Closure question

[jeweleestar]

Question for you guys that have, or are currently, been successful at finding some sort of closure.

 

This has been a difficult week, but I know that I made the correct decision to end it with xMM. I immediately felt a weight lifted, but have moments of hurt and questions about the whole situation. I have done a lot of thinking and am soul searching about how and why I may have ended up in the situation I was in. I have some pretty good reasons and I am realizing that they are the things that I have been working on in other areas of my life. So, as horrible as this time is, I really think I am able to take the time to work on me and not work to try and rescue someone else.

 

I know that I will never get the answers that I want, but that seems to be what I am struggling with the most. I think since it is still so fresh and painful I see these answers as a way of coming to terms with everything. I know that xMM isn't going to give me any insight, and at this point I know I couldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth. How or what did you do to be OK with not knowing. Also, how many of you wanted his cheating ass to get caught? Part of me doesn't want the wife to know, because I don't want to cause her pain, but another part wants him to get busted and feel some sort of pain?

 

Thank you all! I feel that the messages and responses I have gotten the past couple of weeks have been very insightful. I hate not being able to share this with those close to me, but I feel that I have found the next best thing here.

[Gentlegirl]

Hi,

I have been NC for 4 months now. I never got to know what I wanted to know and never expect to.

 

I am over wanting to hurt him. I did really think up some wild schemes in my worst times. It got to be exhausting and draining maintaining my anger.

 

Just keep believing that he would never tell you the truth even if you asked.

 

It took me ages to realise that I knew nothing about his other life or the kind of person he is in reality. It is easy for the MM to be whatever they think you need at the time. It is easy for them to tell you anything they like about their other life

 

It was all an illusion and I had no place in his real world ever. I still have trouble reconciling my perception of him, my wonderful lover, with the real him.... somebody else's husband and grandfather.

 

YOu will get there I am sure. HIndsight and time and the natural healing powers of the mind and heart will all work together. YOu will know you are cured when you wake up one day and you don't give a damn....but that's not yet.

 

Good Luck,

Gentle.

[jeweleestar]

Gentle,

 

Such true statements, but you are right... I am not there yet. I wish I could find a way to just flip a switch and have all of these feelings go away. But, for some reason, I know that I have to go through this process to work on me.

 

I look forward for that day where I just don't give a damn anymore.

 

Thank you...

[Flabbergaster]

therapy is always good for understanding how you go to this place, how to avoid it again (avoid that type of man, whether single or mm).

 

Closure...for me half of closure has been accepting that words can't make up for the hurt. i've learned that there were reasons which made sense to her, which i won't understand. there are reasonswhich made sense to me, which she won't understand. and that's how life is, sometimes.

Watch an old b&w murder movie...and stop 10 minutes before the end. You'll never know whodunnit. For a while you'll really wish you could see the ending. then you'll learn to live with it.

[jwi71]

Closure is a myth propagated by pop-psychologists peddling books on TV.

 

It doesn't exist. There is no "closure" nor will there ever be closure. No R, legitimate or not, EVER ends with all loose ends neatly packaged in a box with a pretty bow on top. No R of mine has.

 

And I will now talk out the other side of my mouth.

 

Closure comes from within.

And that closure is not what you think it is.

It is NOT answers. It is not "oh, so that's why".

 

It's...acceptance. Peace. Serenity.

 

Its dropping the heavy weights and baggage that remains in the ashes of a failed R. It's leaving it behind, moving unencumbered into the tomorrow.

 

YOU set what closure is. YOU dictate WHEN.

 

It is not a place on a map nor is it really a goal one can work towards. One day at a time. One step at time. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot....one step at a time.

 

You'll get there.

 

Look within.

 

And if you need help, IC. Find one.

 

Left foot...

[siuys]

Closure is a myth propagated by pop-psychologists peddling books on TV.

 

It doesn't exist. There is no "closure" nor will there ever be closure. No R, legitimate or not, EVER ends with all loose ends neatly packaged in a box with a pretty bow on top. No R of mine has.

 

And I will now talk out the other side of my mouth.

 

Closure comes from within.

And that closure is not what you think it is.

It is NOT answers. It is not "oh, so that's why".

 

It's...acceptance. Peace. Serenity.

 

Its dropping the heavy weights and baggage that remains in the ashes of a failed R. It's leaving it behind, moving unencumbered into the tomorrow.

 

YOU set what closure is. YOU dictate WHEN.

 

It is not a place on a map nor is it really a goal one can work towards. One day at a time. One step at time. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot....one step at a time.

 

You'll get there.

 

Look within.

 

And if you need help, IC. Find one.

 

Left foot...

 

That's so true. Acceptance is key. You may know the answers further down the line, but you may not. Whatever the reason it did not work or go the way you wanted it to. That happens in life every day. Yes, it hurts, but that will fade too. Time and distance will help. Working on you will help. Sometimes by trying too hard to find closure you are the one blocking yourself from moving forward, not him.

[enjoyingnewlife]

youve received great replies here. in a way, i may have been the luckiest ow ever. it wasn't easy, and it took more than 1 try. when i knew i was done, there was never going back no matter what gift, words or affection that i still craved.

 

i still had a withdrawel, so to speak. when i removed that situation from my life, many new, more positive things filled it 1 by 1. not the 1st day or even the first week.

 

in my case, i felt better just to stop something even i dont agree with. later, it also gave me a chance to meet some one who wanted to and could marry me. i dont hate xmm, i just realize he couldnt be anymore permanent to me than i could be to him.

 

i dont know how old you are or what your relationship history is. if youve had relationships end in the past, as you know, you lived:)