Overeacting

[pinklove]

Am I overreacting???

 

 

I have been giving out advice and need some myself. I met this man on an online dating service back in October. Everything was going good until now. He is in the United Kingdom and I am here in the US. That's besides the point though, he told me about a married woman that he has been chatting with on the internet. He claims that he only be giving her encouragement when she needs it. I told him that's what her husband is for. Why would she be on the internet talking to other men about her problems??? I told him I feel that it is a sign of disrespect to me and that I would not be on the Internet chatting with other men period about anything. He got all upset and we had a disagreement about the subject so I just dropped and and tried to change it. Every since then, we have been on bad terms, he barely calls me, we used to chat and instant message each other everyday. He doesn't do any of that. He has stopped telling me that he loves me, overall he has grown cold and distant toward me. I brought it up to him and he denies it and tries to play it off. I still think that his online chatting with women is wrong and I think it's more to his encoragement more than what meets the eye. Is he cheating???

[Velveteel]

The point isn't whether he's cheating, but how you feel about his sense of boundaries. I'm not one of the people on this board who thinks that married people, or those in serious relationships, should have no friends of the opposite sex. But I do believe that you and your boyfriend or partner should share more-or-less the same views on the subject.

 

What you've discovered is that he doesn't share your view. And that he didn't like finding that out. He is pulling away because a) he realizes you're not as compatible with each other as you seemed, or b) he thinks you're more serious about the relationship than he is; meaning, he's not ready to be so exclusive, or c) he's punishing you for disagreeing with him at all, since it punctures the fantasy that you're perfect in every way.

 

The red flag here is that he won't talk about it with you. Try waiting a week or two and bringing it up again in a completely calm and unemotional way. It's possible he's trying to avoid another argument.

[pinklove]

Hello Vevelteel

 

Thanks for ur comment.

 

We talked Saturday gone, and I got all over him about the way that he has been behaving toward me. He claims that he has been spacing himself out because of a financial problem. I told him welcome to the real world, we all are in need on some financial assistance, and that has nothing to do with the fact that u are keeping urself from ur girlfriend, the woman u plan to marry one day. I told him u know what my situation is. (I am a single parent of a one year old baby girl) and I have problems day in and day out trying to make ends meet for my daughter and I. I am a college student in school, and not working, so it's hard. And I told him I don't space myself out from u, and I told him we never had that problem before until now. And I said every since I brought up my opinion on the married woman things have got sour between us. He still denies it. And starts telling me he loves me and he misses me and he will never cheat on me. So I drop the subject again, but I did say when I come over there, I better not find one trace of another woman, I don't have any problem with him having friends, but when he have one that is married and gets on the internet to chat with single (unmarried men) it does bothers me and it always will. I know of his other friends from his country that are not married and that doesn't bother me, it's just this one here that I am concerned about. I am trying to trust him and be here for him, but if he shuts himself completely out, How am I suppose to be here and understand him? We disagree on this matter fine, I mean we are not going to have a relationship where we agree on everything, but I am trying to understand him and work this out and come to a conclusion, but he makes it hard when he spaces himself out like this.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by pinklove

Every since then, we have been on bad terms, he barely calls me, we used to chat and instant message each other everyday. He doesn't do any of that. He has stopped telling me that he loves me, overall he has grown cold and distant toward me.

 

I don't know that cheating is the issue anymore. I would think the relationship itself may very well be over. I have found this to be one of the pitfalls in online relationships....how do you really separate fact from fiction? I've called it wrong in the past and suppose everyone else does from time to time.

 

If he didn't like you being possessive of his 'online communications'...then he shouldn't have used the 'love' word.

 

Can you correct it now??? I have no idea. If he took it that badly, maybe it's best to begin the long journey of getting over him.

[pinklove]

Hi, thanks for ur comment

 

 

 

I don't know what to think now, all of a sudden he has been calling non-stop like it was before and has been acting exceptionally nice to me. He tells me he loves me so many times that I can't accept it all. I am wondering now what is going on with his behavior, because now it really seems odd that we go from barely communicating to him calling non-stop now. Beats me, next week he is getting me a passport to visit him in Britian and I'm telling all of u now, if I find the first sign of him cheating and chatting with other women and having cyber sex with them it is over and I will be on the first thing smoking back to the US. I will not tolerate it. I am already wary of what's going on with him now because he is acting very weird and lovey dovey. Maybe I am just overreacting, but I don't think so. What's you alls opinion???

[Arabess]

It's a long way to travel not to be on 'safe' home turf with only 5-6 months under your belt. Take plenty of traveler checks just in case. I'm assuming you aren't planning to get a hotel room....but it sure wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

Normally, I wouldn't be that hesitant....but after he cooled the relationship once you confronted him about other women and now he is back in swing wanting you to come visit him brings up a red flag.

 

Then again, perhaps he just took time off from the relationship to see how he really felt about you. Only meeting you face to face will make sure that the love he thinks he is feeling is for real.

 

It can be either thing. And either way for you....just be prepared and careful.

[pinklove]

U are so right

 

 

I am taking every precaution I can, and letting my parents know what is going on as well. I still want to see how things are going to go between us before I make that big step in going to Britian, I still need to see how his behavior is going to be as well. I still need answers to why things have picked up the way that are now when just the week before last we were barely talking. I am on to him now.