Still think of him

[EDET]

I'm MW and he's also married. First he was my boss, then we became friends and then business partners. I liked him from the first time I met him, but never thought of having A with him. But early in our relationship we had PA, he initiated it I didn't refuse though as I was curios. It's been 6 yrs since then. We kept having occasional PA, but it became EA for me. I fell in love with him eventhough I knew he really didn't care for me. He even had OW during these yrs of our relationship. Basically he treated me as a convinient woman I guess. Nonetheless I kept loving him, never told him so. He was very casual to me even told about his exOM, he cared much about. To make things even complicated I had his child. Can't even imagine how could this happen as we met about once a month or less. I'm the worst kind of OW if even I'm OW at all. Our work is very much interdependent, he needs my support, and so do I. I think I'm more so. We hardly ever meet as we both are very busy, we just exchanged messages daily. But no matter how hard I tried to play it cool, I missed him everyday. Recently I decided to stop all this nonsense and focus on my life. I stopped messaging him, first 3 wkd he didn't even notice, then started wondering where I was, then started messaging me asking to meet. I'm still keeping quiet, but can't stop thinking of him. I used to force myself to love my H, but when you are truly in love it is different, I found out. It is very tempting to meet him or even text him, but I'm really trying. Today I had to contact him because of work, but I still didn't eventhough everyone in our company relies on me to manage the situation together with him. So I'm sitting here with my baby who he's never seen. He knows though.

[satinlove]

gosh! why don't you tell him about the baby? or does he know already?

 

well, if you feel he is using you then why don't you move out of this situation? maybe take a break or try meeting new people.

 

more then him, i think you are hurting yourself. please think about it.

[Carrot2000]

Does your husband have any inkling that you've been unfaithful and that the baby is not his? Does he still love and trust you? Do you want to stay married or would you be happier single, with or without MM?

[EDET]

I'm just tired of being the provider of the family. I don't even know what my H does during the day, some nights I come home just to find him drunk. So I guess I'm somewhat indifferent. I'm mostly consumed by my work and children. Sometimes I wish I were just like other wives taken care of. Well not too upset about my situation, just lost all kinds of emotional reactions. No anger, not even sadness, just love towards the children.

[fooled once]

Does your H know he isn't the father of this child?

 

Are you 100% positive the child's father is the MM?

 

Sounds like you are in love and the MM uses you to stroke his ego.

 

Not sure how you live this way; it sounds utterly miserable

[Emme]

EDET :bunny: HUG :bunny:!

 

Reading your post my heart just sank for you. I am so sorry that your life is as it is right now. What do you want from your life? At the end of the day it seems you have other issues besides this affair. You have to figure out what you need in this world. It seems like you can't even breathe. You are lifeless just living every day as a robot. You have to take care of yourself first. If you don't you will slowly crumble to nothing. It's time for you to see someone. Not about this affair but about your state of mind. Be it a priest or therapist, even your doctor. Just a good session and a big cry. You are a strong woman I'll give you that. But in the end even the strong have to lean on someone else's shoulder sometimes. I hope you do. :bunny:HUG:bunny:

[EDET]

About H, he probably suspected about it. I think that's why he's asked for D few times right after the birth of the child. He never confronted me. He is not very verbal, he rather say nothing if the result is obvious. He apparently made his conclusion, whether it's his baby or not he would love this child as his own. He decided to keep the M. This was also the reason I went NC with OM. So things are working out in right way I hope. My H is a very good man generally, the only problem is I always had to persuade myself to love him, which I am doing now too. Our roles are switched as H and W, and this takes its toll on our M quite often. This is very messy situation I guess, where I'm supposed to feel miserable. The reason I don't feel as miserable is maybe my H. The OM used to be my good friend, now I went NC with him I mostly miss the friend part of him. I miss talking to him. I do have to stay NC I guess, no matter how much I want, even only to have those casual talks and messages with him. I thinks he misses me as a friend too. I don't even know how to handle it when I see him. I'm sure I will see him sometimes at meetings etc. So basically I don't feel that miserable as I am supposed to feel. Just struggling to go fully NC, because of friend relationship we also had. The OM or MM never lied to me or promised me anything. I have nothing to blame him except for his heartless selfish nature. It is all my fault to let him have his way. I was going to stop writing again on this forum or think about my situation at all again, but I really appreciate all the posts above. Emme your kind words made me write again here. All I need to do is persuade myself that everything is not so bad, and act so. btw, I love my children, when I'm with them I never see my life that unhappy. So it helps a lot.