15 years of NC, and this is what she writes me

[iceweasel6]

Crazy story, but when I was 18 I really liked this girl a lot and I treated her very well. Back then I was a virgin and I lost it to her in special way.

Little did I know a year later she would cheat on me, and I end up breaking up with her immediately and not looking back.

 

Flash forward 15 years, if you knew my name and googled me, my photo is still on my previous hospital directory (yes I am an M.D., - still a resident though, and doing a masters in my transitional year). - just googled myself and it's still there - they need to take it down, because I haven't been there for a year. I'm guessing that's the photo she saw and decided to send out breadcrumbs (that's what the kids say now-a-day)

 

Anyway, this is what my ex ex ex ex (you get the idea) wrote:

 

Hello Stranger,

 

It’s been so long you probably forget who I am. Spring is here and I saw an old green colour VW Cabrio with the top down and of course you crossed my mind. I thought you must be married with at least 2 gorgeous kids and wondered where you might be living. I know you definitely must have been finished med school by now and working somewhere. I decided to do a quick search on good ole’ Google and lo and behold. Your bright white teeth and beautiful smile stared back at me. You should have seen the look on my face! I didn’t want to search too much because that’s just too creepy, but I did come across this email address if it happens to work.

 

 

I hope all is well and if this does reach you please feel free to email me back. I know we haven't spoke in years, but it's a new day! Happy Friday.

 

 

Your old friend,

T

 

Names have ben redacted for privacy reasons.

 

I have sat on it for a week, and have decided to respond with this:

 

T,

 

Thank you for your email.

 

While I am flattered by you remembering me after all these years, I do not feel it would be appropriate for us to resume contact.

It would be careless of me to not to tell you this, as well as disrespectful of your feelings or intentions to not make it clear to you.

 

I wish you continued success in the future.

 

All the best,

 

I think avoiding her email is an insecure trait, and being more direct, honest, straight forward, concise and clear in my position is a more secure and direct way of handling the situation.

 

Thoughts?

[jstobo]

Are you married? If so, I would have replied with something a little softer. If you're not married, I'm not sure what's inappropriate about her reaching out. This is happening on Facebook daily. If my high school sweetheart sent me that e-mail, i wouldn't respond like that and we went out for three years and she totally cheated on me.

 

I don't know, seemed harsh to me.

[iceweasel6]

jstobo,

 

Thanks for the candid response.

I'm not married, but I wanted to convey that I have no interest in her what so ever, and I don't want to reconnect as well.

 

What would you recommend I say to convey my thoughts without sounding so "harsh"?

 

Thanks.

[JasonRules]

I agree with what Ice did. He was direct, candid, and honest. I wish everyone was like this. It would save us a lot of time and energy.

[Lil1]

Ice if you really don't want to reestablish contact with her then I would leave things as is. Let her believe that it is no longer a working email address and you never got it, just don't answer her at all. Anything short of a friendly reply she will be hurt and may interpret it as you are still holding a grudge against her after 15 years.

[2sunny]

i think it's a fantastic response. if you plan to respond at all - it sends a clear message.

 

she certainly is gushing and quick to presume what your life must be like -

 

i admire that you offered her no personal info - which is what she was fishing for - and was hopeful you are available.

 

what other reason would she contact for now - after 15 years... maybe she's divorced now with several of her own small children after men have treated her as badly as she treated you? who knows? ahahaha, good for you not giving out your private info.

[Leda]

Ice if you really don't want to reestablish contact with her then I would leave things as is. Let her believe that it is no longer a working email address and you never got it, just don't answer her at all. Anything short of a friendly reply she will be hurt and may interpret it as you are still holding a grudge against her after 15 years.

 

I agree, I think the response is way too mean. She made a mistake when she was a kid (cheating), that she may sorely regret. She may be going through a tough time in her life now, that you know nothing about. Heartbreak, breast cancer scare, actual cancer, being cheated in herself (karma!), a loved friend dying, losing a baby--in 15 years, you don't know. Usually people reach out to an ex from THAT long ago when their life sucks.

 

A couple of people from high school have gotten in touch with me who I wasn't interested in hearing from. I just ignored them, and they didn't try again.

 

It sounds like you DO hold a grudge about the actions of a very young girl 15 years ago (unless there's a big age gap and she was like 30 at the time lol)...that would be something to look at in your own current relationships. She already did the time for her crime. It's understandable if you don't want to give her a chance as a friend or a human being, but you don't have to write anything mean.

[jstobo]

I just wouldn't have responded.

[betterdeal]

I like your reply. It's clear and gets your message across. Although I would like to think I would be even more direct and change,

 

I do not feel it would be appropriate for us

 

to

 

I do not wish for us

[brightskies]

Don't bother responding. Just let it be. A response, even one that says you think any contact would be inappropriate, come across as an invitation. The mere act of writing back to her would contradict what you're trying to say.

[change]

I think avoiding her email is an insecure trait, and being more direct, honest, straight forward, concise and clear in my position is a more secure and direct way of handling the situation.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't know if it's the RIGHT advice or not, but I like the email you drafted. I'm all for being direct and honest.

[Conscience]

She's in an obvious dry spell and is fishing for a quick and easy bite! I think that your message here is the perfect message for the current scenario!

[iceweasel6]

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post and respond, I really appreciate it.

 

There seems to be two camps of thought: respond, or don't respond.

 

I will give you all a little baseline of my thinking so that you can understand why I am responding.

 

Firstly, the email was sent by her and received by me - and ultimately I read it. She knows as much as I do, that the email got through - to say otherwise would be a serious case of denial and a lack of ability to accept reality (seeing things as you would like them to be, not as they are). It would be understandable if she sent the email and it was bounced back to her, and she received one of those "mail delivery failed" messages back, but she didn't because it actually made it to "a" mail box (the reasons for the quotations "a" will be explained shortly).

 

If I were to assume that the said mailbox was not mine, and it never made it to me, she would be in the same state that she currently is in now - she sent an email, did it get through, was it read. But that's not the case, on the faculty website, you can see my picture, my name, and my email address all bundled up nicely. There is a intrinsic expectation that if that's me, with my contact email, sending an email will results in getting to it's destination - which it did. So it's not as though it made it to "a" inbox, no it made it to mine, the correct destination, because she had correct information.

 

So now, I have two options - irrespective of what she believes (that it made to the right place or that I read it etc). I can pretend I didn't get the email and not respond (immature coping mechanism), or I can deal with the situation head on (mature coping mechanism).

 

For me, the option of not replying says to myself that I haven't dealt with my emotions about this situation from 15 years ago because today, I still can't deal with it, thats why I can't reply.

If I am truly intimately acquainted with me (which I hope I am), I can authentically reply to this email in a manner that is consistent with me, my feelings, and my actions.

 

I will respond. I need my response to be firm. I need my response to be succinct and not leave room for misinterpretation. I need my response to be respectful of her and me. I need my response to be truthful and authentic.

 

With that said,

JasonRules - totally agree. You can't dance around the issue and try and say something that is anything short of what you really feel inside (absent malice, hate or revenge).

 

lil1 - Thanks for your response. While I respect your opinion, pretending that the email doesn't work is only lying to myself and probably will let her know that I wasn't even mature or capable of responding to an email.

 

2sunny - I have to agree you probably hit the nail on the head. I talked to my good buddy last night about it, and he said the same thing. He went so far as to say that she didn't want to hang around for the ride she just wanted to get to the destination - back then I had just graduated from highschool - just started college but I had dreams of becoming a doctor one day - but they were just dreams. I don't judge her, and I don't even know what her true intentions are (these are just speculations) - but whatever her intentions are - I'm being direct about mine.

 

Leda - Mistake or not, it was so long ago, that it took me a while to realize who it was. Her transgressions have been long forgiven. I have moved on so much since then in so many different ways. If I held a grudge, I think I would have more to say than that, and I would not have been able to so eloquently consider her perspectives and mind. I think that is key to true forgiveness, to consider her perspective as well. I think I capture that true essence in my response.

 

jstobo - thanks for responding to my question. While you would not respond, for reasons listed above, I have to. I can't lie to myself and pretend I didn't receive it.

 

betterdeal - I like that. Appropriate did make it feel like there was something forbidden, while there kind of is (I would like to get back with an ex) - upon further consideration, I prefer your sentence. I hope you don't mind that I will use it. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

brightskies - I did not consider this at all. I feel that my email response is strong enough to close and lock the door after I send the email.

 

change - I agree. "Right" is very subjective and it really depends on where you are in your development and growth. For me, at this stage, acknowledging her email is appropriate. There was a time when I would have dumped it in the trash.

Edited April 30, 2011 by iceweasel6

[washguy74]

"I do not feel it would be appropriate for us to resume contact."

 

That's stiff and formal, totally sounds like you are married.

 

Sure she is fishing around, seeing what you are up to. She remembers you fondly, and you are holding a grudge, which of you is at peace with the past here?

 

I do think it's good you are responding, but after fifteen years maybe remind her why you want to continue no interaction. At the least you open the door for her to apologize again. Then you can forgive her for the (first?) last time.

[gallop30]

if you have no intentions,why bother with some elaborate email?

just let it be

 

i bet you're curious

[Leda]

When she says "feel free to email me back", she's acknowledging that you might receive the note, not want to reply, and not reply. She's leaving the door wide open for that as a polite response.

 

It's not lying or pretending--it's a totally acceptable response to her closed-ended email, which clearly, explicitly INVITES either a correspondence ("feel free to email me back" if you get this) or silence ("feel free.")

 

If you have to respond, soften the tone so you sound less bitter and freaked out, and less like it's a huge deal to you. Right now ("appropriate?"), it sounds sort of Victorian, like you're married and your wife is very insecure and a harlot is showing you her breasts, and you are turned on and angry that you're turned on, and you're taking the high road ("Young lady, cover yourself.")

 

New advice: take her "feel free" at face value and expect not to hear from her again. If you get a second email, THEN send something back. At that point, it wouldn't be overstating the case, the way it is now. And it could be a bit softer.

 

T,

 

I wanted to acknowledge that I did receive your emails. While I'm flattered you remember me after all these years, I don't wish to resume contact now. I do hope you're doing well, and wish you continued success in the future. All the best,"

[iceweasel6]

When she says "feel free to email me back", she's acknowledging that you might receive the note, not want to reply, and not reply. She's leaving the door wide open for that as a polite response.

 

It's not lying or pretending--it's a totally acceptable response to her closed-ended email, which clearly, explicitly INVITES either a correspondence ("feel free to email me back" if you get this) or silence ("feel free.")

 

If you have to respond, soften the tone so you sound less bitter and freaked out, and less like it's a huge deal to you. Right now ("appropriate?"), it sounds sort of Victorian, like you're married and your wife is very insecure and a harlot is showing you her breasts, and you are turned on and angry that you're turned on, and you're taking the high road ("Young lady, cover yourself.")

 

New advice: take her "feel free" at face value and expect not to hear from her again. If you get a second email, THEN send something back. At that point, it wouldn't be overstating the case, the way it is now. And it could be a bit softer.

 

T,

 

I wanted to acknowledge that I did receive your emails. While I'm flattered you remember me after all these years, I don't wish to resume contact now. I do hope you're doing well, and wish you continued success in the future. All the best,"

 

Leda - you make me laugh @Victorian harlot - hahahahaha - why am I turned on??? Hahahahaha. Thanks for the humor. I can acknowledge at times I can be too appropriate and professional in some of my communications - I feel it's always better to be appropriate than not.

 

I do like your new revision. I can see how much softer it is, and I will definitely consider amending it. As well, I can see how it comes off less of a huge deal while still being firm.

 

Thanks for taking the time to post it. I definitely learned something.

[Fufu]

i actually really like your reply. Who cares if it sounds harsh or inappropriate. We don't have to please all of our exes.

 

Though for me I will just read. Laugh it off and delete to TRASH.

[iceweasel6]

UPDATE: I sent my email yesterday, and it's funny, but I got an immediate response. No I will not be responding, yes it went into the trash bin (I actually had to retrieve it to post here).

 

I think this a great psychology 101 learning experience.

 

Here is my response:

 

T,

 

It was nice to hear from you, and to know that you are happy and well.

While I'm flattered you remember me after all these years, I don't wish to resume contact now.

 

I do hope you're doing well, and wish you continued success in the future.

 

All the best,

 

Literally less than an hour later (i was a bit preoccupied yesterday so I didn't see it immediately). This was her response.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. I don't have any ulterior motives for contacting you if that's what you might think. I know my last email was quite personal and honest but that's how I am. I am in a relationship right now and I'm happy so I was just reaching out to say hi. That's all -nothing more and nothing less.

 

Good luck,

 

T K

 

Did any of you find her previous email personal? I didn't. I thought it was a bit creepy that she googled me, then began fantasizing that I had kids, but other than that, personal would not be my word.

 

The psychology is fascinating, because when I'm in a happy fulfilled relationship, looking up an ex from oh...i donno....15 years ago, is the last thing on my mind.

 

I'm not going to say more on the issue, because I'm dealing with so many things right now (personal and professional). I would be a great psychology case as well

 

Anyway, thank you all for helping me bring a swift but "gentle" close to this road.

Especially you Leda who brought out a more gentle side while still being firm truthful and honest.

 

I am still laughing about the Victorian harlot thing. I want to look, but my wife is standing right beside me....hahahahahahaha....."For the love of god, cover they bosom!!!" hahahahhahaha.....i'm killing myself.

 

Have a great day everyone.

[Leda]

Wow, her response to the softer email was--the same response I would've expected to the harsher email!

 

She sounds psycho! It's interesting she assumes your wish not to have contact is about ulterior motives...I can see someone thinking that if you said "not appropriate," but you said you "didn't wish" to. One other reason you might not wish to would be that she cheated on you!! and you don't remember her fondly. And that's just one other reason!

 

Even my semi-stalker, when I said something as direct as what you said, stopped emailing me. Now you know you dodged a bullet by saying you didn't want to get back in touch.

[iceweasel6]

Leda,

 

Yeah, I didn't think she would respond - but she did. I'm just glad that I was straight forward, direct and secure with my response vs. passive and avoidant.

 

Thanks for your help.

[betterdeal]

You're happy, and that's the desired outcome!

 

Just one thought I'd like to add is that being avoidant is a legitimate response to a threat. Patently not the response you wished to develop to this threat, and your assertive response has turned out well, as desired. I too have found being assertive has made my life better.

 

However, if we fall into the trap of avoiding avoidance as a response, we limit our options and can end up being hamstrung as a result. The latest email from her is a good example of where avoidance is probably a good response. Essentially nothing has changed and she's offering nothing new, so responding to this will just keep the line of communication ongoing thus meeting her desire and not yours.

 

In short, I'd ignore her from now on and instead enjoy the benefit of this well placed "no thank you".

[johan]

Edit... I re-read it and changed my mind.

Edited May 2, 2011 by johan

[iceweasel6]

betterdeal,

 

So true, it is paradoxical. Even when being assertive it's important to realize when being assertive includes exercising restraint when the objective can be accomplished with silence. In this case, after making my desires known, any response to her message would contradict my initial reply.

Funny how that works. Goes to show that there is no rule book per se, just common sense.

 

johan,

 

Interesting perspective. Can't say I share it. But I will admit when I was 18 it did hurt. The day I found out, I broke up with her. I can't think of a situation where cheating doesn't hurt. But today, I understand. I understand why she did it, and I understand why I felt that way. It's a part of me today. I have integrated it into who I am. As someone young and impressionable I used that experience to teach me to never cheat on someone - and I never have.

 

Me shutting her down was my way of saying that the life I have today, you are not permitted to be a part of - exercising that right is my own, and needs no justification.

 

Thanks for the comments.

Cheers all.