what to do, need advice

[fitguy365]

Ok, i posted on here about two weeks ago, that my fiance broke up with me after 5 years of being together. So,everyone told me to move on and not have any contact. I did, but then, just last night she called me to see how i was doing. Eventually she started crying, and she said she missed me ect.. She didnt say she wanted me back and i didnt ask her to come back.

 

The thing i hate is that i was moving on and doing ok without her. But now that she called me crying, i dont know what to think or do. It is like an old wound that has been torn open agian. I feel like she just left me all over agian.

 

Tomorrow, she is coming over to bring me somthing that is mine. I want to see her, but i am also not sure of what to do or act like.

 

So my question is what should i do? I love her and i would love to be with her. Should i tell her that i want to work it out with her? Or should i ask her how she is doing and what she wants? One thing i do know, is that playing the i dont care about you game does work, she called only after ignored her everytime i saw her.

 

By the way, time isnt on my side, i will be moving 200 miles away from her if she doesnt want to take me back.

[fitguy365]

Please anyone, i need some input on what to do.

[johan]

At least you know she misses you. But that isn’t love. After five years, of course she’s going to miss you.

 

Be strong. You can show her you care about her, but don’t start a conversation about your relationship. You don’t have to. Just be good to her and talk to her about whatever she brings up. If she wants to talk about your relationship then OK, but you have to assume it’s because she’s confused. She might talk about getting back together, but you’re going to need more than words. After what you’ve been through, it won’t feel right just to click right back in. And you can’t trust it.

 

Be honest with her about your feelings, but don’t just drop them on her. Forget about figuring hers out. She’s going to have to do that over time by herself. It will help her to have a good feeling about you when she leaves. Either it will help her remember how great it was with you. Or it will remove the guilt she feels for leaving you and she can go free. The truth is inside her, you can’t know it, and there’s nothing you can do until she shares it with you. You’ll find out either way. Don’t expect anything.

 

Easier for me to say, I know. But I have done it the wrong way a few times.

[fitguy365]

Thanks!

 

What i quess i need to know is her contacting me a sign that she want me back? She was very upset and crying on the phone so it hurt me to hear her in pain. Should i ask her if she want to work things out, or will that just push her away? Also, i was thinking of asking her to have dinner with me, but should i do that?

 

Anymore input would be great!

[fnouri]

Only you can answer that question. Is she worth it? Will you be alright with her being back? What made the two of you break it up? Is the issue over with? Do you have any resentments? Does she?

 

In general, I think it is best to move on, if too many wounds exists. If not, then try it again, and this time don't make the same mistakes.

[much_better_off]

My ex pulled this one on me a little while ago, the "maybe we can get back together" thing... right when I was just feeling normal, not rebounding, not depressed, not crazy or paralyzed, I felt great, like my old self.... and then he hits a rough patch, realizes that I am desirable to other men, that he had a good thing that he was happy to break off when it was his idea.... but now he's a little blue and wants to perk up by thinking about perhaps getting back together....

 

Well, I said I would consider it. I said that we would have to talk face to face and figure out how to prevent whatever happened the last time around from happening again. I said to make a list of things he wanted to discuss, and that I'd do the same. Just a list of concerns, or hopes, or intentions... whatever, just something that would give us an idea of how to go forward with a romantic relationship if we chose to. Well, after about a month of letting him think about it, to make sure that it wasn't just some off the cuff remark he made because he was down, we got together to discuss the lists that we made up, compare notes and see if we are looking for the same things, what we're willing to concede, what we have to have, what the relationship would be if we got back together.

 

Well, I had a list of things to talk about (which is funny, because he dumped me, so obviously it was he who thought there were things we needed to work on or give up) and he had "well, I just thought that we could try to get back together in summer." Arggg, he put no time into it, no real feeling, he just felt like getting back together, so he said it, without any regard of what it would mean to me. Anyhow. After we broke up we managed to be friends, now that he pulled that "let's get back together" for no good reason bit, I don't even talk to him. I haven't for 3 weeks now and as friends we spoke to each other almost every day.

 

I just think that before anybody gets too excited about getting back together with their ex, you need to decide if it's just a desire, or if they have a plan of action, and a good handle on how to keep it going the way it had before. I would ask her if she has a clear idea of what was happening that made her want to break it off in the first place? Has she just gotten lonely now and wants the comfort of someone familiar? Or is she interested in tackling the real problems that existed in the relationship. I think it's ok to tell her that you would consider a reconciliation if you truly will, but impart to her how important it is that you ease into it, and address the hang ups that the both of you may have had before. If they are things that you're not willing to concede, the relationship is doomed to repeat its unfortunate end again. Don't do that to yourself, make a road map together that you can both agree on. If she's not willing to put some time and effort into that, then she's probably just looking for the security and familiarity of you, not YOU.

 

I think that perhaps on the dumped and dumpee side of things, we go through a mourning process over a relationship that is very similar, just on different timelines. I think that perhaps she's at a point right now similar to the one that you were at shortly after you broke up. Can you remember that point? Were you in a place that you were capable of making rational, caring, considerate decisions about what was best for both of you? Or were you just sad and desperate to get back together? The latter is more like where I was. Maybe I'm full of it, but that's my two cents.

 

Good luck. With fond thoughts and wishes,

~N

[fool4love]

Does this actually happen? Your ex wanting you back? In your own situations, why did you break up? Were the two of you in contact all the while you were broken up? How long did it take b4 he came back? It sounds like a fairytale to me now (I've recently broke up w/ my b/f) I know it would be hard to give a second chance to someone who dumped you, but I want that chance, atleast the chance, and I think most of us @ this site would. I'm just looking for possible similarities between relationships, to better understand whether my b/f will change his mind or not.

[johan]

Her contacting you isn't a sign that she wants you back. As far as you know it's not a sign of anything, no matter what she says. You need to assume she's confused. For your own benefit. Confused means unsure. So you're going to have to keep her confusion from hurting you more. If you take her right back because she comes crying to your door, how do you know she'll be there the next day? She could easily just be in search of comfort.

 

As far as dinner goes, if you think you're going to have a long night of tears and heart-rending discussion, I'd choose space. It would be better if you let her bring up dinner.

 

Don't ask her if she wants you back. If you dumped someone because you were confused and then decided you wanted them back, what would you do? You'd tell them and you'd work hard for them. So when she tells you and then she starts working for it, then you'll know. And if she blurts it out tomorrow, remember it doesn't mean anything if she doesn't back it up with action. I wouldn't say that to her. I'd just keep it in mind. You'd better be cautious because you're thinking of putting your heart back in her hands, and I wouldn't trust her right now.

 

Be strong.

 

The fact is all this damaged your relationship. You have to rebuild it. Don't jump back in.

[fitguy365]

ahhhhhhhh, i dont get her! She just called to let me know that she has to go and get some concert tickets for her and a bunch of friends. I am all crushed again since she called and now she acts like everything is all fine with her. It is like she missed me for an hour and now she is fine. I feel like telling her off!! When she comes over i am laying down the law on how i feel, she isnt going to do this to me! I wish she would have never called me agian. WTF is wrong with her, is she messed up or what?

 

Anyway i will post after she comes over.

 

Thanks for the help and opinions.

[Medgirl]

I just feel sick. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because I wasn't happy and I was afraid of getting hurt. Well now I realize how much he loves me and how much he misses me. I want him back, and it sounds like he misses me a lot. I miss him like crazy. I dont' know if I made a mistake or I'm just having the postbreakup blues. it really sucks

[much_better_off]

fool4love---

 

my ex suffered from depression, too, (I saw another one of your posts.) I'd love to chat, I have to run right now, but I'll respond ASAP.

 

Best of luck, smile! We're here for you.

 

~Noel

[sickoflove]

She got in contact with you because she was lonely. Don't fall for it please! I just went through the same thing. My ex-fiance and I were togeter for a long time and split. After he tells me that I should move on...he's the one who called after so long. It does nothing but screw with your mind I know. Chances are if it didn't work out the first time for whatever reason...its not going to work this time either. Tell her not to call...if you have to go the extreme as to change your number!!! She is hurting you for her own selfish reasons.