Best Friend's Ex BF (who is also my friend) wants to hang out.

[theseeker]

One of my best friends in the whole world just broke up with her long term boyfriend of 7 years. I was very good friends with her and her boyfriend all throughout college, we were practically a family.

 

I randomly ran into him a couple of days ago at a coffee shop, we talked and caught up a bit without mentioning her, and it was really nice! I told my best friend about it and she got REALLY upset and ended up spending the rest of the night getting completely plastered. I didn't mean to upset her, but I did so simply by mentioning him.

 

He texted me a few hours ago asking if I would like to hang out sometime. He said that it was really nice to see me at the coffee shop the other day, and not to worry because he didn't mean anything by it - that it would be strictly platonic if I wanted. I was like ??? what does he mean platonic if I wanted??? I texted back and politely said that was booked for the weekend, but maybe some other time!

 

I was going to leave it there, but the whole situation left me with a bad taste in my mouth. He is a really good friend of mine and I felt bad blowing him off like I would any guy off the street. So a couple of hours later I texted him again and said:

 

Actually, to tell you the truth, even platonic might be a little weird. Nothing personal or against you. Please understand and don't hate my guts. I still consider you my friend, which is why it sucks and I'm being honest rather than polite.

 

He responded saying:

No I know what you mean. I have thought about that as well. Thank you for your honesty I really appreciate it. I still consider you my friend and maybe in sometime in the future we will run into each other. It was really great to see you.

 

I did the right thing, right? I'm not going to tell my best friend that her ex texted me at all, it would destroy her and I think she would probably stop talking to me simply because of that.

 

I ask if I did the right thing because a couple of years ago a similar situation went down with a different really great girlfriend of mine from high school. Instead, I was stupid and asked this girlfriend of mine if it was ok to have coffee and catch up with her ex, who was also a mutual friend of mine. She said yes and acted like I was dumb for even asking. So I went, had coffee with the guy, talked his ear off for 15 minutes and then left. End of story. She ended up getting really really upset about it, I guess she let her imagination and insecurities get the best of her. She told all our mutual friends from high school that I was a slut and that I slept with her ex - and now half of my former high school friends hate my guts and think I'm a whore. She still hasn't talked to me to this day. Even though she knows that it isn't true, it is like she has told the lie so many times that she believes it herself. All because of an innocent cup of coffee. NOT. WORTH. IT. AT. ALL!

 

I just can't let that happen with this current situation. Both my best friend AND her ex are people whose friendships I don't think I could do without.

 

I hate this crap.

Edited April 30, 2011 by theseeker

[writergal]

Ok, it seems like you're caught in a rock and a hard place here, based on your actions. And you have two choices:

 

1) Lie to your friend about the text exchanges with her ex, which she will find out about through other people (it always happens like that) and never trust you again, possibly ending her friendship with you

 

Or

 

2) Respect your best friend enough to tell her the truth about texting her ex, so that you can deal with the consequences and keep your friend's trust (she'll be angry at first, but respect you for telling her the truth after she calms down).

 

If you continue texting her ex boyfriend you're playing with fire because he's probably in relationship rebound and might misread your friendship as an invitation to get involved. I have no idea but that's just one possible scenario.

 

As for your high school friend's reaction to the same situation, she's different than your best friend and you're older now so you have no idea if your best friend would react the same way. The only way out is by telling the truth and you can't worry about what others will think. You haven't done anything wrong in having coffee with her ex, but if you lie about the texts with him and she finds out, then she'll be raving mad at you and you'll repeat history again.

Edited April 30, 2011 by writergal

[theseeker]

I guess that means I should tell my best friend about the texts as soon as possible. UGGH, whyyyy?! Whats worse is that another really close friend of hers has stopped talking to her, and she is already suspicious that this other girl and her ex have been hanging out and maybe even sleeping with each other. Me telling her that her ex texted me will probably confirm her suspicion about the other friend. And she may or may not take it out on me. Damn. Worst situation ever.

[D-Lish]

I wouldn't tell her ANYTHING about the texting- she's obviously deeply hurt and what she needs right now is for her friends to rally around her and be her support system. Telling her that her ex is texting you would only make things way, way worse for her.

 

If she's your best friend- then you need to be on her side, and nowhere near his.

 

I'd be deeply, deeply hurt if my best friend decided to have coffee with my ex. She's your best friend, he's not. I'd think that reality would be common sense.

Edited April 30, 2011 by D-Lish

[whichwayisup]

Do not hang out with him..At all!

 

Your loyality is with your bestfriend not him. You seem abit too concerned about hurting HIS feelings. Listen, he's a GUY and you were his girlfriends bestfriend and I doubt very much you hurt his feelings or upset him in any way. He's an idiot for even trying to keep intouch with you, and that line about platonic friends is BUNK. Why wouldn't you two be? Why did it have to be mentioned? That's just weird.

 

Anyway, he may have been a friend when your BF was with him but now she isn't and again, your loyality should lay with her..That means not having him in your life.

 

Unless you kind of like this guy????? You seem affected by him.

[D-Lish]

Do not hang out with him..At all!

 

Your loyality is with your bestfriend not him. You seem abit too concerned about hurting HIS feelings. Listen, he's a GUY and you were his girlfriends bestfriend and I doubt very much you hurt his feelings or upset him in any way. He's an idiot for even trying to keep intouch with you, and that line about platonic friends is BUNK. Why wouldn't you two be? Why did it have to be mentioned? That's just weird.

 

Anyway, he may have been a friend when your BF was with him but now she isn't and again, your loyality should lay with her..That means not having him in your life.

 

Unless you kind of like this guy????? You seem affected by him.

 

Agreed WWIU,

 

I couldn't even fathom thinking that it would be okay to grab a coffee with a friends ex, even if he was a part of my life for 7 years. My priority would always lie with my best gf.

 

I just can't understand how someone could be so insensitive and unaffected by their best friends grief to even think it an option to have coffee with her ex.

 

OP, you seem so unaffected by her agony- to the point where you actually feel like not being able to hang out with both of them as it suits you is "dealing with crap". What do you think she's going through right now after 7 years and such a huge loss? Seriously, you need to get a grip and realize that being a true friend means being on their side.

 

You said you've done this before with a previous gf and met her ex- and you lost that gf. Are you really this clueless about what friendship means?

[betterdeal]

When two friends split up, you end up hanging out with the one you like most. That's just how it goes. Maybe tell your friend that you're sorry you upset her by telling her about meeting him, but that you are her friend and you're a bit pissed at him for trying to see you behind her back. That may well reinforce the friendship you have with her by giving her confidence in your friendship at a time when she's quite vulnerable.

 

As for him, I'd ignore his request to hang out again. Too complicated.

[whichwayisup]

Both my best friend AND her ex are people whose friendships I don't think I could do without.

 

You may have to choose. Bestfriend or exboyfriend of your bestfriend.

 

I need to ask..Do you have feelings for the ex boyfriend? Why do you "need" him, why do you think you can't do without him in your life? What does he bring into your life that's so important?

[theseeker]

Nope. Definitely no feelings for her ex. Just friendship, which I know can't really exist without my best friend there. Because guys and gals just can't be friends.

 

He doesn't bring anything really, I guess I just feel sorry for him. But I don't feel THAT sorry.

[theseeker]

Yep, that is exactly what I did!

[freestyle]

Like some of the other posters have said---this is a situation where you can NOT sit on the fence.

 

You have to choose a side----unless you wan to risk alienating a close girlfriend---possibly permanently.

 

Try to step into her shoes for a moment---she probably feels like everything's crashing down on her right now.She lost her boyfriend, and another one of friends is blowing her off---she's feeling very vulnerable right now. Don't compound her pain.

[theseeker]

Agreed WWIU,

 

I couldn't even fathom thinking that it would be okay to grab a coffee with a friends ex, even if he was a part of my life for 7 years. My priority would always lie with my best gf.

 

I just can't understand how someone could be so insensitive and unaffected by their best friends grief to even think it an option to have coffee with her ex.

 

OP, you seem so unaffected by her agony- to the point where you actually feel like not being able to hang out with both of them as it suits you is "dealing with crap". What do you think she's going through right now after 7 years and such a huge loss? Seriously, you need to get a grip and realize that being a true friend means being on their side.

 

You said you've done this before with a previous gf and met her ex- and you lost that gf. Are you really this clueless about what friendship means?

 

Yeah, I really think you misread. Yes, you're right, I have no idea what she is going through. I have never been in a serious relationship like that.

Where I think you got confused is with the whole coffee thing. I have never wanted to go have coffee with her ex. We randomly ran into each other at a coffee shop about a week ago and talked for a couple of minutes. But, it was a complete coincidence and not planned at all.

Then he texted me yesterday (and I didn't have his number in my phone so I was like WHOTF is this?!) asking if I wanted to grab pizza and hang out or whatever. I said that it would be too weird, and no.

 

The question isn't if I am going to have coffee with her ex. THAT IS A DEFINITE A NO! I don't WANT to have coffee with her ex. The question is if I should tell her about her ex texting me or not.

I did end up telling her about it, and I'm glad I did. She was really upset and everything, but I'm glad I told her. She needed to know the truth.

 

I think you confused this story with my similar high school situation. I should have probably designated letters (like Ms. A, Mr. B) for these people.

 

And you need to check yourself, I am a super amazing friend. I make mistakes, sure, but I'm definitely one of those true blue types. This girl and I have been friends for almost 10 years or so. No guy, no matter how long they were around, will come between us. I guess I just pitied her ex there for a second. But now I'm just disgusted by him.

Edited April 30, 2011 by theseeker

[theseeker]

Do not hang out with him..At all!

 

Your loyality is with your bestfriend not him. You seem abit too concerned about hurting HIS feelings. Listen, he's a GUY and you were his girlfriends bestfriend and I doubt very much you hurt his feelings or upset him in any way. He's an idiot for even trying to keep intouch with you, and that line about platonic friends is BUNK. Why wouldn't you two be? Why did it have to be mentioned? That's just weird.

 

Anyway, he may have been a friend when your BF was with him but now she isn't and again, your loyality should lay with her..That means not having him in your life.

 

Unless you kind of like this guy????? You seem affected by him.

 

Yeah, when I posted this originally I was feeling sorry for the guy. But you're right, he is a piece of sh*t just like the rest of them. And yes, that platonic line made me feel sick. There would never be any other option besides it being platonic. I don't like him, only as a friend. And now that this has happened, I doubt friendship is even in the picture

 

I agree, he is an idiot. I'm sure he knew I was going to tell her that he texted me. WHICH I DID DO! A couple of hours after I posted this original thread, I ended up breaking the news to her. And after her initial shock and anger subsided, she leveled with me and told me that she thinks he is trying to get back at her for breaking up with him by sleeping with all of her close girlfriends. I know, it is timultuous. And I was right, this confirmed all her suspicions about her other friend (the one who stopped talking to her, lets call her Miss S). But after she told me about all her suspicions, I really really do think she is right. At least 99.9% sure. Everything says that Miss S and her ex have probably been at it like rabbits.

I hate both of them for it, Miss S and my friend's ex. They are sick and twisted people, and I don't know how they live with themselves.

Of course, it is all based on assumptions. But, the only thing that is keeping her back from trying to kill Miss S is red handed proof.

[theseeker]

So, I told my best friend that her ex texted me the whole "we should hang out sometime, platonic if you want" bit a couple of hours after I posted my original thread post.

 

I told her, and even let her read all the text messages from my phone.

I am very glad I was up front with her, and just came out with the truth before any time had passed. Thanks to those who advised to do so, it was definitely the right choice.

 

She was very very angry about it, but she wasn't angry at me. She thanked me for telling her, and said that if I hadn't then she would have kicked my ass. And I really don't doubt that she would have. She was livid at her OTHER good friend (the one who stopped talking to her - I have already named her Miss S. in a rely, so we'll just keep the name). Miss S and my best friend are really close as well. But it isn't like this is a tri-friendship or anything. I don't know Miss S very well and she doesn't know me. We have never, and would never, hang out with each other without my best friend there.

 

Anyway, so Miss S got a divorce from her husband around the same time my best friend and her ex broke up. Naturally, both going through similar heartbreaks, Miss S and my friend started hanging out together a lot more. Then, Miss S starts acting strange. My friend and I were very surprised when we pulled up to my friend's apartment and see Miss S helping my friend's ex move out. Miss S was all "you aren't weirded out by me helping your ex move out, right? He just doesn't have anyone to help him." My friend was like "....its a little weird." But it seemed honest enough. Neither of us even mentioned it to each other after the fact, I guess because Miss S was so open about it from the get go, it didn't seem suspicious - it seemed like Miss S was just honestly helping the ex move out.

 

Yeah, it wasn't honest. With me telling my friend that her ex texted me wanting to hang out, all of a sudden all of the puzzle pieces fell into place in her head. She told me everything (much of which I had not known, since it concerned Miss S) and from what she tells me - I agree with my friend that her ex and Miss S are sleeping with each other. And have been this whole month my friend and her ex have been broken up. Miss S has no soul, and my friend's ex is a guy who is obviously weak and desperate right now.

 

It all makes me sick, I don't know how these people (Miss S and my friend's ex) live with themselves. They are twisted in the head. Knowing what I know now, all of which my friend told me after I told her about the texts, I am SO glad I chose to just come clean and tell her RIGHT when I saw her that very same day. She needed the complete truth. The truth hurts, but at least it is real.

 

And just to make matters clear for this thread: NO I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE COFFEE, OR MEET, OR EVEN TALK TO MY FRIEND'S EX!!! That never entered my head as an option. Yes, as many of you have said, he WAS a friend of mine. He is no longer my friend - and now that my best friend has told me all the details about him - good riddance to that bastard. I know now why she broke up with him in the first place. And I am sure as hell not going to text him ever again.

If I ever run into Miss S I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably whisper and tell her that she better look out for her life and that she better move out of town and change her name or some scary **** like that. HAHA!

 

As for my dear dear best friend, I honestly think she will be alright.

Me telling her that her ex texted me, and then us spending all night talking about all the suspicions and assumptions and all that, it really gave her a new perspective on the whole situation.

Before she was still texting her ex with all the "I'm sorries!" and "I miss yous!" because she felt so guilty for breaking up with him. She still loves him, they were just going in different directions and it was getting too difficult. He has never once replied to any of her calls or texts or anythings. He is a cold blooded bastard - 7 years may I remind you, 7. So, she was still wondering if she had made the right choice, and hoping that maybe he will finally respond to a text or answer one of her calls - or maybe that he might randomly come to his senses and show up begging for her to take him back.

SHE DEFINITELY DOESN'T FEEL THAT WAY ANYMORE!

Me telling her about the text messages put a whole new light on things and completely changed her attitude. She definitely does not feel guilty about it anymore, and I think this pushed her to stop hoping that maybe things might work out and that it might go back to the way it once was and, instead, to accept the breakup. That it is DONE, END, FINAL, HE IS SLEEPING WITH YOUR FRIEND (Miss S) FINAL!

 

As for me, well, all I can do is be there for my friend. Like most of you said, I don't know what she is going through. I can't imagine it, really. But I'm more than happy to be her shoulder to cry on. What else are friends for, right?

[whichwayisup]

Both my best friend AND her ex are people whose friendships I don't think I could do without.

 

I guess I'm still stuck on this. You changed your tune once you talked to your bestfriend. Before this, it just seems (unless you worded it wrong?) you said you couldn't do without him and the friendship. Does your BF know you feel this way about her ex?

[John Michael Kane]

You need to let your friend and your BF go. If you really feel this way then you honestly need to stay away from them.

[D-Lish]

I'm glad you got to the point where you made the right decision. Initially you made it sound like you didn't think you should have to choose, even though you deemed her your best friend in the world.

 

In a case like this you do need to choose. You need to throw your support behind the person that matters the most and make them your focus.

 

I still think 100% transparent was the wrong way to handle this- it was like twisting the knife IMO, and probably unnecessary for her to know that he was hitting on you.

[theseeker]

I guess I'm still stuck on this. You changed your tune once you talked to your bestfriend. Before this, it just seems (unless you worded it wrong?) you said you couldn't do without him and the friendship. Does your BF know you feel this way about her ex?

 

I mean, me and my friend's ex were friends. But I was her friend long before he ever came around. I guess I am just sentimental, and hate loosing friendships. But such is life.

 

I most certainly can do without him and his friendship, and I don't plan to ever communicate with him again unless matters change (which seems unlikely).

 

Does that clear things up?

I think what I should of said is that I can't do without her and her friendship, that is for sure. She is one of the only friends that I feel I can genuinely trust to be there for me if and when I need it. Those types are hard to come by, and I hope she feels the same way about me.

 

As far as his friendship is concerned, yeah he was a cool guy and he was around for quite a long time. So, like I said I get sentimental when close knit groups break apart. But, in all seriousness, I didn't know who he was when he texted me because I didn't even have his number stored in my phone. That'll give you a little clue as to how important his friendship is.

 

I also wrote the original post in a rush and maybe wasn't as detailed and as specific as I should have been. I am sentimental and, at the time, I still felt sorry for the guy. Not anymore, though. My friend told me a lot of stuff I was totally unaware of when I posted. He doesn't deserve my pity at all, nor my friendship.

[theseeker]

I'm glad you got to the point where you made the right decision. Initially you made it sound like you didn't think you should have to choose, even though you deemed her your best friend in the world.

 

In a case like this you do need to choose. You need to throw your support behind the person that matters the most and make them your focus.

 

I still think 100% transparent was the wrong way to handle this- it was like twisting the knife IMO, and probably unnecessary for her to know that he was hitting on you.

 

Sorry if I wasn't clear on which friendship I prized more, I feel a lot of people got confused with that part. But there isn't any doubt that I am HER friend first, and I just so happened to get along with her boyfriend as well during the time they were together.

 

You may be right about the 100% transparent thing, which is why I was hesitant. I didn't want to upset her, she is so upset already. But, if I had kept any of it to myself, instead of being completely upfront from the get-go, then later when she would find out (which she would have some way or another) I would look like the dishonest one. "I didn't want to hurt your feelings" doesn't seem like a legit excuse. I'm also not very fond of being shady or secretive at all. I was worried that she may be glad for my honesty initially, but since her boyfriend AND her other best friend are obviously fooling around behind her back, I was afraid that she would feel she wasn't able to trust anyone - including me.

This may end up happening, I can't even put myself in her position in order to make a guess. But, if she does end up not being able to trust anyone, I'll understand and still be there for her when she needs me. I wouldn't have to worry about my honesty, and I feel better not needing to. If she did stop trusting everyone, I think it would only be for a period of time. The fact that I have nothing to hide, and will remain that way, would hopefully be enough to regain her trust.

 

But none of that has happened, and I really hope that it doesn't. I don't want her to have to go through the ordeal of being completely paranoid and having no one to turn to during a time when her world is crashing down.