Update / Wife came over to drop son...

[frenchmanfl]

Ok, update..wife came over to drop our son off and pick up some of her belongings...( not ready to say x yet ) I was very calm but still broke the LC rule, because the new house issue was laid down on me today.

 

First I do understand all of the panic buttons I am seeing pressed in here, which is likely more to do with my moments of freaking out a little.

 

There was some very calm discussion and I had to ask why she was doing this. She said very calmly that she just needed to find herself and all of the textbook mid life crises tag lines.

 

Anyway, we both calmly talked and I told her that I was getting some advice that people were saying you would screw me with the house. She said the same of the people that she has been talking to, that I was going to screw her. She said no one knows the two of us like we do...we have a boy together and I am his mother and you his Father, I want us to handle this like adults.

 

There was some " I haven't loved you in years and I didn't have the guts to do it then "...and all of the other stuff that I have become so used and no longer hurts

 

She said " this is going to be your son's house and I have managed our finances with expert precision since we have been married, I am not going to lose this house...I will get roomates ". She even expressed that she wanted me to be sure to get a place close so that my son could ride back and forth whenever he wanted to.

 

In other words, we were both calm about this. Adults. Yes I know how naive it sounds but not every single break up is a vindictive one. Not every single couple walk away hating each other. There has been anger because of the shock but I have kept the tone down. This was a huge day and therefore needed to be discussed but i went into calm and collected. Almost detached.

 

I have no choice in the matter, however, it was clear that she was a bit surprised that I was so calm because somewhere in the conversation I said " I understand where you are and why you are doing what your doing and that I too need to re-evaluate my own existence...but I am scared " her response " you don't think I am...you don't think I wonder if I am making the wrong decision but I need to do this, I need to find myself ( MLC anyone ). I said have you suffered at all through

 

So now the LC begins in full earnest...no more breaks in the armor. I have no reason to, this is a lost cause ( for the time being...maybe til eternity ) I am calm cool and collected and actually at some peace about all of this. Who knows what lies ahead but everything that can be thrown at me to hurt me has been thrown at me, so I am beginning to pick up the pieces and face my new existence. I will have little panic moments, but I am cool. I can't live in a dark world like this.

 

I am going to play LC because I am not ready to give up, I know I still love this woman and despite everything, I know down deep it's still there. Whether it's strong enough to ever result in a return who knows.

 

Now I do need some reasonable advice. I have a month before the lease is up on this house. Under the circumstances, I don't feel I have any responsibility to pack up anything but my own stuff. However, I know that when the time comes, she is going to ask me to help. I need an out that doesn't come off as if I am just trying to get back at her. I will probably think of something ( I am in sales so I can BS ) in the coming week or two, but any ideas would be welcomed. Maybe I just need to return with a gentle reminder that I am not hers anymore and therefore not responsible. Or maybe I will find a way to be out of town that weekend.

 

OK, I think I have reached the end of the major hurdles to be breached. I have lived with the thought that she might be sleeping with someone, I know that no amount of trying will result in a change of heart, I have reached a serene place and while scared, a little interested to see what lies ahead for me. My security blanket is my son.

 

I have to learn to play the LC though. There is a fine line between angry LC and at peace LC. That is the threshold the left person must cross and I am not 100% there but I am not in knots anymore.

 

Onward to my new destiny. I will go into it though with the hope that one day, maybe, that connection I have always felt with my wife finds itself again, stranger things have happened. I think she has simply forgotten what a confidant and friend I was, despite my flaws. I also want her to be alone to see that so many of the issues that hit our marriage where hers alone. That you can run but you can't hide from yourself.

 

I just spoke with my Mother in law and she said " Patrick you are not my flesh and blood but maybe it's a good thing you get away from her " =)

 

I still can't believe I am where I am and I am going to have some bad days.

 

Thanks everyone for listening !

[soserious1]

Your next conversation with this woman needs to go like this

 

"Wife, I obviously can't stop you from seeking a divorce but I cannot & will not assume responsibility to pay for a house I won't be living in"

 

She wants a house? let her buy one AFTER the divorce in her own name,with her own assets.

 

Seriously, even if she didn't screw you on ths, having that mortgage on your credit report, along with child support obligations is going to probably make it impossible for you to do things like by a new car,rent a new place in the future because your debt to income ratio will be screwed.

 

Also, do you want to have to sit and worry every month for the next 15-30 years wondering if this is going to be the month she doesn't pay the house note?