infectme Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 Hi, I've not really posted in forums like this before, and, I don't really like writing... But, I'd really appreciate any advice you could give me. A few years ago, I met the most amazing girl on a MMORPG, we got on very well, and became friends. We didn't talk all the time, but when we did we had excellent fun. Around a year and three quarters ago, I managed to pluck up the courage and ask her out, as my feelings for her had changed from mere friendship to much more. Since then, until just over three weeks ago, we were going out. We had our high points, as well as our low points. The long distance relationship we were in did cause some issues with time zones, as 5 hours of time difference is a lot! She lives in America, and I live in the UK. During the relationship I started a second business, and also became a sponsored kayaker, these used up a fair amount of my already slightly limited free time, as I help out with local youth clubs helping to get kids out and about on the water (I'm a sailing/powerboat/general outdoors instructor). She started getting annoyed with the activities I was doing, as she deems them too dangerous (What's dangerous about falling off Waterfalls in the middle of winter, wearing a plastic kayak?), and too time consuming (I live around 4 hours drive from any decent White Water). From being with her, I know that she does have very few hobbies - her main one being writing, as with all writers, she has times when she will sit and write, but a lot of the time is spent sitting awaiting ideas to form. I've suggested to her a number of times to get hobbies, as I'm more than happy to support her in them. It seems that our views on relationships are different - she thinks we should spend every second together, whereas I think we should be able to do our own thing, but come back together and discuss, enjoy each others happiness for what "makes us tick". At the end of it, shes dumped me. And I want nothing but to have her back. I've felt massively severe emotional pain for the past three weeks, which spoiled my trip of a lifetime to Scotland (paddling), as well as making me rather ill since I've been home. But, its not me I am worried about - its her. Shes taken drugs in the past to get herself through things, and I am very scared about her relapsing. We've been talking each day, and other than being cold, and slightly bi-polar (which is normal), shes left me very hurt and confused. One day, it looks like we might get back together, then the next shes effectively shouting at me to get out of her life. I don't want to lose her. I've run out of ideas of what to say to her, I just seem to put my foot in my mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 29, 2011 Share Posted April 29, 2011 This is wrong on so many counts.... I really think, on the face of it, just taking your whole post as one big deal - you just move on. You can't change the incompatibility. And there's loads there. Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 You feel in love with a myth not a person and she did the same and sadly neither one of you was could live up to each others myth. Saying it less like Yoda you was not who she thought you were and she is not the person you thought she was. Sorry, while it still hurts, understand there is someone out there who actuarially cares about YOU and your life, and even though you want this one to be,she is not that person. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
SleeplessRomantic Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Ah, the most amazing girl ever. I knew her. I was with her for about 3 years, except the whole "most amazing girl ever" thing was only true for a while, then it became a facade, then it became a "used to be" thing. Understand this, and I mean this sincerely: you will move on and you will find somebody better. There's so many people out there for you to meet. Enjoy your life one day at a time. Live it. Become self absorbed for a little bit and live for yourself. Focus on your goals. Link to post Share on other sites
IntheShadow Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 "The most amazing girl ever?" You haven't described one positive thing about this "most amazing girl" to prove that she is, in fact, what you believe she is. If anything, what you are describing is a controlling person who ruined a golden opportunity for you. You also mention she's an addict - are you sure you aren't trying to stay because you think you can "fix" her? Or is she using her addiction to manipulate you? On the other hand, you mention "already limited free time," which suggests you are well aware that you live a busy lifestyle and may not be able to fully nurture a long-term relationship. Another thing I see is that you don't believe her hobby of writing to be a hobby. That's a little narrow-minded. If someone enjoys something, then it's a hobby... even if there are gaps in participation of that activity. Not everyone participates in their hobbies and outlets to the same extent you do... people are different. The two of you have stark differences in the way you believe a relationship should be maintained. You believe in distance; she believes in closeness. This is a drastic incompatibility, and probably the most lethal. It seems that you are very independent while she is very needy... A needy person needs someone who is willing and able to spend a little more time tending to that person's needs, not someone who is always going off on his own to enjoy himself. Try to work out a compromise if you are serious about winning her back. But if the two of you can't come to an agreement that makes you BOTH happy... let it go, because the relationship cannot be saved. This all being said, though... she may be telling you what she wants, albeit subtly. The emotional distance she's purposelly putting between you and her, as well as the cold shoulder she's blatantly giving you should be a sign that she's trying to shove you away... unless she's always been this distant with you (to which you had a lousy relationship to begin with if this is so). It seems that she's enjoying dangling a carrot in front of your face and yanking it away when you get bold enough to reach out for it... and do you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with someone like that? Personally, I don't see anything positive coming of a reconciliation between the two of you. It seems you both fell for mirages of each other, and now that you're seeing things clearly... there's too many differences and obstacles there to make it a worthwhile and meaningful relationship. Be prepared to let go and move on... I think you would benefit from finding someone to talk to, a professional perhaps, in regards to your feelings. If you are becoming physically ill as a result of your emotions, you may need to seek assistance to help you recover effectively. You can't love someone without first loving yourself. Good luck to you, whatever comes your way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author infectme Posted May 3, 2011 Author Share Posted May 3, 2011 Hi all, Thank you for spending the time to post here. Its been interesting to read your replies. IntheShadow - thank you for questioning what I am thinking, its made me ask a lot of questions of myself, and make me think a lot more. I also really appreciate being your first post. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Hi all, Thank you for spending the time to post here. Its been interesting to read your replies. IntheShadow - thank you for questioning what I am thinking, its made me ask a lot of questions of myself, and make me think a lot more. I also really appreciate being your first post. Thank you. Have you ever met this girl in person? Link to post Share on other sites
Author infectme Posted May 3, 2011 Author Share Posted May 3, 2011 I'm not quite sure who you are refering to... I've never met either my ex, nor IntheShadow. Link to post Share on other sites
IntheShadow Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Glad to hear an update from you. Good for you for taking the time for self-reflection and self-questioning. That's a big step in helping you find the mistakes, reflect over what could've been done better (or what shouldn't have been done at all), and ultimately heal yourself. Unfortunately you've not offered much more beyond that, but that's your call on how open you're willing to make yourself for criticism, encouragement, and assistance. So, what did you learn from the situation as a whole... the relationship, the separation, and your own self-investigation? Take some time to contemplate everything... put all those pieces together, and make yourself a stronger, better person. And hopefully your ex has been doing the same - remember that she is also at fault for things going downhill between the two of you. I think you're slowly beginning to recover from all of this. Keep going forward... stepping backwards will only reopen healing wounds and make this painful time in your life longer. Have faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 So you never met your ex? How were you supposed to spend more time together if you were never together? I have never been able to understand these cyber relationships and why people take them so seriously Meet a girl you can actually see and touch is my advise Link to post Share on other sites
IntheShadow Posted May 3, 2011 Share Posted May 3, 2011 Couldn't edit my previous post, so here I am again. I get the feeling you may be wanting to talk but don't want to reveal too much in public domain. So I thought I'd offer you my e-mail address in the event you'd like to pursue further conversation. My e-mail is [email protected]. And if instant messaging is more your speed, I also have Yahoo IM... same name as in the address. Perhaps talking one-on-one will be easier with you, even if I'm just a complete stranger. Don't ever be afraid to ask for help... Asking for help is not a sign of weakness - no, it's actually quite the opposite. Keep your head up! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts