frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Hey everyone, I just posted a note about how the LC tactic was frustrating me and that I worried it would backfire. Well it did...The loan for the house we were buying came in and it prompted her to send me an e-mail saying... " Hi This is a hard email but we need to move forward so i must continue writing it.Well it looks like i got the house. The appraisal is this week but i think it should be fine. Have you started looking for an apartment? I think the best place to start is xxxxx. Its close to the house & xxxx school. There are buildings right over the bridge on 96th st. Unless you know of something in xxxxx. I'll text you before i drop derik off. xxxxx " I am actually very serene right now, not lost in a craze or ready to burst out. I guess I am genuinely sad. I did call after the e-mail to just talk...I asked her why she seemed so cold about it and what made her come to the decision. I asked about the other man but she gently said " there is nothing there "... she said she had no idea if she was making the right decision but that she would never know if she didn't move forward with it. That our marriage was stagnant for years... As expected she was completely re-assuring that we would get joint custody of our son and even one of our dogs. I am going to break down at some point. Again there was no mention of divorce, I asked her why and she first said " we can't do that right now because the house etc. " So I just re-iterated and said gently " so it's strategic then the only reason we are not divorcing "...she responded by getting a little frustrated and saying " I don't know...I just don't know " So what do you all think. I read a lot of e-mails here but often the tone of said conversations are not fully described. Here you can sense her own coming to terms with the decision. Is she just backing away softly because she doesn't want to hurt me or does anyone feel that in time things could change. She even said, your name is on the house... Yes I am grabbing at straws right now, because with how calm I feel at this moment, I have the hope that tie might heal all wounds and get us back together. I am not so sure if the LC rule will apply here or I need to adjust it. The thing she repeated many times when I first arrived here was let's try to be friends again and see where that takes us. I guess as everyone says it's counter intuitive but I believe that my LC strategy actually backfired and pushed my wife further away. Maybe this is the objective. I asked about dating and she said " this is not my priority right now, but go ahead if you want to...I said no I am not interested either " Feedback desperately needed please. Thank you all ! Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Frenchmanfl- I hope you get more responses on this thread besides just me. I can't stress enough how wrong you about LC. If you had replied to her e-mail simply saying I have been looking at some places, thanks; it would be been powerful. I'm giving you this because I made these mistakes just months ago and they are fresh in my mind. I dropped reconciliation talks a month ago and went full LC a week ago. Guess what? She is missing me and wants to have dinner with me. You need to do this. Accept the current situation. She needs space right now. Let her have that space. There is nothing you do or say right now that is going to change her. She needs to do that on her own. I'm not telling you to snap out of this and get over it. 6 months later, I am not close over it, but I finally accepted it. That has given my Wife the space she needed and the ability to truly see what life is like without me. Let me ask you this question. Do you have anger, substance or physical abuse problems? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Plus you can always offer up a Healing Separation at a later date. http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Explanation.pdf http://jryankennedy.com/uploads/Handout-Healing_Separation_Explanation.pdf Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Frenchman, are you named on the mortgage? Is she putting off the divorce so that you get sucked into paying half the mortgage? If so, sounds like you need legal advice asap to stop this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 NXS first, yes my name is on the mortgage but she says she knows things are tight for me ( new job ) so she even said don't worry about money, until your job takes off. Jtsobo, your right I got suckered into it and couldn't hold the LC tight enough. I guess i was expecting something different, not the cold thing she gave me about having to discover herself etc. I couldn't help it but ask about her " friend " and she said " were just friends but who knows " Right now I know that they are the beach together with my son...I am sitting at home, but looking for apartments, so I am not sitting on my ass on this one. She thinks he is so good for my son actually better. My God, I have to now worry about being overtaken as a Father. This is why she chose this guy, not because he has any money or that he is a good looking catch but because he plays Xbox. Jtsobo, do I then not help with the move out she is going to have to do ? Isn't that going to create resentment for me. I can't actually believe this is happening. To answer your other question...absolutely not I do not have any abuse problems although I did, pain killers but when I left town I said goodbye to them and have been clean. I am an abuser not an addict. I dropped everything and never looked back...zero interest. I also had a drinking issue way back when also caused problems, not because I was anything but just a fun guy. This evolution I made was to purge all of that. I still have a drink now and then, but never interested in going back. I have a constitution. She even commented how she was surprised that I could shut the tap off. You hit on something huge, it's been an underlying issue that did put up walls between us. I am actually shaking right now out of fear that this issue you have hit on might never have her coming back. Do you think it's recoverable from ? If I bang out my life and show that it's all over, is there a chance ? Could her heart be such stone that she will never see the same again, or not miss me. As I said we had the deepest of connections. I can't believe I am sitting debating when I should be saying let go. I guess I was impatient and saw a chance to once again say how much I loved her and even said if your just friends with this guy ( which she obviously isn't ) can't we put things on hold, in terms of seeing other people for 6 months and allow our lives to settle. She didn't respond, so now I feel pathetic again. I cannot say this though with enough conviction, I left the abuser behind. And note she smokes weed every night to tackle her anxiety and we both did lots of drugs together. She is no saint and yet... However, I am the happiest I have ever been. I didn't go to meetings or check in anywhere, I just that's it moving away new man...too little too late, but what are your thoughts now ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 dreamofit...I checked those links out but that is an impossible goal right now...this requires two people to be into it, my I guess I need to say it, soon to be x wife is no where near that. That is a fruitless endeavor if she is falling for another man... Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 NXS first, yes my name is on the mortgage but she says she knows things are tight for me ( new job ) so she even said don't worry about money, until your job takes off. What does this mean? Sounds very vague to me coming from a liar and cheater (my assumptions, I haven't read any of your previous threads). You're being suckered into financial commitments to a woman who's cheating on you. I think you need to put the brakes on this and wait until things are clearer financially. She thinks he is so good for my son actually better. My God, I have to now worry about being overtaken as a Father. This is why she chose this guy, not because he has any money or that he is a good looking catch but because he plays Xbox. Yeah I bet her xbox boyfriend is a better father. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 ps... NXS...she said she was going to get roomates, any money it's this guy...now my son and this loser are going to spend every moment that my son is there with this guy. I want to launch into a tirade. Although to be honest as I have said before, I am happy it's him instead of some rich hot guy, because I know things will go downhill, he is not her type at all, but with him in the picture she is stuck in a relationship that she won't be able to get out of and when he starts having to deal with her complications... So this has brought me to cold again but I still can't believe my life has gone down this way... This was the last hurdle I needed to breach because the house was a last marker. Now that she has blown me off for that and shown me zero hope, i.e in that affair fog, I know that being nice will do nothing for me. Another lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Why on earth would you let your wife buy a new house for herself if she is behaving this way? You will be on the hook for the mortgage... or if she defaults, your credit will be ruined! THINK!!!!! Please do not allow your name to be on that note. Sounds like she is using you and does not really care about you. Sorry to say it like that, but why would you want to but a band aid on something just to have it become infected again quickly? Get your name off of that mortgage, please do not sign anything!! Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 ps... NXS...she said she was going to get roomates, any money it's this guy...now my son and this loser are going to spend every moment that my son is there with this guy. I want to launch into a tirade. Although to be honest as I have said before, I am happy it's him instead of some rich hot guy, because I know things will go downhill, he is not her type at all, but with him in the picture she is stuck in a relationship that she won't be able to get out of and when he starts having to deal with her complications... Well you're going to be stuck paying for a house that you can't even live in unless you start clearing this up asap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 last point before I sign off....I stopped drinking just after my son was born and I have ALWAYS been a great dad. I can't be Mr. Xbox whatever, but that is not my role. That is a friend not a Dad. However, my son looks like me talks like me, loves cars because of me and so on. The proof in the pudding is that she isn't thinking twice about the shared custody, although I think I need to get a lawyer. I am very scared right now because you raised an issue that I don't think I can purge from her, the fear...for someone who loves drugs as much as she does ( she takes x from time to time and will likely do more with these losers, it's kind of hypocritical to accuse me ... her response is it's different ...really ?...smoking weed every night while I had a few drinks every night to unwind is different how ) I have to regain my composure...and let go completely... The only solace I have is that she still considers me her best friend, we could talk about anything until several years ago. I have style so she just the other day asks me " do you think this purse will work with this dress and then she trusts my opinion. All of these problems make me forget the good stuff, that as someone else said, 26 years of knowing someone...if her step mom dies which could be soon, she can't turn to this guy who has never even met her. Wow sorry, I had under control until she sent that e-mail... Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 Turbo girl...I have to let that ride out. You can't know my wife and trust me I am not naive enough to believe that it's not possible but she was the money manager and she will always find a way to pay for something. The reason she wants the house is so my son has a home....She also said that she wants it to be our asset. I have to let this play out for the next 6 months. She would never ever screw things up for my son, so I am using reason here and she says she hurts about all of this and I believe her. I even said to her the other day...I spend 26 years with you and just when your about to inherit a bunch of money ( when her parents pass, step mom soon, Dad like many years left ) I will not get to be part of that joy. She said, " dont worry I will give you some, I still care for you etc. " This is a very smart, shred woman. She has already taken what she can take. She is not out to hurt me, just to be done with me and be free. This was NOT how it played out when she left first to move. Also note that the consistent theme that she keeps pulling out is that she is so scared that she is making the wrong decision. This is someone who is still wondering if it might be possible...this largely because she has seen the change in me, which she probably wasn't expecting. She now needs to see how it's not that much rosier on the other side of the fence, especially when life gets hard. As mentioned I am not going to worry about the house, because my son will be living in it. I will not play stupid games. This is a woman I have been with for 26 years, not a three year old marriage. She can do it without me, but it still won't be easy. There is a possibility that we may reconcile if by that time I even want it anymore. The house in my name, helps my credit too and I need that right now, so it's a win win. If we get a divorce, the waters will have calmed and I will then say I want my name off the house. She still loves me down deep I know it. We didn't get here with hate and anger, she just feels numb and is going through a midlife crisis. We have been together since she was a kid and she doesn't know anything else. I suspect she will learn fast that I wasn't such a bad guy after all, because short of the casual abuse of things, and some lack of attention, I am a very good guy, who has a massive heart. I think I mentioned this but before we had our son, she dreamed of having a boy that looked just like me, she loved me so much. I am going to keep the faith on that front, but I am also going to be careful, when my head is on right I can be just as cunning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 sorry didn't address the " your going to be paying into a house you won't even live in " No she isn't asking for anything, nothing. If I pay up anything it will be child care and that I will have no problems with at all. Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 sorry didn't address the " your going to be paying into a house you won't even live in " No she isn't asking for anything, nothing. If I pay up anything it will be child care and that I will have no problems with at all. Well right now all you're getting is promises, if you look at many of the threads here you'll see posters describe their ex like someone they didn't recognize any more. Sorry if my posts sounded intrusive, hope it works out alright for you and you work it out amicably. Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 One last question, especially to the women, when you get that space and your head starts to clear...do you start remembering the good things ? I mean in 26 years there are bad patches every where and even I am searching through my memory to pull out the good time we had, but with her head so marred, will she ever pull up the good times ?. I am still very fresh on this...I have read throughout these pages how the likely hood of a reconciliation is slim even if she misses you etc. I am disgusted with myself for being so wound up about this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author frenchmanfl Posted April 30, 2011 Author Share Posted April 30, 2011 Nxs, your right...this is not the woman I married or know. I am in such shock that I can't even believe it. As I mentioned in another thread my wife and both saw this move to a new city as a chance to re-start the marriage. Up until on cataclismic event ( which by the for all of my flaws, she has been the one who has been completely unstable in so many areas of her life, having nothing to do with me, in fact, I rented our house in the other city, completely gutted it, packed a truck drove down with three dogs and my car, then rented this house, completely unpacked and decorated it. Then within a month I have a good job. All things I hope when she wakes up will make her think. Her Mother doesn't even recognize her. Another point is that her entire family loves me, so if I was such a bad guy.... However to your point, I am in no way defensive about your comments and I appreciate where they are coming from. Your right I can't know what's coming down the pipe, but my extraction from the situation has to be slow. If I demand that my name come off the house it could trigger a custody battle that I am not willing to risk. The one thing she does seem completely set on is our son. I hear so many women in MLC dropping them too. This woman workships this little boy and she knows that I need to be part of his life. In other words, there are many irrational things she is doing right now which are founded almost entirely on the fact that she has a new love interest who has superficially made her feel that she isn't alone. She needs a body. I am almost dreaming of the day that she gets the wake up call about this guy. I can't wait, but it's going to require patience. She won't screw me on purpose, but I do need to be careful. If I didn't have a child my thought process would be completely different. I believe she is in for a rude awakening when one day she really needs someone who she can trust ( me ). Just a few weeks ago she was so boozed driving that she called me to talk her down and calm her. This idiot won't know how to deal with that. thank you though Link to post Share on other sites
NXS Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 Nxs, your right...this is not the woman I married or know. I am in such shock that I can't even believe it. As I mentioned in another thread my wife and both saw this move to a new city as a chance to re-start the marriage. Up until on cataclismic event ( which by the for all of my flaws, she has been the one who has been completely unstable in so many areas of her life, having nothing to do with me, in fact, I rented our house in the other city, completely gutted it, packed a truck drove down with three dogs and my car, then rented this house, completely unpacked and decorated it. Then within a month I have a good job. All things I hope when she wakes up will make her think. Her Mother doesn't even recognize her. Another point is that her entire family loves me, so if I was such a bad guy.... However to your point, I am in no way defensive about your comments and I appreciate where they are coming from. Your right I can't know what's coming down the pipe, but my extraction from the situation has to be slow. If I demand that my name come off the house it could trigger a custody battle that I am not willing to risk. The one thing she does seem completely set on is our son. I hear so many women in MLC dropping them too. This woman workships this little boy and she knows that I need to be part of his life. In other words, there are many irrational things she is doing right now which are founded almost entirely on the fact that she has a new love interest who has superficially made her feel that she isn't alone. She needs a body. I am almost dreaming of the day that she gets the wake up call about this guy. I can't wait, but it's going to require patience. She won't screw me on purpose, but I do need to be careful. If I didn't have a child my thought process would be completely different. I believe she is in for a rude awakening when one day she really needs someone who she can trust ( me ). Just a few weeks ago she was so boozed driving that she called me to talk her down and calm her. This idiot won't know how to deal with that. thank you though This is a slow train wreck, you said she inherited some money is she using it as a downpayment? Also if she has a drinking/drug problem she may now be using the money to fund her habit. She's also supposed to be taking care of your child, how old is he? I understand you're reluctance to make any kind of dramatic change so as to avoid a custody battle but I think you need to step back here and try and think this out, make up any kind of bs excuse to slow things down. Right now the OM is not the issue, the issue is that your ex has a drink/drug problem and is rearing your son and driving under the influence. She's not in her right mind and you are making financial commitments to her. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 buddy, don't put your name on ANY dotted lines till you talk to a lawyer. no matter how much you thonk your beloved little wife won't screw you. she's a different person than you married. sure as hell hate to see you here in 6 months, screaming" you guys were right". LAWYER UP NOW Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 (edited) sorry double post Edited April 30, 2011 by mark982 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 The only advice I would give you is to hire a lawyer.. now... and listen to him Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 shouldn't this thread be in the separation and divorce section? Link to post Share on other sites
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