Gentlegirl Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Hello Everytone. Just had a phone call from a friend who also knows xMM. She hadn't seen him for the last six months and says he looks awful... strained and has lost weight. It never occurred to me that x MMs might be affeted in some way by the relationship break up. What do you all think? Cheers, Gentle Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) Sounds as though he's having a tough time trying to make up to his wife for his affair. I'm sure it's no picnic at his house right now. Since you've been out of touch for 6 months, you really can't know if it's financial strain, the death or slow terminal illness of a close relative, tax troubles...could be anything. Edited April 30, 2011 by Woman In Blue Link to post Share on other sites
Breezy Trousers Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Gentle, from what I've seen, our problem isn't these guys but our own propensity for self delusion. That's the real enemy. I agree with Woman in Blue. Please let this go. Don't listen to the dream weaver in your head. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I agree with the others. Your ex could have looked strained for any number of reasons. Maybe he just physically didn't feel well that day. Not uncommon for people his age to have bad days. You did say in another post that your exmm has been looking for other women on the dating sites since he broke up with you so I don't think he is suffering much. Link to post Share on other sites
hope224 Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I think there are probably a lot of different kinds of breakups in these types of relationships. Either one of you ended it because you didn't want to be having an affair, OM/OW ended it because they realized it wasn't healthy and wanted out/deserved better, MM/MW ended it to go back to their W/H....Probably more but I can't think of any right now. All I can give you is my experience as a MW. My OM broke up with me because of the guilt and him wanting more out of a relationship. I wasn't going back to my H to try and work on it, I knew it was over, just couldn't get out of it soon enough. I was devastated, lost a lot of weight, missed work, the whole shebang. But that was because we had a very strong connection and were really in love with one another. I felt like I had just lost the love of my life. But I understand why he did it and all I can do is to take the right steps for myself and when things are right, see if there could be another chance for us. I am not saying this is the same as your situation. But I can tell you, that if you both felt love for one another, then yes, it is hard on him. Because he no longer has someone in his life that was important to him. It is hard. I am NOT saying to feel bad for him or to rethink the breakup. Just trying to give a little insight. Have you ever been in a long term relationship and ended it yourself because you knew that you just weren't right for each other? You probably felt some heartache over that because that person was an important person in your life and its hard to understand why, even though you felt strongly about each other at a time, it really is right for it to end. Sorry if I was blabbing, just trying to give a perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Agree with Woman in Blue. I know it is difficult... but try to stop thinking/wondering/asking about him, do what makes you happy. Focus on yourself, your needs, wants, goals. Plan something to look forward to, an outing with a friend, a trip, etc. Frankly I think 98.9% of these MM just move on without a thought. Ok, maybe the miss the sex, but that is about it. Link to post Share on other sites
jayinblue Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I'm I guess considered the wayward spouse, and had an affair but ended it a couple of months ago. For what its worth, I think it depends alot on what type of affair you had. If it was purely sexual, I doubt you'd miss that person much. On the other hand, if it involved friendship and an emotional connection, then you miss the other person very, very much. Its funny actually, because if you're in the situation, you really wish you didn't have those feelings, wish you could just turn it off and move on with your life. But for someone who has only been out for a few months, it is a daily struggle to accept all of the hurt you've caused everyone, including yourself. Part of that hurt (if you're a somewhat sensitive person like I am) comes from wishing to make it less painful for everyone around you, including the other person who meant so much to you. I also think some of the pain of missing the person is you are also missing the support / acceptance for what is in reality a very bad thing you did to your spouse and the other party. But I will also say the pain is real and is constantly there (for me anyway). Most of the time you're okay and able to function like a normal person, but it does sneak up on you, and when it does, its very painful. Link to post Share on other sites
siuys Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Gentlegirl, why he looks awful and strained doesn't really matter. at the end of the day, he cannot give you what you want, or doesn't want to, for whatever reason. if he went back to his W, it won't be a picnic either so he'd have lots to sort through. mending a M after an A is hardly easy. if you have been NC for a while, you gotta ask yourself why you are still hanging onto the fantasy. it's not easy, but acceptance is key. big picture is key. all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gentlegirl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 I guess it does depend on the type of relationship and the break up. The xMM and I are 69 and 63 respectively. 8 months ago we went away togther to an island for 5 days. That was the beginning of the end. He wanted to tell his family and come to live with me. We both had really strong feelings and a connection with each other which had grown over 3 years. I would never have allowed him to do such a thing. We were only is spasmodic contact for the next 2 months or so. His wife found a text on his phone and that was when I asked him to stop contacting me. Everything was far too painful for everybody. I have very few people in my life and am finding it very difficult to be alone now. He has left an empty space which might never be filled. It isn't easy to start out afresh at 63 but I'm getting there. YOu are all so wonderful and supportive, and I have no intention of reconsidering my decision to break away from MM. Thank you, Gentle Link to post Share on other sites
Irishlove Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I know with my MM he looked like hell because he wasn't handling the split between him and I. He wasn't sleep. He was confused. He gained weight and was just not himself. He really was confused. That is just my experience. Link to post Share on other sites
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