To tell or not to tell... that I cheated.

[Mymymymysharona]

My first time posting here. I saw some good responses to a similar question so I thought I would explain my situation.

 

I've been with my current boyfriend about 3 months. I cheated about 2 weeks ago. We are at the whole, labled, boyfriend-girlfriend, I love you phase and the fact that I've done this so early on is really eating away at me. I haven't told him yet because I've been really trying to understand my motivations behind it and what lead to it. It sounds cliche but it's not him, it's me.

 

As someone who comes from a dysfunctional family, I've grew up with really messed up views of relationships and have a lot of trust issues. I have been in therapy for a while, but I had this momentary lapse. I feel like an idiot for it. I love my boyfriend. He's sweet, and kind, and a good person. I've dated a lot of bad people too, and he's not like that at all. I feel like I have a self sabotaging pattern. The guy I cheated on him with was someone I don't have a connection with at all. I only slept with him because I was going through a stressful time and felt like I had no one else. It was a big mistake and I never want to see again. I honestly feel like I just fell back on old habits, and it made me realize how much I love my own guy.

 

I don't want to break up with my boyfriend. I feel like we're just getting started and I still want time with him. But keeping this secret is wrong and killing me. I know the truth will come out and it's probably better I tell him now. But maybe because it's so early into our relationship, I'm allowed 1 get out of jail card? I mean if I don't tell him, and I never cheat on him again, then it really won't matter in the end. But if I go on and keep the secret and end up doing it again, then it will be obvious to me that I don't deserve him and need to end things right away. If it really was just something I know I will never do, is it worth it to tell him just so I don't feel guilty anymore? I feel selfish either way. What I did was really selfish. Which believe it or not, is out of character for me.

 

Well... opinions?

[vsmini]

If you take another honest look at yourself can you see yourself cheating again? This is a new relationship and tough times, ups and downs, will happen eventually - will you cheat then?

Personally if a guy cheated on me so early on in the relationship and he did come forward and tell me I would lose him in a heartbeat because I have healthy boundaries and don't take any crap. If I cheated on a guy, admitted it and he didn't leave me I would wonder where his boundaries went.

 

Come clean and see what he does or if you know you will most likely cheat on him just bow out of the relationship and tell him you are not ready to be in something serious. Learn from this and take it as a healthy sign that you are going to come clean about it. Many do not.

[ASG]

Personally, I believe in NOT telling. Which is why I'd never cheat on anyone, I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret and the guilt would eat up at me.

 

The reason why I don't think you hold tell, is because there is no point in hurting your SO, unless you actually want to break up with them. Cause that's what's going to happen. Or it doesn't, but they'll never trust you again and that will cause different problems.

 

And no, cheating early on doesn't get you a get out of jail free card. If my SO cheated on me that early on and told me, I would kick his ass to the kerb faster than you can say "I'm sorry". It easier to do it early on, you're less attached. And if you cheat during what's supposed to still be the honeymoon phase... then when things get tough you will do it again and again.

[Jynxx]

Yes you should tell. How is this even a question? It's the only right thing to do. He may break up with you over it, but he totally has the right to do so, and not telling him because you don't want to be dumped is equally selfish as the cheating itself.

[Kelemort]

I've seen all kinds of different advice and reasoning on this very subject, and lots of marks in the sand drawn between actual affairs and one-night stands, which it seems is what you actually had.

 

The general consensus I have seen is, "Don't tell" in the event of a one night stand if you intend to never do it again (although if you do, it's over - you've got to fess up). Why? Because it destroys the trust in the relationship and often causes more problems than it's worth simply for having the one-night stand. Do I entirely agree with this advice? No, of course not - I find it morally conflicting, although I understand the motivations.

 

If you tell this guy you cheated, especially so early on, it's over. And that may be the right thing, as this issue is still eating you alive. I assume you're the type of person who, even when you see something good, question its motivations. "He must be plotting to cheat on me soon," you might think. So you undertake a preemptive strike and cheat first. You hurt them before they can hurt you - something like that, maybe?

 

I think you should tell him that it's over, and you really enjoyed your time together. Continue to work on this problem of yours.

[Eclypse]

Tough question. I decided not to tell my girlfriend, but then my cheating only involved kissing. Be warned, guys don't take it too well that someone else had sex with their girl. It's a very intimate act, and it's very humiliating for a man to be in your bfs position.

 

You can tell him and likely get dumped, or not and punish yourself with the guilt forever. It's up to you but PLEASE get STD tested. You don't want your bf to get a disease from your unfaithfulness.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you? If you wish to have any future with him then of course you need to tell him. It is very very unfair of you to hide this fact. You will either have a relationship based on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. The choice is yours.

[Survivor12]

How is it that while you're still trying to understand your motivations, you can honestly say that it will never happen again? Even you know you can't:

 

"But if I go on and keep the secret and end up doing it again, then it will be obvious to me that I don't deserve him and need to end things right away."

 

What???? You have to cheat on him AGAIN to decide that you don't deserve him? What if you DO tell him and end up doing it again?

 

"If it really was just something I know I will never do, is it worth it to tell him just so I don't feel guilty anymore?"

 

You are right about one thing--it's not him, it's you. You are the one who cheated yet you want to tell him, not because you want to give him the opportunity to decide if he wants to stay with you, but because you want to stop feeling guilty! Ummm, what about what HE will feel? Even if he DOES stay with you, he's not going to be exactly thrilled about it. So, he ends up feeling bad--but, hey, you'll feel better, right?

 

Look, the best thing that you can do is tell him that you aren't ready for a relationship, cut him loose and finish dealing with your issues on your own. Until you do, you will continue to repeat the same mistakes.

[love4me2c]

I've been cheated on and I'll tell you, honestly, that I wish I never found out about it. It ruined my marriage; the results of which ultimately hurt my children by making them now live between two homes and parents. If you truly think you will not do it again. Keep it to yourself. Now if you stray again, you let this guy go so he can be with someone more trustworthy. For many people, cheating is unforgiveable....

[Professor X]

I've been cheated on and I'll tell you, honestly, that I wish I never found out about it. It ruined my marriage; the results of which ultimately hurt my children by making them now live between two homes and parents. If you truly think you will not do it again. Keep it to yourself. Now if you stray again, you let this guy go so he can be with someone more trustworthy. For many people, cheating is unforgiveable....

 

This is where your logic is faulty. It's not you knowing that ruined your marriage it's your SO that cheated on you that ruined it.

 

@OP - Of course you should either tell him or just break up with him without telling him just to spare him the pain.

But either way, you need to realize you do not match - only 3 months and already cheated? under the excuse you didn't feel you had anyone to turn to? I guess you BF was a statue at the time.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Personally, I believe in NOT telling. Which is why I'd never cheat on anyone, I wouldn't be able to keep it a secret and the guilt would eat up at me.

The reason why I don't think you hold tell, is because there is no point in hurting your SO, unless you actually want to break up with them.

 

Great advice for anyone who is morally bankrupt. Anyone with even a shred or pretense at decency should take the more honest path.

 

It's like a doctor deciding to not tell you about your cancer. Nobody has the right to withhold that kind of information, especially since he is going to be making choices that will affect the rest of his life based on that info. It's FRAUD plain and simple.

 

The general consensus I have seen is, "Don't tell" in the event of a one night stand if you intend to never do it again (although if you do, it's over - you've got to fess up). Why? Because it destroys the trust in the relationship and often causes more problems than it's worth simply for having the one-night stand. Do I entirely agree with this advice? No, of course not - I find it morally conflicting, although I understand the motivations.

 

I've seen this advice given as well. It's almost never the right path to take.

 

I've been cheated on and I'll tell you, honestly, that I wish I never found out about it. It ruined my marriage; the results of which ultimately hurt my children by making them now live between two homes and parents. If you truly think you will not do it again. Keep it to yourself. Now if you stray again, you let this guy go so he can be with someone more trustworthy. For many people, cheating is unforgiveable....

 

*face palm*

 

Ignorance isn't bliss... it's just ignorance.

[Mymymymysharona]

Well I really don't think the last reply is fair. Nothing is ever as easy or as black and white as you're trying to make it seem. It sounds to me you're a "nice guy" who has probably been burned in the past by a "crazy girl" like me. It's really not fair to project that on to my situation here. It's a fair insight into what you feel, what my boyfriend will probably feel. But I already know, because I've been cheated on before too.

 

My dad is a "bad boy" so you're right about that part. I'm attracted to what is wrong for me and as a young girl my dad destroyed my self-esteem with verbal and physical abuse. My mom was too drunk to care or protect me, so yeah I'm a little damaged. No I'm not saying this for pity or to manipulate responses I might get. It is what it is. I've worked my ass of my whole adult life to create my own happy life, going to therapy, creating my own business, losing weight, and learning to eat right. I always try to be honest with myself first and foremost. So before you so loosely use phrases like, "crazy girl sex," remember that there is actual context to that and comes from a lot of real situations. People aren’t crazy because it’s fun. It’s because they’re mentally wounded from whatever mental battle they are going through in their lives.

 

I'm not a perfect person nor am I trying to free myself of any guilt or responsibility. I will have to live with ruining this great relationship for the rest of my life. And yes my boyfriend is a nice guy. But he's not without his faults. In fact most "nice guys" who you talk of can be just as easily pigeonholed as their own version of a crazy bitch. Insecure guys who don't have great self-esteem who fall for these compulsive cheating women. It's fuel to feed their own self-loathing. They can be just as misogynistic, piggish, neglectful and bitter. And they are just as capable of cheating. All the while playing “the nice guy,” card as a cover up for their true, honest, shady self. We all have a little shade in us. I guess what I’m getting at is, please don’t cast stones at me without looking at your own faults first.

 

I think before I cheated I'd been putting him on this pedestal and in some way it was a pre-emptive strike to hurt him before he could hurt me. Is it ****ed up? Yes it is. Like I said, I have a self loathing in me that clouds my judgment and the idea of putting my crazy burdens on my boyfriend is something that scares me. I know it comes easy to some people to be able to trust their SO, but to me it’s still foreign. So I keep it to myself until I can’t take it, and then I react by doing something to hurt myself. I drink too much, or I eat too much, and in this case, I slept with the first guy that showed me even the slightest amount of attention. Before this, I hadn’t been in a long-term relationship in 5 years so having casual sex was never anything that hurt anyone. This is all new to me. I don’t think it’s fair to label me as a compulsive cheater, as it’s the first and only time I’ve ever cheated on anyone in my life.

 

Also, I’m not THAT stupid and I practice safe sex religiously, but it probably is a good idea to warn my boyfriend so thank you to earlier posters for reminding me of that. I will probably end up telling my boyfriend simply because it's what I think is fair. I probably could let it go, not tell him, and never do it again, but lies always catch up with you and I'd rather have some control over it while I still can. I'm more then certain I will be dumped and no I'm not happy about it at all. But it is what it is.

 

Either way I appreciate everyone’s input. Thanks.

[OldOnTheInside]

If you do come back OP: In your last post you admitted you had pretty large issues and insecurities. Drunken mum...bad boy Dad. You said your self-esteem was low enough that you purposely sabotaged your relationship.

 

I would recommend that you break up with your bf, work out your self esteem issues through therapy/counselling/ect. then start dating. If you aren't ready for a serious LTR, don't get into one.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[reservoirdog1]

For many reasons, you owe him the truth. One reason is that I suspect you'll probably break down and tell him one day, out of guilt. And if more months or years have gone by and you tell him then, he'll feel (quite rightly) like pretty much all of his relationship with you has been a lie.

 

Another reason is that he has the right to make decisions about the course of his life armed with all the information. One of those bits of information is that his girlfriend is willing to sleep with other guys behind his back. He has the right to know this, and to decide if he wants to stay in the relationship.

 

Yes, he will probably break up with you. But in this case, that's probably the price. But you don't just owe it to him; you owe it to yourself to be honest with him. Come clean, accept the likely breakup, and immediately seek professional guidance to help you address these issues. And do so BEFORE you get into another relationship.

[Woggle]

I would break up with him. Chances are it is not the last time you will do something like this and you will hurt him again. You seem like somebody who has a need for drama in her life.

[Missy090]

I just got caught cheating bc of a letter and i let the gulit eat me up inside. You need to tell him and get it over with. Yes, he will be hurt or might break up with you but he deserves to know what you have done. If you wait and things get more serious like my realtionship its gonna be real hard an him and you. Do the right thing and tell him.

[whammy]

stop being a coward. you dont need any one elses opinion. face your actions. you did it, be honest...stop being a conniving sociopath. do the right thing every second of every day. you cant take back what you did, but you can start being a good person now.

but then again you are what you do. cheating isnt a mistake or an accident ever. if you need instant gratification then get out.

 

 

its sad that strangers on a message board know more about you then your BF does.