When is it really over?

[nycpetit]

I read a lot here about the guy not being sure of the depth of the relationship he wants..usually after it has proceeded quite far. My ex and I were engaged, and living together...and had discussed/planned a wedding, the e- ring was being paid off....etc. I realize that everyone's situation has variations on a theme. Are there any situations of someone asking for space, or saying they are not ready to get married, but you find yourselves still living together and engaged....that work out? Or you have these discussions of him not being ready for work, money, and career reasons, but you continue to live together and remain engaged, even though it is creating huge stressors in the relationship? Does that scenario make the prognosis any better, the fact that you are engaged and still living together...but nevertheless, he is not ready to get married..and has clear financial problems to prove that point?

 

Sigh, sometimes I don't even know why I bother to continue to dwell on all these things. I mean, if I look back, I realize that he has had a sort of deluded sense of reality, and was looking for me to be the answer to all of his unhappinesses, this lasted for about three months...upon which I learned that he was financially unsound, but living and feeling he deserved to. live..way outside of his means..and then it was/is always everyone else's fault because he can't live that lifestyle.

 

The fact is that he has never really "left" so to speak. Here I read a lot about relationships that just took space..or one person left. But how about someone leaving, but not really? I still live in our apartment in NYC, and he moved about eight months ago to take a temporary, but hopefully better, job about two hours away. Within six weeks, he was consistently coming back for weekends, and inviting me out there...and seemingly not happy with living out there. He wanted to return...although i think each of us knew that he was going to need to make a decision about us if he were to consider moving back in...and that perhaps the best thing would have been to come back, but live in separate apts. in the same city. This conversation would go back and forth all the time..he talking of nothing else for a few weeks, and then lashing out about his miserable life, money problems, and many multitude of jobs he was considering..and then well, perhaps he would try something different out there first since he had not been happy in his job field in the city..maybe out there there would be other avenues he could explore first. But always he kept his "tentacles" with things here in the city..his gym membership, paying utilities here, maintaining friendships etc.

 

He took a furnished place when he moved, nothing was permanent about his move. A ton of his stuff still remains in the apartment...and the utilities still go to him...he had the mail forwarded rather than change the name on some of the bills when he moved..although i pay the rent.

 

I suppose that perhaps he just wanted to "keep his place" and that is why he didn't move completely. But it has been problematic for me..because his financial situation still hasn't gotten better, in fact, if got worse...he is seemingly angry all the time, and additionally, he still goes back and forth on what he wants with us...but constantly, of his own accord...no asking on my part..speaks of us as a permanent thing, and expresses continuous appreciation for me...and the support and love that I give him. But when asked what he wants to do about us in the short-term...he just doesn't know....then I am pressuring him..and he will cite all negatives from our past..the hard times for him with money, my chronic illness (i was diagnosed a year ago with chronic kidney disease and am awaiting a transplant)...he has maintained that he wants to donate if he is a match.and wants to continue to cover the utilities..try as I have to just get us to make a clean break so i don't have to feel tied to someone who is not sure. He cannot afford this apartment..even if he were to move back...so there is not really a discussion of me leaving it...we are not even mid-lease on it right now..in fact, we renewed it in February because he was rather sure that he might come back to the city at some point before it would be up next year (2005). And since i need a place to live, can afford the rent..but moving would be very expensive for me...he and I sort of just came to a mutual agreement that it was best to hang onto the apartment.

 

I wonder sometimes if has maintained his connection with me purely for his own benefit..a place to crash in in the city, giving him the feeling that he still "has an apartment here" and something to fall back on..both relationship-wise and living situation-wise.since his place out there is up May 1st/

 

Well, two weeks ago we took a trip to South Beach for a week..we always go each march. And this year we went again.although we have not been together as much as in the previous year. We had a great time..although he was still clearly moody because of his finances, what to do when his house is up, not liking his job out there..and he has made quite a barrier between myself and his family and old friends..his newer friends he seems open and fine about sharing with me. I have gathered somewhat that he might have used me as the excuse with these"older" friends of his last year that I was the reason he needed to move..that he had been financially supporting me..which is far, far from the truth.

 

I guess the bottom line is that I have answered my own questions...a couple of weeks ago...just days after our return..he was to have come into the city to hang out for the weekend..and its Saturday nght and he still hasn't said if he is coming in the next day or not...upon which he finally calls and says that he is having an impromptu brunch with his male friend (that I know) the next day...and there is no mention of his coming in. I then also learn that that day's events had been golfing with the guys.which I knew..but also that these guys brought their wives and girlfriends..I have met these people. I asked him if he felt it odd that he doesn't share with these people that I am still in his life...but I know that he does..when we were away he talked to them in my presence and told them where we were...and he says, "I don't know why I have these issues...I was thinking about that today..like why I didn't ask you to come out." But this is something that has gone on for a long time...and I took it to blame on myself thinking that perhaps I had done something in the past to make friend situations uncomfortable for him.....

 

In the end, I told him after that conversation...actually the following day (he begged off that night saying he didn't want to have an irrational conversation and regret the breaking of us because he was drunk..this was at eleven-thirty at night).....that I was sick of this. That he needed to find a way to come to terms with what are HIS issues and what are his desires...and work it out..something he has said to me himself many times when he is irritated with anything...he got very angry..citing that he still wanted to assist with things here..that he still wanted to be a potential donor for me...that he didn't want to keep treating me like his Dad has treated his mom for years...looking for someone else to make him happy, to fix all his problems....

 

We have no spoken since..he was supposed to come last Saturday, per his planning..to finally make some clear cutoffs ....bills, things here, stuff he has of mine..but he never called, and he never showed up.

 

Another thing...he has told me on many occassions that only I know of his financial problems..and I don't doubt this..but what a stressor it was for me..and in the end..he has been I think suffering from depression (genetically...his dad has it ..and has been on meds for years...big mood swings). He was scaring me when I said no more..I didn't expect it to be such a big deal for him...he has been in a sense begging out for so long..although I think using me as a convenient excuse for all his mental and financial problems more than wanting out ....and so I finally wrote a very simple email to his parents...saying that I felt they should know that he was really hard pressed right now for money (creditors and such keep calling here..and have now started sending bills here since they are getting no response from him out there)....because I KNOW he has used me as his sounding board..and not been honest to others about his debts, cycling etc...i know that this was probably a breach of trust...but I felt that someone needs to stop this cycle for him..that he needs people that he can fall back on...people that he can trust unconditionally....and after three years, none of this stuff has gotten better, he cries, cycles up and down, apologizes...and then is maniacally high for a while..then crushingly low..sleeping, sullen...etc.....

 

I told myself I would never write to them unless I felt I needed to get out of the situation completely...but of course we still have to end our ties...and I wonder now if he didn't show up to do so because he is sad that we are done...or if he is mad at me.....

 

sorry, just needed to get that out..it seems we hung on for so long that I never thought it would really end..he would cite needing space because he felt he had to get himself together first, job-wise, career-wise, money-wise...but this was in the framework of still being together..just putting marriage etc. on hold..and he would still talk in a "we" way..but I think perhaps he felt guilt for leaving at all..and for this reason, to be the "big man" perhaps told his friends that he wasn't really with me...regardless that he was still coming nearly every weekend, taking me out to dinner, etc, took the vacation with me..and calling me all day everyday.....

 

it just seems odd....

 

N

[average guy]

Hi nycpeti,

 

But the important thing is that you got the apartment in NY, right?

 

Just kidding (I spent a summer in NY and I know how hard it is to find good affordable housiing)

 

It sounds like you are well on the road to recovery ...

 

Best wishes

 

Cheers,

 

A.G.

[Micheal]

have you ever heard if its not this problem its something esle o boy just has a messed up attude about life in stead of focus on his problems day in day out ,he should try to focus on what he enjoys about life and be thankful beacause people have it worse than him.i dont belieave depression can be cured with med only numbed,because when i was depressed i did the x thing and after a while i was worse off and still had the same problems and less money drugs are really expensive D.A.R.E only thing i can see that will help him is for him to change his outlook on life

[Becks84]

"Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end." This is a good quote to think about.

[shamen]

I'm not sure that I totally understand your opinion on the whole thing. Do you want out? If you do, help make it happen. You did finally contact his parents, therefore you feel it's the end...?

 

It doesn't seem very healthy. It sounds like you would be better off without him because he is obviously bringing you down.

 

The majority of your post sounds like right now you're focusing too much on how he feels and not enough on what your feelings are. What do you think?