Such a mess! Choices?

[casey58]

Let me start off with I have been with the same guy for over 11 years, basically have had a lot of problems in our relationship. We were in engaged for over 6 years, and he would never talk to me about marriage, I would try and set a date, but I couldn't get him to talk about it. We don't have alot in common, he likes to drink several nights a week and hang out with his buddies, and also we live together, he is an alcoholic. I feel shut out most days. I feel like he can't focus on life with me because he drinks too much. Also we have always had an issue with sex, maybe once a month if I was lucky. I would ask all the time and get denied.

 

So about a year ago I met another guy, not on purpose, we were out with friends and this guy took a picture, and asked me for my number so he could send me the pic, so I gave it to him. Never thinking what would end up happening. slowly he would text me from time to time. This guy was friends my my friends so I didn't think it was wrong. Till he found out from my friends how unhappy I was in my current situation. He was told some really bad stories about me and my fiance. So this other man started asking me questions, such as are you really happy? Where are you two going in your relationship? etc...then one day he asked me to go for a walk. we had along talk. I was unsure about it, but did it anyway. To make a long story short that was a year ago, and it turned into something I never thought I would do. I ended giving my finace the ring back and told him we needed to make changes this was actually after I met the other guy, at that point nothing happened with this other man. So time goes on and the finace doesn't try, he doesn't sleep with me for almost a year. I cracked and started seeing the other guy on the side, but this guy wanted something with me... I know it's not right, that is why I decided to move out, and im leaving in a month. I don't know what I am doing. I'm now in a situation where I cannot afford to live alone since its expensive where im located. So im moving in with this other guy. He has so many plans with me, things that I couldn't plan or even talk about with my ex fiance. Deep down I have no clue what I am doing. I do love both guys, but the ex fiance I believe is a comfort thing. I don't know how to move past it. any advice?

Edited April 29, 2011 by casey58

[Gotti25]

Who do you love more your Ex or the other guy? Sounds to me your still hung up on your ex! How did he feel when you gave him the ring back?

[casey58]

I love them both, but like I said with my ex fiance it's a comfort love, the whole thing is he always there, but there is no future with him, his focus is alcohol and sports I come 3rd on his list. The other guy is great totally opposite from my ex fiance, he is everything I have looked for in a man. When I gave the ring back I was a mess, but he told me he felt rushed by me, that was why he gave me the ring. I don't want a man to give me a ring just for the sake of doing it, I want him to want to marry me. He is so clouded by his alcoholism I don't see how he has time for me. I gave him so many chances to make a change, and he keeps telling me I want to change him, and I want him to be like me. So maybe he is right. Everything I have wanted in my ex fiance, has been found in this other man. The other man has stood by me knowing the situation I was in because he felt like we were for one another. I won't know till im actually with him, I guess it's a chance I have to take. Just not sure im doing the right thing.

[Carrot2000]

I suggest that you don't move in with other guy. Check the roommate listings in your city and see if you can share an apartment. You are really too confused to commit to either guy right now. Get your own space and clear your head; you might find that you really don't want to be bothered with either of them.

[BB07]

You are making something complicated that should be simple. Since your fiancee is an alcoholic you need to read up on co-dependent relationships so you can understand the dynamic there. You obviously aren't happy with him, so clean up that mess and break it off instead of spending years of your life in hell. Address your own issues then get out and find a good SINGLE guy. Until you address your issues and break it off with both of them, you aren't going to find the road to happiness.

[siuys]

Don't move in with him. Live on your own, be independent and see how you feel. Doesn't sound like your ex offers you much to be honest. Drinking, sports and no sex? Comfortable? Comfort zone is for the living dead. Get out there, get your head/life in order before making a decision.

[fooled once]

Let me start off with I have been with the same guy for over 11 years, basically have had a lot of problems in our relationship. We were in engaged for over 6 years, and he would never talk to me about marriage, I would try and set a date, but I couldn't get him to talk about it. We don't have alot in common, he likes to drink several nights a week and hang out with his buddies, and also we live together, he is an alcoholic. I feel shut out most days. I feel like he can't focus on life with me because he drinks too much. Also we have always had an issue with sex, maybe once a month if I was lucky. I would ask all the time and get denied.

 

So about a year ago I met another guy, not on purpose, we were out with friends and this guy took a picture, and asked me for my number so he could send me the pic, so I gave it to him. Never thinking what would end up happening. slowly he would text me from time to time. This guy was friends my my friends so I didn't think it was wrong. Till he found out from my friends how unhappy I was in my current situation. He was told some really bad stories about me and my fiance. So this other man started asking me questions, such as are you really happy? Where are you two going in your relationship? etc...then one day he asked me to go for a walk. we had along talk. I was unsure about it, but did it anyway. To make a long story short that was a year ago, and it turned into something I never thought I would do. I ended giving my finace the ring back and told him we needed to make changes this was actually after I met the other guy, at that point nothing happened with this other man. So time goes on and the finace doesn't try, he doesn't sleep with me for almost a year. I cracked and started seeing the other guy on the side, but this guy wanted something with me... I know it's not right, that is why I decided to move out, and im leaving in a month. I don't know what I am doing. I'm now in a situation where I cannot afford to live alone since its expensive where im located. So im moving in with this other guy. He has so many plans with me, things that I couldn't plan or even talk about with my ex fiance. Deep down I have no clue what I am doing. I do love both guys, but the ex fiance I believe is a comfort thing. I don't know how to move past it. any advice?

 

Are you nuts? You are jumping from one guy to the next.

 

You don't really KNOW this other guy - texting and meeting secretly is not KNOWING someone and you are going to just MOVE IN with him?

 

Does your bf know you are moving in with another guy? I just am stunned that this is what you are doing and you do not see anything wrong with it!!

 

You are not ready to even be dating anyone; and you are going to move in with someone!

 

You want advice? Get into counseling and find a place to live alone. Rent a room somewhere or ask a friend to let you move in with them for a few months. The answer is NOT moving in with a the new guy.

 

Sounds like you cannot be independent and NEED a guy. That is not healthy at all.

[TurboGirl]

Please don't move in with the new guy. Look online at craisglist for a roommate, or go to roommates.com (I think you have to pay) and find a place to go, put your stuff in storage & or rent a room in a house, whatever it takes, but don't move in with the new guy. Very bad idea.

 

As for your exfinance... doesn't sound like you were super crazy about him or that he participated much in the relationship. If things were great you would not have been tempted.

 

Really need to take a break between guys.

[YellowShark]

Your long-term guy is a commitment-phobe and an alcoholic who doesn't enjoy sex with you. Sounds like a really bad deal. I would walk away from that because he's an addict and won't change or commit to you. Bad deal all around - (and he is obviously an unhealthy person inside.)

 

The new guy is a stranger and you don't really know him at all. Sure he has all these "plans" for you two.. but moving in with him is VERY premature. I would say date for at least 6 months to a year before you move in with this guy.

 

So your focus should be on finding a place to live, moving really slowly with the new guy, and dumping the alcoholic who won't commit to you or have sex with you.

 

Good luck.