my wifes resentments are secrets/ going through hell

[uncool]

I just found out my many years of sexless marriage and very distant relationship are because my wife has deep resentments towards me but won't tell me much about them. She won't even go out on a date with me or participate in any anniversaries. Very much full of hate. She's like a stone cold statue. Warm and friendly to her lady friends, her side of the family and the kids but not to me.

 

My wife has avoided me like the plague for many years including starving me of any love, communication, affection & sex... but it's really gotten nasty & bad over the past year. She cringes if I get within a 10ft radius of her but gets pissy if I try to sleep at a hotel. It's like I can't be next to her but I cant leave either.

The problem is she won't tell me anything or why !! EVERYTHING IS A BIG FAT SECRET !!! I'm not allowed to know what it is that I do that bugs her. I have to read her mind... and I suck at that.

I want to make her happy and would easily change for her if there's something I'm doing or did that bugs her or causes her resentment. She won't tell me how I bother her! How can I change in to a man she's attracted to if I don't have a clue what she wants or likes?

I told our local church leader I was ready to leave her so he got her to agree to a meeting with just the 3 of us where he acted as the marriage counselor (like a referee). He got her to tell me her big resentment towards me. (or so I thought)

The resentment was that 13-years ago she overheard me telling my parents on the phone something about our marriage. She can't remember what I even said (and neither can I) but she's still pissed off about how it made her feel. So I thought this little meeting broke the ice and solved the problem.... Wrong!

 

She still can't let it go! even though I apologized to her over and over and told her I was sorry & wouldnt do it again and asked for her forgiveness. I told her I'd speak w/my folks and tell them I'd no longer be able to tell them about my marraige... and that's just not good enough.

 

She hinted to me the other day after I really kept after her... and was told there was many many more resentments she has towards me and that she felt I wasnt able to "listen" to them yet

 

Hell yes I'm ready! fork it out baby...I can take it like a man... lets get this ball rolling so we can be that happy dating couple we used to be...but nope... it's a secret that's locked inside her brain. She wants me to suffer a few more years I guess so she can get off watching me go through hell.

 

 

She refuses to tell me exactly how she wants me to listen

 

Help me out ladies !!! what's my wife talking about???

 

I AM a good listener. I shut my face when she talks and I hear every word!! because I wan't to make sure the communication chanel is clear so I don't screw it up for another 13yrs.... but now... somehow I'm doing it wrong. What the hell is she talking about??? I can't do this guessing game any more !!!

She tells me that when she feels I'm ready to listen.. then she'll tell me what bothers her. I think there's a whole list a mile long of how I'm not perfect or something. I don't drink, smoke, have affairs, I make good money, I have a sense of humor, i go to church every sunday, I own my own company, I'm a good dad to my 4 kids, I'm a handy man around the house & like home improvement projects, I help w/the house chores, I fix her car, her fridge, her washer, I build her new cabinets, I lay her new tile, I spoil our kids, I give her space if I think she feels the slightest bit smothered by me, I think she enjoys the fringe benefits I bring to the table.

 

... and so she refuses to tell me what her problem is with me as a punishment for what I've done. She can't forgive. One strike & you're out! You have no idea how bad it sucks to know your spouse doesn't like you but you're not allowed to know why and that there's nothing you can do about it.

 

I don't know how much longer I can be married to a person who's so repulsed at me she resents the very ground I walk on. I don't want to be married to a room mate. I need good communication from my wife at this time to continue my marriage with her... and it's not happening

She has very high anxiety & I'm thinking she might need a shrink or some medication to help her relax and open up.

 

Any of you ladies care to give some clueless guy some advice on the mysteries of his woman?

Edited April 29, 2011 by uncool

[giotto]

I don't drink, smoke, have affairs, I make good money, I have a sense of humor, i go to church every sunday, I own my own company, I'm a good dad to my 4 kids, I'm a handy man around the house & like home improvement projects, I help w/the house chores, I fix her car, her fridge, her washer, I build her new cabinets, I lay her new tile, I spoil our kids, I give her space if I think she feels the slightest bit smothered by me, I think she enjoys the fringe benefits I bring to the table.

 

Stop doing all that and at least she'll have a real reason to be pissy with you.

[xxoo]

I don't know how much longer I can be married to a person who's so repulsed at me she resents the very ground I walk on. I don't want to be married to a room mate. I need good communication from my wife at this time to continue my marriage with her... and it's not happening

She has very high anxiety & I'm thinking she might need a shrink or some medication to help her relax and open up.

 

Any of you ladies care to give some clueless guy some advice on the mysteries of his woman?

 

Your wife is cruel. She has no respect for you.

 

She seems to believe you will stay and do all these things for her regardless of how poorly she treats you. So far, she is right.

 

Why do you stay? Most men don't. Staying, while staying faithful (essentially chaste) under these circumstances, puts you in the minority of men. I am NOT advocating cheating, but I'm acknowledging the reality. Instead of trying to figure out the mystery of her, why not look at the mystery of YOU...and why you have tolerated such poor treatment for so long?

 

Don't expect her to change. Unless YOU change, things will probably continue as they are. But you can change.

[uncool]

Tell her that you're willing to work on whatever problems may exist but you're tired of trying to figure out what they are. If she can't grow up and talk to you like a mature adult, then ...Tell her that you're going to seek out your own place to live and if she decides to talk, you'll meet her in marriage counseling.

 

Don't waiver on this because you have to even the scales again. Time to put your foot down on these games.

this is the type of advice i'm looking for thanks !

[dreamingoftigers]

Uncool, you are still doing anything and everything for this woman while you have been advised to go completely 180. I would do 180 for a few months and then if it completely changes nothing (no forward moving direction), then work on your exit plan. Stop doing the same things over and over and trying to crack that nut.

[uncool]

This description is completely consistent with the profile of a cheating spouse

I appreciate the input but no.... I'm absolutely 100% sure she's not cheating.

[uncool]

Uncool, you are still doing anything and everything for this woman

 

no i'm not... nope i just found out completely brand new information on what the cause is and I'm here seeking new advice for this aspect

 

while you have been advised to go completely 180. I would do 180 for a few months and then if it completely changes nothing (no forward moving direction), then work on your exit plan. Stop doing the same things over and over and trying to crack that nut.

what's a 180?

what things am I doing over & over ?

Edited April 29, 2011 by uncool

[dreamingoftigers]

Look up the divorce busting 180. And just for the Hell of it look up the 180 last resort technique.

 

Good to hear that you are not doing everything for her anymore. Last we heard from you was just after your anniversary.

 

She sent a pretty clear message that she disowns you as a husband. I would 180 right away. I thought when you talked to DB, they gave you kind of a run-down of that plan.

 

What I meant by the sane things over and over was in your opening post you mentioned all the things you do/are and you mentioned getting a sit-down meeting with you and her. Haven't you done this in a half of a dozen different ways? She doesn't want to talk and j think she doesn't know why, it's just easier to blame you then to deal with it.

 

It would be far better to get out of this toxicity then to remain in it feeling hopeless and like you are falling short of some mark that you can never hit. I can only imagine (and completely empathize) what this has done to your self-esteem.

 

My h and I have been separated for just over two months now, it us nowhere near as sucky/scary as I thought it would be.

 

Just make sure if you move towards separation that you have a plan first and that you have a certain criteria of things you can live with and things you can't. It will help put things into perspective if you feel guilty.

[uncool]

Look up the divorce busting 180. And just for the Hell of it look up the 180 last resort technique.

 

* thanks I googled it and found out it means to do the opposite of what I've been doing. The problem is I've been doing this over the last year with no results... i just didn't know that it was called 180

 

 

I thought when you talked to DB, they gave you kind of a run-down of that plan.

 

*nope... the plan they gave me was to not initiate physical contact w/her which apparently she greatly enjoys to this day

 

 

you mentioned getting a sit-down meeting with you and her. Haven't you done this in a half of a dozen different ways?

*Yes we did this. In my opening post I said we sat down and talked and how she told me what her issue was. This thread is about how to deal with what she told me

[StoneCold]

My wife has avoided me like the plague for many years including starving me of any love, communication, affection & sex... but it's really gotten nasty & bad over the past year. She cringes if I get within a 10ft radius of her but gets pissy if I try to sleep at a hotel. It's like I can't be next to her but I cant leave either.

The problem is she won't tell me anything or why !! EVERYTHING IS A BIG FAT SECRET !!! I'm not allowed to know what it is that I do that bugs her. I have to read her mind... and I suck at that.

 

If she doesnt want to share whats wrong then I guess she doesnt have much expectations out of this marriage.

 

I told our local church leader I was ready to leave her so he got her to agree to a meeting with just the 3 of us where he acted as the marriage counselor (like a referee). He got her to tell me her big resentment towards me. (or so I thought)

The resentment was that 13-years ago she overheard me telling my parents on the phone something about our marriage. She can't remember what I even said (and neither can I) but she's still pissed off about how it made her feel. So I thought this little meeting broke the ice and solved the problem.... Wrong!.

 

Bull****...if its something that had her pissed for 13 years you know she would remember. You realize that she is lying....oh theres certainly something and whatever it is shes not willing to share it with you. I bet her friends know what it really is.

 

Maybe you should get one of em drunk so she can sing like a song bird

 

She still can't let it go! even though I apologized to her over and over and told her I was sorry & wouldnt do it again and asked for her forgiveness. I told her I'd speak w/my folks and tell them I'd no longer be able to tell them about my marraige... and that's just not good enough..

 

Mistake...appologize for what exactly. You are making your self out to be her "fool" and it will only make things worse.

 

She hinted to me the other day after I really kept after her... and was told there was many many more resentments she has towards me and that she felt I wasnt able to "listen" to them yet..

 

Sorry but this reads as bull****...sure there is something but if she cant even say what the problem is it simply looks like a carrot in fron of a donkey.

[KikiW]

I cannot fathom treating my husband the way your wife treats you. Sure we have disagreements (these may last a half day at most), sometimes loud arguments (never more than a half hour) - each ending with us both talking it out. Even if we don't end up agreeing, we typically find a middle ground. This has been going on for years?? My goodness, you have the patience of a freakin SAINT.

 

The minister should have stepped in and asked her why she was holding on to something she couldn't even fully remember. There is no excuse for her behaving this way, REALLY. Holding on to something for 13 years is asinine.

 

As others have said, I think you need to tell her once and for all that you are not a mind reader and you are willing to work things out, but she needs to stop acting like a child and talk to you like the adult she is or you will need to leave the marriage. THEN STICK TO IT. Do NOT allow her to make nice and then fall back into old habits. Make sure she knows that her efforts need to be PERMANENT, not temporary and that being treated like something the cat dragged in is completely unacceptable.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Thought about this for awhile... and I'm not really sure what to say. It's a bad situation you find yourself in. Firstly- I want to tell you that it's not your fault. The fact is- if she can't or won't tell you what's wrong, then you can't fix it or help or with it or whatever. It sounds like the "arbitration" wasn't of any help at all. She's holding you hostage. Whatever her secret resentment of you stems from... it's not worth 13 years of hate or anger.

 

I hate saying this, I really do. But, if everything is as you say- if she's not willing to open up or communicate... I would leave her. At some point you have to realize that the situation is not healthy for you.

[KikiW]

You have a valid point, I suppose I was being a bit too Pollyanna about it.

 

OP, when it comes right down to it, you'll need to do what's right for YOU. It does seem that she likes the status you give her, but resents you for some reason (a reason she just doesn't feel like telling you, which gives you no opportunity to make it up to her - if there even IS something to make up for).

 

You do not deserve the way she treats you, so perhaps you should think about moving on. Don't feel guilty about it, remind yourself that you tried everything and it is HER that is causing the breakdown. You cannot force her to change, so YOU will have to change.

 

Good luck.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I AM a good listener. I don't drink, smoke, have affairs, I make good money, I have a sense of humor, i go to church every sunday, I own my own company, I'm a good dad to my 4 kids, I'm a handy man around the house & like home improvement projects, I help w/the house chores, I fix her car, her fridge, her washer, I build her new cabinets, I lay her new tile, I spoil our kids, I give her space if I think she feels the slightest bit smothered by me, I think she enjoys the fringe benefits I bring to the table.

 

 

My H would say most of the same things about himself, leaving out the part where he is OCD about household chores so he re-does everything I do because if he didn't do it, it wasn't done; listens but says nothing in return; blanks out during sermons and cannot even describe the topic at the end of the day; considers being a 'good dad' as 'making good money'; fixing things as calling a repairman and making me be here to make sure they fix it to his OCD level or me and the repairman will hear about it, and would define 'giving space' as a great thing although it feels like 'staying the hell away from her'.

 

Dude, she quit talking because it goes in one narcissistic ear and out the other. Why would she talk to you? You're perfect (in your own mind) as-is.

[Stung]

Impossible to know what's on her mind. All I can comment on is her behavior as described by your post.

 

First, holding resentment for 13 years over something she can't really even remember? Doesn't ring true to me.

 

I think you're right in that she's punishing you. But to not try to tell you anything, and the lame problem above, I think she may not even know what's wrong. You're a good target for her anger but who knows why. Maybe she has something going on, like a hormonal or chemical imbalance. Maybe not.

 

Even if you did some things wrong, communication is so important to a healthy marriage. She's doing all of you a disservice by keeping everything inside. I think she wants to keep you in a state of worry and chasing her and paying attention to her...hence her upset if you want to leave for the night...game over for her. No more attention.

 

If it were me, I would quit playing into this game of hers. I would quit asking why and how to fix it. She's obviously getting something from holding that power over you. I would tell her that regardless of what you've done, what she's doing now is damaging the marriage, possibly irreversibly. Tell her that you're willing to work on whatever problems may exist but you're tired of trying to figure out what they are. If she can't grow up and talk to you like a mature adult, then that's on her. Tell her you're tired of living this way and you've had enough. Tell her that you're going to seek out your own place to live and if she decides to talk, you'll meet her in marriage counseling.

 

Don't waiver on this because you have to even the scales again. Time to put your foot down on these games. Expect her to be stubborn to test your boundaries and be prepared to follow through with what you say. If you back down, she will stay in power and it's done for you. If she tells you what's wrong, you can work on it from there.

 

100% co-signed. Given the information we have to work with, I agree completely with SadInTexas' interpretation and advice.

 

I think your wife has herself tangled up in some kind of subconscious knots she doesn't even know how to break out of, and she gets something out of punishing you even if she's unable to admit it to herself. I have no idea how you've lasted 13+ years in such a state, but I don't see how you can continue without serious professional intervention.

[martini-mae]

This description is completely consistent with the profile of a cheating spouse.

 

Are you serious with this?

Everything in life ~ Everyone's behavioral issues are about CHEATING?

 

Hardly.Wow, some posters amaze me.

 

All I can say to the OP is that it appears to me that you're trying everything in your power & for a very long time. If she would agree to ongoing individual counseling, maybe that might save things. If she doesn't I feel for you. I don't know how anyone could live in an environment like that for that long of a time.

Oh, & I didn't read but has she been checked for any medical issues?

[uncool]

Although I believe you (OP) have shown her tons of respect, you haven't shown much for yourself. It's time to stand up for yourself and tell her this won't be tolerated any longer.

I sort of am right now. She told me to be patient with her a few weeks ago while she sorts things out in her head. So I wrote her a letter yesterday (since she won't participate in any conversations about us asking her if we could forget the past & just move on and that I will not put up with another 13yrs of being in the freezer. She seemed upset after my letter ... so we'll see what transpires in the next few days. I'm trying to decide how long to let the letter sink in before I make my next move.

 

 

I know this sounds harsh, but if you stop acting like a doormat (allowing this behavior and changing yourself blindly and apologizing to try to make it stop), maybe she'll stop treating you like one. I'm sorry, I just don't really know a better way to say that.

 

I appreciate your insight. I know I'm going to sound stupid but besides divorce... how do you NOT allow bad behavior from your spouse? I don't think of myself as one who takes crap from anybody. I've obviously failed somewhere in this area and would like some input from others on this topic.

[uncool]

If she would agree to ongoing individual counseling, maybe that might save things.

 

*yes she went to an individual counselor for about 4 times @ $150 a pop. I don't know what they talked about for sure but according to my church leader it was about letting go of resentment and learning to forgive. That was 9-months ago.

 

 

 

If she doesn't I feel for you. I don't know how anyone could live in an environment like that for that long of a time.

 

*she's only been this bad for the past 3-4yrs and most recently bad enough for me to be on this forum seeking help (she would be livid if she knew i was posting on here but I don't really have a choice)

 

 

Oh, & I didn't read but has she been checked for any medical issues?

 

*no she hasn't. Did you have anything that comes to mind? She's so stubborn I'm not sure if I could get her to a doctor unless I threatened to leave her

thanks for your post

[martini-mae]

Well, I'm not a doctor but, depending on her age, could it be hormonal? I know we women hate it when that's thrown at us, but seriously you need to think of any possibility here.

 

Since she's carried this anger for you for so many years, read up on it. Anger can cause a whole lot of other health issues too.

 

Plus, she's conditioned herself to be mad at you. It's a habit if you will. She doesn't know how to break the habit of being MAD.

[pole_cat]

I just found out my many years of sexless marriage and very distant relationship are because my wife has deep resentments towards me but won't tell me much about them. She won't even go out on a date with me or participate in any anniversaries. Very much full of hate. She's like a stone cold statue. Warm and friendly to her lady friends, her side of the family and the kids but not to me.

 

My wife has avoided me like the plague for many years including starving me of any love, communication, affection & sex... but it's really gotten nasty & bad over the past year. She cringes if I get within a 10ft radius of her but gets pissy if I try to sleep at a hotel. It's like I can't be next to her but I cant leave either.

The problem is she won't tell me anything or why !! EVERYTHING IS A BIG FAT SECRET !!! I'm not allowed to know what it is that I do that bugs her. I have to read her mind... and I suck at that.

I want to make her happy and would easily change for her if there's something I'm doing or did that bugs her or causes her resentment. She won't tell me how I bother her! How can I change in to a man she's attracted to if I don't have a clue what she wants or likes?

I told our local church leader I was ready to leave her so he got her to agree to a meeting with just the 3 of us where he acted as the marriage counselor (like a referee). He got her to tell me her big resentment towards me. (or so I thought)

The resentment was that 13-years ago she overheard me telling my parents on the phone something about our marriage. She can't remember what I even said (and neither can I) but she's still pissed off about how it made her feel. So I thought this little meeting broke the ice and solved the problem.... Wrong!

 

She still can't let it go! even though I apologized to her over and over and told her I was sorry & wouldnt do it again and asked for her forgiveness. I told her I'd speak w/my folks and tell them I'd no longer be able to tell them about my marraige... and that's just not good enough.

 

She hinted to me the other day after I really kept after her... and was told there was many many more resentments she has towards me and that she felt I wasnt able to "listen" to them yet

 

Hell yes I'm ready! fork it out baby...I can take it like a man... lets get this ball rolling so we can be that happy dating couple we used to be...but nope... it's a secret that's locked inside her brain. She wants me to suffer a few more years I guess so she can get off watching me go through hell.

 

 

She refuses to tell me exactly how she wants me to listen

 

Help me out ladies !!! what's my wife talking about???

 

I AM a good listener. I shut my face when she talks and I hear every word!! because I wan't to make sure the communication chanel is clear so I don't screw it up for another 13yrs.... but now... somehow I'm doing it wrong. What the hell is she talking about??? I can't do this guessing game any more !!!

She tells me that when she feels I'm ready to listen.. then she'll tell me what bothers her. I think there's a whole list a mile long of how I'm not perfect or something. I don't drink, smoke, have affairs, I make good money, I have a sense of humor, i go to church every sunday, I own my own company, I'm a good dad to my 4 kids, I'm a handy man around the house & like home improvement projects, I help w/the house chores, I fix her car, her fridge, her washer, I build her new cabinets, I lay her new tile, I spoil our kids, I give her space if I think she feels the slightest bit smothered by me, I think she enjoys the fringe benefits I bring to the table.

 

... and so she refuses to tell me what her problem is with me as a punishment for what I've done. She can't forgive. One strike & you're out! You have no idea how bad it sucks to know your spouse doesn't like you but you're not allowed to know why and that there's nothing you can do about it.

 

I don't know how much longer I can be married to a person who's so repulsed at me she resents the very ground I walk on. I don't want to be married to a room mate. I need good communication from my wife at this time to continue my marriage with her... and it's not happening

She has very high anxiety & I'm thinking she might need a shrink or some medication to help her relax and open up.

 

Any of you ladies care to give some clueless guy some advice on the mysteries of his woman?

 

That. Right there. In bold.

 

You know what is going on here. The problem is, if you acknowledge it, you might have some hard decisions to make. If you continue to cast about, looking for "solutions," you don't have to change the status quo.

 

My impression is that she does NOT deserve you.

[uncool]

That. Right there. In bold.

 

You know what is going on here. The problem is, if you acknowledge it, you might have some hard decisions to make. If you continue to cast about, looking for "solutions," you don't have to change the status quo.

I'm not sure I understand...please explain

[dreamingoftigers]

I cannot fathom treating my husband the way your wife treats you. Sure we have disagreements (these may last a half day at most), sometimes loud arguments (never more than a half hour) - each ending with us both talking it out. Even if we don't end up agreeing, we typically find a middle ground. This has been going on for years?? My goodness, you have the patience of a freakin SAINT.

 

The minister should have stepped in and asked her why she was holding on to something she couldn't even fully remember. There is no excuse for her behaving this way, REALLY. Holding on to something for 13 years is asinine.

 

As others have said, I think you need to tell her once and for all that you are not a mind reader and you are willing to work things out, but she needs to stop acting like a child and talk to you like the adult she is or you will need to leave the marriage. THEN STICK TO IT. Do NOT allow her to make nice and then fall back into old habits. Make sure she knows that her efforts need to be PERMANENT, not temporary and that being treated like something the cat dragged in is completely unacceptable.

 

This is ironic. OP, I suggest meeting with your spiritual leader and seeing if you can be absolved of having to suffer through this anymore.

 

My Bishop said my marriage was down to my agency at this point. When a Mormon Bishop gives up on your marriage, you know that you've hit the wall.

 

I know that your spirituality is important to you.

[Ross MwcFan]

Since it's been going on for so long, I would tell her that she needs to tell me what the resentments are, and we need to try and work through them, otherwise it's over. I wouldn't want to waste years and years of being with someone who is repulsed by me, who wouldn't let me near them, and who wouldn't show me any affection.

[DaisyLeigh]

First of all, I would see an attorney and protect my rights and assets, if I were you. Secondly, at least for a few months, I would stop talking to her about this crap, stop making efforts to be romantic or show affection. Stop doing everything for her. Act like you are totally unaffected by her immature behavior. Do for the children only, because they are not to blame and are not in this struggle. Get some hobbies, and a life. Without including her. Don't be miserable just because she is being a bitch.

 

By the way; No one would forget something from thirteen years ago that makes them still resentful, to this day. She is treating you as if you were stupid.

 

If she still refuses to act like a married adult, then take your leave. Find someone who is deserving of you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually, yeah, you do keep trying to get her to tell you what's wrong. Just leave it alone. Just respect her choice not to tell you and you start making final preparations. It that doesn't wake her up, nothing will.