Embarrasment issue

[Krix]

So it's been a long known thing to me that I get embarrassed very easily. Ever since I was a kid if I was embarrassed in public I would get very upset and shut down.

I've learned to deal with the social aspect over time by just learning to laugh at myself.

My issue is being embarrassed over sexual things. I've had this problem, well of course ever since I started having sex. I thought it was just an issue of rarely being able to bring myself to talk dirty during sex, but recently it's been brought to my attention, certain things that I do without really noticing it.

I've been in a relationship for about a year now, and last night I wanted to have sex. My boyfriend, who was already pretty annoyed from work that day, got on my case and told me how annoying it was, that when I wanted to have sex I'd just poke at him, or other childish things, instead of just doing or saying something like "Hey babe lets go have sex."

I can't really figure out why I can't say it. I can think it in my head sure, I can think of plenty in my head that I just cannot physically bring myself to say.

I really need to figure out a way to overcome this or it may put a slight strain on the relationship but mostly a strain myself mentally.

[TaraMaiden]

The only way to overcome it, is to diagnose why you do it in the first place.

 

It would seem inappropriate for a child to suggest sex, but there again, we love kids and they're endearing, cute and we can't resist a cute kid....so in a way you're using child-like behaviour to endear yourself to your BF.

But something isn't working....Obviously, he would prefer to think his GF has a mature, adult approach and attitude to sex, rather than suggesting it in a cutsey way....

 

Why would you have a hang-up about sex?

Upbringing? Religious influence?

 

How would you see the best way to work round that?

 

What do you actually really think about having sex?

How liberated are you, or do you feel, when you're actually having sex?

Are you adventurous and exciting?

[Krix]

That's the weirdest part really. I don't have very many personal sexual restrictions. When it comes to talking about sexual things with my friends I'm fine. I wasn't raised in an overly strict religious household, my parents raised me catholic, but I since then took a more agnostic/atheist approach to all that.

I think my problem lies within feeling judged by him, and with past boyfriends, I feel like being open like that would just leave me open to being laughed at for saying or doing things in the bedroom.

I guess I don't like the idea of being judged or laughed at by someone I care so much about.

I guess it doesn't help that the few time's I've really tried, he's chuckled, but insisted it was because it was cute, but it still made me a bit mad.

 

During sex I wouldn't say I just lay there like a log, but my embarrassment issue keeps me from saying things I'd like to. He likes dirty talk and I can think of things to say, but I shy away from doing so.

[TaraMaiden]

Have you actually tried explaining this to him?

You know, if we're going to have sex with somebody, and reveal our most intimate, private sensual physical behaviour to someone, then surely it should follow that we would be equally open to talking about it, discussing it and revealing our most personal, private nature.

 

It's ironic that we strip ourselves bare - metaphorically and actually - to someone else, yet feel we cannot communicate matters of this nature out of embarrassment and wondering what they'd think of us....

 

You need to talk this over with him and tell him you're concerned about ridicule...

 

You owe it to both of you to try to resolve this.

[Krix]

I've told him I get easily embarrassed but I don't think he really understands just how bad it can get.

I'll talk to him about it more in depth and we'll see how that goes. I'm sure once I explain it to him more he'll get it and be more understanding.

[SxB]

So it's been a long known thing to me that I get embarrassed very easily. Ever since I was a kid if I was embarrassed in public I would get very upset and shut down.

I've learned to deal with the social aspect over time by just learning to laugh at myself.

My issue is being embarrassed over sexual things. I've had this problem, well of course ever since I started having sex. I thought it was just an issue of rarely being able to bring myself to talk dirty during sex, but recently it's been brought to my attention, certain things that I do without really noticing it.

I've been in a relationship for about a year now, and last night I wanted to have sex. My boyfriend, who was already pretty annoyed from work that day, got on my case and told me how annoying it was, that when I wanted to have sex I'd just poke at him, or other childish things, instead of just doing or saying something like "Hey babe lets go have sex."

I can't really figure out why I can't say it. I can think it in my head sure, I can think of plenty in my head that I just cannot physically bring myself to say.

I really need to figure out a way to overcome this or it may put a slight strain on the relationship but mostly a strain myself mentally.

 

"I can't really figure out why I can't say it."

 

You don't WANT to say it.

 

Why don't you just be yourself and do what works for you, if some one doesn't like it, consider it incompatibility.

 

Tell your boy friend you are comfortable with how you do your things and it's who you are, and that you won't be changing.

[SxB]

Another thing I will add, is that it's up to you to ask yourself whether you're being passive aggressive or not and if you want to be that way or not.

 

People often communicate unclear on PURPOSE because they are passive aggressive which makes them manipulative, and that stems from being needy and insecure, it's when they feel they HAVE TO have things work out there way no matter what and are afraid of rejection because they think it spells out there selfworth as an individual and most qualifying to this context they fear loss- they will lose some form of "feel good", I will give you an example-

 

Bill feels unhappy many times in his Life, he feels like he has no escape at times... so he relies on his girl friend Jessica to go with him to the movies 3 times in a row fri, sat, and sun, every other week, AND he will do anything to make that happen, because he NEEDS that, he needs the distraction, he NEEDS an escape. So he will drive his girl friend Jessica bat **** NUTS in order to go with using all these manipulations and passive ways of communicating with her, he will lie, be deceitful, and do whatever he can under his own spell to get her to go to the Movies IF she ever says "she doesn't feel like going". Bill will even become upset when he doesn't get his way, and take it out on her in different ways...all to make sure it doesn't happen again, or that he gets his way this time or the next. But remember, he won't do nothing upfront, direct, or anything like that to try and let her know he really has to make sure he gets himself to the movies with her for a good time/distraction, so he will not do anything to jeopardize that.

 

You might be thinking when you don't get to have sensual time with your boy friend that you will feel crappy, perhaps anxious or irritable, or whatever else it won't give you something you NEED, so you want to make sure he doesn't reject your efforts it bugs you too much. You might not be to be the extreme Bill is, but in certain ways can you see similarities between you and him? he has to have something go his way smoothly OR ELSE HE FEELS BAD, so he CAN'T afford rejection, so he's going to be passive aggressive about it.

 

The solution to that would be learning how to feel good about yourself all on your own for yourself, and it's about establishing yourself as your own individual, entirely. Then you will see relationships as risks and not guarantees, then you won't have to overcompensate to keep others interested in you because you won't have anything to lose, and then you won't fear as much a relationship coming to an end if it has too because you walk out of the relationship the same person or stronger, and you will see the rest of Life the same way too not just with relationships.

Edited May 1, 2011 by SxB

[tetrapod]

If you can think it in your head, try practising saying it out loud - when you are alone in the house.

 

Whatever line feels say-able to you, think it over and over.

Then try mouthing the words, no sound yet.

Then try breathing out as you mouth it.

Then whisper, then slowly increase the volume.

 

It will feel completely weird and stupid, but will get the words out there.

 

It is GREAT that you are going to have a proper talk to your partner about this! Sex is about mutual trust and sharing. Can he tell you out loud what he wants? It makes it easier to share stuff if you are both sharing. One directly asking the other what they want is unlikely to work if they are shy about it. Try making a game where he says something and you have to repeat it back.

"I want to make out" "I want to make out"

all the way up to:

"I want to have sex" "I want to have sex"

"I want you to go down on me" "I want you to go down on me"

then keep going to the extreme and silly. Basically turn it into a game.

As you go, saying the words, you will hopefully find that you can say them again when you do want something, and each start revealing to each other what you like. Just make the rule that no one is allowed to freak out at anything, just accept it.

[HeartShineGirl]

So it's been a long known thing to me that I get embarrassed very easily. Ever since I was a kid if I was embarrassed in public I would get very upset and shut down.

I've learned to deal with the social aspect over time by just learning to laugh at myself.

My issue is being embarrassed over sexual things. I've had this problem, well of course ever since I started having sex. I thought it was just an issue of rarely being able to bring myself to talk dirty during sex, but recently it's been brought to my attention, certain things that I do without really noticing it.

I've been in a relationship for about a year now, and last night I wanted to have sex. My boyfriend, who was already pretty annoyed from work that day, got on my case and told me how annoying it was, that when I wanted to have sex I'd just poke at him, or other childish things, instead of just doing or saying something like "Hey babe lets go have sex."

I can't really figure out why I can't say it. I can think it in my head sure, I can think of plenty in my head that I just cannot physically bring myself to say.

I really need to figure out a way to overcome this or it may put a slight strain on the relationship but mostly a strain myself mentally.

 

Are you overly shy? If you are shy and getting embarrassed easily you could go to a book store and get a book on how to get over being shy or getting embarrassed easily. I am going to guess that there are such books out there. I used to be shy. I was never really one to get embarrassed though, however I do know that whenever I would get embarrassed about anything it all boiled down to my self confidence or self esteem.

 

You're probably scared to say the things you want to say for fear of sounding stupid or else sounding insincere. What you should be trying for is "Playfulness" or "Role playing" to bring yourself out of your skin. For example, if you invent a character role of yourself (this is acting) of a flirty fun side of you that really doesn't exist but you pretend to be that type of person, you can probably do it easier by accepting it as pretend. You could always start with your boyfriend and tell him "Hey, lets pretend to be someone we aren't just for fun." You can then act "sexy and flirty and fun" and laugh at yourself. He will enjoy it. You gotta remember the key to this is not taking it seriously, you gotta know it's very unlike yourself and it's just acting or playing around. Then you wont be so hard on yourself that it might not come our right, just goof off.

 

If you can't do this, if you can't purposely let your guard down then you gotta begin to try. Once you have broken this wall you will explode with creativity and the shy part of you will go away bit by bit. It's all a matter of trust and believing in yourself.

 

No one is going to point a finger at you and laugh at your attempt to have fun, if it's all for fun, right?

 

On the other hand if it's not any fun for you to be that way then maybe that is where the problem lies.... perhaps you're just too sensitive and serious, and thus you should not feel so bad about that. Just be you.