you to help me out.

 

I'll start from the beginning, me and my girlfriend have been together for 22 months, I'm 19 and she's 17, and everything was going fine until 2 months ago..

 

.. On the 22nd February 2011 my girlfriend's father passed away, I wasn't with her at the time as I was away in Wales but I texted her and kept in touch until the next day when I seen her and we cuddled in bed and spoke about her Dad, we laughed and joked about him and remembered the times we had shared with him and she was talking about the times before I came into her life.

 

The weeks afterwards things started to become different and she wouldn't talk as much and was just starting to become distant. She stopped wearing my jewelry I brought her, which she used to wear all the time and stopped telling me that she loved me. Anyway I gave her space and didn't get in touch for a week, everyday that I didn't text her she always texted me no matter what.

 

Anyway that brings you upto last Saturday, the 23rd April 2011 she broke up with me. Her reasons? She felt she couldn't give me the love and attention she wanted anymore and that it wasn't fair on me. We was only with each other for 5 minutes and therefore we said that we will meet up and talk and sort things out. 3 days passed before she got in touch. I went round her house on Tuesday whilst she was at work to leave her Easter Egg and I left her a card with a little message in with her Mum, although a friend of hers told me today that it made her mad that I went round despite Fern texting me the next day saying it was fine?

 

Anyway we arranged to meet tomorrow but now apparently she's going out with her family and so won't be able to see me anymore and that brings us to now. I have no idea where to go from here, my girlfriend for the past 22 months just doesn't want to talk, see or basically want me in her life anymore after her Dad's passing. I'd love to understand and any help or advice you can give to me would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thank you, Thomas. x

[Tom19]

Any help at all?

[Chi townD]

Well, she's grieving and right now there's nothing you can do or say that's gonna make it any better. However, to cut you out of her life that quickly is disturbing. Normally, you would think that one would want to be around the person that they're closest with during trying times. But, people grieve in there own ways.

 

Well, if she doesn't want you around, the respect her wishes. No contact. Don't text her, don't e-mail her and don't call her. Wait for her to come to you. Chances are, when this passes a little, she'll reach out to you when she's ready.

[Tom19]

Thanks for your reply. I'm trying so hard not to contact her, it just annoys me how she can be fine with her close friends and family but with me it's different. I'm trying to not think about her right now but it's hard when I'm used to seeing her nearly everyday, and we used to speak everyday without a doubt. The last time she texted was Wednesday, I told her that I missed her and wanted to talk but she just texted back "Don't be like this please x" that's the last I've heard from her.

 

I've been in touch with her Mum but from today onwards I'm not going to make any contact that will relate to her, her friends can go away and I won't get in touch with her family either, that way she can't say I've been pressurising her.

 

I've still got our pictures up in my bedroom and things as I can't take them down right now, I've only managed to change the background image on my phone right now, but I feel that's helped a lot. Like I said though, she's normal with everyone else apart from me, I've tried so hard to make things better since her Dad died but she's not even said thank you once and now she's ended it. I'm so confused!

[Chi townD]

It hurts, I have no doubt about that. And it probably hurts even more so with the fact that she really didn't give you a concrete reason as to why she ended it. Kind of left you holding the bag.

 

NC isn't going to be easy, but when she does reach out to you, make sure it's not trying to become your "friend". I think you have enough of those.

[Tom19]

The reason I got is that she can't give me the love and attention that she wants to right now because of her Dad passing away. I've brought her things, I gave her space but still everything I did seemed to annoy her, although this has always been the case whenever something had got on her nerves or when someone else had done something to annoy her it would be me who she took it out on because I was the only person who would stand for it, although I don't know if this is the same this time around.

 

I understand this situation is different to just a normal break up, right now she's going to be thinking of her Dad the majority of the time. I just want her to miss me and come back!

[fetish]

The reason I got is that she can't give me the love and attention that she wants to right now because of her Dad passing away. I've brought her things, I gave her space but still everything I did seemed to annoy her, although this has always been the case whenever something had got on her nerves or when someone else had done something to annoy her it would be me who she took it out on because I was the only person who would stand for it, although I don't know if this is the same this time around.

 

I understand this situation is different to just a normal break up, right now she's going to be thinking of her Dad the majority of the time. I just want her to miss me and come back!

 

I hate to say this but this is a little selfish right now on your part. She just lost her Dad so she's going to be an emotional wreck right now. Give her some space. In due time, she'll find her way back.

[Tom19]

I'm sorry for seeming so insensitive right now and I know at times I've been selfish. Giving her time is want I'm trying to do, but I've felt crap for the last week now and it's hard for me as well, is my hurt not valid? I know compared to my girlfriend's loss this is very minimal, I'm trying to understand I am and that's why I am here, to get a better understanding.

[fetish]

your hurt is justifiable, but the part of wanting her to miss you right now is simply for you. She already has enough to deal with.

 

Just try to be a little more understanding. That's all i'm saying.

[Tom19]

But I don't understand, that's why I've been reading up on how grief affects a person for the past 2 months. I've never ever experienced it and so it's hard, I'm really trying and what I said earlier was wrong, I understand that, which is why I said sorry. I'd hate to lose a parent, I just don't understand what's she going through right now, and I want to be able to help. I feel hurt because she's broke it off with me but can still see her friends? I was a friend as well as her boyfriend.

[fetish]

Well you say you're supposed to meet with her tommorow right? Maybe when you see her, just gently hold her hand and say something like:

 

i know this is a rough time for you. I'm thinking about you and I want you to know i'm here for you whenver you need me.

 

something along those lines just to leave it open. After that, back off a little. Because of her emotional state she's in right now, she'll likely resent you if you try to force yourself on her and could drive her further away. Just be cool!

 

I know you're hurting and in pain, but realize you're probably not in as much pain as she is right now. Think about it, she's dealing with two losses: her Dad and you. You're dealing with one.

[Chi townD]

I put a little more thought into why she ended it and why she's able to be with her friends and not you. She lost her father, a man that she loved with all of her heart. There's only one other man that comes close to having her heart in the same way and that's you. Right now she can't bear to lose anyone else, so she pushed you away and put up an emotional wall and you're standing on the other side of it. She can interact with her friends because, to be quite honest, she doesn't have that same close connection that you and her shared.

 

Leave her be, as much as it hurts, just leave her alone. If she comes back great. But, if she doesn't then I want you to remember, this wasn't anyones fault. One day, she may wake up and realized what she's lost.

[whichwayisup]

I put a little more thought into why she ended it and why she's able to be with her friends and not you. She lost her father, a man that she loved with all of her heart. There's only one other man that comes close to having her heart in the same way and that's you. Right now she can't bear to lose anyone else, so she pushed you away and put up an emotional wall and you're standing on the other side of it. She can interact with her friends because, to be quite honest, she doesn't have that same close connection that you and her shared.

 

Leave her be, as much as it hurts, just leave her alone. If she comes back great. But, if she doesn't then I want you to remember, this wasn't anyones fault. One day, she may wake up and realized what she's lost.

 

I agree with this. She's shutdown emotionally and doesn't want get attached and have to deal with more pain down the road.

 

The best thing you can do, as much as it'll suck for you..Is to give her time and space. Let her contact you next. Don't push, if you do, it'll just make her back off even more.

[Tom19]

I've been kind of thinking whether that could be the reason but no ones said that to me and so I thought I was being silly thinking that, also it's not like she's said that to me either.

 

I understand that right now my loss is 100x less than hers and that I must be patient, I'm starting to gain a better understanding and leaving her be until she gets in touch with me.

 

We was supposed to meet up yesterday but she went horse racing with her family and so we didn't, she didn't text me this I just found out through Facebook.

[Tom19]

Fern texted me today whilst we was both at work, it seems she's only got in touch whilst she's been working, not sure if this means anything at all! Anyway basically she just said that she was sorry that she couldn't see me yesterday and that we should meet up in the week so we could sort things out and I could pick my stuff up. I replied, I don't know if I should but I did, I kind of regret this now. I just said hello and that it was okay and that I hope she had a good time and that she was doing okay. I don't know if I should have said anything at all as she didn't text back.

[Tom19]

Just received a text from her today (she's not at work) asking what day this week is best for me to come and get my stuff. I don't know whether to reply or not, I'm not sure what to do. Help. I feel just like ignoring her altogether right not but I'm not sure that's right! So confused. Rather concerned at the fact that whenever she gets in touch it's literally just to get things and never that she's actually thinking of me though, I think that's what gets me down the most, although I guess I don't know this.

[Tom19]

Okay, so I've been out with friends, still haven't texted her back to what she asked earlier. Really don't have a clue what to do right now! Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Tom19]

Literally going out my mind right now, sorry for posting so much but it saves me from picking up my phone and texting her! I really don't know what to do, I want to text her but what if she doesn't text back? I know it will hurt me. Plus, I don't even know what to say, it was a simple question to answer, but it's taken me this long to text back? She's out with her family so she might not even be bothered, she certainly hasn't texted again anyway. I don't know what to do!

[fltc]

Pick a date, when you get your stuff tell her that you'll be there for her if she wants you, then leave and don't contact her again. She'll either contact you or she won't and there's nothing you can do about it, it's her decision.

 

I know it's not easy.

[Urban Crusader]

Hey Tom.

 

I've gone through an almost identical situation, and speaking from experience the best thing you can do right now is just leave it be.

Hard as it seems right now it won't be in a few months.

I can promise you if you give her the space she needs right now you'll respect yourself for it, and she will respect you for it.

 

I didn't give my girl much space, and now she's with someone else.

So keep your cool. Losing parent is hard and right now the best thing you can do is give her space she's at a very unstable point in her life.

[Tom19]

Hi Urban Crusader.

 

Sorry to hear that, how long ago was this? And what happened if you don't mind talking about it? I feel that seeing as you've experienced it you'll be a great help to me, if you don't mind that is.

 

I still haven't texted her, she's out with her family and has been all day anyway so I know that she won't reply, best to just wait until tomorrow now tbh, saves me feeling crap before trying to sleep!

 

I feel like I've been doing okay, at times I'll feel down and others I feel okay, it's just everynight I dream of her and in the mornings it starts off all over again.

 

I think I'll text her tomorrow afternoon, although I'm not sure when I want to meet her to get my stuff and take her things round, we've not spoken since we broke up still which was 8 days ago, only about say 6 texts in that time too.

 

I'm still very confused right now and I want answers from her but I'm trying my best to get a better understanding of things, I've read up about how grief affects a person and I'm starting to see why she's broke it off with me, obviously I'll get a better idea of what she's thinking when I see her, which is going to be tough.

[Urban Crusader]

Dont mind at all.

 

We broke up on January 1st of this year. Her parents divorced, so not excatly what your ex is experiencing but pretty damn close.

Her dad is non-exsistent these days and it's taken a real toll on her entire family.

She couldn't handle any sort of relationship at the time and completely shut down. I tried my best to be there as a friend but it seemed to push her away more ( She was depressed, probably still is) so 2 months go by and one of her friends who had been waiting to get his 'chance' at her finally does and she ends up dating him.

 

Even though she said she couldn't handle a relationship for a long time.

 

Being completely and utterly confused I attempted to win her back.

This is where I went wrong.

 

I didn't go NC and ended up more hurt over a useless cause than I should have been.

That's a REALLY rough summary of what happend. Like I said, not excatly what your experiencing but close.

 

If I were in your shoes Tom I would wish her the best and not speak for awhile. It will give you both time to get your stuff togethor and maybe work on things in the future. Don't look for answers from her. She can't give a straight one right now and it might hurt you even more.

 

So take it easy buddy, she'll come around when she's ready. My ex is getting interested again so just stay collected and let time do its work!

[Tom19]

Sorry to hear about that! I'm going to text her back today suggesting we either meet up today or Wednesday, don't really want to wait around too long as it's probably going to hurt me a lot when I leave her for what could be the last time. She's off to Ireland on Monday to bury her Dad's ashes and comes back on the Wednesday and so I thought I could leave her a message on Monday just saying that I hope things go okay etc. But that's the only contact I'll make with her. I miss her so very much and think about her a lot each day.

[Tom19]

I texted her this morning, we're going to meet up on Wednesday after I finish work. I texted her and she literally texted back within seconds, which I thought was strange, although I only heard from her the once.

[Chi townD]

I texted her this morning, we're going to meet up on Wednesday after I finish work. I texted her and she literally texted back within seconds, which I thought was strange, although I only heard from her the once.

 

 

Don't read too much into this! She was just probably right by her phone...nothing more. I agree with the others. Pick up your stuff, no chit chat, just say that you're sorry about her loss and you'll be there if she ever need you. Then.....hard NC.