my wifes resentments are secrets/ going through hell

[SoleMate]

You are in a tough situation and I sympathize.

 

Rather than jumping to a conclusion, could you get a bit more info by having her see a doctor for a thorough physical/mental workup? Insist...whatever it takes.

 

By no means do I think any doctor can "fix" her at this point...but there is definitely a lot of untreated mental illness out there, including some cases with an underlying physical component. Your W could be one of them and there may be a fix.

[uncool]

If I read this correctly your brother molested your daughter around 13 years ago, you sided with your brother and mother and covered for him by not pressing charges. And you want to know why your wife holds resentment against you? Well if what I gathered from this is correct well than the answer is simple......you let your brother get away with molesting your daughter.

 

 

Stop running from the truth and confront it. Also, call the cops and report his sick ass

 

No in fact you didn't read anything correctly and there is absolutely no truth to your post at all. Everything about this post is a 100% falacy. This is what I would call forum gossip and you guys should be ashamed of yourselves for trying to get other posters to believe your assumptions based on the assumptions you've read from other posters assumptions. I've never been a great debater and grow tired of defending myself debate style against assumptions on every single post. Shame on you.

 

FACTs:

*My wife told me the abuse situation has nothing to do with her treatments and resentments to me in and that they have to do with other personal issues

*Everything that could have possibly been done to punish the abuser during his young age was done. Period.

 

I'm not siding with a mother or brother. You're starting to believe other posters crap that they've made up when they don't even know the truth for themselves. So please dont start making your own crap up now also. My mother isn't on the abusers side. Nobody covered for anybody and no charges could have been pressed against a youth that age at that time at least where we live anyways. Trust me we looked in to every avenue possible and threw out every repercussion and punishment possible. I shouldn't have to be forced to list out each and every punishment and little thing that was done... first of all it was 14 years ago and I cant remember every little thing we placed upon him and second of all it has nothing to do with the threads original purpose and the fact that if i cant remember the actions in full detail that I must be a liar and side w/abuser are offensive. The actions that were taken against the abuser have nothing to do with my lovelife... I promise.

The point of this thread is my love life. But no... this thread now belongs to some incredibly immature single guy named "porkrinds". He owns this thread now and everything he posts is supposedly gospel truth or he'll spend hours debating his point and verbally shoving it down your throat because he refuses to be wrong on anything he types even after you tell him its not, so there's no real point on me posting. You guys like to spread forum rumors about me and my family and wallow in the crap that you make up... because it sounds so good and juicy! that it belongs on Jerry springer. But that aint cool and i'm asking you all nicely to stop. I requested the mods please lock this thread or replay to me if they can't...and have been ignored... so much for my image of loveshack.

Edited May 3, 2011 by uncool

[DaisyLeigh]

Well in his eyes, his daughter was just touched once during a diaper change and "thank god" she was 2 at the time and wont remember.

He let the family handle the situation and sweep everything under the rug because if he actually went and beat his brother like he might have wanted - he would be the one to end up in jail.

 

Yeah...I know!

 

yeah and now this child molesting pervert has kids of his own to abuse

 

Anywhos that's why he gets so defensive when anyone wants to discuss the molestation issue (which is the heart of the matter) - Uncool would rather believe that its been 13 years, its done - so there must be another reason that his wife is a bitch to him no matter how hard he tries to make it up to her.

 

I don't think Uncool will ever really face the fact that the molestation and the way he let his family handle it is the true cause because I don't think he wants to face the fact that he failed miserably as a father - he failed to handle **** right when his own daughter was taken advantage of in the most disgusting of ways.

 

I went at it with him in his very first post and then he kept talking about both sides of his mouth with regards to what he did and how much/little contact he has with his family.

 

He wants to pretend that just because he's a good father now - that he didn't fail his daughter before.

He wants to pretend that just because the incident happened 13 years ago and his wife slept with him after - then THIS can't possibly be the reason that his wife is so distant from him and resents him so much.

 

Honestly I feel bad for everyone involved. And if the wife is not willing to talk about it - I think Uncool should probably just end things - because he may have f**ked up royally and beyond words - but does that mean that he should be living like this forever? I dunno...

 

Its all very sad.

 

 

I agree with you. I didn't realize this was the same poster.

 

Yep. Denial will do funny things to you.

[xxoo]

First, I'd like to assure you that not all of use read Porkrind's posts to discern the facts. I look to your posts for that.

 

FACTs:

*My wife told me the abuse situation has nothing to do with her treatments and resentments to me in and that they have to do with other personal issues

 

The problem is, the opening post to your Oct 2010 thread says just the opposite. The letter you found said it IS about the abuse. Now she tells you it is not--but she has a history of avoiding discussions with you. What to believe? The account she wrote out in a letter, never expecting you to find it? Or a denial she told you in person?

 

*Everything that could have possibly been done to punish the abuser during his young age was done. Period.

 

And that is a darn shame, because it was not enough. The system let a mother and child down

[starryeyed12]

I think we all did the best that we knew how to help this man with his situation.

 

What it comes down to is there is nothing that can be said to help him. There are too many inconsistencies in his story to really know what the heck is going on.

 

He acts like he doesn't know what his wife's resentments are for 13 years and then it's later pointed out (by another poster no less!) that actually his daughter was molested 13 years go. Excuse me for being cliche but, coincidence? Yeah....no. Not only that, but there was a letter his wife wrote to him about it, but never sent that he didn't want to bring up.

 

He says they've been sexless 13 years, then he says she was having sex and acting fine ohhh about 8-9 years ago something like that...time blends

 

He says he didn't side with the family, did not have close ties, but then he says he took the kids to family functions (note to self: plural means more than one). Then he tries to say he only took the kids to a funeral. Then its, "she told us to go to functions without her." Again plural...as in more than just the funeral, probably holidays and such. Then its, "the way SHE treated my family was inhumane." Who's side are you on, man? And why is the family ties discussion so inconsistent? If you didn't side with the family why were you on the phone with them 13 years ago after your family's traumatic incident talking about it to your parents? TBH, at this point, I think he might even know what he said in that convo that could have potentially pissed off his wife.

 

He wants to know how to get her to talk to him.

 

How can we help him with that if we don't know what kind of background she has and what kind of situation we are dealing with?

 

Um, ask her to talk? Oh that didn't work for 13 years.

 

Write her a letter? Tried that (not very well). Didn't work.

 

Well, then maybe we need to know a little bit more about what the hecks going on if you want our help. That's a sensitive subject though and has been handled, so we don't need to get into the past, except the part where my wife treats me badly and resents me.

 

Ok, then, good luck to ya because there is no other way to force a person to talk. Either you or your wife are bat-sh*t crazy. Probably both at this point. If your marriage is as awful as it sounds, get out for the sake of the kids so they can finally see their parents maybe be happy.

 

Also, prepare yourselves for if you want to tell your daughter when she grows up about the molestation, or if not, then figure how you are going to carry that secret to your graves.

 

Troubled teens who moleste babies need to be severely disciplined and watched. If he was the one who molested your brother's baby as well then you are a sick, sick family, for not doing more. I wouldn't blame your wife for 13 years of making your life hell for having to keep a child molester a secret.

 

Troubled teens do not turn into healthy law abiding citizens by get a wrist slapping. That only leds them to think they can get away with anything. There's a stong chance he could moleste or rape another child, because let me tell you 13 year olds know right from wrong and know what "no-no" parts are. Something is not okay with his moral compass, and you didn't teach him a damn thing.

 

I pray to God that he never touches another innocent child again in his life.

 

If I am getting this upset about it....if tons of other posters are getting upset about it...then why the heck can't your see that your own WIFE whose child got molested by a your teen brother and has kept it a secret may still have a problem with it. Whether it was choice or passively-agressively forced on her to keep it secret, that is why she resents you.

 

You can't make her talk, so leave.

 

THE END. (for me at least)

[Downtown]

Uncool, when you were growing up, did you ever change any of your kid brother's diapers?Child molesters are sort of like roaches. There's never just one.

PorkRinds, this is a new low for you. Your assault on Uncool -- having gone full circle from initially accusing his W of sleeping around (based on thin air) to now accusing him of being a child molester (again based on thin air) -- is cruel and reprehensible.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is extremely disgusting and not what LS is about. I hope that this thread is deleted.^^^^^^. Right-fighting does not make it so, PR. I have also read the same threads and vastly disagree with your conclusions.

[dreamingoftigers]

This thread was not a thread about excusing child-molestation.

 

And to do as you ask: suggesting that someone is a child-molester because they may have been inconsistent in their thread is IMHO: evil. Very evil and slanderous.

 

That would make you the bearer of this evil behaviour which is far worse then Uncool putting up another thread, whether it be about his family, or whether it bs inconsistent or not.

 

Uncool's stories may be inconsistent and I can actually see why but your slander is consistent and sick.

[starryeyed12]

PorkRids:

 

If you are refering to my posts, I did not call him a liar. I said that I didn't know what the heck to believe because his posts were inconsistent. I still don't know what to believe or what is going on in this man's life or if anyone can even help.

 

This has been a very frustrating thread for a number of reasons, but regardless I most definitely agree that you have taken the matter extremely too far by your accusations of him being a child molester.

 

You had some fairly good points at times, but you have now taken it off the deep end. I think that you should really take a step back right now. Try to see how you are jumping to rash conclusions, which can be very damanging to a person, and also lose you the respect of this community by doing so. All valid points are now lost when you cross the line in this way. People will begin to straight up ignore your presence here if you continue, and some may already have.

 

Take a step back and chill out for a moment. Ask yourself if you are being too harsh before you go about posting. Do not write when you are angry. Think about how your words can affect other people's feelings and how you really do not know these people or everything that is going on in their lives.

[uncool]

The problem is, the opening post to your Oct 2010 thread says just the opposite. The letter you found said it IS about the abuse. Now she tells you it is not--but she has a history of avoiding discussions with you.

yes this is very true however this is a newer thread created just a few days ago in hopes of bringing me insight for a "listening problem" I was told I had. You see things are progressing in my relationship ever so slowly (like a turtle). That's why i haven't left her yet. At least I'm getting her to communicate ever so slowly.

 

Things have changed since Oct 2010. There's new information. She's now told me right to my face that the abuse situation isn't related to her treatments and attitudes toward me. In fact just today she said she's sorry and to please be patient w/her... that she's sorting through why she has resentments that might not even have anything to do with me. But this thread has turned in to such a side show at the circus that I haven't hardly been able to talk about my new findings... to busy defending my @ss. New information is the sole purpose for creating a new thread. If I wanted to discuss the old things from the old thread I would have just posted in the old thread. But yet I'm accused of denial instead. Whatever:rolleyes:

Edited May 4, 2011 by uncool

[giotto]

Uncool, that was the impression I got, although it was impossible to delete the child molesting episode from our minds given the gravity of it. And it's a shame that the whole debate gravitated around it. But maybe you weren't very clear in the first post.

 

It's good that things are progressing - although slowly. Now you have to convince your wife that you are ready to hear those unpleasant truths...

 

 

yes this is very true however this is a newer thread created just a few days ago in hopes of bringing me insight for a "listening problem" I was told I had. You see things are progressing in my relationship ever so slowly (like a turtle). That's why i haven't left her yet. At least I'm getting her to communicate ever so slowly.

 

If things are progressing - although slowly - then you should keep trying. Seems to me you are getting results. Now you have to convince you wife that you are ready to hear those unpleasant truths...

 

Things have changed since Oct 2010. There's new information. She's now told me right to my face that the abuse situation isn't related to her treatments and attitudes toward me. In fact just today she said she's sorry and to please be patient w/her... that she's sorting through why she has resentments that might not even have anything to do with me. But this thread has turned in to such a side show at the circus that I haven't hardly been able to talk about my new findings... to busy defending my @ss. New information is the sole purpose for creating a new thread. If I wanted to discuss the old things from the old thread I would have just posted in the old thread. But yet I'm accused of denial instead. Whatever:rolleyes:

[uncool]

It's good that things are progressing - although slowly. Now you have to convince your wife that you are ready to hear those unpleasant truths...

 

I think you're right. Thanks for clear and concise post that relates to my topic. It's like a breath of fresh air.

[Lexygirl]

Uncool,

First off I have to say how sorry I am to hear that you are going through such a hard time in your marriage/life.

 

I have read almost all of this thread and wow .. I can almost see my own marriage in yours except I am the wife and I physically left for 2 months back last fall.

I know you don't want to talk about the abuse part because you 'think' or 'hear' your wife say that her resentment doesn't stem from that but it could be a big part of where things started breaking down....

Please, please open your mind completely and think about the following points (as much as it may hurt):

 

You said she is a private person... think about how seriously intrusive that abuse was for her then.

 

After you found out about your daughter's abuse, how did you both act?

Did you kind of start to retreat into your own worlds because it was too painful to talk about it? Did you stop communicating on any level other than what's for dinner or bills, kids' activities or the weather?

 

These questions I ask because my family, too, was affected by abuse.

I haven't shared it yet on these forums because I am also a fairly private person and it hurts deeply to have to even type about it ...

My dear, sweet daughter was sexually abused by my husband's father for many years before we found out.

It was so very traumatic when she told me and I am in tears as I type this but I wanted to tell you because I want you to know that even though the initial pain is gone, the actions we took in the aftermath have had a lasting effect on our marriage. We have been married 19 years as of Monday, May 2 and it's a struggle every day to figure out how to get through this mess.

 

When we first found out, we rallied together through the stress and pain but then it wasn't long before we stopped dealing with it as a couple and started dealing with it as individuals and started drifting apart.... Neither one of us wanted to bring it up to the other in case we were at different healing points.

My daughter and I both went to a therapist. My husband did not. I cried constantly for probably 6 months... My husband did not. Yes this all caused resentment. I felt I couldn't go to him and he felt he couldn't go to me.

Yes, our sex life suffered, although it wasn't terrific for many years before that, so this made things worse.

 

The guilt a mother feels is something NO ONE can understand.

 

Having said all this, I don't advise you to dig into all of it BUT just be aware that this traumatic experience may have changed the dynamics of your whole marriage. This is not to say that things can't be changed back.

My husband is a wonderful man too but because I stopped feeling like I could go to him about this. I stopped going to him about any deep feelings or even thoughts I have whatsoever and the fact that he didn't show any emotion about the abuse (even though I know he felt it), made me start to hide my own emotions from him even more.

Something else I was resentful about during the whole healing process regarding my daughter's abuse was that he seemed to move on so much faster than me because, like I said, he didn't show any emotion. And yet inside he had probably as much, if not more, pain and guilt inside as I did.

 

The simple fact is you can't pry out of her what SHE herself doesn't even understand. I honestly feel that there are so many subconscious things at play here for her. So if SHE doesn't even know what she resents, then how can she tell you? I think she needs intensive individual therapy BUT I think you two also need to go to someone together whom you both trust. This shows to her that you are willing to 'hear' what she has to say and at the same time she can hear you whether she wants to right now or not.

 

I'm curious to know how long she has been 'retreating' to her baths, etc.

This is an indication that there is something very deep that she does not want to deal with and I honestly think that you sending that letter to her makes things too real. She doesn't want to deal. She is so in denial about her feelings honey. Trust me, I've wanted to go that path myself and sometimes I do but it only delays the inevitable in the end....

 

I'm sorry but she has yet to deal with your daughter's abuse and you may very well be a reminder (even a trigger) that causes pain everytime you are with her... Please don't quote me on this because I honestly don't know... I'm only speculating. HOwever, at the same time, please do not turn a blind eye to this possibility. If this is the case, then she will also eventually deal with this in therapy.

 

I think that therapy is something you need to push for here. She needs to come out of her shell. Denial is a very useful tool for short-term but used as a coping mechanism in every day life, it can destroy your marriage.

 

Other than getting her and you both into therapy, I suggest you slowly change something that you two do every single day. You are in a bad pattern. Another thing I suggest is that YOU open up verbally about how you feel about every day things and also serious things. THIS, believe it or not, is the best way to get HER to open up. She is seeing that you also have deep feelings and that it's ok if she does and it's ok for her to let those thoughts and feelings out. She very may well have been abused too as a child.. who knows. I was physically abused and this all made things so much harder.

 

As far as the sex life, well for me, that was another resentment. I was sexually unsatisfied for many of our years together but you know what... I went along thinking that this is the way marriage is. I had alot of anger inside but only the past year have I realized that the anger was actually sexual resentment and frustration. This was VERY much a subconcsious thing that I finally came to realize and yet now it honestly may be too late.

 

Anyway, I hope I've helped in some way. I'm sorry if I talked about myself alot here but I did it because I feel like my own experiences may shed some light on what's happening with you and your wife.

 

Good luck.

Edited May 4, 2011 by Lexygirl

[Lexygirl]

Ok.. I've taken the liberty of also reading some of your old thread from October of last year so I can better understand more of what's going on with you and your wife....

 

This is what I see....

She doesn't respect you... as I don't really respect my husband anymore... and I know part of the reason is that I never saw true anger towards his father regarding the abuse of my daughter ! This makes a man look weak. I wanted to see him rant and rave and flip out and say all the crap he would love to do to that man for what he did to our daughter but I heard none of that and this causes resentment and again makes him look weak. Women don't want to have sex with a man we have lost respect for or resent.

I'm not trying to be mean or put you down, it's just a simple fact.

 

What I suggest is that you act VERY assertive in the next little while about almost everything including what you expect from her and your relationship..... TELL her you two are going to counselling !

I like the fact that you set up the dinner reservations on your anniversary. This is a step toward her seeing you as an assertive guy. Even though she didn't go, it still made an impact on her... I can promise you that.

 

Listen.... Uncool, I usually don't send out invitations to ppl on here to PM me but for some reason I feel you may benefit from a woman's perspective right now so if you want to PM me, feel free anytime. You may not like what I've said so far and don't want to bother and that's ok.

 

Take care.

[giotto]

I don't think it's matter of respect... there are obviously deep-seated issues and Uncool needs to find out. To be honest - and I know it's been a long time - since things are progressing and his wife is talking more, it would be silly to give ultimatums. They are for when you've run out of options. I wish I could tell you how to progress things even further, but maybe a mellower approach will do the trick.