Why did I do this ?

[Jmor]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this site and I'm looking to post anonymously and hopefully not face any judgments. I'll sort of explain my situation..

 

Firstly I've only just turned 18. I'm currently in a very committed relationship which has been going on for almost 2 years now. This is my first serious relationship and my first sexual partner... Within the first few months of dating we had exchanged 'i love you's and already we were very committed to each other. On our anniversery we moved in together while we both attended university. Our relationship I felt was perfect, but I'm second guessing it now. We had both invested so much of our lives and so much of our time, and I feel like we share everything, i have no space.. We're both very involved in each other's families and we share the same group of friends. I feel like I depend on him so much, and like I've lost my independence. I am really still so much in love with him, but there are times where I just want to leave. I can't imagine what I would be like without him, and I can't imagine him living without me.. I'm so scared of anything ruining our relationship. I have no idea if he would forgive me for what I've done.

 

So basically a few months back one of my good friend's boyfriend, also my boyfriend's best friend began to flirt with me. I've always been a flirt, so I saw it as nothing, and innocent. I flirted with everyone and my boyfriend was fine with it. Recently this other guy began to text me more and more often, and began to express some feelings for me. Never, EVER would I have pictured me and him together. at least a few months ago I wouldn't have.. I saw the way he treated his current girlfriend, he was cold and unresponsive. They claimed to be in love but one night he dumped all his problems on me and informed me he wasn't in love with her, he just needed SOMEONE after his Dad had passed away. I felt as if it was nothing more than him opening up to me, and I was happy that i was finally connecting with some more of my boyfriend's friends. Later that month we we're all partying at his house and he began to grab me any time he had the chance. I don't want to blame it on the booze, but I was having so much fun I didn't seem to care, and it didn't bother me much afterwards, as it was just my ass, and he wasn't the only one who had done that before.

A while after that he began telling me I was pretty, and asking for pictures of me in my new dress i was going to wear to his brother's wedding. It then advanced to him wanting nudes of me, which i refused to send him. Then it advanced further to him sexting (sex-texting) me.. I didn't sext back for a while but eventually he pushed me far enough and i began to fake sext him. I guess it's my fault for leading him on, but I had no idea what else to do, and I really didn't want to lose our friendship. A few weeks later he had taken me away from the group and kissed me. And then it really escalated. He would tell me how much he wanted me, how wrong my boyfriend was for me, and basically throwing his best friend under the bus. My boyfriend can be a bit of a jerk and i feel as if he doesn't treat me right at times, But it isn't fair to put it all on him. So I defended him and myself claiming I was happy. Most the time I am, but I feel like I'm suffocated at times, as he is a bit over-bearing.. At the same time he is perfect for me. He takes care of me, spoils me, and most of the time makes me truly happy..

A few days ago the other guy offered to take me somewhere so he could talk to me, and i ended up going a bit further than that. We didn't have sex, but we made out a lot.. There are no excuses for what I did. I'm just stupid.

 

This is now eating away at my conscience, I have no one to talk to and i have no idea what to do. I feel like the ****tiest person alive, and I feel like if I tell my boyfriend he'll leave me with nothing, and no where to go. I've put so much of my life into this relationship and I feel as if I owe him so much more. I never know how he feels as he never shares anything with me, and it makes me that much more confused. I've told him I want to move home, but he just guilts me saying he couldn't pay the rent alone, and he has to take care of our cat, and that his parents have put so much work into a house we've just moved into. I felt like the move would be a good escape for me to go home for a while and take a break but I just can't make myself do it. This other guy is now pushing me to leave, and telling me he'll wait for me.. He isn't a bad guy, and I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like if I come clean with my boyfriend everyone will be hurt. I won't have friends anymore, I won't have someone to take care of me, and I won't have someone who loves me.

 

Please ! Sorry for the wall of text. But I NEED HELP. I have no one else to talk to..

[Kinder-Horror]

I think your first step is to take a look at yourself and admit all of your wrong-doings (to yourself). You admitted some here, but they are always followed up with some kind of justification.

 

Next, you need to decide what YOU want. If you feel like your relationship is over (with or without the cheating), then don't let anyone guilt you into being in a relationship. You live with your bf and have a cat. People get divorced... which is more complicated - do you want to wait til it gets that far one day? Or til you may have to call off an engagement? If you believe it is time to break up, it is time to break up. The cat will be fine.

 

If you want to save your relationship - you need to decide if you are going to tell your boyfriend about your infidelities - which he may find out on his own anyway. You may lose him if you tell him, but it also should be his decision to make after getting all the information, and robbing him of his decision is also wrong.

 

You are young and you have been in a relationship for a long time compared to other people your age (and other people even 5-10 years older than you) - it is completely natural to want your independence. Your actions lead me to believe it is time to move on from this relationship. He may be great, and you may still love him - but that doesn't necessarily mean you are meant to be together forever

[jnj express]

It would be my suggestion, that what you need to do---is to get out of the relationship you are in---and stay out of any relationship till you are around 25, 26 yrs old

 

What you need to do is to experience normal dating, and going out, and having fun with all kinds of people----you need to sow your wild oats

 

The 2nd guy is a definite piece of sh*t for trying to bust up the relationship you are in---so you should stay away from him also

 

Just tell your present BF---you do not wanna be in a serious relationship, and that you wanna date, and have fun---If he doesn't like it---toooo bad----let him pay the rent himself, or walk away from the apt.---you shouldn'e even be in this kind of situation at your age

 

Why am I giving you this ---cuz mge is very hard work, and if you marry young by the time you hit 25, 26 yrs old---the mge., is already going stale, and boring, and trouble sets in from there

 

Just go out, have fun, and enjoy life, WITH ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be upfront and honest with you?

[OldOnTheInside]

I think Kinder gave some particularly good advice.

 

To add on to that: One of the most important things in a healthy relationship is the ability to place yourself in your SO's shoes. So lets say that bf cheated on you in the same way that you have with him (except with a woman of course).

 

What would want him to do?

What would you expect him to do?

[Dust]

You really try to justify everything you did as you explain it. Just realize you did the wrong thing.

 

Since you want to move home I suggest that is what you do. Don’t let your bf guilt you with not being able to afford the place on his own etc because it was never a guaranteed think you two would forever live together.

 

For now stop cheating. Move out. And then decide your next step. I would suggest just breaking up with him if that’s your choice, or coming clean in a no non-sense way if you want to continue the relationship.

 

If you do come clean something a long the lines of “I let my relationship with _________ get out of hand. I was wrong and we made out, I regret that now and hope I get a second chance with you. Don’t start talking about how you are just a flirty person, and how you thought it was all ok and you just wanted to protect the friendship. Just be like you should have done things differently and you know what you did was wrong because you wouldn’t want him doing that to you.

[Professor X]

LOL, so much denial in one post, geez!

"I am a flirt", "I had so much fun", "Everyone were touching my ass so it's ok" ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

"he pushed me far enough and i began to fake sext him. I guess it's my fault for leading him on, but I had no idea what else to do" - how about, and I know it's gonna sound crazy, NOT TEXT HIM BACK AND TELL HIM TO GTFO!!!

"he had taken me away from the group and kissed me" - unless you gave him a falcon punch in return than you also kissed him.

 

And now the funny part comes:

 

"I'm currently in a very committed relationship" -YEAH, in your dreams maybe.

 

God, how can you even open your post stating such a thing knowing you've been cheating on your BF for a while?! !?!?

 

I can guarantee you that your BF will know about this because you messed around with his BEST friend no less.

And that friend will do all that he can to get the 2 of you to break up officially.

[Jmor]

Thanks for all the advice...

Shortly after writing this up I came clean.. My BF is really just pissed at me for not telling him sooner.. and he's really REALLY pissed with his friend..

 

Things might be awkward for a bit, but I hope we can move on... And I understand how young I am, and I do really think moving home is the best thing for me right now.. I'm going to wait it out a month or so, and I'll see if things get better, or get worse.. I feel like I still have an obligation to stay here for a bit longer and help him move in, take care of some things.. But I'm still a baby. I agree that 18 is too young to be living together, and I need to take a step back, figure myself out first, and then reconsider living with the SO.

 

So thanks everyone.

And I realize what I've done is wrong. Sorry for trying to cover it all up with horrible excuses.

[Dust]

Thanks for all the advice...

Shortly after writing this up I came clean.. My BF is really just pissed at me for not telling him sooner.. and he's really REALLY pissed with his friend..

 

Things might be awkward for a bit, but I hope we can move on... And I understand how young I am, and I do really think moving home is the best thing for me right now.. I'm going to wait it out a month or so, and I'll see if things get better, or get worse.. I feel like I still have an obligation to stay here for a bit longer and help him move in, take care of some things.. But I'm still a baby. I agree that 18 is too young to be living together, and I need to take a step back, figure myself out first, and then reconsider living with the SO.

 

So thanks everyone.

And I realize what I've done is wrong. Sorry for trying to cover it all up with horrible excuses.

Being 18 doesn't make you a baby or too young to live together. You seem to have a habit of putting all your actions on something else.

 

If you don’t want to live with him, then you don’t have to. Don’t let him guilt you into staying because you cheated or he needs your money.

[Andy_K]

Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin. It's okay sometimes if it's just the humourous type, but otherwise it's a big No. It's projecting sexual energy outside the relationship, and there's no way that can be a good thing. When someone also has no clearly defined boundaries, like you, then it's only ever going to lead to one place.

 

If you feel the need to flirt, to feel sexually desired by others and validate yourself, you're not ready for a relationship. If you don't need that, then... don't do it!

[OldOnTheInside]

If you feel the need to flirt, to feel sexually desired by others and validate yourself, you're not ready for a relationship. If you don't need that, then... don't do it!

 

^This.

 

Honestly, judging from your posts, I don't think you are emotionally ready for a dedicated LTR. There is nothing wrong with that, but if you aren't ready, don't get into one. Work out your own insecurities first.

[Woman In Blue]

This other guy is now pushing me to leave, and telling me he'll wait for me..

LOL. This little jackass is looking to get laid - NO more, NO less. Go ahead and give him the best 6 minutes of his life (well he IS a teenage boy, no?) and when you're all done, watch him RUN.

 

He isn't a bad guy, and I don't want to hurt him, but I feel like if I come clean with my boyfriend everyone will be hurt. I won't have friends anymore, I won't have someone to take care of me, and I won't have someone who loves me.

 

Don't set a precedent that you "need" someone to take care of you or you're going to regret it. Learn to take care of YOURSELF independently in life, don't rely on someone else to do it. You'll NEVER have options in life if you become dependant on someone else. Trust me on that one.

 

You know, if you were a 35 year old woman, I'd call you a dumbass. But you're an 18 year old teenage girl, and this how girls your age act. You're just now beginning to explore the world at college and spreading your wings for the first time, so why are you trying to grow up so fast by playing house already?

 

Slow it down and get out into the world and learn who YOU are, first. You're completely losing your individuality by immersing yourself in this adult live-in relationship before you've even learned who you are.

 

Go home to your parents and catch your breath. If this was truly meant to be, then it will be.