How do you begin to move on when you dream about her every night?

[CrazyMiner]

Hi all,

 

Hope everyone has enjoyed the weekend.

 

My partner told me she wanted to separate back in the middle of March this year after an 8 year relationship. Basically it was a case of "I love you but I'm not IN love with you". We tried meeting once a fortnight after that as 'friends' which was great at first and we got on really well but she slowly started to become a bit colder towards me, not calling to arrange meet ups or when she did offering me silly options like going to dinner with her at her grandparents etc (natural ground for her I suppose). I didn't help things by still being in the 'begging' stage I suppose and whenever we spoke on the phone it would usually turn into me asking her to come home (we had just brought a house together) but this just pushed her further away and I think is why she has stopped pursuing the meet ups and also means that I probably messed up any chance of a reconciliation when we were getting on so well at the start of the break up. But, hey ho, I've sent her a NC/LC letter saying that for both our sakes etc we shouldn't be meeting up right now and should only talk 'business' as we are trying to rent the house out.

 

So I suppose my question is in the title. Even after going 2 months of separation I still dream about her most nights, never sexual dream just nice ones, e.g. last night it was about her coming round to what I assume was Sunday dinner, wearing a really nice dress, and she went to kiss me on the cheek as we did when we said goodbye when meeting as friends but she turned and kissed me on the lips. I've also had several dreams in the same night, going from nice memories of us in the past to the present as if we hadn't broken up and then into the future where we are both doing well in our jobs and have kids etc.

 

I've tried thinking about all her bad points, but if I'm honest there weren't many and the ones she did have were pretty insignificant, like moaning about me not doing the washing up. I've ordered a couple of self help books so I'm hoping there might be some nuggets in those.

 

I think I'm still inbetween grieving stages... I was fully expecting to be spending the rest of my life with her and find it really difficult to get angry at her. It is only recently that I have managed to cry properly about the break up, and I think that I was in a state of shock/disbelief for a couple of weeks so wasn't able to grieve earlier. I've even seen a Skype conversation between her and one of her male friends (who she insists is gay and now visits nearly every weekend) where she basically bad mouthed me and was a bit two faced, saying things like "****! why won't he just leave me alone" and making fun of the letter I'm sending (she doesn't know it is to start NC/LC, she seems to think it contains my 'thoughts and feelings') when two seconds earlier she was on the phone to me saying how well we were getting on at the moment. Even after seeing that two faced situation, I still find it hard to begin the moving on process. I'm pretty sure she is just acting 'big' infront of this guy and maybe saying things that she thinks he wants to hear but it still hurt a bit.

 

I'm socialising a lot more, creating a proper circle of acquaintances which are turning to friends and starting to get back into some sports, which I was hoping would help me move on. But they don't seem to be helping.

 

How do you move on from someone you grew up with (I'm 23 and she is 22 so we dated from a young age), had started to discuss marriage dates and, more informally, childrens names we liked, and were expecting to spend your life with?

[is2008]

Hi mate,

 

Sorry to hear of your breakup. My gf of 6 years broke up with me earlier this year and for two months I couldn't sleep at all... it does get better!

 

First, I'd cleanse your house. ANYTHING that reminds you of her, box it up, put it away. I was brave enough to throw it away.

 

Rearrange your bedroom so that the familiarities disappear. Don't think about her before you sleep.. hard I know. Minimise contact to the absolute bare minimum and keep it strictly business. Give yourself time to absorb what's happened but keep yourself occupied.

 

Don't be stuck in a rut thinking you won't get over it. You will. I'm still getting over it, I'm not over it. I don't know when I will be.

 

Best wishes.

[ccfan]

Sorry to hear you are going thru this mate... believe me i know the feeling... not fun to say the least.

 

Gosh i hate the beautiful dreams with the ex... they are the most powerful ones and have us in a "ex spell" all of the following day.

 

My guess is that the last thing you think before going to bed is your ex... hence your subconcious is "over-feeded" with thoughts of her... one way to approach this is to watch a movie or a section of a movie that you like just before going to bed to have another image/tought in your brain... and if you catch yourself lying in bed for over ten minutes thinking of her, turn on the lights and put the movie, check the internet or whatever you can do to break the cicle.

 

Of course time and NC are the definive healers here but this little tip worked for me.. hope it does for you

Edited May 1, 2011 by ccfan

[LostInTurn]

When my ex and I split, the dreams were my most feared part of the day. It got to the point where I would stay up

All night because I would rather have been

tired than live through another dream. I would awake in the morning sick.

 

You need to find a distraction. Before you go to sleep at night, clear your mind. Maybe watch a show you always laugh at so your thoughts are lighter. Perhaps have the tv on in the background so it distracts your thoughts. Teach yourself to fall asleep in positivity. It will take more than a day or two, but it will work. I sleep again to I'm proof it works! Some nights, sure I have a dream I'd rather not have, but they're few and far between and are triggered from thoughts of the day if I thought of him. Also tea helps your mind relax before bed. I don't drink tea, but when push comes to shove... you'll do what's needed to live.

 

Hope this helps.

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks for the advice guys. The tea and a funny program/movie before bed sounds good. Cleansing the house is something that I'm trying to do but I'm finding it hard even after nearly 2 months to put her pictures, our joint ones and her trinkets into a box. They still make me smile but then of course I feel crap for the rest of the day. Ugh!

 

As ccfan says, I do spend my time going to bed thinking about her, usually replaying the final few months and weeks in my head... she won't discuss the break up or her reasons anymore and I just feel that I haven't been able to have any closure so I'm constantly searching for a reason why. This of course can't be helping the dream situation. I've sent this NC/LC letter mainly because, even though I am going out and socialising etc to keep myself busy, I found that I was always looking forward to our meet ups and now that she has stopped calling to plan these in (I feel awkward doing it in a way because I know she feels a bit on edge when we chat on the phone) it was just making me feel worse.

 

If anyone else has found things that help them along it would be really helpful!

[CrazyMiner]

Thanks for the advice guys. The tea and a funny program/movie before bed sounds good. Cleansing the house is something that I'm trying to do but I'm finding it hard even after nearly 2 months to put her pictures, our joint ones and her trinkets into a box. They still make me smile but then of course I feel crap for the rest of the day. Ugh!

 

As ccfan says, I do spend my time going to bed thinking about her, usually replaying the final few months and weeks in my head... she won't discuss the break up or her reasons anymore and I just feel that I haven't been able to have any closure so I'm constantly searching for a reason why. This of course can't be helping the dream situation. I've sent this NC/LC letter mainly because, even though I am going out and socialising etc to keep myself busy, I found that I was always looking forward to our meet ups and now that she has stopped calling to plan these in (I feel awkward doing it in a way because I know she feels a bit on edge when we chat on the phone) it was just making me feel worse.

 

If anyone else has found things that help them along it would be really helpful!

 

Anyyyyyyyy others?

[Leandro]

Hey CrazyMiner.

 

It's been like 8 months since my break up i think. I still dream about my ex, but its not hurtful. Just sleep dream of her or something related to her and then get up and go to school and do my thing. Sometimes i'll go months without dreaming of her, then BAM she comes back.

[Star Gazer]

It's only been about a month, after an 8 year relationship? Man, you're still in the heat of it all.

 

As trite and cliche as it sounds, what you need is time. The more time that passes, the easier it will get.

[Fufu]

At times, I still dream of my ex-bf too. Though, I no longer wake up feeling hurt and defeated.

[CrazyMiner]

...your 23 and she 22...hmmm, they say that women mature faster than men...sometime that is not the case...and your situation is one those cases my friend.

 

Hey, let me make it plain and clear to you:

 

She does not want to get married and have kids right now BECAUSE she thinks she is too young and still has a lot of leaving to do before settling down.

 

Believe me...that's the reason she is acting like that toward you.

 

True. I think she did decide she was too young, it just hurts that an 8 year relationship has basically been tossed aside so that she can go out partying. She was even the one who started to discuss marriage dates as it would have to fit around her training schedule (she is a Doctor and it is difficult for her to take extended period of times off, except for specific times during the year).

 

If this was what she wanted to do, all she had to do was say. Yes, we probably started to become a bit old beyond our years with buying a house together - that is something else that bugs me, she was the one who wanted to buy a house together and then dumps me 6 months later... I thought we were getting on pretty well seeing as a house had been brought! I would have loved to have gone out partying more with her, but over the 3 months before she dumped me (December to early March) I was recovering, and still am recovering, from a very serious respiratory disease that basically means that I have no energy and usually start to get pretty tired around 7pm.

 

Ugh why!

[silvermane187]

I find the best way to not dream about the ex is to watch something that interests you as you go to sleep. The more disturbing the better. I would rather fall asleep watching Schindlers List and dream about the holocaust than my ex.

[willowthewisp]

True. I think she did decide she was too young, it just hurts that an 8 year relationship has basically been tossed aside so that she can go out partying. She was even the one who started to discuss marriage dates as it would have to fit around her training schedule (she is a Doctor and it is difficult for her to take extended period of times off, except for specific times during the year).

 

If this was what she wanted to do, all she had to do was say. Yes, we probably started to become a bit old beyond our years with buying a house together - that is something else that bugs me, she was the one who wanted to buy a house together and then dumps me 6 months later... I thought we were getting on pretty well seeing as a house had been brought! I would have loved to have gone out partying more with her, but over the 3 months before she dumped me (December to early March) I was recovering, and still am recovering, from a very serious respiratory disease that basically means that I have no energy and usually start to get pretty tired around 7pm.

 

Ugh why!

 

Hi, I understand how you feel. It's been over two years since my ex of nearly 20 years left right after we booked our wedding. I'm 35, so we got together around the same age you two did.

 

I am still dreaming of my ex every night. It stopped for a while and then started again about 3 months ago. My IC told me it is normal, it is your emotional inner world being reflected in your subcouncious, in other words, it's your minds way of shifting through the grieving process.

 

To lose a long term relationship and someone who was a huge part of your life, they had become a part of yourself, so to speak, someone you grew up with is like a death, in more sense than one. First, they are gone as if they had died and secondly, the person you knew has gone and has been replaced with someone incrediably cold, callous and in some cases cruel.

 

It's going to take you some time to get over this, accept that.

 

OK as for why? You may never conclusively know why, however, leaving right after making a committment (buying the house) does suggest committment phobia. I beleive my ex is CP as well, although sometimes I question this because of his self justifications which he blamed me for everything and then told me he had deliberately kept it all hidden from me for over 10 years! Scary thing is he actually beleives that is feasible! LOL.

 

There is a good book you can check out called He's Scared, She's Scared by Stephen Carter on CP, see if it fits her behaviour.

 

I really want to add just one thing, which right now will mean nothing to you because you are in so much pain, but maybe in another 6 months of so you can look back on it? You are young, you have the opportunity when you are ready to meet a wonderful women, who will be able to commit and who will love and value you. I wish my ex had gone a lot sooner than he did, at 35 I am finding it so hard to meet anyone and I so want children, he completely wasted the best years of my life.

 

I'm in no way suggesting that the pain you are experiencing at her hands is any the less for you being young, just trying to provide you with some hope for the future. I wish you all the best.