Am I being unbelievably naive?

[puzzlepiece]

Hello - I am married with children and have been involved in an affair for a couple of years. I love the OM but have tried to end the affair because I have felt that I want to work on my marriage and keep my children's family intact.

 

The problem is I still have feelings for this man. He is very in love with me and wants me to end my marriage, so that we can be together. He said he is committed to me and my children for life. Everything he says to me sounds perfect - I am the love of his life, he wants to be with me until we are old, he wants to share everything and experience life with me. The problem is, I have a hard time actually trusting what he says. We have both been in other relationships (him with a girlfriend), and for a long time, he was variably close with me and distant from me, maybe because I'm married, but as a result, he has occasionally been rude to me. He claims this was due to "our situation", and in the past few months, he has been much more committed to me, even taking a break from his girlfriend.

 

There are other things that make me not trust him, like he was physically involved with both me and his girlfriend, whereas I basically stopped physical contact with my husband when I fell in love with the OM. He has also sent a couple of unusual texts to ex-girlfriends that are not overtly bad but seem somewhat flirtacious.

 

I do believe he loves me very much now, especially because he wants to be with me despite all the challenges given that I have children. I do wonder about whether this feeling would be there long-term. He tries to alleviate my concerns and says all the right things, but these worries persist. He has made great efforts over the past few months to show me his love and commitment, but I can't help but wonder whether relationships that begin this way are stable 5 years down the line. I also sometimes do not know whether the OM's attitude toward me might change down the road, when he "has" me. He says that would never happen.

 

I do not want to make my kids children of divorce for a relationship that might not last. I guess I cannot know this, but I would like to believe what the OM is saying to me.

 

Am I being naive to think our relationship could work? Has anyone been through anything similar and share insight on whether going forward with the OM is wise or not?

[whichwayisup]

Do not bust your family for this man and allow him to play daddy to your children. Fix your marriage and do what you can (counselling to help you) to get over this OM with a girlfriend. How the HECK can he commit to you, tell you he loves your kids and wants to be there for them when he doesn't know them. You two have had an affair, all fantasy and fun loving, good times during the affair dynamic, not real life having to deal with the crap stuff, moods, life, inlaws, problems, etc.. Ofcourse right now he is ideal to you and you to him because it's all good and happy. Isn't that what an affair is? Having fun, sharing, getting along, not wanting to piss the other person off, settling for table scraps.. Both of you are far from perfect.

 

Question is, should you divorce your husband and allow him to find a woman who will love only him and not cheat/lie/betray him? It doesn't sound like you want to divorce your H UNLESS OM will be there for you and things will work out.

 

IF YOU CHOOSE to divorce, let it be because you'd rather be alone than stay married to your H, reguardless if the OM is in the picture or not.

 

If you want to keep your family intact and under one roof, then stop being selfish and make a decision, stick to it. Tell your H the truth so HE can decide if he wants to stay married to you, and give you a chance to prove your love and trust again.

[jwi71]

Hello - I am married with children and have been involved in an affair for a couple of years. I love the OM but have tried to end the affair because I have felt that I want to work on my marriage and keep my children's family intact.

 

How on Earth can you "work on your M" while having an A?

It's simply not possible.

 

Sad truth is...you have to pick ONE man and BE with that ONE man.

 

So...whose it gonna be...your H or the OM?

 

If you want a future with the OM, file for D and go for it.

If you want to TRULY "work on your M", then do so - and that means MC, IC and, yes, confession.

 

The problem is I still have feelings for this man. He is very in love with me and wants me to end my marriage, so that we can be together. He said he is committed to me and my children for life. Everything he says to me sounds perfect - I am the love of his life, he wants to be with me until we are old, he wants to share everything and experience life with me. The problem is, I have a hard time actually trusting what he says. We have both been in other relationships (him with a girlfriend), and for a long time, he was variably close with me and distant from me, maybe because I'm married, but as a result, he has occasionally been rude to me. He claims this was due to "our situation", and in the past few months, he has been much more committed to me, even taking a break from his girlfriend.

 

I can imagine that you have problems trusting him, since he is lying to his GF to have an A with you. Of course, this cuts both ways, YOU are willing to lie, betray and risk your H, the kids and the "life" you have built. I bet HE has problems trusting YOU.

 

Trust will be an issue for you no matter which path you take.

 

There are other things that make me not trust him, like he was physically involved with both me and his girlfriend, whereas I basically stopped physical contact with my husband when I fell in love with the OM. He has also sent a couple of unusual texts to ex-girlfriends that are not overtly bad but seem somewhat flirtacious.

 

Like the above, its a two way street.

What can he do to earn your trust and what can you do to build up trust with him?

 

I do believe he loves me very much now, especially because he wants to be with me despite all the challenges given that I have children. I do wonder about whether this feeling would be there long-term. He tries to alleviate my concerns and says all the right things, but these worries persist. He has made great efforts over the past few months to show me his love and commitment, but I can't help but wonder whether relationships that begin this way are stable 5 years down the line. I also sometimes do not know whether the OM's attitude toward me might change down the road, when he "has" me. He says that would never happen.

 

Well no R is immune from an A - witness your own M. So starting as an A doesn't necessarily mean anything (unless your H was your prior AP). No one can predict the future. You CAN influence it by taking ACTIONS that build trust, openness, honesty, integrity and loyalty.

 

I would pick a man and do exactly that - be open, honest, loyal and act with integrity. Its all YOU can do.

 

I do not want to make my kids children of divorce for a relationship that might not last. I guess I cannot know this, but I would like to believe what the OM is saying to me.

 

Not a good thought process. Stop blaming "the kids" for your own cowardice. Pick a man and take ACTIONS to be with him. Your kids, largely depending on the actions and attitudes of the parents during a D, WILL adjust. Virtually ALL recent academic research on kids in non-nuclear families say: kids don't need married parents, they need INVOLVED ones.

 

Kids will be fine. Question is, will you?

 

What are you going to do? Spend your days wallowing in a M you are unwilling to fix or properly leave? Why subject yourself to your own personal hell everyday? Thats just plain stupid. ACT.

 

Pick a man and your ACTIONS will be clear.

 

Sounds like you have picked the OM. The ACTIONS are just as easy. Hire a lawyer and file for D. Your H will be served papers withing days. See...that was easy. Put your kids in therapy so they can adjust to their new world. Move out...get your own place and start dating the OM as a public, legitimate couple. Let the kids therapist guide you as to when you can introduce the OM as BF and step-father to be.

 

Not naive. Just scared to act.

 

What would you do if you were not scared?

[BB07]

The OP wants a sure thing......so she cake eats, no different that a MM who cake eats. She keeps her husband in the dark and she tries to keep her OM accepting what little she offers and it goes on and on, until someone walks away or the hubby finds out and then she has to woman up and find her lady balls.

 

 

Either go 100% with one or the other.....stop dragging everyone else through the mud with you. You really should be quick about making up your mind as a d day could happen any day. Your OM could blow your world up himself since it sounds like he is getting tired of being dicked around or you simply get caught because your hubby is suspicious. Sad thing is.......one way or the other your kids are going to suffer. Are you ready for that?

[Gentlegirl]

hello,

 

I think if you re-read all you own doubts and fears, you will have the answers to your own question.

 

good Luck,

 

Gentle.

[YellowShark]

IMHO if he'll cheat *with* you... he'll eventually cheat *on* you. And the reverse is the same. Both of you have proven your ability for betrayal and infidelity, therefore how can either of you trust each other not to cheat later on? You can't. That's why I could never hook up with and affair partner.. I could never fully trust them.. ever. I would always be wary that the other shoe could drop at any time. Just like I would be wary that an alcoholic or drug addict could fall off the wagon at any time.

 

But that's just me.

[Woman In Blue]

Why does your entire existence have to rely on ANY man?

 

It's quite clear you want nothing to do with your husband (other than having him around to support you) so why are you with him?

 

Become financially independent and get your OWN place. Stop looking at one or the other these men to provide a life for you.

[Breezy Trousers]

Listen to your feelings. Affairs are not reality-based and are certainly not based on emotionally intelligent choices (honesty, trust, delayed gratification, respect for boundaries). The issues you're each avoiding in your current relationships will be brought into this one. Once the addictive "fun" of the affair turns the reality of committed reality-based love, the challenges will begin. You will also be dealing with the wreckage left behind. Your AP will be dealing with children from another marriage. Clearly, this new relationship will be far more challenging than the current one you're running away from. Problem is, you won't necessarily trust each other to work through those challenges.

 

So you're on shaky ground, and your feelings are trying to warn you of that.

 

There are definitely affairs which successfully turn into marriages, but it's not the norm. Judging from the threads here, even if you leave your partners and move in together, the odds still aren't in your favor. Often one partner will leave and return to his/her original relationship within a few months.

 

If you're still in contact with AP while "working on" your marriage, then you're demonstrating you're all talk and no action -- which is what affair partners are famous for.

 

You're in a difficult situation. Good luck.

[East7]

I agree with BB07

 

The OP is a cake eater. She dares having so much expectations and doubts for her OM, while SHE is far from being perfect !

 

Puzzle, IMO you don't know what do you want. "A couple of years A" is a looong time..I can't even imagine how could you keep it alive and neither of you got fed up..

 

I think you have been comfortable with the situation and now that you try to make a choice you want to jump from a R to another without taking any risk. Well, I have some bad news from you : each Relationship is a risk. You will never have lifetime warranty when you commit with someone.

 

Instead of living in limbo, pick one guy and stick with it !

[TurboGirl]

Sounds like your OM is pretty unreliable. He runs hot & cold. Yes, know you WANT to believe him, but... he's telling you all this BS while he has a girlfriend. Plus he isn't always nice to you. Oh, good. If you are the tiniest bit unsure about the OM's commitment level, trust your gut. Sounds like you know the answer.

 

Please spare your kids the drama & upset of a D at this point. My suggestion would be to break up with the OM, start focusing on how to reconnect with your H. You loved your H at one point enough to say I Do, so there has to be something there. It's your call whether or not you want to confess to hubby and deal with the fallout from that. I don't believe that you should. You will see there are many that believe you should spill your guts to your H and deal with HIS pain on top of all of it, but I am not one to go confessing just to get it off your chest. You deal with your own pain and start working on being a better W and Mom to your kids.

 

Interestingly enough, I was advised by a therapist that that confessing to your H just to get it off your chest & be honest was a bad idea, and advised to recommit to the marriage. That is difficult enough without have to deal with trust issues from your H.

 

Seriously you have to go NC with the OM. Sever all ties, no playing around with that.

[Breezy Trousers]

Interestingly enough, I was advised by a therapist that that confessing to your H just to get it off your chest & be honest was a bad idea, and advised to recommit to the marriage. That is difficult enough without have to deal with trust issues from your H.

 

Seriously you have to go NC with the OM. Sever all ties, no playing around with that.

 

Agreed. I told my husband about my attraction to MM, because I hated keeping it a secret from him. I naively thought my bringing it out in the open would magically end my attraction to MM. It didn't. It just hurt my husband. He began doing things he never did before -- calling a friend to see if I was really meeting with her, etc.. I feel bad about creating insecurity in him like that. Telling him served no good purpose in the end.

 

Besides, my actions toward my husband today mean more than rehashing stupid mistakes from my past.

 

No contact is the only way to go here. There's a program called Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. You might consider going there for support if there's a meeting in your area. You can get a sponsor who will meet you one-on-one while getting support through no contact. Just a thought.

[Emme]

I'm so conflicted. It's not for us to decide you have to make this decision on your own. I want you to take the OM out of the equation. Being unhappy in a "happy" marriage is toxic. I want you to answer these questions for yourself. Are you happy in your marriage? Are you unhappy in your marriage because of this affair? As far as divorce not every broken home is a bad thing. Sometimes you become a better parent because of a divorce. The child will hurt but eventually learn to cope with the situation. I wish you the best on whatever you decide.

[fooled once]

Hello - I am married with children and have been involved in an affair for a couple of years. I love the OM but have tried to end the affair because I have felt that I want to work on my marriage and keep my children's family intact.

 

The problem is I still have feelings for this man. He is very in love with me and wants me to end my marriage, so that we can be together. He said he is committed to me and my children for life. Everything he says to me sounds perfect - I am the love of his life, he wants to be with me until we are old, he wants to share everything and experience life with me. The problem is, I have a hard time actually trusting what he says. We have both been in other relationships (him with a girlfriend), and for a long time, he was variably close with me and distant from me, maybe because I'm married, but as a result, he has occasionally been rude to me. He claims this was due to "our situation", and in the past few months, he has been much more committed to me, even taking a break from his girlfriend.

 

There are other things that make me not trust him, like he was physically involved with both me and his girlfriend, whereas I basically stopped physical contact with my husband when I fell in love with the OM. He has also sent a couple of unusual texts to ex-girlfriends that are not overtly bad but seem somewhat flirtacious.

 

I do believe he loves me very much now, especially because he wants to be with me despite all the challenges given that I have children. I do wonder about whether this feeling would be there long-term. He tries to alleviate my concerns and says all the right things, but these worries persist. He has made great efforts over the past few months to show me his love and commitment, but I can't help but wonder whether relationships that begin this way are stable 5 years down the line. I also sometimes do not know whether the OM's attitude toward me might change down the road, when he "has" me. He says that would never happen.

 

I do not want to make my kids children of divorce for a relationship that might not last. I guess I cannot know this, but I would like to believe what the OM is saying to me.

 

Am I being naive to think our relationship could work? Has anyone been through anything similar and share insight on whether going forward with the OM is wise or not?

 

How do you love someone and not trust them? I guess for me, without trust, there is no love. I do not believe he loves you nor you love him -- because if you two truly did love each other; you would be willing to risk it all and be together. You two are in an affair. He is showing you that you are not that important to him - sleeping with his girlfriend (how do you claim to LOVE someone yet make love with someone else??) and flirting. He loves that you want him, that you are jealous, that you stroke his ego.

 

As for your kids; you do know that he does not ever have to love them or that he isn't required to play daddy to them, should you ever leave your H. Your H is their father - and as long as he stays active in their lives, he will always be their dad. The OM will be a step parent; but that doesn't mean he has to love them, like them or want to be with them. Just means he married someone who has kids. And just because you love the parent doesn't mean you would love the kids.

 

Not sure how old your kids are; but you can't expect them to love him or consider him daddy, especially if their dad is active in their lives. How will you handle it when they find out you were cheating on dad with the OM? What will you do if your kids despise him because of this? Won't make home life very fun, that's for sure.

 

I think you should set your H free so he can find someone who is loyal, trustworthy, honest and honorable. He deserves so much better than someone who does what you have done to him. Set him free. Stop deciding his life for him. I guarantee that you wouldn't like someone deciding your life for you. If you want to sit around and continue to wait for the OM, that's on you. It isn't fair or honorable to do this to your H. He didn't make you cheat - you chose that. So be honest with him.

 

Good luck.

[puzzlepiece]

I really, really appreciate everyone's comments here. I feel very lost in a fog, and I needed some objective opinion on this situation. Thank you.