How patient should I be?

[SoCal_Guy]

I posted my story on the Breaking Up forum - here that is

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t259107/

 

Since that last post by me on there, much has happened. MUCH.

 

I got a text from her on St. Patrick's Day that began as just wishing me a happy green day, which is strange because we hadn't really communicated at all for about three weeks prior. I wished her one back (I was out of town at the time). About 20 minutes later she sent me another one that simply said "I miss you." I was out with friends drinking, so I thought about it before replying. I simply told her "I feel the same, but this wasn't my choice. Not trying to be mean." She replied again telling me things like she was sorry for everything … she knew I would never hurt her … I didn't deserve her because of how she treated me … she realized she should have never let me go … she had something perfect right in front of her and she pushed it away. I had been to therapy and the therapist told me this would happen at some point in the next few months, but I didn't think it would be this soon. I was caught off guard, so I told her not to beat herself up, take a deep breath and we could talk when I got back to town in a couple of days.

 

I had a good idea of what happened (the other guy did something wrong to her and they split), but it came to light when we finally talked. He did some very, very bad things to her. I'm not comfortable sharing what it was on here, but it was a bad case of repeated emotional cheating with numerous other girls via email, facebook and text. It was bad and she was hurting from what happened.

 

We ended our talk that night agreeing that we did want to give this another try, but that we wanted to take things slow and do it right. Well, that is easier said than done when two people are as attracted to each other as much as we are. We didn't get to see each other but once for the next week, because I was super busy with work again, but when we did finally get to begin spending some time together, the magic was still there. We hung out and everything was just like it was. We didn't get intimate (only hug and kiss on lips), but I still felt it with her. I let her establish the boundaries.

 

Fast forward a few weeks … she finally opened up to her parents and friends about me. More so than in the past. Our age difference (I'm+10) has always been a huge hurdle for her as far as what others think about us, but her parents told her they approved and asked her to stop dating ignorant boys and what are you waiting on … stuff like that. She felt relieved and so did I. her friends liked me (the ones I hadn't met yet), so things were going great, yet we still were taking things slow.

 

Well, I knew things were too good to be true. The guy who cheated on her constantly texts and calls her … this entire time. At an obsessive rate - 15-20 phone calls per day and at least 50 texts. She doesn't respond to most, but she does to some because she is worried he will hurt himself. I ask her if she thinks it's a good idea if we put our second chance on hold until she gets him completely out of the picture. She agrees that is what needs to happen but doesn't know how to get him out of her life. She wants to make sure he is ok, but I explained that he is manipulating her into thinking he will do something crazy if she doesn't give him another chance. It progresses to the point where he now has a control over her mind and she is hurting. I told her I will be patient, but I think the best thing is for her to see a therapist to figure everything out (she also has some stress from being unhappy at work and figuring out how to pay for school coming up this summer). It's a lot to handle, so I told her I would step away for a while while she goes through this and works to get better.

 

Now, I do over-think. I want to be patient with her through this. She has told me she knows she can be happy with me. She's told me she would marry me. She just needs to get over this other guy and what he did to her. I do know they still communicate and see each other in person a little bit, which does bother me. But I cannot be the one to tell her he is bad for her and to cut him out of her life completely.

 

So, what should I do? Lay low? Let her initiate contact? Give her an ultimatum? Tell her I want space while she gets better? Will she think I don't care anymore if I do that? This is so confusing sometimes. I think we will end up together and happy, but how do I learn to be patient and make those bad thoughts of her possibly giving this other guy a second chance go away?

 

Lay it to me straight. I'm a nice guy, so I need to hear the truth, not what my friends think I want to hear.

[homebrew]

So, what should I do? Lay low? Let her initiate contact? Give her an ultimatum? Tell her I want space while she gets better? Will she think I don't care anymore if I do that? This is so confusing sometimes. I think we will end up together and happy, but how do I learn to be patient and make those bad thoughts of her possibly giving this other guy a second chance go away?

 

She just needs to get over this other guy and what he did to her. I do know they still communicate and see each other in person a little bit, which does bother me. But I cannot be the one to tell her he is bad for her and to cut him out of her life completely.

 

She TOLD YOU that she is not ready and her ACTIONS back up what she said. So LISTEN to what she is TELLING and SHOWING you!

 

SHE IS COMMUNICATING / BEGGING YOU to give her the time and opportunity to deal with the situation... but you don't.

 

All you are doing is enabling her bad behavior! You are losing any dignity and respect that she you might have!

 

No healthy, normal person would PURSUE a relationship with someone that TELLS you and SHOWS you that they are in a relationship (which she is) with someone else. This is something you need to look at while you give her the space and time to deal with her issues.

 

So of course you have to end this... for now. Show her your STRENGTH and COURAGE by doing the right thing.... which is walking away from this until she is ready. This will more than likely teach / give her the strength and courage to do what she needs to do with her situation and to prepare herself for a relationship with you.

 

You don't need to be understanding or patient. You don't need to tell her what to do either.

 

This is her battle that she needs to face... in her time and in her way, ALONE! It's up to her to resolve her issues with her Ex, not you. It's up to her to do whatever is necessary to end the communication with him, not you.

 

If I were you, I would tell you her this...

 

It's clear to me that you have some unresolved issues to deal with and resolve. Thank you for letting me know where you are at and what you need to do. When you get all of this behind you and you are ready, give me a call and we will see where we are at.

 

That's pretty much it... Don't mention the Ex, don't tell her what to do, don't be there for her, don't be her emotional tampon, don't answer her calls, don't respond in any way. If you do... YOU ARE A CHUMP and WILL NEVER GET HER BACK!!!!!!!!

 

If you care about yourself and a future with this women... GIVE HER THE TIME AND SPACE TO HEAL! Otherwise, you are going to get BURNED by this women!

 

Right now she is USING YOU to get over her Ex. Is that the kind of relationship you want? Do you like that role?

 

I do believe she means what she is telling you about the two of you... But respect yourself and respect the fact that she isn't ready... and give the two of you a chance for success.

 

My guess... 3 - 6 months if you go NC and allow / force her to face this alone. If not, she will heal and get over him by using you... then she will jump ship when she meets a man that she truly respects and admires. You sir, would not be that man.

 

After all this time, can you not wait and go NC for 3 - 6 more months?

 

You so got this if you will just listen to me!

Edited April 29, 2011 by homebrew

[SoCal_Guy]

Thanks, homebrew. That's exactly what I was looking for by coming back to LS. Good and truthful advice from those who know how to deal with this stuff. I saw someone else in another thread post something that made me laugh … "There's no manual for this %$#*" Hilarious, yet so true.

 

I do want to clarify that we already have sort of agreed to taking time and space apart - this happened about a week ago. I let her be, but it's tough. She contacted me about three days into it with a few texts that were light, but then got into a little bit of her latest therapy session, all initiated by her. I told her that I cared about us, but that the therapy was about her, not me, and to do what she needed to do to heal. I told her I was not rushing anything, but I never said that I would wait around forever either. I think she knows this and that's what is stressing her out - she feels like I'm going to move on and she won't be ready in time. That's what is so hard - I want to tell her she is worth waiting for, but only in a realistic universe where she is working on healing herself and not trying to date others or get back with this loser. That won't work and I will not put up with that.

 

Anyway, I think I will heed your advice and ask to speak with her in person in the next few days. It seems like I need to be stronger and move toward true time and space apart. I do care about her and she knows this, so hopefully she will realize this gives us the best chance to work out.

[homebrew]

Anyway, I think I will heed your advice and ask to speak with her in person in the next few days. It seems like I need to be stronger and move toward true time and space apart. I do care about her and she knows this, so hopefully she will realize this gives us the best chance to work out.

 

You don't need to move toward space apart... JUST DO IT! Your job is not to be her life coach, therapist, advisor, etc.

 

You are not being consistent... You say one thing and then do another by responding to her.

 

She is still still talking, texting and emailing the other guy... So she is in a relationship with another man.

 

You do not need to make some grand announcement, tell her what she needs to do, coach her on what steps to take, etc.

 

You are not going to pursue or have a relationship with her until a) She does not have another relationship with another suitor. b) She is fully healed and healthy. c) She is willing to give a relationship with you a fair and honest shot.

 

This is easy... She needs to eradicate the other guy from her life completely and get healthy.

 

That is going to take her some time... Probably 3 - 6 months. The fact that she is getting help, her family and friends are on your side... is great!

 

You are afraid that she will go back to him if you are not in the picture... Problem is, she is still with him when you are in the picture. She will take care of business when you are NOT IN THE PICTURE.

 

YOU DO NOT PURSUE, TALK, EMAIL, TEXT OR SEE an Ex that you want a relationship with if they are already in a relationship with another man. I don't care if they are broken up or not. You have no BOUNDARIES with her and when you do set up... you move it. NOT GOOD, NOT HEALTHY!

 

I don't care what the other guy did to her... that is not your problem. That is her problem, which she is getting professional help for. You do not date "fixer-uppers".

 

This isn't something you need to be mad, sad or angry about with yourself or with her. You see the positive signs that she is trying and working through this. The other guy doesn't have a chance so it's only a matter of time before the other guy is ejected from her life.

 

Stop TALKING and start DOING!

 

It's okay if you want to tell her that you aren't being a jerk or anything but she has some serious stuff she has to work through and you are not going to take part in this anymore. Don't praise her or tell her how proud you are of her. More or less say... Until you are normal, healthy and the other guy is out of the picture completely, there is nothing for me here. PERIOD!

 

After that, I don't care what she says or does... DO NOT RESPOND!

 

Use LOGIC and REASON... It is going to take her 3 - 6 months to get over all of this.

 

If you fail to listen... You will allow yourself to be dragged through he11 and end up losing her anyway.

 

You follow my advice... She will find the courage and strength to resolve her issues and you will be part of the reasons why. She will come to you feeling good about her going through this the right way and have a deeper respect for you... FOR BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF!

 

The choice is yours.... choose wisely!

[homebrew]

Just so you know...

 

My Ex is 23 and I am 38 (There is an age difference like you). She got G.I.G.S. and we broke up for a little over a year. She came back begging about 3 weeks ago. What I found out, is that she was near the end of a 4 month dysfunctional relationship with a super jealous control freak. She said she wants me back, wants to marry me, I am God's gift to her, I am her best friend, I am the only one that gets her, She loves that she can be herself with me, She is happy when she is with me, etc.

 

Does all of this sound familiar?

 

However, she SHOWED me that she still needs space and time to figure some things out and heal.

 

So you know what I did?

 

What is best for me! Wished her well and went NC. So that I do not become a rebound, a backup, a life coach, a doormat, a emotional tampon, friendzoned, etc. Now it just so happens that what is best for me, happens to be what is best for her too.

 

Do I still hear from her... Yes! I still ignore. She knows what I am doing and why I am doing it. Which is... I don't pursue a relationship with an Ex if they are not healthy or hung up on someone.

 

I get the occasional email or text from her... thanking me, telling me that she totally respects me and my decision, that she is working on it, can't wait to be through it, you inspire me, admires me, I can't wait till we are together, etc. No, I do not respond... but I am guessing you would much rather get those than having her dump her crap on you, Correct?

 

You see, I set an example for what she is striving for... To be healthy, to be true to yourself and to not take anything less than I deserve. This is all I can do... She has to do the rest.

 

In my case and considering where she was at when I went back to NC, 3 - 6 months should do it. Regardless of what I hear from her, I know that is what it is going to take for her to get back to normal. That means, she will not hear a peep from me until then.

Edited April 29, 2011 by homebrew

[Graceful]

SoCal,

 

You know where I stand, and I'm not going to say it again, go back to your old thread and read what I wrote, as it's the same advice.

 

Take what HomeBrew said to heart, or consider yourself on a permanent treadmill to nowhere with your GF / ex.

 

I'm going to take it one step further this time and just tell you that you are wasting your time, wasting your energy, wasting it all, on her. Whatever she needs, she cannot get it from you. She's never going to be the right girl for you, never. And even if she gets back with you, it will only be a matter of time before she bails with some wishy-washy reason all over again. I am beginning to think you like being jerked around. Why else would you be doing what you're doing? There's just no explanation for it any longer, quite honestly, if you read the advice here, internalize it and intend to take it, and that has never been the case.

 

It's painful to see that you keep doing the same thing over and over with her, expecting anything to change. Take off the rose-colored glasses, throw them off a cliff, and go NC. And I don't mean that as "test" I mean it permanently. Your choice. Take care.

 

 

 

I do want to clarify that we already have sort of agreed to taking time and space apart - this happened about a week ago. I let her be, but it's tough. She contacted me about three days into it with a few texts that were light, but then got into a little bit of her latest therapy session, all initiated by her. I told her that I cared about us, but that the therapy was about her, not me, and to do what she needed to do to heal. I told her I was not rushing anything, but I never said that I would wait around forever either. I think she knows this and that's what is stressing her out - she feels like I'm going to move on and she won't be ready in time. That's what is so hard - I want to tell her she is worth waiting for, but only in a realistic universe where she is working on healing herself and not trying to date others or get back with this loser. That won't work and I will not put up with that.

 

Anyway, I think I will heed your advice and ask to speak with her in person in the next few days. It seems like I need to be stronger and move toward true time and space apart. I do care about her and she knows this, so hopefully she will realize this gives us the best chance to work out.

[SoCal_Guy]

Wow. That was the harsh truth.

 

I'm not ready to throw in the towel for good yet, but I am going to begin the process of treating this time apart as moving on. I feel like I can do this, but I have some weak moments where I want to contact her. Plus, her birthday is in a few weeks. It's so hard, especially on the weekends and at night. Why wasn't I stronger last month when she came back to me?

 

Maybe we're not right for each other.

Edited April 30, 2011 by SoCal_Guy

[homebrew]

Wow. That was the harsh truth.

 

I'm not ready to throw in the towel for good yet, but I am going to begin the process of treating this time apart as moving on. I feel like I can do this, but I have some weak moments where I want to contact her. Plus, her birthday is in a few weeks. It's so hard, especially on the weekends and at night. Why wasn't I stronger last month when she came back to me?

 

Maybe we're not right for each other.

 

She may or may not... Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. Mine does too.

 

Just listen to what I told you... DO NOT CONTACT HER and DO NOT RESPOND TO HER.... NO BIRTHDAY TEXT EITHER!

 

Give her the gift or missing you!

 

You need to let some time and distance happen... She needs to know what life is without you and you will jump at her beckon call.

 

Remember, Guys like you, do not grow on trees. Also, you have all her friends and family rooting for you.

 

I want her to come back to you when you have your confidence and "mojo" back. That way you will not tolerate or take her crap... If she pulls it on you, you will have no problem... walking away.

 

You got to get "YOURSELF" back before you can get her back... If you are not ready... She will see right through you.

 

So focus all your effort and energy on getting "YOU" back!

 

In a way, you need to "punish" her and retrain her on what you will or will not put up with. She also needs to learn the consequences of her actions. Behavioral Modification if you will. You should expect this when dating young immature women.

 

If you can't hold your boundaries with her and be a leader within the relationship, she will chew you up and spit you out.

 

So go my route, it is the only chance you have!

Edited May 1, 2011 by homebrew

[SoCal_Guy]

homebrew - your responses have given me motivation to do this the right way. Sometimes it's hard to think with my head instead of my heart, but if I want to avoid being hurt again I need to do what you said - use logic and reason. As good as we are together, this won't work right now. I'll just keep repeating that to myself.

 

We haven't had contact in several days now, and part of me wants to just leave it at that. However, I know she will contact me in the next few day to see how I'm doing and maybe to get some of her stuff from my place. I think I'm going to use that next contact as the time to let her know what I need to do for both of us, and then that will be it - NC for however long it takes her to heal and be in the proper state of mind to pursue something with me. It's going to drive her crazy, I just know it, but most of what you have written matches what my therapist has suggested, so there's a common theme that I need to follow here.

 

I think I'll come on here and re-read this thread to help provide the strength to get me through that conversation.

[homebrew]

Don't tell her what you are doing for US... Tell her what you are doing for YOU.

 

Which is, I don't have anything to do with someone that is in a relationship with another man.

 

Yes, reread the thread. I do... I haven't spoken to my ex since last week. Like you, she will contact me soon. I am not giving her any explaination, NC letter or anything.

 

I am simply not responding at all. She knows what I want and what I expect if she wants a relationship with me. I don't need to go over it again with her.

 

If and when she ever grows up and wants what I want... She will have NO PROBLEM letting me know. Same with yours!

 

My advice, unless you hear... "I am ready and want to give us a second chance"... I strongly encourage you to ignore her. Anything less than that from girls like them is them wanting their ego stroked, wanting us to be proud / happy for them or them letting us know how well they are doing (in a good way) or to check in on us.

 

Give her stuff back... Don't say much and go NC. If you need to explain why, keep it short... "Your involved in another relationship, this isn't for me".\

 

She has a lot of growing up to do and you have a lot of issues you need to work through yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

 

Get HEALTHY and hopefully she will choose to do that too. So you either end up with another great girl that blows her out of the water or she will rise up and meet you.

Edited May 1, 2011 by homebrew

[SoCal_Guy]

homebrew wrote - My advice, unless you hear... "I am ready and want to give us a second chance"... I strongly encourage you to ignore her.

 

That is something I DID actually hear more than once when we first tried this again. Otherwise, I wasn't going to try this. I had been hurt before and didn't want to go through that again unless she was serious about us. I had my guard up as best I could, but I wasn't strong enough. It just took a few more weeks for her issues to surface and me to realize that she probably DOES want this but only when she is emotionally ready. I guess I can take from this experience that these warning signs are hard to see when you're not thinking with your head.

[homebrew]

LOOK AT HER ACTIONS AND NOT HER WORDS AND Use Logic and Reason!

 

WARNING SIGNS -

 

1. She told you that she was in the process of breaking up with someone that she was in a relationship with. Once you heard that, time to pull the ejection cord!

 

Looking at her ACTIONS and Using Logic & Reason: You know that it takes time to get over a relationship. I don't care what she says... give her time and space, otherwise you are just a rebound!

 

2. She is still in a relationship with Ex still after the break up (talking, texting, emailing, seeing him)... Even further reason to pull the ejection cord!

 

3. She is in therapy. This is a GOOD thing! She is unhealthy and lost. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been in a abusive and dysfunctional relationship. Another reason to pull the ejection cord!

 

4. You are in therapy. First off, AWESOME!!!! You are doing the right thing!

 

However, You are not ready to date her or anyone else. Until you get your confidence and "mojo" back. Plus, your GF picker isn't very good at the moment. No normal or healthy person would want, ask or volunteer to be a rebound or doormat.

 

Back to her for a moment...

 

If we look at her ACTIONS and we use Logic & Reason: You would not pursue a relationship with her (or anyone for that matter) if they are hung up or in a relationship with their Ex, in therapy, lost, unhealthy, etc.

 

Let's use my very similar situation as an example:

 

If my Ex were to contact me right now and tell me she is ready and over her last relationship... Here is what I would do:

 

Using Logic and Reason... I know that is she LOST and just broke up with someone that she was in a relationship with. So therefore, it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to know what she thinks, wants or is doing. I know that she isn't being honest with herself, so I know she is not being honest with me.

 

Like you, I heard the "I want you back" stuff... but VERY QUICKLY I learned the facts of the situation. I even pointed out her situation and she tried to convince me that I she knew what she was doing and I am what she wanted. Well, I still pulled the ejection cord because I KNOW BETTER!

 

If I would have listened to her words, which were quite convincing... I would have gotten chewed up and spit out!

 

So until enough time has gone by and I see a lot more effort on her part, I will continue to ignore her!

 

I know in her case, to get over her last relationship it will take at least 3 - 6 months... maybe more.

 

If I ignore her till for at least that long, no matter what she says or does.... I will be fine! If I go back when I know it's to early for her to have healed properly, I will only end up being disappointed, used and hurt! So, I don't care what my Ex says at the moment and will not until enough time has passed for her to get over the last guy and she has done enough work pursuing me to warrant me considering dating her again.

 

Funny... Since removing myself from the situation, I have yet to hear from her since. So I saved myself a TON of heartache!

 

She is either...

 

1. Working on getting healthy and normal to be the person that I want and deserve.

 

2. Still with or went back to the other guy. (Which she would have done anyway!!!!!)

 

3. Using someone else as a rebound.

 

4. Didn't really want me back to begin with.

 

Doesn't matter which one it is... Point is, She is not ready or deserving to be with me!

 

I know what you are thinking...

 

"What about her meeting someone new and me missing my chance?"

 

It shouldn't come as any shock to her that I don't believe her... Fool me once, okay... but not twice. Of course I am going to be gun shy. That shouldn't come as any shock to her. She should / would expect a normal, healthy person to not respond to her either. The same applies to your Ex.

 

If she does REALLY want to be with me... She will be relentless in her pursuit! She knows that she has to convince me OVER A LENGTH OF TIME, that she has her "stuff" together and has removed the obstacles that she had in the way.

 

When her and I first met, she had NO PROBLEM doing this, so why should a "new" relationship with me be any different? Truth is, it's not! Your situation is no different!

 

Would you like to know what she will be thinking and what message you are communicating to her by respecting yourself and being cautious?

 

This guy isn't playing around!

I screwed up... I have to fix it!

I better get my "stuff" together if I want to be with him!

I can't jerk this guy around!

I may have lost him forever!

Oh no... Why am I letting this Ex ruin any chance with a man I really care about!

What have I done?

I am going to do whatever it takes to get him back!

This guy will take nothing less than my best!

 

Or if you continue to be a doormat and LISTEN to someone who is LOST instead of WATCHING their ACTIONS and using LOGIC & REASON, She will think this and you will communicate the following message to her....

 

What a CHUMP!

He tries way to hard!

There is no passion!

There is no spark!

He is not manly enough!

He doesn't challenge me!

He is way to nice!

I love him like a brother!

I can have my cake and eat it too!

What a pushover!

This isn't the man I use to know... He would never take my "stuff" before!

He is insecure!

I don't trust him!

Gross!

He doesn't do it for me!

 

I hope this makes more sense to you!

Edited May 2, 2011 by homebrew

[shawn923]

LOOK AT HER ACTIONS AND NOT HER WORDS AND Use Logic and Reason!

 

WARNING SIGNS -

 

1. She told you that she was in the process of breaking up with someone that she was in a relationship with. Once you heard that, time to pull the ejection cord!

 

Looking at her ACTIONS and Using Logic & Reason: You know that it takes time to get over a relationship. I don't care what she says... give her time and space, otherwise you are just a rebound!

 

2. She is still in a relationship with Ex still after the break up (talking, texting, emailing, seeing him)... Even further reason to pull the ejection cord!

 

3. She is in therapy. This is a GOOD thing! She is unhealthy and lost. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been in a abusive and dysfunctional relationship. Another reason to pull the ejection cord!

 

4. You are in therapy. First off, AWESOME!!!! You are doing the right thing!

 

However, You are not ready to date her or anyone else. Until you get your confidence and "mojo" back. Plus, your GF picker isn't very good at the moment. No normal or healthy person would want, ask or volunteer to be a rebound or doormat.

 

Back to her for a moment...

 

If we look at her ACTIONS and we use Logic & Reason: You would not pursue a relationship with her (or anyone for that matter) if they are hung up or in a relationship with their Ex, in therapy, lost, unhealthy, etc.

 

Let's use my very similar situation as an example:

 

If my Ex were to contact me right now and tell me she is ready and over her last relationship... Here is what I would do:

 

Using Logic and Reason... I know that is she LOST and just broke up with someone that she was in a relationship with. So therefore, it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to know what she thinks, wants or is doing. I know that she isn't being honest with herself, so I know she is not being honest with me.

 

Like you, I heard the "I want you back" stuff... but VERY QUICKLY I learned the facts of the situation. I even pointed out her situation and she tried to convince me that I she knew what she was doing and I am what she wanted. Well, I still pulled the ejection cord because I KNOW BETTER!

 

If I would have listened to her words, which were quite convincing... I would have gotten chewed up and spit out!

 

So until enough time has gone by and I see a lot more effort on her part, I will continue to ignore her!

 

I know in her case, to get over her last relationship it will take at least 3 - 6 months... maybe more.

 

If I ignore her till for at least that long, no matter what she says or does.... I will be fine! If I go back when I know it's to early for her to have healed properly, I will only end up being disappointed, used and hurt! So, I don't care what my Ex says at the moment and will not until enough time has passed for her to get over the last guy and she has done enough work pursuing me to warrant me considering dating her again.

 

Funny... Since removing myself from the situation, I have yet to hear from her since. So I saved myself a TON of heartache!

 

She is either...

 

1. Working on getting healthy and normal to be the person that I want and deserve.

 

2. Still with or went back to the other guy. (Which she would have done anyway!!!!!)

 

3. Using someone else as a rebound.

 

4. Didn't really want me back to begin with.

 

Doesn't matter which one it is... Point is, She is not ready or deserving to be with me!

 

I know what you are thinking...

 

"What about her meeting someone new and me missing my chance?"

 

It shouldn't come as any shock to her that I don't believe her... Fool me once, okay... but not twice. Of course I am going to be gun shy. That shouldn't come as any shock to her. She should / would expect a normal, healthy person to not respond to her either. The same applies to your Ex.

 

If she does REALLY want to be with me... She will be relentless in her pursuit! She knows that she has to convince me OVER A LENGTH OF TIME, that she has her "stuff" together and has removed the obstacles that she had in the way.

 

When her and I first met, she had NO PROBLEM doing this, so why should a "new" relationship with me be any different? Truth is, it's not! Your situation is no different!

 

Would you like to know what she will be thinking and what message you are communicating to her by respecting yourself and being cautious?

 

This guy isn't playing around!

I screwed up... I have to fix it!

I better get my "stuff" together if I want to be with him!

I can't jerk this guy around!

I may have lost him forever!

Oh no... Why am I letting this Ex ruin any chance with a man I really care about!

What have I done?

I am going to do whatever it takes to get him back!

This guy will take nothing less than my best!

 

Or if you continue to be a doormat and LISTEN to someone who is LOST instead of WATCHING their ACTIONS and using LOGIC & REASON, She will think this and you will communicate the following message to her....

 

What a CHUMP!

He tries way to hard!

There is no passion!

There is no spark!

He is not manly enough!

He doesn't challenge me!

He is way to nice!

I love him like a brother!

I can have my cake and eat it too!

What a pushover!

This isn't the man I use to know... He would never take my "stuff" before!

He is insecure!

I don't trust him!

Gross!

He doesn't do it for me!

 

I hope this makes more sense to you!

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrreat

[homebrew]

SoCal,

 

Since you are not invested in my situation, i will use it as an example for you so that you can see what you should do.

 

A week goes by since i last spoke to her. I get a call from her on her way to work. No, I did not answer and No, I will not respond.

 

This after her agreeing that we shouldn't communicate until she is healthy and over her Ex. Of course none of that has been resolved in a weeks time.

 

So she isn't being true to herself and she certaintly isn't being respectful of me, my feelings and what I want and need. I set boundaries and she is testing them.

 

She is trying once again to use me, keep me around, see if she has power and control over me and she still takes me for a fool! Otherwise, she wouldn't bother trying.

 

Not to mention, she could have left a vm, called over the weekend, sent a text or an email after i didnt answer. She didnt have a problem doing that when we dated, so she shouldn't now. Point is, if she loved me and wanted me, she would be blowing up my phone, email and would even drive over. Again, that is what she was like when we dated before. I hope me showing her ACTIONS are helping you see it does not line up with her WORDS. same for your situation.

 

Does all of this sound familiar to you? Has anything changed in a week? Of course not!

 

If you hear from your Ex, she is doing the exact same thing that my ex is attempting to do.

 

Do not respond! All she is doing is taking you for a fool!

 

No women is going to fall in love, want a relationship,feel safe, respect or admire a fool!

Edited May 2, 2011 by homebrew

[SoCal_Guy]

homebrew

 

I am meeting her for lunch tomorrow. I am going to talk to her about what I think I should do. I am already nervous about this, but I need to get this off my chest. Holding it in is driving me crazy. Yes, I reached out to her today to ask if I could meet her one day this week and she picked tomorrow. I honestly really do care about this girl and see a future, but I am not going to put my life on hold. It's eating me up. BUT … I am going to read your posts on this thread before I meet her.

 

I just hope I get to the point where you are one day soon. Your story is inspiring. The story is similar to mine in many ways. My girl even drove to my place MANY times when she reached out to me again. This was unannounced, too. She really did want to try this and so did I. There was no doubt in her intentions - that much I do know. If I had a crystal ball or met you first, maybe I would have mustered up the strength to put our reconciliation on hold until we bother were ready. We weren't and I have accepted that now.

 

I just need to get it through my thick skull that this is the best (only?) way to possibly fix this situation.

 

Wish me luck.

Edited May 2, 2011 by SoCal_Guy

[homebrew]

Your situation is broke or lost at all. You are just trying to force things because of fear!

 

Just be true to yourself and true to her! You will feel good, she will feel good and when you two both have your heads screwed on straight... You can then begin your relationship.

 

Don't talk a lot or waffle... Don't try and explain it to her... Just tell her how it is going to be!

 

Which is, I am not going to have ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU as long as you are in a relationship or hung up on another man. Tell her thanks for letting you know where she is and wish her well. If and when you are ready... Let me know and we will see where each other is at.

 

Do not do the following:

 

1. Tell her what she means to you

2. Talk about you

3. Talk about what it would be like

4. Talk about her and the other guy

5. Talk about what it use to be like

6. Talk about your feelings

7. Talk about her feelings

8. Talk much at all

9. Give ultimatums

10. Do not talk about you being upset, angry, jealous, unsure, etc.

 

Be resolute, be firm, be positive, be confident, be glad to see her.

 

If she starts talking about him, shut her down. Say, I am not here to talk about him.

 

If she starts talking about the two of you... Say, Sounds great... Let's see what happens.

 

If she starts talking about her feelings for you... Say, I know. (Do not talk about what she means to you!)

 

Be fun... Act and say if it's meant to be... it will all work out. Make a joke of it that you wanted to see her one more time before you disappear and wanted to wish her well. Just make sure you are DEAD SERIOUS and LOOK HER IN THE EYES when you tell her what I suggested above... Then ask her firmly... Do you understand? After she says yes... Go back to making "light" of the situation.

 

You will do fine... You have it all under control!

[homebrew]

SoCal,

 

Another update about my situation for you to see how this works...

 

Remember she called me this morning and didn't leave a message.

 

Well, I just got a text around 11:00pm that said "I called you this morning".

 

What did I do?

 

That is right, I ignored it!

 

Why?

 

Using Logic and Reason... I know that she still isn't ready and over the last guy yet in only a weeks time. So all she is doing is tugging on the leash to see if I am still attached.

 

What message am I communicating to her and what is she thinking now?

 

He isn't taking my crap.

Did he meet someone new?

What did I do to get him not to want to talk to me?

Uh Oh.

He wasn't kidding when he told me he wasn't going to talk to me.

I wonder what he is doing.

Did I mess this up for good?

 

Now... What can I expect?

 

She will either do one or more of the following:

 

1. Get more persistent.

 

Doesn't mean anything at this point in time. If I get 300 text messages, phone calls or emails tomorrow, it's only been one more day. I know that enough time still has not passed so I will continue to ignore.

 

2. Stop contacting me.

 

a.k.a. - Tug on the leash to see if I am attached, dropping breadcrumbs, etc.

 

3. Tell me to go jump in a lake and that it is over between us.

 

a.k.a. - Be a complete brat and throw a fit that she isn't getting her way.

 

Whichever one she does, I am fine. I know why she would be doing it.

 

Point is, she still isn't the person I can or want to be with yet. I know and she even agreed that she has some learning and growing up to do. So I would be a fool to attempt to take her back. Plus, let's not forget that it is her job to get me to WANT HER, not the other way around. I was a great BF and we didn't break up due to me. We broke up due to her having G.I.G.S. So she has to work to get me back and I am going to happily let her do it!

 

I will keep you posted... and please keep me posted on your situation. If you read through the threads here on LS, what you and I are going through with our Exes is very, very common. When the Dumpers do return, they seem to follow the pattern that we are going through... Which is, they return to the to check and see how the Dumpee is doing to confirm if they made a mistake or not. More times than not, the Dumper "checks" in before enough time has passed for the Dumper or the Dumpee.

 

Most Dumpees, due to not enough time having passed, loss of their confidence or not having healed completely... ruin the chance at a possible reconciliation attempt by the dumper. The dumpee does not use their brain (Logic and Reason) and they forget that it is the DUMPERS JOB TO GET THE DUMPEE TO WANT THE DUMPER BACK. So what ends up happening... The dumpee through their actions (or lack their of) and what the dumpee says (or doesn't say)... Confirms to the dumper that they made the right choice to dump the dumpee in the first place.

 

So for all you others reading this thread...

 

Down the road, a lot of you will go through the same experience you are reading about here with me and SoCal.

 

I am a CERTIFIED PRO at this... So watch what I do and how I conduct myself. No, I am not playing a game or manipulating the situation. I am simply being true to myself, respecting myself, keeping my boundaries, using logic and reason and holding my Ex accountable to what we agreed too.

 

In the end, she will do whatever it takes to be the person she needs to be (which in the end, is who she really is and when she is most happy) to get me back...

 

Or she won't. (Which means she would be bad news for me, would end up hurting me, So I couldn't and wouldn't date her anyway.)

 

Lucky me, I will get to choose if I want to be with her or not... not the other way around.

 

Suggestion... Read all my threads created by me. Click on my name on the left and then threads created by Homebrew. Lots of good stuff in there!

Edited May 3, 2011 by homebrew

[Mike_d]

great thread. SoCalGuy, you need to get out of your own way, you are your own worst enemy here. Doing it your way has gotten you here and you've done nothing to help yourself to move fwd/get better.

 

From an outside perspective the best thing you could do for yourself is to stop thinking, and just follow the directions in the information being spoon fed to you. You would stand the best chance of getting what you want in the end vs. continuing to fail miserably doing it your way and keep riding the treadmill. Let go of the outcome and learn to respect yourself first.

[homebrew]

just follow the directions in the information being spoon fed to you. Let go of the outcome and learn to respect yourself first.

 

I am trying to spoon feed! If he does what I tell him, He will get a second chance. That is the easy part!

 

The hard part...

 

Is for him to continue to take the time and put in the hard work with his counselor to solve his self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect issue.

[SoCal_Guy]

Post-talk update for homebrew and everyone else following this thread …

 

Well, we met and talked about things today. We kept it light at first …just talked about work, how each other's family was, friends, etc. This was hard to do with all this weighing on my mind. I waited till we were done eating and then brought it up later when we went outside to say goodbye by our cars - it got a little awkward. She seemed agitated all of the sudden and that she didn't want to talk about all this right now. I said that was fine … that's not what I am here for … I just need to say a few things. So, I told her what I needed to do. I was pretty strong for the most part, but I did tell her I wasn't doing this because I don't care. I'm doing this because I DO CARE. It's being respectful of her to give her this absolute time and space apart. I told her if I didn't care, I'd just walk away right now and tell her to come get all her stuff out of my place by this weekend and that would be it.

 

She understands and actually agrees for the most part, but I think I added a little bit more stress to her plate today. That wasn't my intention and I believe she will realize that later on. She thought it was ok for us to still communicate, just that her therapist told her to create some separation in her life between her and me and her and the other ex … that she needs to be single for a while and heal. I totally agree with most of that (except the staying in contact part … I'll deal with that as it comes), but I made it clear that I cannot put my life on hold if she is going to get back with the other guy or date other people. She didn't react favorably to that, so I probably should have held that one in. Oh well - I knew it wouldn't be perfect in person because of the strong feelings we have.

 

Anyway, I feel temporarily better, but I know this is a marathon, not a sprint. I'm going to have weak moments still, but they will be less frequent as this goes along. I'm not counting days or anything, because that will make it worse. I'm going to start doing more things for me. I already have a big vacation planned for the end of this month, so I'm looking forward to that. I'm going by myself now, but I'll use it as a self-awakening tour, so to speak.

 

I realize I have some issues to work through, too. I'm going to do something about that and when she comes calling (I know she will … I know it), I'll be even more attractive to her. I just pray she will have the strength to get through her issues and be attractive to me.

 

I'm still open to keeping this thread alive and moving … this is a great place to come and write down my thoughts (much better than texting them to her). Thanks, homebrew. I've read a lot of your other posts. You sound like you know what you're doing. I hope you are right.

[homebrew]

She thought it was ok for us to still communicate, just that her therapist told her to create some separation in her life between her and me and her and the other ex … that she needs to be single for a while and heal.

 

We don't care what she or her therapist says... All we care about is what you want and need. Which is for her to go get better and for you to get your confidence and "mojo" back.

 

Time and Space will help you do that!

 

Great job by the way... Sounds like you hit a homerun to me!

 

It's going to be hard... So keep this thread alive and come back and write your thoughts, questions and concerns in here! We are all here to help!

[SoCal_Guy]

Hopefully, I don't get caught on here at the office

 

homebrew, I would say I hit a double for sure, maybe a triple, but not a home run. I said what I needed to say, but I may have gotten a little too emotional (not crying, just opening up my feelings a bit) for the situation. I knew it wouldn't go as planned, but we left the parking lot on a pretty good note (a hug and peck on the cheek).

 

What's funny is I already feel a little better … a high (I don't smoke) almost. I know that won't last, but I just need to refocus for this period … on me. I am a good person and a good guy (She tells me this as do others), but I need to work on some things, including my self-esteem and insecurities. I realize that.

 

I'll keep coming back here and I'm indebted to you for your prompt replies on my thread. Doing this alone is impossible, so I'll need to be more social with my friends (I am anyway) and I'll hop on here a lot more, especially when I get those urges to contact her.

[SoCal_Guy]

I knew this would happen. She texted me today. "How are you today?" Why do they put us through this? Is she fishing? Is she truly concerned about me? Probably both is my guess.

 

I haven't replied yet …*two hours and counting. I'm proud of myself for not giving in yet. I need to hide my phone so I don't, but it's work and I'm supposed to pretty much available for work at all hours unless I'm on vacation, so I can't hide it.

[homebrew]

Stay strong my friend... I got texts and calls from my Ex all this week.

 

Last text I got from her this afternoon was... Fine then. F U.

 

Hahahaha! Trust me, she doesn't mean it. I will hear from her tonight or tomorrow asking me why I will not speak to her.

 

Yours will act like a brat too soon... Trust me!

 

By not responding, you will give your Ex the strength and courage to do what needs to be done to talk / be with you.

 

You told her you both need space and time... She agreed. What she was really saying was "PLEASE MAKE US DO THAT, I CAN'T STOP MYSELF".

 

So by her sending you a text... she is saying "I think you are a fool, gutless, have no boundaries, are a wussy, can't do what is right, etc."

 

If you think of sending her a response.... Ask yourself this question:

 

Do I want her to think I am a fool?

 

Stay Strong!

Edited May 5, 2011 by homebrew

[GreenPolicy]

She may or may not... Sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. Mine does too.

 

 

Remember, Guys like you, do not grow on trees. Also, you have all her friends and family rooting for you.

 

 

She also needs to learn the consequences of her actions. Behavioral Modification if you will. You should expect this when dating young immature women.

 

If you can't hold your boundaries with her and be a leader within the relationship, she will chew you up and spit you out.

 

So go my route, it is the only chance you have!

 

Homebrew speaks the truth. According to the calendar, my ex is 31, but emotionally I know for damn sure that she is nowhere near that age. As much as I still love her and in a perfect world wish we could be together, I realized that I do not want to see or hear from her again. Why? Because she's either going to feed me breadcrumbs, which I do not want and would set me back, or actually propose getting back together. And in the latter case, no matter what I chose, I would feel uneasy with my choice. If I took her back, I would feel uneasy knowing that she bailed on me once and could easily do it again, and the heartbreak would be even worse a second time around. I don't want to repeat this experience again. And if I sent her away, it would be hard to ignore my heart telling me garbage like "You blew your opportunity at a second chance with the girl you loved." So it's best that I never even be given the opportunity to make that decision.