Woggle Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I have not talked to my mother for a little over a month now. I did it because she can't stop being abusive and all it does is get me worked up and I ended up taking it out on the women here which is not right. I have a relapse here and there and I know I have a lot of work to do but for the first time in a while I truly do see an end to all this baggage. I am thinking less and less in terms of men vs women and I finally realize what a great woman I have in my wife. All that hatred and bitterness is slowly but surely being chipped away. Whenever I talk to my mother all it does is make me more upset because all she seems capable is being hateful towards anything male including her own son and it just gets me upset. Seeing what she is like is more motivation to finally conquer my demons because that is what people who let bitterness consume them end up like. I know this sounds horrible but do I owe her even a call on mother's day. It is clear I can't have a healthy relationship with her so why even try? Link to post Share on other sites
cerridwen Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I have not talked to my mother for a little over a month now. I did it because she can't stop being abusive and all it does is get me worked up and I ended up taking it out on the women here which is not right. I have a relapse here and there and I know I have a lot of work to do but for the first time in a while I truly do see an end to all this baggage. I am thinking less and less in terms of men vs women and I finally realize what a great woman I have in my wife. All that hatred and bitterness is slowly but surely being chipped away. Whenever I talk to my mother all it does is make me more upset because all she seems capable is being hateful towards anything male including her own son and it just gets me upset. Seeing what she is like is more motivation to finally conquer my demons because that is what people who let bitterness consume them end up like. I know this sounds horrible but do I owe her even a call on mother's day. It is clear I can't have a healthy relationship with her so why even try? No. You owe it to your primary family to be your best self. Don't allow your mother to take that from you and them. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 I have not talked to my mother for a little over a month now. I did it because she can't stop being abusive and all it does is get me worked up and I ended up taking it out on the women here which is not right. I have a relapse here and there and I know I have a lot of work to do but for the first time in a while I truly do see an end to all this baggage. I am thinking less and less in terms of men vs women and I finally realize what a great woman I have in my wife. All that hatred and bitterness is slowly but surely being chipped away. Whenever I talk to my mother all it does is make me more upset because all she seems capable is being hateful towards anything male including her own son and it just gets me upset. Seeing what she is like is more motivation to finally conquer my demons because that is what people who let bitterness consume them end up like. I know this sounds horrible but do I owe her even a call on mother's day. It is clear I can't have a healthy relationship with her so why even try? You don't owe her anything. I cut my mother off a few years ago after she did something particularly heinous and refused to apologize or even feel bad about it. I've found myself to me remarkably happier ever since. Focus on the ones that actually love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted April 30, 2011 Share Posted April 30, 2011 you owe her something for Mothers Day as much as you owe your ex something for her birthday. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Here is what you owe- You owe yourself the chance to be with a loving wife who can be supportive. It would be nice if you could send your mom a final good bye message but maybe your actions of not sending her anything would suit her well. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 What have you done for her on the past Mother Day's Woggle.. On first thought I'd say you don't owe her anything but ......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted May 1, 2011 Author Share Posted May 1, 2011 I usually give her a call which results in a barrage of abuse and being told that I married a stepford wife. Call me a horrible son but I have no desire to hear it this year. I would rather talk to my mother in law. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Woogle.. you are not a terrible son.. in fact just the opposite. If you are upset or feeling guilty about not doing any thing than veer from what you have done in the past and just send a nice vanilla card thru the mail. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 Put a card in the mail and call it a day. Families are often messed up, no news there. You have to put yourself first. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 no! do not step into her negativity and intent to find ways for making you feel badly. send an acknowledgement in the mail... do not call. you don't need a setback by her abuse. she's not what i think of as a loving mother. i'm not even sure i'd get a Mother's day card - maybe just a card that says - Thinking of YOU. that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 IMO you owe her less than nothing Link to post Share on other sites
sanskrit Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 No one "owes" anything to anyone for a 20th century marketing media creation of a holiday, and that includes Valentine's, Father's Day and the debacle that Christmas has become also. Don't be a sucker/retailer's wet dream. Treat those who earn it well all year long and ignore those who don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 1, 2011 Share Posted May 1, 2011 (edited) I am genuinely surprised that you say that you are in contact with your Mum, OP. Maybe you just call her on Mothers Day and significant dates? Which I can imagine would be highly annoying (rightly or wrongly) after all the water that has gone under the bridge. So, my suspicious mind is at work within my answer here. Forgive me but I can't really offer a gut reaction of a 'no', mainly because this is something that you seem to hold onto so tightly. Others here probably know you better but I don't have very positive things to say about your view of women and consider that you have no right to tarnish others with the same brush as your mother. In some cases what you observe may be true but Sir, your reactions often are primitive - to say the least. I would say that it may be good to put into a 'thinking of you' card your real ideal thoughts of how you would like your relationship to be. Thanks to whoever it was who suggested such a card. I say this only because of a very idealistic aim of one still being fluid, even when others are not. This is a mature response and shows that such a place in you exists. I am not sure it does. .. Maybe also send a similar card also to your Mother in Law? Let her know how much you value her! It could be good for you to acknowledge the good you see. After all, this is what really matters in life. Long term I would offer her (bio Mum) the opportunity of a three way meeting with your therapist and be guided through any rejection or possible acceptance of such a venture. I understand being hurt more than you will ever know and the answer is to face the hurt. Those who don't face it bury it and it comes out in different ways. This is not about owing anyone anything, it is about being honest and living true. If this relationship is to end ensure you have support within the process as really it may have ended long ago. Of course, it is up to you. Carry on as you are if you want. All the best, Take care., Eve x Edited May 1, 2011 by Eve Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted May 5, 2011 Share Posted May 5, 2011 (edited) It's only been a month or so since you've talked to your mother, send her an obligatory mothers day card. Unless she is truly a caustic b*#ch who you have finally freed yourself from & are now in hiding with no intention of ever having contact with her again, or allowing your future children to come in contact with her. If your thinking this will teach her a lesson & she will learn to take you seriously, it won't. If you want to fix it you need to do the work, if you have reached the last straw & made the decision to sever this relationship than do it. Edited May 5, 2011 by oldguy Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted May 6, 2011 Share Posted May 6, 2011 I don't know the back story with your mom, but I'd say do what makes you feel best about the situation. I agree that you don't owe her anything in that regard but if you will feel more guilt for not acknowledging her, then that's something to consider (and work through past this M-day). Personally, I think I'd make that call and if the negative stuff starts, I'd put my foot down and tell her you won't be a sounding board for her negative views about x,y,z. I think a key to freeing yourself from this is to stand up for yourself and lay down your boundaries. I'm not sure ignoring her (essentially hiding from it) is the long term answer. But if it's what gets you through now while you figure it all out, by all means do that. I'm glad to see that you're making a connection on this. I've read your other posts and your bias against women was pretty strong. It would be excellent to see you free yourself of that so you can really enjoy your wife, your life Link to post Share on other sites
Author Woggle Posted May 7, 2011 Author Share Posted May 7, 2011 I found that she has already made plans to visit my ex in prison so this does it. I hate to say this but I am simply cutting her off. What kind of mother befriends the woman that tried to shoot her son? Link to post Share on other sites
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